60 y old in a funk

Hello everyone. Sorry this is so long. So this is day 40 of no porn or masturbation and I thought I might tell you my story. I have looked at porn on and off since I was about 17. I had started masturbating when I was about 13 after my mom had left a book called Boys and Sex on my bed. My first solo orgasm was a new world for me.

Looking at a Penthouse magazine and masturbating was such an escape for me. In my fantasies I could do whatever I wanted with these beautiful women or I could just watch them have sex with their partners. I went to an all boys high school, was very shy and never really had a chance to ask someone out. I was very timid and lacked self confidence. Funny thing was I had a great time in grade school which was coed.

I first dated when I was 22 and enjoyed some petting with my girlfriend but it ended when she disclosed she was dating a priest at the same time! I started dating another girl and we married in a year and a half. Our sex life was not great since she lacked a lot of confidence and was not open to much. I continued masturbating since I enjoyed the "me" time and she was rarely interested in sex. Over the next 25 years we had two girls amd a boy and they became the focus of our lives. My wife and I had little in common. Sex was about once a month and I always felt she was just going through the motions to keep me happy. She started developing big issues with anxiety, laziness and obesity. I continued masturbating but rarely had access to porn until we had.....

...internet access! Wow, free porn any time you wanted! So this was probably around 2010. I used porn occasionally but would quit for months at a time and then return to it. My big downfall was about two years ago when I finally got a smart phone. Porn was my friend on and off during the past two years, especially when I started having trouble sleeping. The kids were out of the house and my wife was sleeping on the recliner for the past four years due to "back pain" when she tried to sleep on our bed after foot surgery. She started developing more arthritis problems to add to her other problems. Sex was maybe once a month to "throw me a bone." Our relationship was getting more and more distant, more like roommates. I didn't want to kiss her anymore and had been resentful of her for many reasons I tried discussing but she just gets defensive and does want to talk about any of our issues.

I had been relying on orgasms to help me sleep and for my own personal enjoyment, but after watching more types of porn then I should have, I started developing some problems. Decreased sensitivity, delayed orgasms, less intense orgasms and dribbling after urinating. No ED though. I guess I was using a death grip at times, partly due to it taking longer to finally come. The last time I masturbated was on April 14th and it took me an hour to finally come. I was also feeling guilty about watching porn and realized it was degrading to women. I've also been in a bit of a depression and had some brain fog for about the past two years.

So I researched a bit about my problems and found your support group and that porn and masturbation may be causing my problems. I realize I also have a lot of marriage issues but I'm also 60 years old. I am in good physical condition and work out regularly so I don't feel it was medical. I decided to take the NoFap challenge on April 15th to see what it would do for me.

I did well the first 21 days but I developed a terrible case of blue balls due to thinking about sex and I could not get rid of my erection. This was also the longest I had ever gone without an orgasm so I changed my goals. I let my wife know I was doing NoFap and asked if she could bring me relief which she did orally. Things were ok after that but then she surprised me a few days later on our anniversary and offered a repeat performance. When sex was so infrequent, I just caved. But I did continue with no PM. I started developing blue balls again on day 37 so I asked for her assistance, letting her have the choice of how. We had intercourse resulting in a nice orgasm.

So today is day 44 and I can't really see a difference with my sensitivity. Even my nipples aren't responding like they used to. I could stroke my nipples and get hard in the past. I'm thinking part of this is aging. I haven't had a change in dreams like some people say. My mind is no clearer. I noticed I have had changes in remembering names over the past 2 years. Not sure if I feel anymore confident. Part of it is my lack of interest in my spouse and depression.

So there we are. I plan on hitting 60 day with no PM. After that I may go back to M but will definitely stay off of porn.

Thanks for listening.

 

Thank you for the input everyone. Sorry if I was out of line with my content, did not mean to offend or take anyone down the wrong road. I'm new to the forum and not sure what direction would best help myself (and others.) How do I start a personal journal?

 

Thank you for the above comments. Will check it out.

 

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. I did start a journal in the 40+ category.