My Wife is My Biggest Obstacle

During the years with my ex-wife, I've had days and even weeks where I wished I wasn't born. The bitchiness and lashing out on me at times could be too much to bear.

As you did, I resorted to fapping, which with my more intense sex life with her, sometimes caused overlap and I had to think of excuses as to why we couldn't have sex. It's definitely not a proud moment, but there were also times in the relationship where I barely thought about fapping as we were often in bed. I think if you find it in you to stop the escapism and become more assertive, things with your wife could go uphill. Another route ofc is seeing that nothing can help the relationship, leading to a new start, but I do not wish that, as the first option should prove to be a better choice.

 

Did you ever tell her about your addiction or are you still hiding it?

Couples therapy may help with some things, but a marriage with lies and secrets is never going to be full. Not to mention the revenge aspect is just cruel - she says something hurtful but revenge pmo is a grave wound to the marriage. I know that you seem to think you've got your struggle in its own compartment but I have yet to come across a significant other who was not experiencing negative personality changes in their spouse.

If you want to recover, it is vital to be able to feel emotions and develop healthy outlets. To be able to voice that something is hurtful and develop a healthy boundary and coping mechanism. Existing in a relationship where one person is hurting and struggling, while also having no clue about what's going on, and then engages with the other who numbs out and can't cope..... it is not a healthy dynamic for either of you. Your problem is not getting better and her problem isn't either.

 

These are what they call "cognitive distortions". They aren't truthful statements. You cannot escape the relationship dynamic. If you could actually escape you would be telling a very different story here. Fapping isn't the only option, there are plenty of other things on can do. Perhaps you are just looking for an easy way out, but once you've fapped you are right back to the 'problem'. Seeing your wife as a trigger will not help your situation. You may have wrote this just to express how you feel, but don't hang onto the sentiment. It will not help you nor her. Also I think it would be beneficial if you saw a trigger as something sexually stimulating, not a stressful situation.

No matter what is going on around you, what life situations throw at you, you still have a choice to make. You will always have options, they don't disappear whenever you are stressed. It takes time to log into whatever device you have and fap. It takes times to go and find a place to fap. It takes time to take off your pants and reach and do whatever. All this takes time, and with each step you have a choice. You can choose to stop at each step.

You are the one reacting to your wife's words. The words themselves don't hurt you, your reaction to them is what hurts you. Again, there is a choice here you can make. When something is said you can either feel her pain or frustration or whatever, or you can lose yourself in any emotion that you derive. You can get a hold of your body and turn it down from the stress, anxiety, and pressure.

There is always a choice between what someone does and how you react. You are not powerless.

Well, it is good that you got this out. It is one part of a needed change. This factor in and of itself may not be because of the addiction. On the other hand, it may be because you feel guilt. Instead of confronting that guilt you choose to do this.

It does have a negative effect on the relationship. You are living a double life, that isn't good for anyone. It is especially not good for the brain. The brain gets troubled and you therefore get troubled consequently.

You have to dissolve the link from life situations to fapping. After that you will become more present than you could ever imagine. After that, you have to face the withdrawals and the momentum caused from using fapping as a temporary bandaid on a broken leg.

 

Sounds like it's not your wife, but how you react to her.

Yes, from how you type it, her words sound hurtful and stressful. However, there are other ways to respond than porn and masturbation. You can't control your wife and how she acts. You can control how you respond to it, and you can control your focusing on healthier ways to cope and response.

 

I think You are Her Biggest Trouble

 

Jesus, some people on here have zero solidarity.

The amount of shit and mental abuse a woman can throw is never to be underestimated.

 

Meanwhile their partners are jerking off to thousands of other women, but that's not abuse, right? It's just not possible to be in a marriage and have an addiction to pmo and not be dehumanizing your partner on some level in order to create the separation to justify the infidelity. Partners coming off of pmo are not usually very nice - they often are angry, short tempered, have physical withdrawals, no empathy, etc. It's quite possible that many men are blind to the pmo causing them to be a jerks to their wives. They respond in unkind ways because they've had it with the crap being flung their direction. Then the men use their wives as an excuse to escape. But their wives are the one with the problem......

The end line is that the healthy way to deal with the dynamic is to not escape but to name the emotion caused and find a way to deal with it as a couple.

 

I have bi-polar and BPD in my family, and I understand how difficult life can be living in close relation with somebody that has mood or personality changes that are unpredictable and extreme. It can really warp the dynamic of a partnership, if they are not actively getting medicated and professional help in managing their condition. The first (meds) is temporary alleviation to facilitate the second (therapy) as a long term solution that (ideally) provides lifelong tools for self management and emotional regulation....much like recovery or addiction treatment does for an addict.

However, (I am not trying to minimize the previous paragraph), living in close relationship with an addict is EXACTLY THE SAME in so many ways it's almost indistinguishable. The main difference in your case is that she is "out", meaning others know the problem and she can't hide it from you because it's already part of how she is seen by others that are close to her, including you. In other words, you can and others can easily point to it, blame it, attribute the effects of it to it, etc. It is tangible and overt. This is akin to accountability, for an addict. Knowing others know your problem creates a greater sense of inescapable ownership of some or most of the consequences of your 'illness'. This keeps an ego in check. The addict still in the closet is not "out", so his addiction's role in anything is covert and not known, attributable, or blameable for things it may have culminated or contributed to.

This is problematic because being an addict in hiding (also meaning not in recovery/treatment) is just like being unmedicated and not in therapy for a mood or personality disorder.....your perception is skewed. to maintain an unhealthy habit requires that we see around our choice to continue the habit, by figuring a reason for it, but that displaces our sense of personal responsibility just enough to start a domino effect of cognitive distortions that usually expand as the chemical imbalance of addiction is established. The result is almost like an organism in itself, in that mechanistically an addiction is self-preserving at the expense of its host. You are blind to some correlated problems because addiction is your parasite disabling your self-awareness to preserve itself. The switching off of innate empathy for anyone effected by your actions is part of being an addict. It's a side effect of having a parasitic infection of your mind. The sad thing is that since your wife also has some similar mood and self awareness issues, there's probably a cycle of resentment in both of you, except she may be feeling more to blame because your role is obscured. If you don't reveal your addiction to her, it would be wise to at least disclose it to her/your couples therapist and they may be able to better help your marriage knowing that piece of the puzzle.

So, while I can sympathize with The challenges you feel are driving you to want to escape, I believe that the situation can only worsen until you are able to summon the courage and integrity to take responsibility for two things:

1. You married your wife. Regardless of the current emotional difficulties in your life, you chose to marry her and you have the adult capabilities to terminate the marriage just the same. Realize that you are a man with an adult brain that is adopting a child like attitude about their life, in which they are a victim to choices they made. If you can be honest with yourself, this is the first thing you may notice. You are choosing to be powerless, but you are doing it to yourself and nobody else can undo it for you but you.

2. You are rewarding yourself (neurologically, with reward chemicals in your brain) for remaining powerless and stagnant in your role as a spouse and father and human being. That never got anybody anywhere. That's a circumstance we see once ever in natural human development- when we are babies in cribs. That's the only time our brains are designed to be rewarded for doing nothing but wanting pleasure and demanding it in response to distress. The longer you spend doing this the more well trained your brain will be to act exactly like a baby when anything distresses you.

I'm an addict in the closet myself, so everything I've told you totally applies to me as well, and I feel like a sham if I don't admit that right now. I know that you are trapped in a limbo of needing validation but not having the self esteem to ask for it because you have guilt for coping poorly with your emotional responses that you are desperately trying to control and keep inside. The drama may not feel worth it.

 

By the way, feel free to send me a private message if you'd like to be in touch. I still have a lot of compassion for what you are going through, even if I don't take sides or baby you.

 

This entire conversation has been extremely enlightening and thought provoking. One of the best back and froth postings with multiple points of view. All provided with positive interaction. This is exactly what NoFap is meant to be. Too many times the posts and responses are minutia, but this is powerful.

 

I agree, doctor. This is my second time around, as my first residency here was sorely rejected by somebody I accidentally crossed boundaries with and I am hoping not to be as careless this time. Somebody's SO thought I was trying to triangulate with her partner.

Anyways, lesson learned! I am trying to apply a more compassionate approach to sharing my thoughts, which has so far been unexpectedly humbling and at times revelation-filled in a painful way. It's hard to see one's own hypocrisy unless you really want to. Not necessarily recommended! But it's been good for me to do, cause losing my partner to PMO dug me into a fairly abyssmal self-pity-pit and so far the only thing that seems to lift my mood is lurking here so I decided to start posting again.

Really grateful for this subforum and community. seeing the posts slow down significantly in this sub encouraged me to start posting, as well. I know many many people prolly wind up here from searches online and find comfort even if they aren't posting or registered. If you are reading this and that sounds like you, get up in here! It does help. Especially if you are a betrayed partner, it helps to have a place that the issues are known and widely understood without great detail, and without totally insensitive ignorance.

 

By the way, thanks for your openness to honest critique. When I saw your message in my inbox, I froze. I almost put off opening it cause I thought you might have taken it harshly. I was pleasantly surprised, however. Hopefully, the next time somebody plates my dish I will have some similar graciousness.

 

Try playing video games, or meditation. Those both help very well.

Also, I love the profile picture, I used to play that game all day in middle school, just 2-3 years ago.

What's your reason for having that pfp? Remind you of your childhood?

Anyways, cheers mate, I know your relationship will get better. Just trial and error with news ways to cope with your wife instead of fapping.

 

hahahaha thats soo cute. I used to play that game just last year when I was 15.

 

I created an account to post in this thread.

@RiverBlue , I was engaged to a girl with BPD and PTSD while being an all-in porn addict. I was lying and hiding it, and it blew up in my face spectacularly. It's only by God's grace that she made it through without hurting herself.

Your situation is likely quite different, but I have a great sympathy for your struggle. When pressure's building inside and out, something's got to give. I'm definitely not in a place to give advice, but I can at least say this; I hope it's your addiction that gives.

As for specific advice, you've already received a proper truth-telling.

Pay special attention to these lines, I think. If some part of you believes them, then read their whole paragraph again, consciously. This is bona-fide life saving serum right in front of you, if you can face that truth.

Thank you RiverBlue for your honesty and for being here, fighting.

@finite , you've helped me through your post to understand and integrate that blurry trauma. Thank you for your knowledge and conviction.

Good luck to both of you on this journey!

 

Hi there @RiverBlue an excellent analysis of your own situation, and a ton of kudos and sympathy regarding your own self-awareness of the emotional drivers of PMO. I'd say for a majority of us who come here for this addiction, biology isn't the primary driver; emotions are.

And now left with the difficult emotions (stress is a big one, of course we have other emotions associated with turning to porn such as boredom, loneliness, sadness, or even celebration) and a choice to make - how to handle these emotions without pornography and masturbation to self-medicate the feelings.

It reminded me of a section in a book by Doug Weiss, The Final Freedom, where he states on pg 71 (chapter called "Psychological Freedom", section called "Feelings") the following passage:
//
This is a major part of sexual addiction recovery. During our development years, many of us did not learn to identify or communicate feelings, and yet feelings can be one of the most treacherous and dangerous areas in our early recovery. Many sex addicts at some point felt unloved, rejected or unappreciated, which put them into a difficult place if they don't know how to express their feelings. Many addicts end up medicating through a unhealthy sexual activity as a way of dealing with feelings. In any addiction, I find that feelings are something that addicts don't have much skill in fully expressing. This is just a lack of a particular skill issue. It is not a matter of a level of intelligence.

In the midst of the addiction, when the sex addict had a feeling, and didn't know what it was, when he acted out, it went away. It was a simple solution. But in recovery, he doesn't have the solution of acting out. Now he has the problem of having a feeling and not knowing what it is.
//
Thus this addiction that thrives in isolation, I am increasingly convinced, cannot be solved in isolation. We need other IRL humans, whether in accountability partners or therapy or group sessions or spouse disclosure or even better some combination of all four, to assist us on our way out.