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General venting

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by Sebbrix, Feb 20, 2021.

  1. HE^MAN

    HE^MAN Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Hello sebbrix,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling. Rebooting has its ups and downs, just like life. We see many people experiencing both the ups and downs during the reboot, and though it may be hard to see now, these feelings you are having won’t last forever. It will get better with time, if you are patient and wait.

    In the meantime, please seek professional help. I know the idea of calling a helpline might terrify you, but in times of crisis, we often need someone their to put our lives in perspective. So please contact someone who can help and don’t hang up on them. The International Association for Suicide Prevention maintains a list of suicide prevention hotlines for countries all over the world. Also, if you don’t feel up to actually talking to someone on the phone, StopSuicide maintains a list of online instant messaging and chat suicide prevention resources.

    You are not alone in this. There are ways to treat depression. Please contact people that can help you. Being depressed often makes it feel like you don’t have any more options. But that is a lie. That is just the depression talking. These feelings you have won’t last forever. We are in this with you, and we will all be cheering for you to get through this!
     
    boyfunkeh likes this.
  2. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    Hope you are feeling better Sebbrix.
     
    boyfunkeh likes this.
  3. Sebbrix

    Sebbrix Fapstronaut

    Thanks so much to all of you, I'm sorry to have brought this into an area that it's not really needed, where everyone is struggling with this common beast. I have decided to get some therapy - I've started to recognise how mentally damaged I am, and that I hide it under a facade of physical wellness. I truly appreciate your messages, I hope you all have a day as wonderful as you are
     
    boyfunkeh likes this.
  4. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    Anytime dude, feel free to vent here whenever you want. It's a safe space and you are amongst people who understand.
     
    boyfunkeh likes this.
  5. Sebbrix

    Sebbrix Fapstronaut

    It's been a while... Coming back here because I've been faced with a new bit of information about my mental health. It's not necessarily bad news, but it's also not good news - it's good to be able to put a name to it and understand that it's a documented problem, but it's also kinda scary to see what I am on the inside. I have been (unofficially) diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It's a screwed up condition which has a range of weird symptoms, but basically I have mild auditory hallucinations under certain circumstances, severe mood swings which can leave me feeling giddy with happiness one moment, then suicidal with despair just a few hours later, belief that I am a terrible person (this is what spurred the discovery - I sent a text to a friend a few months ago begging her to kill me because I consider myself to be worse than Hitler...), strong impulses of various natures, and highly unstable relationships of every kind - romantic, friendly, emotional, etc.

    It has obviously come as a bit of a blow to know that I'm so fundamentally broken, but also gives me a basepoint to look to when things are becoming strange. When I hear voices, I will be able to rationalise that they aren't real. When I have incredibly strong impulses, I will be able to look at them as part of my damaged mind and keep them under control. When I want to kill myself, I will be able to frame those feelings with the BPD and, conceptually at least, recognise that it is the illness, not an actual desire to die.

    The first thing to focus on will be friendships. At present, I struggle to believe that people do not hate me. I can think of 2, possibly 3 friends who I think do not despise me. I need to meet more people and try to form new friendships, as well as strengthening bonds with existing friends. In my logical mind, through the lens of the BPD, I suspect that this belief (that everyone hates me) is a delusion, but even with that suspicion it is hard to feel anything else as a gut instinct.

    I have chosen to avoid dating for now. I need to form a basis of friendships before considering anything more volatile, plus it wouldn't be fair to potential partners knowing how I could confuse and hurt them.

    I will avoid venting any more about it on here, otherwise this thread will just become a vortex of Sebbrix's mental health whereas it is meant to be an open public thread. Instead I will post updates on a journal thread (if I can work out how to create one). Thanks for reading, it means a lot to get this off my chest.
     
  6. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    Wow, that's a blow. I hope you manage to get on top of this.
     
  7. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

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    Hello mate. I also have BPD and I can relate to your symptoms. I was wondering how you can be unofficially diagnosed?
     
  8. Sebbrix

    Sebbrix Fapstronaut

    Hey brother, good to know I'm not alone in this! I saw a GP and he said that it's pretty classic BPD, but apparently only a psychotherapist can give me an official diagnosis so he referred me to see one when one becomes available. The healthcare situation here is pretty backlogged after the lockdowns and suchlike so it'll probably be 7-8 months before I can hope to see someone for a formal diagnosis, but my symptoms line up so perfectly with all the online documentation that I'm just gonna take the doc's word for it as an unofficial diagnosis.

    How long have you been living with it? Has it improved over time?
     
  9. Sebbrix

    Sebbrix Fapstronaut

    Thanks Tango, hope you're keeping well champ
     
  10. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    Thanks, I'm doing alright.

    If you dont mind me asking, (I find this kind of stuff interesting) can you elaborate on your hallucinations? I never realised people with BPD could have them.
     
  11. Sebbrix

    Sebbrix Fapstronaut

    Of course! My hallucinations are thankfully very mild and only usually happen when I'm a bit drained; I generally hear people saying my name, almost like they're saying it quietly right next to my ear. I also sometimes hear quiet knocking on doors which is normally just unexpected, but when I'm trying to sleep it's pretty unsettling. They happen most often when I'm trying to get to sleep tbh, I guess that's natural since my brain is ready to dream anyway and I'm worn out from the day, but can happen at any time within reason. Because I only tend to hear "normal" stuff (as normal as hallucinations can be) it's not hard to deal with them when around other people, but I can only imagine how hard life would be for people who have more vivid hallucinations. I don't know if it can cause visual hallucinations in more extreme cases, I hope it's not something I have to find out, but I consider myself lucky that mine are so manageable.
     
  12. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    Thank you for clarifying. I sometimes experience a somewhat similar thing, except only when listening to music. I often have to pause the track to find out if someone is calling my name and it's almost always something I imagined. Apparently something to do with the brain misinterpreting the music and making you think you heard something. Either way it can be pretty eerie sometimes.

    Maybe a silly question, but how do you know the noise is a hallucination and not something actually happening? I'm referring more to general noises in this case as opposed to people calling your name. I've always found the idea of hallucinations fascinating I guess, I cant comprehend it no matter how much I try to.
     
  13. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
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    You are definitely not alone mate! Credit to your GP btw. In England we can get a pretty quick referral to see a psychiatrist so you are unlucky. But from what you have said so far, your symptoms tick many BPD boxes, so it is reasonable to view it accordingly.

    BPD starts in childhood (or possibly adolescence). But I was not diagnosed until I was 42! o_O Up until I was 40, I was a "high-functioning borderline". That sounds very grand, lol, but it isn't. All it means is that my symptoms were not very pronounced. I can look back and see clues to it throughout my life, but I was functioning pretty well without even knowing I had a problem. However, at age 40 I had a catastrophic mental breakdown. I attempted to "execute" myself out of utter self-hatred and was only saved by emergency services. I will spare you the extremely gory details. Suffice to say after several days in a general hospital stabilising me physically, I was transferred to a mental hospital and kept there for 7 months. Thereafter, I have been in and out of hospital over 10 more times after more suicide attempts or to prevent them. Anyway, this is not my biography. :rolleyes: It has not improved. However, generally they say that after the age of 40 it can fade to some extent. So, my case is not typical from that point of view.

    I do not get auditory hallucinations. And most of the BPD sufferers I have met and talked to don't either, so you might be somewhat unlucky with that specific symptom. :( Out of the 9 diagnostic criteria, only 5 are required for a diagnosis. In addition I have avoidant personality disorder (AvPD). Moreover, I have recurrent major depressive disorder. Comorbidity is common with BPD.
     

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