I want to kill myself

I’ve found myself thinking about suicide a lot lately. Half of me is working to build a better life and the other half is deeply unhappy. You aren’t alone. I wont tell you not to because I’m not convinced I won’t. But there’s got to be a better way. If you didn’t think so. If I didn’t think so. Then neither one of us would still be posting. All anyone wants is to feel pleasure and to not feel pain. The question is how is that done. While there are lots of different answers in the world, those answers are largely useless until you personally understand them. Like looking at the back of a math book, you don’t actually gain anything until you study the problems yourself.

I don’t know if this makes any sense or is useful. But I hope you stick it out for another day.

 

@Gjey @Garek
Sorry, you guys are struggling with this too, I can relate and have suicidal ideation occassionally. Fortunately, I am extremely close with my family and am able to lean on them and don't know what I would be like without them so I sympathize with you and admire that you keep taking steps forward to improve your situation. Hope this makes you feel a little less alone!!

 

Please don't kill yourself. Life can be difficult and I share the same sentiment when you said, "I try so hard to improve everyday but I see no changes cause they are no changes". You have to be patient and research more on what's going wrong. Ask a professional in the field to help find out what you're doing wrong.

You're most certainly not alone, practice does make perfect but there's more to practice, that's why learning a skill is so difficult BUT so rewarding: You have to reflect on what's going on, review the learning process with a professional or by yourself etc. Don't give up!

 

Youre not alone, we are here for you bro. After each mountain there is a valley.

 

Dont do it. Read a book called the power of now, it can help you.

 

Hello Gjey,

I'm really verry sorry you're struggling so much with life.

All you want is to stop the pain, only stop the pain, not life.
You have to try to see this is temporary buddy, conditions in our life change so often during our life, sometimes in a whirlpool of events, but mostly by very little events that have a great impact on our future.
Most come unexpected too, so just go day by day and no matter how hard this must be for you, keep looking for the positive little things in your life which i'm sure they are present. Nature and animals can have a very healing effect on us, i experienced it myself several times in my life when i had issues.
If you can, consider taking a pet (dogs are awesome but other animals too can be awesome to have).

You have to keep believing that despite everything, everything always changes.

Don't consider a permanent action to solve a temporary problem Gjey, please don't.

Your parents -any parent, i'm a father myself of 2 grown up kids- cannot cope with the loss of a child, it's imho the worst thing a parent can ever experience and it was (and still is) my biggest fear
that one day i would have to face it...

I lost my oldest brother due to a brain tumor in 2009, and for my mother, it still is as painful today as it was the first day (my father had already past away at that time).
Your parents love you man, don't put them through losing you.
Despite your feelings, you're still very young and so much is waiting for you to experience, don't throw that away, just get well, it is possibly.

I have no straightforward instant solution for your problems Gjey, but imo try to seek help from a psychologist and by just telling how you feel will probably help you a lot.
Get a professional to guide and assist you back to the level where light is coming back buddy, it is possible, it really is !

Please keep fighting Gjey, don't put yourself down comparing yourself to others, you are just as unique and valuable as anyone !

I wish you truly all the best buddy, and i hope that things get better soon for you. Don't give up, never give up <3

-Beamer

 

A streamer/youtuber I used to follow did himself in on 22nd of this month. He had lost his regular job when first wave of lockdowns started, as a result he had to move back with his mom. He was 26 y.o. His cat (aged 21) also died at the start of this year. YouTube being what it is, he wasn't getting much views as pre lockdown either. He posted a video titled "my last video" and the description was a sad poem type thing, and his voice was alarmingly calm/given up on life-ish and he sounded at rock bottom. So a lot of his subscribers got worried. Someone from his discord tried getting his address, and they eventually managed to get the police to do a wellness check on him. And then we realised he was a goner from what the police told those guys. He has pressed the upload button before doing the deed and they found him in his chair.

His mother is serious now, and in hospital. His older brother who introduced him to youtube and twitch is close to insane (and is still taking care of his mom and his younger brother).

What point am I making? I don't know. The news devastated me. I understand why he did, what he did, but I feel bad for what his family is now undergoing. Since I am not in his shoes, I won't judge him, but if I were in his shoes, I would just keep trying man, money is not everything at the end of the day. (He also had some other personal issues which his brother hinted at, but I have no knowledge about, so there's that angle too.)

Just wanted to say something. I have no idea whether it's even relevant here.

 

I really appreciate you relating this story. I think suicidal thoughts are pretty common. They are a part of my mental make up, one the of the conversations I have with myself. But I also have the wherewithal to see that for what it is and not let it run my life. Not everybody else does. I have also been taught and developed strategies for dealing with my feelings and my habits. Other people haven't. I don't know what if anything can be done about it. Let others help you. Help yourself. Help others. Accept that everyone makes their own decisions based on their own experiences. Create a life that causes yourself and others to have the sort of experiences that lead to the happy life, they life well lived. I don't think I know why I posted this reply any more than you posted your story. It just seems like an important topic. Worth saying something.

 

The thing that you will learn, maybe it takes some years is that
there is never something that you could lose that you can't regain.

Most of the time, people who are on the brink of suicide are upset about
things they can get back.

But the guys who lost something, like the veterans who come home without
arms or legs, they don't want to kill themselves.

Even when they have PTSD and/or recurring nightmares, still they go on.

That is why I am glad that I never killed myself.

But I had a lot of years where it was on my mind, because my life sucked.

And what changed my attitude was that I saw that the effort I put into my life
was what I got out of it.

Most of the time when people have crappy circumstances, it mirrors the effort
they put into their own lives.

And my first reaction was that it was too hard, it was impossible, I'll never succeed.

And I rolled around in my own vomit like that for a lot of years.

But it wasn't true. It just takes that consistent effort, day in and day out.

And one day, all the pain and effort are worth it.

It's weird how you can live in incredible adversity, yet still do the things you need to do.

Then one day, like God just flicked a switch, the momentum changes, and you
start to see the rewards of your perseverance, your effort, your time.

It's like you force this boulder up a hill, and sometimes you have to stop.

Sometimes it even starts to roll backwards, which makes you want to give up.

It feels so futile when you can't see the top yet.

But it's there.

And there will come a time when you think you have a brutal stretch ahead,
but you give it this push and down it goes, across the other side!

The boulder moves at a serious clip! It runs over a small European car like
it was nothing, smashing in its windshield!

So just keep working on your mission, it's going to happen.

 

I can relate to that. To me, it feels unfair that women get so much attention and have many options and don't value the effort and love we put into them. We've all been there, the shit feelings are normal and it's healthy if you can experience them.

As individuals, though, we gotta be our "own point of origin": be the center of our worlds. A woman must be only an addition to our worlds and not the center of it, she must circle our lives and not we circle theirs.

I'm having my own self-harming thoughts and behaviors and all I can say to you is to keep being strong and facing the hardship. As I like it, I'd recommend you seek help from a professional therapist. "If you're going through hell, keep going"

Keep strong brother

 

As my head has cleared over the past few months I have grown deeply suspicious of this sentiment. It sounds like you are awfully nice to women. How much ambition are you demonstrating in your own life? How much success are you generating? What exactly is it that you have to offer? I am not saying you aren't a great guy, I am saying that if what you are doing is making you feel this way you should do something else.

 

of course its unfair. and we wont change women. thats just how they are. thats why the only sane option is to keep grinding and improving yourself and eventually
they might join you at the end. unfair...

it was easier to date when you were in early 20s... women were easy lays then, more or less.
but when youre closer to 40s its hard. because so many more men achieved more than yourself, especially if you had fked up childhood.
but then so what, you gonna give up? make this fuel you up and push forward.

 

I don't think it's a good sentiment either. But I feel it. I know that my view of the world is likely full of flaws. But let me explain a bit more: I see that women, especially if they are hot, get a lot of attention without having to do nothing except being attractive. Attractive women are approached everywhere: in the bus stop, at class, in the restaurant, in a bar, in the library... There's a strong "supply" of men wanting their attention and wanting a relationship with them. That's what I mean that feels "unfair", but I think that's just how things are. But my friend, I may be wrong.

I think we agree on the idea that we should pursue success in our lives (being it whatever each one feels it's success for himself) regardless of women, and in the end, women will be attracted to that man that leads his own life and makes something out of it.