Once again hurt and let down

40ties can be a very tough time for both men and women...

How much stress does he have at work?
It can be a deciding factor, having to work long hours. And working long hours without a high salary is even worse.
Do you both look after your looks and health?
How long did your guys have the "all the time sex" - period for?

 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m sorry he’s going through this. I hope and pray he gets help and can change. For me it is so easy for completely lose hope and give up. Most of the time when I fall it is because I lose hope. I have urges and I’m suffering so much from them. I see failure as the only option and I give up hope. I wish so much I could change but I don’t believe I can. I can’t blame my wife though she’s lost interest. I have no issue with ED. But sex with her makes me incredibly sad. It just reminds me of how dependent I am on sex and I lose hope. She’s lost interest because she doesn’t respect who I’ve become. She’s falling out of love with me and I know she’s leave me if she had the chance. And this thought causes the cycle of hopelessness to continue.

 

Ok then he needs to get rid of this habit.
But even if he conplies, it will take quite a while. It will also be difficult für you, no matter which way he chooses to go.
I think you have to make clear that you're willing to go, and actually mean it. If there is no incentive for him to stay, he might continue indefinitely.
Some just really need the wake-up call

 

Yes, I know. But I meant that since Porn triggers him more now than real sex...the simple vision of porn might get him hard faster than in reality.
Some couples actually do this to " spice up" their sex life but...to each his own right ?

 

I hope I'm not being indiscreet: Do you have any bad habits that he doesn't like/approve?
I'm not trying to play devil's advocate here and I don't think what he does is ok, but I think that his habit, though bad, is better than him cheating on you, isn't it?

Reading your answers to previous posts it appears to me that at some point in your relationship something changed drastically. To go from

to him having a porn addiction, practically overnight, is difficult to explain.

And (unrelated): Do you guys have children?

 

Posts this far have been rather on the side of not understanding what OP is going through.
This probably belongs in the relationship forum.

Most posters here after not even in a serious relationship, some never have been.

I feel very empathetic toward you, @hurtlady , but my situation is a couple steps further into having separated and the pain still remains. Seek support in your life before you make any further changes. I'm struggling to even get through the day because I have no real emotional or other type of support.

 

Sorry this is only going to address some general patterns and not comment on the OPs situation but I think this is probably a good place.. On a basic level I feel like there's probably a mars vs. venus thing going on, more specifically... Well lets just say I think if there was something like a mind meld or just some way for a man to plug into a womans experience, (or vice versa) - some people will never try it and others who do may be very disoriented. And this of course doesn't qualify for the long term context of being in a relationship.

I guess it's kind of inevitable when you have such a simple idea of addiction recovery, and rebooting is even further simplified than traditional recovery. In a word, reductionistic. Since this issue is sexual and directly and intimately relational in nature for those in a relationship that really makes things even more complicated and profoundly impactful than other kinds of addictions.

This is all the more concerning considering how many mental health professionals may be burnt out given the last 15 months, and from people who are plugged into the system I hear it is very hard to find services in the first place. As I've said before I think on another level the PMO issue is behaving like a machine, and not only with sex but if it's in a relationship then the one that's more sensitive (probably the woman) is going to have an issue, if the other has kind of been conditioned to be a zombie by automated processes and numbed out of course it's not going to seem as much of an issue in their eyes. That's just to provide a contrast, but frankly even not considering that there was already societal norms that I think are not really normal, just common. I think there's very likely a ton of people walking around who increasingly have no recognition of how numb they are and basically are not even aware of probably inflicting some kind of collateral damage. My view is there are a lot of things that contribute to mental health that people in general should just be aware of, and to think it is something you can outsource to an expert is a VERY bad sign of where a society is at. And again, now that system is rather shaky and I'm sure there are places where it's far worse than here. It's like mass psychological illiteracy.

 

A word of advice to @hurtlady

Be very careful to find not just any therapist, you really need to look into one that has CSAT credentials. This is highly important. Otherwise they will not really understand how intensely the sex addiction is destructive.

Btw, check out https://sexandrelationshiphealing.com/resources/
Or go to the webinars section of the site, there are almost daily live events through zoom that have Q&A sessions. You can check out some of the recent webinars, or share with your husband.

One of their experts, Tami, is the person to go to for finding a good csat therapist. In a recent webinar it was mentioned that if the addict needs help with any specific issues under the porn addiction (like childhood trauma) It's a free service to email her and get assistance with finding the right therapist for it.

Seeking Integrity has lots of free resources like the webinars and drop in groups, help finding the right professional, etc. For you I highly recommend trying to make it to one of the the betrayed partner drop in groups.

 

I would agree that a csat therapist would be good. I feel real empathy toward you and your situation, since I caused a similar one in my marriage. The betrayal trauma my behavior caused in my wife was very real, very deep and takes a lot of time and concentrated effort on both parties part to address and overcome. We're about 9 months into the process and only when I finally admitted to myself that I had a problem and took significant steps to recover from it, did we make significant progress. I would encourage you to first take care of yourself. That is not being selfish or ignoring his addiction, but you can't control his addiction, you didn't cause it, and you can't make him recover from it. He has to want to do that. If you are not already seeing a therapist for you, would encourage you to do so. They can help you set up a safety plan for you and help you begin to navigate through this, whatever the ultimate outcome becomes. You don't want to make any permanent decisions right now in the emotional state you are in and a therapist can help with that. Hopefully he will begin seeing a therapist, and one very knowledgable in sex addiction. "Forcing" him to therapy doesn't work in the long term. If he is motivated enough right now to want to save the marriage, and goes to counseling, and ultimately begins to see that he needs to get healthy for him first, and then the relationship, then you can work through this and it will take time, which from what I've read and heard from the experts in the field is likely around 3 years. That's not saying everything will be horrible for 3 years, but it is a long process. If he doesn't eventually (and relatively soon) see the harm in porn and just goes through the motions of therapy to appease you, then he's not serious about recovery and you need to make whatever decision is best for you. I would also strongly encourage you to connect with the significant others/spouses of sex addicts group here in NoFap or one of those type of groups outside of here. They can support you, share their experience, and provide that forum you need to voice what you are emotionally going through and let you know there is hope for this marriage, or for a life after it. Best wishes for brighter tomorrows for both of you.

 

I'm so glad for you! His acknowledging/admitting to himself that he has a problem that he cannot deal with by himself is a major step.

Beware, though! This may be a temporary reaction to his fear of losing you. Be supportive to his counseling but at the same time be firm that he should continue with it until the problem is, hopefully, resolved for good.

 

Havent read the thread so I am just jumping right into it. I know how it is to be an addict. While I dont view porn as something bad in and by itself, I do recognize what it does to my life quality and my ability to interact with real human beings. I dont have any religious reasons to quit whatsoever but PMO addiction is just as being an alcoholic or drug addict.

If your husband fails to recognize that his porn habits have come to a point where it starts to affect not only him but also the people around him, then it is truly nothing you can do about it. He needs to realize this on his own and be willing to change. I know how hard it is to quit. He may simply not be able to. All you can do is encourage him, try to help him.

But if you have tried and tried and he doesnt seem to be willing to or able to change then search somewhere else for happiness. He doesnt sound like the kind of man you want to be with unless he changes.

Edit: read trough some of your posts and seems like you have made up your mind. It really sounds like he has been neglecting your needs for years and it seems like it is time that you call it quits. Some addicts are never able to change.