1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

100 Cold Approaches

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by StoicContemplation, Dec 12, 2020.

  1. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

    397
    369
    63
    Just one today. Outside the station I said,

    'Excuse me, do you get reception here?'
    'Just about'
    'It's just I'm waiting for a lift.'

    Then she turned around and several moments later her boyfriend? arrived in a car.

    This was basically nothing but I'll count it

    80/100

    I also met up with a girl I'd cold approached previously for about 2 hours. But I wasn't feeling any sexual chemistry. It was an okay chat in the park but she had already rejected my attempt to kiss her once. This time I didn't really feel like trying. Maybe this is self-sabotage? Suddenly feeling no sexual desire when I create chances for myself. I just think it's too much hassle and anyway she's probably just into me as a friend. There's nowhere to really go from here. I could try again maybe and there would be pressure to escalate. Perhaps I will do that next week. One way or another I need to find out finally and truthfully where I stand.

    But she did drop the bombshell that she's going on a trip with a guy next week. So clearly she is spinning plates.

    I just can't see any walks in the park or anything leading to that type of atmosphere developing. I did touch her hand once or twice and she didn't flinch. Another point our legs were touching but she moved away. I didn't do anything beyond that. And though I had some good conversational moments there were other times I felt miles away and was trying to will myself to get in the moment and enjoy this interaction. But it's easier said than done.

    So many of my 'dates' have been like this. Me barely even trying anything and not feeling much sexual desire and just relaxing into having casual chats. Then I complain about being friend zoned? I wonder if I really have true masculine animalistic desire. It's all psychological and fantasy based for me. The real thing doesn't seem to appeal to me. It's all very well and good torturing yourself with cold approach but unless you can close, all you're doing is mastering the opening. Like a football player who can only do kick-off. A tennis player who can only serve. I'm not a complete human. And what kind of man am I? These women, when you finally see their bf's - they're guys with cars. Men who are in shape. Decent jobs. What am I doing, really? It's juvenile!

    God what a mess, on the ladder of no success!
     
  2. ruso

    ruso Fapstronaut

    @Kowe Don’t get into the mind trap of thinking you aren’t worthy. Because as we know that just eats up mental energy for no reason. Your approaches are great, maybe pay more attention to body language? Also make sure you are approaching when you want to. Yea, it’s great to go past your comfort zone but consider it done. Start new challenge to get past your comfort zone of that new thing. Only pursue if you actually feel like it.

    7/100:

    Met girl at bar last night. She turned to look at me, we made eye contact and I just said Hi. Which she then said hey and since she didn’t look away I introduced myself and she did too and off the convo went. I got her number. Cold approaches are getting easier.

    Highlights:

    Somewhere along she would give me deep stares which would have made me uncomfortable before but now I just looked and I was like “What would you do if I kissed you right now?” Looking as intently at her and she looked at me. To which she rejected that with a “What
    no, I wouldn’t let you” and then proceeded to talk to some guy next to her that appeared to be her friend. Then we kept on talking.

    At some point I legit said “Ok, I’m officially out of stuff to talk about. You tell me something you haven’t shared yet” Which transitioned to talk about other stuff. I like that brutal honesty on my end.
     
    RealMe likes this.
  3. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

    397
    369
    63
    First off, went to a book shop. Spent some time looking carefully at books and thinking about if I'd have the courage to approach a target. I saw one who was the only other person in the shop.

    I was standing opposite her on one of those tables promoting newer/best-selling books.

    I said,
    'Excuse me, have you read any of these books?'
    'Yeah, I've read quite a few of them'
    * I pick up a copy of Sally Rooney's Normal people* 'I haven't read this but I've seen the show' (actually the opposite is true but I guess this lie was just a result of nerves)
    'Ugh, I hated that.'
    'Yeah. It's pretty bad. Did you read her first one, conversations with friends?'
    'No, I haven't'
    'That was a little better.'
    'I just didn't like any of the characters.'
    'Yeah, they were all...types. And there was a lot of over the top angst'
    'Right.'
    'One thing I would say is it seems of this time. They talk about using Facebook. It's a depiction of what it's like to live now. Maybe in 20 years...'
    'it'll be old then'
    'Yeah but maybe it'll be a good little time capsule into these times. That's all I can say for it. Anyway, I mostly read literary fiction. I like realism. Realistic stories. How about you?'
    'A bit of everything really.'
    'Yeah. I was just looking for a book for my brother. But he doesn't like reading. He's only 13. He likes anime and manga. It's tough'
    'Yeah it's hard to know what's appropriate. Especially when they don't like reading.'
    'Yeah. I have a kindle, but I've been getting back into reading paper books. But the kindle is good.'
    'Yeah. I have one.'
    'It's convenient. It can be tough when you move. I just moved back to the UK recently. I had to throw out a lot of old books. That was tough. Especially cos some of the books had sentimental value or I just liked them.'
    'Yeah. Well, you'll soon get new ones.'
    'Yeah it's funny how quick I started picking up new things. I'm like a magpie.'
    'Yeah, I'm really bad with stuff like that.'
    'Anyway, have a good day!'
    'You too. Bye'

    Hmm...I ended this one. I just felt bad and like she wasn't interested in me. I only dropped one piece of bait though and she didn't make any movements to get away. I should also mention that I felt a bit scared and delivered my opener in a quiet voice, which probably made me look weak and unconfident. There was literally nobody else on the shop floor except me, her and the staff. But I felt really self-conscious the staff were going to be listening (even though this fear went away as soon as I started the chat).


    Later on I was wandering around waiting for my train. I saw an Asian bird with a mask on outside.

    I started out with,

    'Excuse me, is there a big supermarket near here?'
    'Yeah there's one______'
    'Right. Just I went to a Tesco Express and it's not big enough.'
    'It's Iceland. It's_______'
    'Is it near here?'
    'Yeah, you can find it on your phone'
    'Right, it's just my phone is low on battery (lie). Did you say it's over there?'
    'Yeah you go over there and turn right.'
    'Thanks. I'm just new to this area. I moved here recently because I'll be studying here.'
    'I'm studying here too.'
    'Really...are you at the University of_____?'
    'Yeah.'
    'I'm going there too! What are you studying?'
    'I'm studying finance.'
    'Oh right. That's pretty different to me. I'll be studying a vocational course.'
    'I see. Mine is a post-graduate course.'
    'Is it a masters?'
    'Yeah'
    'I've been living abroad a long time and I just came back to do this course. I start in September.'
    'I see. I will be going to a different University from next year. I'll be moving to a different place.'
    'Right. I went to university in _____ and I've just come back for this.'
    'Where are you living?'
    'I live in______. How about you?'
    'I live in the University residence with Chinese people. I'm from China.'
    'Really, you're from China?' (woke Kowe in action here) I teach a lot of people from China online now. Which city?'
    'I'm from_______'
    'Oh I haven't been there. I know some people from Shanghai.'
    'That's a very big city.'
    'Yeah, I've never been to China. Though I used to live in Japan and travelled around South East Asia.'
    'Oh okay.'
    'Actually, I never studied Chinese but I studied Japanese and they use some Chinese characters.'
    'Yeah, some of them are very similar.'
    'And they're really hard to learn. Harder than the alphabet.'
    'Yeah'
    'What's your name?'
    'My Chinese name or my English name?'
    'English name.'
    'My name is_______.'
    'Oh. Nice to meet you. My name is____'
    'Nice to meet you too.' (this was bad...she didn't ask for my name)
    "Where do you usually go around here?'
    'I go shopping.'
    'Me too. I just had to buy a gift for my younger brother. He's only 12. I don't know what he wants.' (again a bad sign she never asked me back? But I could put this down to possible language or cultural differences if I wanted to be super optimistic and delusional)
    'Maybe you can get him some toys or legos.'
    'Yeah I guess. Anyway, maybe we could get a coffee sometime.'
    'Sorry, I'm seeing my friend now.' (she misunderstood but getting the insta rejection was a nice blast of ice water to the face)
    'Or another time. Do you have what'sapp?'
    'No. I don't have it.'
    'Could I get your number?'
    'My number. Ok.' *she gives me the number*
    'Nice to meet another student. See you.'
    'Okay. Bye!'

    To be frank, I wouldn't be surprised if she gave me the wrong number. And even if it's right, I don't think she'll reply or that we'll meet again. But whatever.

    Another thing about this interaction: there was a dude on a distant bench staring at this interaction the whole time. I was glad as hell he was out of earshot! But it still was a bit unnerving. I can imagine his curiosity, 'is this guy really just striking up a chat with a total stranger on the street?' And I even get this woke anti-male agenda voice in my head, 'look at this guy, taking advantage of this foreign woman's politeness. How dare he!' But whatever. I got the number and earlier in the challenge I might have felt this was some sort of trophy but I now calmly accept that numbers rarely go anywhere.

    82/100

    The thing I remind myself is that every approach you do is keeping yourself open to other approaches in the future. So every failure is in a way a stepping stone to a potential further success. This is why I try not to judge them all individually too much but just see them all as little building blocks that will hopefully someday lead to a connection that can go somewhere deeper.

    It's been basically 20 approaches since my last number. I currently have gotten 5 numbers and 3 dates from doing this.

    Of my 5 numbers, 4 of them have been students at the local University and 3 of them have been non-native speakers.

    I will consider what all of this means later. Although needless to say, the chances of this working with a fellow British gal is much smaller than with someone from another country.

    I am going to optimistically state that I might be able to finish the challenge this week.

    However, it's more likely to take me two weeks. I really am just stumbling over the finish line here. I have no real hope in anything coming of it. I just want to get it done and move on to a new challenge.

    If you feel that way, why even continue? Because I believe in finishing what I set out to do.
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2021
    ruso likes this.
  4. Rents77

    Rents77 Fapstronaut

    Have not read through the whole thread but really appreciate you taking the time to write up your efforts and introducing me to cold approach - I've wanted to chat up girls on public transport or on the street so bad and it's something I intend to get good at. Though I'm likely not going to do it as a challenge, but as a way to improve myself socially.
     
    ruso likes this.
  5. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

    397
    369
    63
    Alright so today, a total of 6 approaches. And as usual with this challenge, the day was full of ups and downs (mostly the latter).

    So I have a random day off work and decide to take a train into a nearby major city.

    I think to myself. 'Big city. This will mean so many chances to approach!' But...ehh...not really. It's a Monday. It's pouring down with rain. Most people are in groups so there are barely any single targets. It just looked off and impossible. So as always when I'm in a totally defeatist mood I said to myself, 'listen dude. Just do SOMETHING. Just do ONE approach, ask for directions and then call it a day.' I know that type of goal is lame but I don't know if I've fully conveyed in this thread just how low I think my chances are doing cold approach in the middle of the day based on my looks and my confidence levels.

    I decide asking for place to buy an umbrella might be a 'normal' thing to do, and I chose the mall to do so due to the high foot traffic as well as the shelter from the rain.

    I began with, 'excuse me, do you know where I can buy an umbrella?'
    'I'm not from here, sorry.'
    'Me neither...I'm not from here...uh...thanks'

    She was on the move as she answered the question and my line was uttered to a target in the process of moving away form me.

    I approach another target. And she looked PISSED as she stopped to take out her headphones before answering my question with a curt 'JD SPORTS!' And that was it.

    Later I went outside and in tourist mode I approached a target and said, 'excuse me, do you know where_____ is?'
    'NO!' she said before stomping away.

    This was brutal. 3 in a row of just completely unfriendly people. And I took it personally at the time but with reflection...they were busy. They didn't want to be approached and they responded to me as a nuisance which is how they viewed me.

    Time ticks one and I approach another target. This girl is a bit chubbier and less good looking. I think I was so beaten down I thought I might as well try with less attractive people.

    I said, 'excuse me, is there a coffee shop near here?'
    'There's a Costa right there.'
    'I think that's the cinema though, is there another one?'
    'There's a Starbucks over there.'
    'Hmm...yeah Starbucks is good but I always go there. Do you know any non-chain ones'
    'To be fair they're all chains around here.'
    'Right. I don't know this area so well. I'm not from here and I don't know where to go.'
    'Oh okay yeah it's a bit of a confusing place.'
    'I was thinking about going to_______Do you know where that is?'
    'Yeah it's just down there.'
    'Oh okay thanks. I'm from______. I haven't been here for a long time. It's changed a lot.'
    'Yeah it's changed a lot.'
    'Was the mall here 10 years ago? That was the last time I was here.'
    'Yeah it was.'
    'Right okay. Yeah I used to live abroad and I had Starbucks all the time there so I want to try something else.'
    'Right okay. Listen. I'm just on my lunch break now and I have to get back quick. I'm sorry I couldn't help you more.'
    'Thanks. Bye!'

    After 3 horror stories at least this woman was friendly and I managed to keep it going a bit with a total stranger in the streets.

    A few minutes later I go for another target, 'excuse me, do you know where ______ is?'
    She gives me directions and walks away. Another person who didn't appear up for a chat but then again directions openers they often give them quickly and turn around and walk away fast.

    Later on I go home thinking 'what the hell was that?'

    I take my seat on the train. Near the window. On the window on the opposite side of a train sits a woman with a large suitcase. After about 20 minutes on the train I said,
    'Excuse me, is that a good suitcase?'
    'Yeah it is'
    'Right. It's just I'm thinking of buying a new one'
    'I've had this one for ages.'
    'Does it have wheels?'
    'No it doesn't
    'I prefer the ones with wheels.'
    'Yeah, they're way more convenient'
    'I travel a lot and I need to get a new one, though I haven't travelled much recently'
    'yeah. This is really good. It's tough. I've had it for years.''
    'Cool. I prefer that material to the steel type' (cannot believe what I'm saying at this point...just scrambling for anything)
    'Yeah you can fit more in'
    'Right. I was living abroad and when I left I was able to fit everything into one suitcase. I had to throw a lot out to do that' (am happy with this transition from suitcase itself to minimal lifestyle!)
    'Yeah that reminds me I did the same thing when I left Japan'
    'Oh...I used to live in Japan too!'

    And here began a roughly 50 minute convo all about our Japan experiences. We happen to live in the same town.

    I got the number (though she seemed to really want to give me her Facebook but I persisted with getting the number and saying I don't use Facebook much)

    She was a cool gal, it seemed. Very into nerd culture. But I did notice a woke vibe coming from her in her critique of Japanese culture, which put me off to be honest.

    But still, if I judge the process my day went from miserable nothing to having a fun chat and sharing lots of similar life experiences with a stranger on a train!

    I'll take that.

    88/100

    Also, I want to write a little update on the last number I got. I sent her a text asking to meetup and her response was, 'why? You're a stranger.' That hurt my feelings and made me feel like a weirdo for even trying this. It probably colored my perceptions with this round of approaches but I am glad to push it out of my memory with new experiences.

    End is near everyone!
     
    ruso likes this.
  6. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

    397
    369
    63
    I was in a coffee shop today and struck up two chats in there.

    First one was to a woman sat directly behind me. I turned around and said, 'excuse me, do you know a place where I can buy a phone charger?'
    'You could try______'
    'Right, yeah just I have the USB charger but I forgot the plug'
    'Yeah I think you can get one at_____'
    'Do you think they have power packs there?'
    'They might'
    'Oh right. Yeah when I think of_____ I think of house supplies, not electronics.'
    'Yeah. You could try it.'
    'Okay thanks'

    And I turned around. Didn't push it because I feel like by talking with my head turned I gave her no option to end it herself bar getting up and leaving the cafe.

    Eventually, she left. I see a guy with a load of shopping bags get up and leave.

    I turned to a woman sitting across the cafe and said,'
    'Wow. That's a lot of shopping.'
    'Yeah. Sure is.'
    'He must live near here.'
    'Yeah. I was surprised he could carry it all.'
    'Right. Maybe he's stocking up'
    'He might be.'
    *a few moments pass and I try to start up a new little chat*
    'Is that a good book?' (she didn't seem hear)
    * about 10 more seconds pass*
    'Is that a kindle? (didn't seem to hear this either)

    I feel bad for using the 'stocking up' line because it's alluding to the dark chaos of these times and isn't very light for a middle of the day coffee shop observation. I just said whatever came into my head and unfortunately today it wasn't a great comment. Was a bit weird she didn't hear me at all when I asked her some other questions considering she wasn't sitting that far away, but I took it as a sign not to keep going.

    90/100

    Things to be positive about: This was my first ever coffee shop approach in the UK!

    Also, it was my first ever time using an observation of something happening in the moment to strike up a chat.

    So that's two big new steps for me! Even if the results were pretty poor.

    I have some bad news about the last number I got which I will need to address in some depth in a later post. Needless to say, I am feeling more defeatist than ever. I see this more as a series of social experiments which, while interesting, are certainly tiresome and not how I want to spend my hours generally.
     
    ruso likes this.
  7. Rents77

    Rents77 Fapstronaut

    Accidentally bumped into Todd V Dating's channel on YouTube and I have to say it's been a blessing of knowledge. Absolutely amazing content and hints.

    Would recommend it to anyone that's not only considering cold approaches, but dating in general.
     
  8. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

    397
    369
    63
    Just one day.

    Was on a long walk and I saw a woman walking in the opposite direction. I didn't have any good ideas for starter so I said,
    'Excuse me, is there a shop near here?'
    'Yeah there's a petrol station just there'
    'Right, it's just I'm thirsty'
    'Walk a bit down the road and you'll find a shop'
    'Okay thanks'

    Didn't really try that hard to keep it going. Just felt weird right next to a busy road. I could have pushed myself a bit more though. But it's tough in the street. They give the directions and then turn when it's done. I often let it end and don't even try a ramble. But at times I've thrown out rambles to turned backs and that didn't feel great either.

    I mostly do this type of approach just to keep my momentum going since it still requires facing my fear and pushing myself.

    91/100
     
    ruso likes this.
  9. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

    397
    369
    63
    I hadn't planned to do any today, but I wound up going to a place called a 'retail park.' Basically a parking lot with a load of shops in the middle of nowhere. I found it to be full of targets. Even though I had planned tomorrow to do a 9 approach blow out to end the entire challenge, today brought me some chances and so I went with it. I did 4 approaches.

    At first I was in Poundland. I saw a pretty hot girl but she had headphones on and I just couldn't think of an opener. It was a huge Poundland so the old, 'do you know of any bigger shops?' would be weird. I was overthinking it. Eventually I overthought it to the point she walked away.

    Next, I walked up a section with DVDs and CDs. I just blurted out to an older woman standing next to me,
    'You don't see many DVDs nowadays.'
    'You don't.'
    'I don't even know if I can still play them'
    'No'
    'Oh wait these are blu-rays'
    'Yeah though they're not common either.'
    'I miss DVDs in a way'
    'Yeah'
    'Something about the menu screen'
    'Hmm'
    'And just sitting there and knowing - this is my entertainment for the next few hours. I've paid for it and committed. It makes you value it more.'
    'mmm'

    And then she walked away. She had a family who soon appeared so uh...that was that. Maybe the musing on entertainment culture with a total stranger was too...cerebral? I don't know. So many of my approaches have happened like this. I miss a target I am attracted to and then I try a make up approach with someone who I don't find desirable.

    A while later I saw a woman holding a load of coloring books and color pencils in the kids section. I scanned the hand for a wedding ring but couldn't see one, so I thought I might as well try something *gulp* this is what I went with:

    'Excuse me, do you know if there are any other shops that sell toys here?' (*face palm*)
    Argos. PoundStretcher.
    They're just over there?
    Yeah they're just over there.
    Right. It's just I teach kids and I'm looking for some toys to use in my lessons
    Got you.

    I hated the way she said 'got you.' It made me think the explanation was needed. What am I doing asking women about buying children's toys? This is playing into some creepy stereotype. It makes me fear I am playing a caricature of my worst imaginings of how I come across to women. We become what we think we are!

    The reason I went for it is because it's TRUE and I like to go with the truth as it's easier to come across as authentic. Still, if you're going to go for a weirdo opener like this at least go all the way man! Ramble about the toys you already have. The animal and sock puppets and pros and cons of different toys. But then again maybe that would have just been insane and better I let this odd choice fizzle out.

    The one thing I have learnt in this challenge is the more interests you cultivate, the better chances you will have with small talk. The problem for many dudes is we are obsessive about things women have no interest in. Like video games, random bands, movies, comics books. Even stuff like travel...in the UK not that many women are obsessed with travel. Maybe a resort holiday to Spain or France but that's it.

    I realised I had cracked through a barrier by cultivating an interest in dogs - it gave me something to ramble about that could engage women. I think clearly food and house and cleaning products would be others. But it's a bit much to force yourself to be interested in baskets or towels just to cold approach women in a shop.

    Then I was outside again. Saw a fatty but good looking one waddling towards me so I said,
    'Excuse me, is there a pharmacy near here? It's just I'm looking for some vitamins and I already tried Boots'
    (long opener)
    "Ok...there's Superdrug.'
    'Right. I'm looking for L-theanine. It increases concentration.'
    'You might have to go into town for that.'
    'Yeah '
    'Or there is Boots there'
    'Ok. Thank you'

    I think my negative state of mind ruined this one. I could have probably rambled more and I've used this opener before? I just went in thinking 'she hates me!' and wanted it to end basically. I expect too much positive feedback and am not good at withstanding the pain of the awkwardness. It's like standing under a cold shower. You might not WANT to stand under it for any longer than a few seconds, but it doesn't mean you can't!

    Finally I was in McDonald's. I saw some fries all over the floor and 2 women sitting on a table. One of the girls walked away and I said,

    'Did they spill your fries?'
    'No. Be careful with your bag cos our food fell right through.'
    'Oh no. That sounds like a prank. I hope they didn't do it on purpose.'
    Then her friend came back and ended that.

    Don't feel great about this! Could have extended it for longer. But on the positive side, it was another approach where I used something in the moment to start a chat. I'll give myself points for that. Even though to be totally honest I waited a bit too long (until all the fries had been cleared and a few minutes after that) before finally striking up the chat.

    The girl was clearly a bit of a slag and a few minutes later she was analysing texts she had received from a guy with her friends. It always interests me to observe women talking about texts like, 'he said 'see you tomorrow' and then being happy with that. It makes me realise how clearly no girls I texts are having chats like that about my texts nor could I ever have that kind of effect on women. It's a depressing thought. But as I reach the end of this challenge, I have come back around to a point of view I had before even starting it. There is more to life than dating and birds and sexual gratification. All this time spent approaching could be spent on learning an instrument or a language or writing short stories or exercising. But I've used this argument before. It doesn't need to be an either/or. THAT is the problem and always was. Extremist black and white thinking. 'Ok, I'm an artist. I don't talk to women because I need to focus on my work.' You can be an artist who also exercises and occasionally talks to women. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

    I am glad today happened like this because it gives me a manageable yet still challenging number to attain tomorrow. I will go out for a final day of approaching and end this challenge! Part of me feels a little sad, like it's the end of an era. I've learnt so much about myself, about my failings, my weaknesses. I've had glimmers of hope as well as moments where victories were snatched from me. But I'm still here!

    95/100
     
    RealMe likes this.
  10. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

    397
    369
    63
    Today I went into major UK city to finish off the challenge. I did 7 approaches.

    First one was in the train station and went like this,

    'Excuse me, do you know how to get to______?'
    'You go out that way.'
    'Right. This station is confusing. It's like an airport.'
    'Yeah. When I got here I was like 'what?'
    'Right. I'm not from here so I'm a bit confused.'
    'You can try going through there.'
    'Alright. I'll try that.'

    She stood up to walk away and I said thank you and that was that.

    Next, I went to Waterstones - a major book shop in the uk.

    I walked up to the travel section and picked up a random book on sightseeing places in the UK and then turned to a girl next to me.
    'Have you been to any of these places?"
    'No, but I'm thinking of going to the Peak district.'
    'Right. Yeah I'm thinking of going somewhere in the UK too. I have friends who live in Devon'
    'Oh yeah I've heard that's good.'
    'I'd like to travel abroad but it's difficult now'
    'Yeah I was thinking of going abroad but it's not really possible now'
    'Right. I've just come back to the UK recently and I'm looking for places to go.'
    'You're not from here?'
    'Yeah I am but I've been living abroad for 10 years'
    'Right. I've been living here for many years but I still have many places to see.'
    'So you're from another country?'
    'I'm from Canada'
    'Oh, I used to live in Canada.'
    'What part?'
    'Toronto.'
    'You lived in Toronto for 10 years?'
    'No 1 year. What part of Canada are you from?'
    'Ottawa. It's near Toronto.'
    'Oh okay, I was living in Ontario.'
    'Ontario is the province' (she said that to me like I was an idiot) Anyway, nice talking to you' and she walked away.

    Then I walk up to the new releases section and turn to a target standing right next to me.
    'Have you read any of these books?' (no idea why I dropped the 'excuse me?')
    'These books? I've read Piranesi.'
    'Oh. What's that about?"
    'It's about someone trapped in a maze and then she wonders if the maze is real and who put it there.'
    'So it's kind of a psychological story.'
    'yeah'
    'I love that type of stuff in movies at least. Twisty type stories. Is there a big twist?'
    'Uhh...yeah. I just listened to it on audiobook.'
    'I don't usually listen on audiobooks because I get distracted on my computer. Recently, I've been reading on my kindle but the battery ran out and that's why I'm looking for a new book.'
    'Hmm'
    'I haven't read many new releases though. The last newer book I was read was by Emma Kline. It was a collection of short stories.'
    'I've heard the name'
    'Yeah. Her most famous book was a novel though.'
    'The girls?'
    'Yeah but I haven't read that. Sometimes I like short stories for something different'
    'Yeah it's shorter.'
    'I love Roald Dahl's stories - they are dark but all have great twists.'
    'Yeah I like Roald Dahl.'
    'Recently I've been reading a Russian novel. But I'm having troubles remembering the names.'
    'It's challenging'
    'Yeah. I had to re-read it 3 times to understand it, but it's a rewarding feeling. Not every book you read has to be a chore though'
    *chuckles* Yeah some books are just to relax
    Yeah
    She was moving away from me throughout this whole exchange and eventually said 'nice talking to you' and left.
    ,
    Literally seconds later I opened with the exact same opener in the same spot of the book store. This was a risky move because the other girl was still in the store ! And surely then she would see my 'spontaneous' chat was some sort of routine. I was just desperate to rack up some approaches and finish the challenge and so disposed of any usual caution about being 'found out' so to speak.

    'Excuse me, have you read any of these books?' (same opener because I kinda dig it?)
    'Uhmm...no I haven't but I heard that's good' She was gesturing to the book 'Piranesi.'
    'I've heard that's good too' (indeed, I had been recommended it just seconds before!) I heard it's about someone in a maze and is kind of psychological.'
    'Yeah'
    'Usually I use my kindle but my battery ran out'
    'Oh no'
    'But these are all hardback, so it's not so convenient'
    'I hate hardback'
    'Yeah, they're heavier and take up more space'
    'Yeah'
    She then moved away from me so I awkwardly said 'uhh...thank you'
    She let out an awkward chuckle and then said 'it's okay' before moving away.

    I felt suddenly conscious of the girl I had just approached still in the store. I was tempted to look behind me in case she was watching me trying to chat up another bird but I thought it'd be better if I didn't know, so I powered out of there.

    I was then struck with the knowledge that I needed just one more approach to get to 100. I spent some time pounding the turf looking for someone to make eye contact, but no one did.

    Eventually I saw a kind of fat girl and went for it, thinking she wasn't hot enough to blow me off.
    I said, 'excuse me, is there a pet shop near here?'
    'I don't know'
    'Right. Just I got a new dog and I'm looking for a harness instead of a leash.'
    'I don't know, sorry.'
    'Yeah, I don't know this area because I'm not from here.'
    'I don't know it so well either.'
    'I used to come here like 10 years ago but it's changed a lot since then.'
    'Yeah it's changed.'
    'I was living in South East Asia and came back last year'
    'Okay'
    'Now, I don't know which shops to go to.' (hmm, this alien vibe isn't great)
    'Things are strange now.'
    'Yeah'
    'I was walking by the station and that's totally changed.'
    'Hmm'
    'Anyway yeah I came back to the UK and bought a new dog. '
    I was about to go on about this more when some big strapping dude (boyfriend) comes out. I thought it would be more natural to maybe wait and ask him as well but I went into flight mode.
    'Thank you' I said before scuttering away quickly

    I heard his voice in the distance saying, 'what was that about?' but I didn't wait to hear any more.

    So this was approach 100. Hardly a glorious finish! I wanted it to be like a movie. On the 100th approach...it happens to be my soulmate and we live happily ever after.

    100/100

    Then I was waiting in line at Starbucks, I said, 'excuse me, are you in the line?'
    'yeah' and she looked away kind of annoyed. Soon she left the line.
    Maybe I shouldn't count this but who cares now?

    Then something pretty embarrassing happened. I saw one of the girls from the book shop (the first one who recommended me the book) come in with her boyfriend.

    I looked at her say something into the ear of her boyfriend who then turned around saying 'What?' and looking.
    Of course, I wasn't privy to what she said but I imagine it was something like - 'oh look! There's that weird guy who talked to me in the book shop!' And if she saw the other approach maybe she was adding, 'and he just stood there and started talking to another girl right after!'
    I felt a sense of horrible shame and I stood up and left without turning to check if they were looking at me and talking about me.

    Of course this is all in my head. Who knows if she really said that? And even if she did, so what? It's better to be an absolute laughing stock to women than non-existent!

    Finally, I went up to a woman on a bench and said,
    'excuse me, is there a coffee shop near here?' she was reading a book but I felt too scared to do the 'is that a good book?' opener for some reason. Maybe it reminded me too much of my recent book shop approaches.
    'Yeah there's a few. There's one there.'
    'I was walking around and I couldn't find one'
    'It's literally right there'
    'Oh. Okay. I must have missed it'
    Then she pointed right at it and looked back to her book. I walked away after thanking her.

    102/100

    I will have some closing thoughts later.
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2021
    RealMe likes this.
  11. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

    397
    369
    63
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Data Sheet:



    Approaches: 100
    Numbers: 6
    Dates: 3
     
    RealMe and brassknucks like this.
  12. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

    397
    369
    63
    One thing I wanted to write about earlier and forgot was the last number I got. In some ways that felt like the end of the challenge to me and everything after that some sort of appendix.

    We met on the train, talked for over an hour and of course my imagination runs away with me. She lived in Japan like me? And she liked video games? And she studied the subject I do as my job? So many things in common. Meeting like that...on the train - that classic way that only happens in movies. This has to be something.

    I had a look at her social media profile (she had a very distinctive name and was easy to find) and some major red flags came up immediately.

    First off, lots of her posts were about racism. If you aren't actively against racism, you are racist and sentiments like that. Then there were posts about rape culture and how men objectify women and see them just objects.

    Amusingly, she had also posted many photos of herself heavily made up and wearing slutty outfits.

    Clearly this woman I had just met was a social justice activist. I still sent her a text after that (which she didn't reply to). But who knows, maybe she could build this up as 'some creep HARASSED me on the train!' because getting validation for being a victim is probably more of a drug for some women than going on an date with a guy. It made me realise how you could have a wholly enjoyable innocent chat with someone, but they might have a hidden twisted side you don't know about and could try to use it against you later. This is why we need to be doubly cautious which isn't conducive being relaxed and calm and showing our best selves.

    That being said, I need to also look at myself. I have basically been posting anonymously on nofap forums about all of my encounters. And in a way my double life is all the more sinister since mine is a on a private forum under a pseudonym!

    I sometimes think I have been using women as stats for my weird little live action role playing game with this challenge and while that isn't wholly true, there's probably something to it.

    That being said, if that is what it took to get me out the door and open my mouth then so be it. It's better than having some incredibly perfectionistic attitude about how an interaction needs to be authentic which I then never find!

    But I would say that every number I got made me think I'd found some sort of potential soul mate. We had things in common and a good vibe but each time I was wholly wrong about that. I think I'm stupidly romantic and have this idea of meeting 'the one' even after everything.
     
  13. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

    397
    369
    63
    Even though this challenge is over and focus on such worldly concerns is unhealthy long term, I did one approach in a supermarket today.

    I saw a cute girl and said,

    'Excuse me, is there another supermarket near here?'
    'I don't know. I'm new from here.' (grammar mistake and accent gave away she's foreign)
    Me too. I'm not from here. Just I can't find any bread.
    They don't have any bread? (she turned and started walking away)
    No, it's weird. It's such a staple (I said this to a turned back walking away)

    I think I probably waited too long before approaching her. Maybe I should have rambled for longer before she turned and walked away. You need to be lightning fast in these scenarios. I keep on waiting for positive feedback as a sign but sometimes you need to create a relaxed atmosphere and then the feedback will come. It doesn't just appear randomly due to her suddenly liking a dude who is talking to her from nowhere. Possibly it does sometimes but in other cases you have to basically create a vibe that is relaxed and fun. This is something I really struggle with. Sure, I am overcoming my fear by doing approaches. But I can't get over it enough to appear like a warm and confident person.

    Often I say the line and I'm in my head like this, 'she looks annoyed. Should probably let this end quickly' but I know in the past I was able to change the annoyed vibe by rambling enough to change the mood. It's just I often lacked the resources or skills to do that.

    I feel my approach anxiety is down for sure, so that's something. The next phase for me would be improving my post approach performance.

    But to be fair to myself, sometimes you imagine 'damn if I'd said something like THIS it would have all been different' when really you might have just said those extra lines, got a laugh and then have her walk away after that. There's no magic line that will turn someone to stop and chat with you. Other times I've had targets pretty much glued to the spot talking to me but that didn't translate to numbers or dates either. It's a real tough thing to have go right and a lot of it really is down to factors beyond your control.

    103/100

    I think cold approach really needs to be combined with some sort of hobby/activity that puts you around a rotating supply of women to meet. Something like DJing/playing in a band/running club/book club/language society/drama group.

    Also, being strong in body and mind is important. This is why nofap and avoiding PMO is great because it's removing horrible decadent influences from your mind.
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2021
    RealMe likes this.
  14. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

    397
    369
    63
    I just spent a bit of time reading back over this thread. I guess it's something to think that I had dates in March, April and May all from doing this challenge. Not to mention imagining how sad these last few months would have been without it? I mean yeah you could argue I might have been better spending this time reading works of amazing literature, studying a language or beefing up my muscles. But the thing is that type of enclosed activity is my comfort zone, even when it's difficult. This challenge forced me to basically go completely against my character type.

    True, sometimes I leaned into negative aspect myself by perhaps indulging in my awkward vibe instead of hiding it or creating a more relaxed one. But it's too much to expect a full on personality transplant with this and questionable how effective that would even be.

    The lows didn't come from the approaches themselves. Despite what I built up in my mind, there was no moment where I was publicly shamed, accused of harassment or ended up the brunt of an attack by a protective brother or boyfriend. Even times when I approached girls with boyfriends in close proximity, I was not confronted. True, this is partially because I go so indirect it's questionable what I'm even doing is 'game' at all. But no, the lows came from myself - the dizzying fantasies I created of potential soulmates destroyed by the reality of sudden flakes.

    I can't get my head around why someone would respond eagerly to a text at first and then increasingly less so to the point they completely ignore them. That does not sit well with me. I guess I have to imagine times when girls I'm not attracted to at all have messaged me. I have replied at first out of curtesy and then just put them on the backburner. I HAVE done it!

    It's masturbatory to try to create a relationship in your imagination and expect that to come into fruition due to the sheer force of your mind. Reality hurts.

    To be honest, I still feel like I'm only really at the shallow pool of this 'game' stuff. Yeah, I can open and with some targets get numbers. It's a start. But there's a lot to learn.

    I can't be bothered to do a calculation but a LOT of my openers were directions openers. Only ONCE did I turn this into a number and almost all of them ended in less than a minute. I still do them since they are the best way to break the ice, in my opinion, of being afraid of strangers. They're like taking a cold shower.

    My own worst enemy was not the women - it was me. I became what I was afraid of. I thought 'I'm a freak and she'll see it' and if you think that way strongly enough, that's exactly what happens.
     
    brassknucks likes this.
  15. brassknucks

    brassknucks Fapstronaut

    579
    746
    93
    ^Great assessment bro. Are you an Engineer or something? That was very analytical.
     
  16. brassknucks

    brassknucks Fapstronaut

    579
    746
    93
    I fucked up this weekend. Had a couple of good opportunities and what did I do? I ended up running away like a little bitch! Smh
     
  17. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

    397
    369
    63
    I relapsed yesterday.

    How much of a role did nofap play in this challenge? A large one I'd say. Doing cold approach requires an extra additional push to stop yourself getting dragged down into the abyss by the voices in your head, the imagined judgement of strangers, or the feeling that your life will somehow be ruined by this. Once diminished by fapping, the near madness required for sane behaviour (strange paradox) is gone.

    Who knows how often this device, this push, has benefited men in history? I imagine it's this that causes novelists to do one last rewrite, guitar players to spend extra hours practicing, or fearful men to risk their savings and sanity to visit far off lands in the hope of bountiful and available beauties. The sexual impulse can drive us to dizzying heights and awful lows. It's not an absolute 'good.' It's just an insanely powerful force - not compared to fire for nothing. Fire - once harnessed - can do great things, forge swords or create majestic explosions in the sky. Yet it can also destroy cities and send men to their early graves. Likewise with the sexual impulse, it can cause men to be more than what they are - transcend - but equally (and far more commonly, unfortunately) it reduces men to mere beasts unworthy of respect.

    I have found myself struggling with guilt and shame and not just about my recent unremarkable fap on the toilet seat. Although in my last post I said there had been no reprimands for this challenge, I still worry about the social implications. I mean, what if I was gossiped about? And why oh why did I send restart texts out to girls after they clearly showed zero interest in earlier texts and flakes? The additional unwanted texting? THAT was creepy and persistent in a way the approaches were not. Again, the opposite of how things appear is the case. Sure I never went overboard. Maybe I sent 2 texts without reply. But that was too much. I let my desperation and loneliness override my common sense.

    My mind starts to run away with me. Some of these approaches, they have my number. Some of them live in my very small town. What if they spread words of warning? What if they contact my university? Just because women appear nice to your face in certain moments means nothing.

    One thing I have started to believe is that some women get more from their victim status than by receiving male attention by men they do not deem attractive. Who cares about validation of one single man when they can get it from potentially hundreds by posting a victim narrative on social media? I don't know about international women but British women are waiting for an excuse to call themselves oppressed by men. I cannot confirm this with strong anecdotal evidence, it's a hunch - perhaps a paranoid fear.

    Yet it isn't JUST in my mind. Awful fears came from one approach who posted a ton of women victim stories on her Facebook. Sure, she was kind and friendly to me. But women are always like that to your face - they hide, they manipulate, they are cunning. Mental illness is everywhere. She might see this as a good chance to score some online points. I say this because I have seen women friends on Facebook post their, 'OMG I just got approached!' stories on Facebook and the comments are usually trashing such behaviour.

    So I have major worries about doing this long term because maybe I was just lucky that nothing blew up in my face by these unhinged women.

    Maybe I should get out of the game while I'm still untarnished.

    At the very least, you need to be careful how your reputation could be damaged by this. For this reason, I go indirect. I err on the side of caution in regards to them showing any signs of disinterest. Maybe I am losing chances by ducking out too soon, but it's worth it overall for saving possible reputation damage.

    To go back to my original point, using my sexual energy for having random inane chats with flakey shallow strangers? What good is that doing beyond a little ego boosting? On my death bed, will I really say 'I wish I'd approached more women' ? Or will I say 'why did I let my mind get distracted from higher goals by the base requirements of my animalistic nature.' ? If you look at the stories of famous PUA's, they all burned out. All went mad and had to eventually use their energy for something more valuable. Clearly (in my view) mental illness and cold approach go hand in hand. But as I said earlier, sometimes to be truly sane you have to lose your mind a little. It can just be hard to readjust after playing with fire.
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2021
    Rents77 and StoicContemplation like this.
  18. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

    397
    369
    63
    So since 'ending' the challenge I found myself passing up a few good prospects I would have probably crawled over broken glass to have a few weeks ago.

    Like yesterday, I'm walking down an empty street. Hot girl walking towards me with no audience. Perfect for a possible, 'excuse me? How much further is it into town?' opener and I could twist the truth a bit and say I don't usually walk into town. But I didn't do it. And you know what else? I didn't feel bad about it either. I understood that most likely she'd answer the question as quickly and curtly as possible before pounding the tarmac away from me as if I were a beggar demanding some change.

    Same today. Was in a coffee shop and saw a hot girl with a laptop. She was wearing those tight denim shorts that don't even approach the knees. And though she was hot, I could already predict the type. From a rich family, a bit of an attitude. Look at me, I'm a hunched over disheveled borderline autistic man who only has one redeeming quality - a quirky individualism. No girls are banging guys with that as a selling point. I understand that may make some of my posts interesting in a way, a different take on things. But I'm the last person who should be doing this challenge really. Of course I could have done the 'is that a good laptop?' opener. But reputation damage fear came into effect - the shop was pretty empty and the staff would have been able to hear the whole thing. Since I'm a regular at this shop, it would be tough to show my face again if the interaction went badly. Due to this hesitation, chances are I would take the half-measure of leaving the approach early instead of pushing for a rejection, so I didn't do it.

    Yet old habits die hard. I walked to a nearby supermarket and saw a chubster outside eating. I bought a smoothie myself and said,
    'Excuse me, is there a bigger supermarket near here?'
    'I think there's one_____'
    'Oh okay. Just I'm not from here. Where I'm from there are more'
    'You could try _____ in town.'
    'Yeah that's okay. I'm looking for a cheaper supermarket like Lidl or Audi.'
    'There's a ______ by the station.
    'Oh okay. Maybe I'll walk there.'
    'What do you want exactly?'
    'Just...general food.'
    'Okay'
    Then she gets up and says 'hope you find something' and leaves.

    Seconds later, I see a bird with a dog. I look squarely at the dog and say,'
    'What kind of dog is that' She is taken aback and surprised but answers,
    'It's a cavapoo.'
    'Oh really, I have a dog like that. Mine is a cockerpoo. What's that a mixture of?'
    'A cavalier and a poodle. Yours?'
    'A cocker spaniel and a poodle.'
    'Aw. How old is your dog?'
    'A year. Yours?'
    'Same'
    Then her mother came out of the store and things got a bit awkward as she tired to read what was going on.
    'He's a hand full' she said before walking off and saying, 'have a good day!'
    This was friendly and I have to say this did take me out of my head a little at the very least.

    Finally, I saw a bird painting a nearby shop on a ladder.
    I said, 'excuse me, is this shop still open?'
    She said, 'it's open usually. Should be open tomorrow.'
    'Okay cool. I'm not from here. Good to know' She smiled at me.
    There is a pause
    ME:'There are lots of cool shops around here'
    'Yeah it's great there are small businesses.'
    'True. There are many in ____ as well.'
    'This is one good thing about the pandemic is that people are keeping these shops alive.'
    'Yeah.' I said. 'It would be horrible if all the small businesses closed' (nice one idiot, making things depressing and serious)
    She then said yeah and glared back at her paint. I thought about sharing my recent experience painting the fence in my garden and the issues I had with different size brushes. Kind of regret I held back now.

    Easily could have extended that if I had more guts and confidence.

    I also had already had a horrible confrontation with a man in a coffee shop about mask wearing. He demanded I wear a mask and didn't believe me when I said I was exempt. He then told the staff on me. Informed on me! I hate confrontation but I stood my ground. Funnily enough, when he harassed me to show my exemption card I said, 'sorry, I don't know you' as a response. I don't talk to strangers, right? Hehe.

    106/100

    The challenge is over but when I see opportunities I find myself dreading them much less. But dog openers or easy prop openers or the supermarket opener are all ones within my comfort zone. Reaching out to a girl on a laptop in a coffee shop with listeners? That would be a stretch for me.
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2021
    StoicContemplation likes this.
  19. Rents77

    Rents77 Fapstronaut

    As much as you're willing to talk them up, you could use a storyline - like some stuff that would actually get them to talk and not close the discussion as soon.

    Read through the last few posts and I feel like I'm watching a dog chasing a car - you have all that enthusiasm and you're not prepared beforehand, you've not set yourself up for success in any way.
     
  20. Kowe

    Kowe Fapstronaut

    397
    369
    63
    Yep, fair point. I'm not throwing out anything for them to grab hold of really conversationally. To be fair, I did with the dog one - I mentioned I recently got a dog. But it got cut short by a mother arriving.

    With the paint one, I had a chance but blew it.

    With the food one, I had nothing.

    Still I'm kind of half doing it. Opening but not really presenting much to move the conversation forward.

    However being 'prepared' is not necessarily a solution as that can lead to inauthenticity.
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2021
    Rents77 likes this.

Share This Page