Trans OCD thread (porn addiction)

It is a very complex matter and difficult to deal with in a post - you have to do a lot of introspection - like how does MO serve in your life, other than the obvious and immediate gratification? Are you unconsciously trying to cover up some old pain or medicate some psychic wound?

In general, most of the time, are you sexually aroused by the sight of a naked woman (solo shot) or the sight of a naked man (solo shot)? This may be a better indicator of your sexual interest - but not always.

In fantasy, wanting to be the girl or a guy who is submissive to another man may not necessarily mean you're transexual or gay. Sometimes the desire is a compensation from missing love or affection from a father or brother or other significant male figure in life.

Also, an older brother who (unknowingly and immaturely) models male sexuality as seeing females as sex objects can perpetuate a trauma at times in younger brothers- we strive for a male model who teaches us the truth about women and doesn't objectify them or degrade. We also strive for a better example of love and nurturing from such a brother. And, don't blame older brother too much; he was a victim, too. And, if he didn't show you porn, some other guy would have or you would have discovered it another way.

Sometimes it's a woundedness from being bullied by a dominant male or males (our psyche may perpetuate the abuse that we swallowed and start to believe the lies ourself). Sometimes this might take the form (in fantasy) of wanting to give oral to a guy (just like a person bullied was made to "swallow" the bully's lies and abuse). There's probably a gratifying feeling of being made effeminate or shamed in the fantasy. Or, it could take the form of anal, if one felt like one was really screwed over by a mean bully. There's probably violence in such fantasy. Get the picture? The fantasy might have nothing to do with being trans or gay - one is trying to medicate (consciously or unconsciously) an unhealed past wound with either fantasy, sexually acting out, alcohol, drugs, or dopamine addiction (PMO). Makes sense? And, tragically, PMO or other addictions may be just reinforcing the self-abuse (M has even been called self-abuse, hasn't it?)

Also, a boy can also feel like a girl from earliest childhood if he has perceived early on that feminine things were superior (or more fun even) and that masculine role models were weaker. Look at TV shows like I Dream of Jeannie and Bewitched, for instance, where it's the female characters that have all the power and the male characters are bumbling idiots (a modeled emasculation of the male). Some boys will laugh at slapstick shows like the Three Stoogers (a show before your time - sorry), whereas other boys might perceive that they don't want to be male if that what being male is. That kind of thing. Some boys might have thought that being made out of "sugar and spice" sounded much better than being made out of "snakes and snails and puppy dog tails" (an old children's rhyme). The only way out of this kind of conundrum is to eventually learn that feminine/female isn't always what it's cracked up to be in the real world (there are many female vices as there are male vices) - one needs to grow away from female idealization and realize that there are many masculine ideals and manly traits in the real world that are truly noble and virtuous. Such boys who adopt a female identity earlier on out of pure perception of what seemed to be"good" are also often later victims to the male bullies (as described above, for instance), and their wound is compounded twofold, whereas most boys (even masculine boys) will be bullied at some time or another.

These are not the only things that can cause a confused sexuality; just some of them. You may get the idea. That's why I said it may take a lot of introspection to realize what your underlying factor is. Also, it could be that some folks are legitimately gay or trans - I'm not ruling that out either.

In the end, don't be scared or alarmed by the feelings or think that it labels you as gay or trans. Quite the opposite, it may be a life journey and path of healing that brings you into a holistic and healthy view of what your masculinity and manhood means - and this will bring happiness and fulfillment.

I hope this has helped some, or at least given you a picture of how some of these issues might be deeper than what we might label them on the surface.

Best wishes on your journey.

 

Your identity is your own to choose and discover and design and no one else can dictate that for you.

 

Gary Whatshisface actually talks about this quite a bit in the book YBOP, which I'm always recommending. Even mentions transexuals quite a bit too. The gist of it though is that no man you're probably not trans, gay, bi, or whatever. It's just that after watching smut for so long the content you need in order to get your johnnies off gets more and more kinkier. Some people end up watching some really batshit crazy stuff like bestiality or guro! Hell man I'd say a transgendered person porn fetish isn't even that uncommon any more. Plenty of straight guys use it! If you go look at the weekly top videos for some of the biggest porntube sites out there a good half of them will be transgendered person/ transwoman! It all has to do with the desensitization that Gary talks about in the book (much better than I explain it).

Look dude really I've jacked it to transgendered person vids plenty and have had some similar thoughts even , and I have absolutely no doubts about the direction of my sexuality which is 100% straight. It's just all about the kink man!!! No shame!! Don't worry!!

 

@sean6910, I understand how you feel. When I was in the depths of PMO I began to feel less like a sexual male and more just like an androgynous sexual being. When I was doing anything sexual, internal feelings of femininity and masculinity seemed to meld together. Both female bodies and male bodies turned me on. While I knew I was straight I still felt the same intense arousal from a sexual image of a man as I did from a sexual image of a woman. The idea of being trans did strongly cross my mind, it was extremely arousing to think of being a woman or a transsexual woman. During this time I considered myself straight but assumed that I must just be more open to everything sexual than the average person. I was quite confused.

Since I have stopped PMOing these thoughts have decreased significantly. I think the world of pornography is so intensely sexual that it just makes everything and everyone arousing, no matter the gender. I am back to feeling much more masculine, although a very small part of me is still in-touch with the sexual "female" part of me, which I am more than okay with.

Without PMO there is nothing wrong feeling like an androgynous sexual being. The problem we both had was that our feelings were strongly linked to PMO and that is not healthy.

 

I'm interested in your problems... I have the same thoughts like you sean.... for example: When somebody f*cking a girl and her tits bouncing, my "tits" are begin to tingling and think that "that is me whose tits are bouncing".... another example: When I saw a girl with painted nails, my nails gets "sensitive" and I'm started to think "That is my nails which are red painted".... I think both of our problems are porn-induced, because (at least in my case, and I think in yours too...) I didn't have these feelings at my childhood, before I started deathgrip MO-ing and PMO-ing....

 

I'm FULLY agree with you bro.... that's the hardest part...sometimes I've also feel these feeling very intensity, and just the thougths of that made me really arousing... But It is good we both have (maybe 100%) the same situation because it's reincforcing that this is because of porn...

As for other thoughts, I sometimes (especially for the last 3-4-5 months) I'm "Thinking like a woman". I couldn't explain it better, but if you have the same, I'm sure you understand... For example: In pictures I watch the men first, and think to be his pair like a woman...and something like these... another example: If I see a picture when a woman kiss a man in face my mind associate for that "if i'm on the picture, I will be the one who kiss the man on face (so the woman...))....

Every day is a struggle for me too....My mind often try to persuade me that I'm gay, but I KNOW I'm not.... because at my childhood I LOVE to be a man even in life and even in sex....

I would like to hear some of your more examples too....If you write some (like me) I'd be glad for that.

I also have to mention that I also have an older brother...

Keep going man! WE MUST DEFEAT THIS! THIS FIGHT IS FOR OUR LIVES!!! DON'T GIVE UP!

 

OCD often hits the person concerned with making them believe in their greatest fears. I wouldn't worry, it will pass.

Reading your thread are you actually excited at being a woman or giving pleasure to a woman and being excited at how they orgasm. I think it is more likely to be the latter?

 

There's an interesting kind of introversion/narcissism that goes on with these "in a female body" fantasies. Being passive/acted upon as opposed to being active/responsible is something I notice right off the bat for my own particular brand of personality defect.

Either way, straight or non, the universal characteristic is that of creating a pattern of apathy, complacency, dissociation from external reality, lethargy, social anxiety, etc, etc...

I wouldn't mind any sexual persuasion if I didn't feel like shit all the time.

 

I can totally relate to all this and I'll share my story. I started fapping when I was about 11/12, I would only watch lesbians and I'd never even look at a mans cock on a porn, if it wasn't lesbians I wouldn't watch it, over time I ended up finding a video of a transgendered person and a girl. It was intense, I could now actually watch this without having to look at a dude body as they were both pretty femenine.

Prior to this I had had a long term girlfriend, I never actually had sex with her, but we did most other stuff and I never questioned anything. When I lost my V, i was too proud to admit I was a virgin and the girl told me I sucked at sex. This has had a huge effect on me like really bad. Every other girl I've been with, I've always lost my erection at point of penetration. This ended up in me lying to people, friends, about sexual experiences as I didn't want to admit this as you can imagine.

I remember the transgendered person thing really taking off when I was 20 (I think) there was this girl in work who was pretty masculine and she looked like a transgendered person but she was kinda hot. My mind went to all sorts of crazy places and started fapping to transwoman stuff I thought it was normal as I was still attarcted to girls and such. However, when I was hanging about with friends, I never really talked to the girls we were with as I had this huge fear of 'Am I going to fuck up in the bedroom again?' so I just kind of stayed away from it.

I got bullied to hell by people and people called me gay but I didn't really notice I was high all the time. One day I did notice this and had a massive panic attack. The only break from this panic attack was fapping, and I did it to transgendered person porn. I got stuck in this cycle of, smoke weed, panic attack, PMO and it really messed me up. The drugs got harded, the fapping got longer and this must have happened for 2-3 years before I decided enough was enough. I ditched those people, went councilling, quit drugs and I got better. I still can't shake the transgendered person thing though, I can still PMO to girl porn or straight porn, it's just harder than transgendered person porn.

Just also to share, I have had sex with transgendered people, trust me man you wont like it, it hurts dosent even feel good. I did have a fettish for being dominated though and this kept me going back. EVERYTIME I REGRET DOING IT.

I have questioned my sexuality before, I have dressed like a woman but the thing that convinced me is this. I was watching Game of Thrones, there is one scence where Lloras Tyrell and some dude get it on. I could not watch it, I was disgusted. That sent a huge message to me, I realised I wasn't gay. Sure I still have issues with trannys and stuff but I knew I wasn't gay. This has got me through those questionable times. Look I don't know if it helps at all, but you wont ever get rid of porn fettishes you develop, you just got to accept it and move forward. Stop looking at porn, get around girls and women, try not to get friend zoned (this is pretty hard when you dont have confidence trust me). Just keep trying, youll get a spark and it'll really help dig out of the hole.

I can't say I'm cured, I don't know if I ever will be but I know I am more attracted to women I can connect with than a porn session or a mindless fettish fuck.

The more successful experinces you get with girls, even if it's just flirting, and less transgendered person porn you watch the easier it'll get to build and maintain that bridge.

Good luck