A Tough Reality

I most certainly do not expect everyone to relate to my post. However, the few who do it will save them countless tries, hours, and struggles in the journey. Everyone is different. However, I do think 100% recovery is possible, but it requires setting up the proper mind set. If you set up a proper mindset that focuses on the real things of life, avoiding lusting things etc, eventually those old memories will fade, while they may be still in your brain doesn't mean you will act on them. By that manner, I think it can be 100% recovery.

Relapses are definitely a part of recovery process for people, however, that doesn't mean we should approach with the idea that "oh well, I will do better next time." That justification just gives us a foot-in-the-door phenomenon that justifies future relapses "because we will do better next time," that mentality, there is no way to a 100% recovery because every time you relapse will just set a new goal that is not permanent.

Thank you for sharing your perspective, I do appreciate it. I totally agree with @ChangingMyLife, we as addicts say the first step to recovery is accepting and acknowledging, although I feel there should be a clause added in as a 1.1 step which is Accepting, acknowledging, and taking responsibility. If we expect it to just "happen" and pass the blame onto other things, (not take responsibility), we will never recover.

Whether I am new to this forum or not, I have been around, read enough posts, posted enough, to understand other peoples views. At a certain point "being new" isn't a reason or excuse. I much like you changed my mindset immediately. But the difference was I set it as milestones. I am going to reach this, then this, then this, taking baby steps. As a result, I have not yet relapsed and I will not be relapsing. I do not want that voice in my head that says "its okay, it will feel good, and then next time we can go even further." It is like taking candy from a fat child, saying tomorrow you can have some, then the next day saying in 2 days you can have some. It just increases the desire for it even more than saying no more candy, you are fat.

I think NoFap was once better. Not during my time since I have been here, but from the original ideas set forth by @alexander and the others. I think there was a time when NoFap was a community, that was supportive, yet tough. They were determined to be improvement, not temporary fixes. Temporary fixes is what I feel that this community is turning into. I don't know how to improve it, I think it is still a great community, but I feel that many could be reaping the benefits and changes to a much higher degree then they currently are.

This shouldn't be a thing that we need a punishment or reward for failure, other than what you personally set up. Anything that someone else sets up, is causing you to act under other peoples motives and will not really benefit the person in the long run.

@Phibz,

Masturbation is only inevitable when you allow it to be. I couldn't agree more. Was PMO an issue was a child? No, we created it to be an issue.

I however, in someways disagree with this statement. I personally, have worked hard to put my mind back on track, turning away from anything lustfull. As a result, since day 8ish (now on 20) this has been a breeze from abstaining. I don't tease myself and put me in a situation where I will fail, because I will if I allow myself to. That is why edging is a terrible idea. Edging builds your desire, YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE.

That is one thing that is pretty unanimous throughout this community, your brain needs to rewire to be successfully PMO free. If you intentionally seek out porn, if you fap, if you PMO, relapse, it isn't a minor setback, it isn't a road bump, your brain is back to ground 0. You have rebuilt the wiring that your brain was deconstructing. It isn't progress, it is starting over. Every. Single. Time.
I believe in a NoFap communtiy that doesn't agree with "edging" being okay. I believe in a NoFap community that says enough is enough. A NoFap community that is willing to make the personal sacrifice needed, that they say they want, to be able to live a PMO free life. A community that is strong, that trains their brains to protect themselves. Most importantly, a community that doesn't look at this as a Challenge anymore. It was a challenge when it was started, now it is an addiction, a movement, either get on or off the train, it makes no difference to me. But the train I am boarding will not accept failure. It will protect me, because I have told it how to protect me. It will be strong. It will not masturbate. It most certainly will not say I can do better next time, because to me PMO has dictated my thoughts, my actions, my relationships, and everything in between for too long. PMO has been my master to long. PMO will no longer enslave me, it will no longer control me, it will no longer define me. Most importantly, I will not tolerate it being apart of my life any longer. I will not allow the vocabularly of "I can do better than 30 days this time, I will do 31 days."

To me, enough is enough. PMO is dead to me.

Thank you for reading.

 

Hang in there and keep it up. This is exactly the reason why I wrote this post, you even said yourself I didn't take my commitment serious anymore, so why would you continue? That is what I want people to avoid. People to avoid playing with fire. It is just stupid. If you are hungry, but you are not allowed to eat - do you sit down in front of gourmet food? No, you avoid it because you KNOW that it will increase your desire for it.

Your penis still works. It will continue to work, you are not 80. It will work. Just like you said, its a terrible idea. Don't play with fire, why make your journey harder than it is? If you need to get from point A to B, are you going to go in a straight path right over the Himalaya mountains or will you use your brain and walk around the mountains? One is a ton easier, it is a longer journey certainly, however it is possible. If you let your mind wander and accept that you "just want to make sure johnny still works" you will fail, over and over. Every time you do it, you will be subtly telling your mind "its okay! It feels great and then we can go back to our journey!" Doing that is basically going half way up the mountain, and then turning around saying you will go up it next time. Just walk around the stupid mountain. Faster is not better in our case, slow and steady is best. Every day you reset, you reset the distance that you and PMO have had between you, the more you reset it, the closer you two become because you begin to marginalize the effects. "They are not so bad."

I hope and wish the best for you. I pray every day for those who struggle with this. I hope that people can stay strong and quit with the flipit's attitude that PMO is okay, but for the community, that PMO RELAPSE IS NOT OKAY.

God Bless.
8Bit

 

Thank you for chipping in and being respectful about it! I totally agree, be proud when we reach a milestone (I don't look at it as a goal, because a goal is a end point), but I don't think we should be marginalizing our failures. They are failures. Thank you for sharing!

I think this statement is spot on. That is why I advocate so strongly for diverting your mind. If you see a pretty girl, she is just another human. The better we get at removing this idea that "everyone is sexy" and "the things I'd do to her etc" the better we will be. Focusing on sex I think is destructive to the reboot process to, I think it probably extends the process for sure rather than abstaining all together.

Thank you guys/gals so much for your thoughts! I would love to keep it going.

 

I am not going to lie. It is really tough. It is tough to turn away every time. It is a journey in it-self I think. I feel that the biggest part of NoFap for me is not, not fapping. It is teaching myself to avoid those triggers. By avoiding those triggers everything will follow. If I can teach myself to look away from lusting things, if I get horny and I am alone to again turn away, do something else, than I don't tend to struggle with not fapping. However, if I don't try to focus on bettering my mind, NoFap becomes the hardest part of living.

 

I am right there with you man. It is hard. I just not even 15-30 minutes ago stumbled upon a pornographic gif. It took me a few seconds but yet again I was able to continue to turn away, and divert. That is what I am looking to achieve. The better I get at it, the easier it is and the faster I react typically.

 

I didn't state it as a truth, and you might need to read it a little more carefully if that is the case. Because I full out said you don't have to agree, its my opinion, if you are doing this, and all of that. I appreciate you pulling quotes from the about, however - it is irrelevant to what I was stating with this post. I was stating it isn't okay and people are not improving if they continue to interact they way they are. You don't have to agree with what I say and I respect your opinion, but I never once said it is a truth, implied it as a truth, or said you have to listen to it.

My written word, is my written belief. Just as yours is yours. If I start stating facts, then it might cross the border of truth not opinion, but otherwise written opinion is just that - opinion.

 

If this was me, and I was hard on you, then I apologize. I don't apologize for the meaning but maybe the more "offensive approach." I do hope you continue to fight buddy!

I totally agree with your statements regarding masturbation. I personally think it is wrong. Just as I said at one point (not sure if it was this thread or not...), "it's not fair to our future wives." But that is entirely my opinion. I am not saying you are wrong or right. That being said, wrong or right, one thing I know for 100% certainty is if I go back to M, I fall into the entire package of PMO. To me, I can't do M anymore, but I don't want to either, so I guess a win win? Regardless, I know some are on the same page with me, they know they can't M or it will turn to MPMO. No bueno. That is just my thought on it though.

@peregrinnus, first I want to say thank you for joining the discussion and taking the time to read these incredibly long posts. I also want to say thank you for your reply, it was nicely worded and was good to read. I wanted to address one major thing in your post that you discussed and called me out on, which was the idea of compassion. You are right in saying that, this post was lacking compassion and I do not deny that. The reasoning that I worded it that way was to intentionally be blunt. I feel that such a big majority of the posts on NoFap are all so similar that we forget the opposite side of the spectrum. Sometimes the community gets so caught up in being supportive that we forget about the "tough reality." So absolutely my post was without compassion, and I thank you for addressing it civil-y and giving me a shot to explain myself.

I am not entirely sure if you have seen many of my other posts to people, but I try to ensure that I stay 100% supportive, constructive, graceful, and compassionate for others in their own forums, however I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to make a thread that to my hope, would really hit home for a few readers. Gentleness is definitely a great way to get things through, however, if anyone is like myself, back when I was in a terrible relationship - people tried to gently tell me, but I needed the harsh wake-up before I would acknowledge the truth.

So that is my reasoning or "justification" for the way the post was written. I try my best to portray my opinions as well thought out and I do my best to not come off as a bigot, but I feel that a more blunt post was needed for a wake up call to the community. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it all! I encourage others to continue to talk and post. As long as people are posting, I will reply - after all, I did start the thread and it would be not acceptable to not humor peoples thoughts and criticisms.

God Bless.

 

Then this post is definitely not for you, and that is completely okay. Before you jump to conclusions of if I am being "insensitive", I would appreciate it if you gave me the same respect and actually read all the posts to my answers. I am by know means telling you my road or no read. But rather trying to open the minds of some individuals. This post may not speak to you, that is just fine. Good luck in your journey.