My Journey to Happiness and Peace

Thank you @Buddha Punk Robot Monk! You are an inspiration as well. Some of the talks we have aren't exactly fun but they are necessary. We have to be fully open and transparent with each other so we can heal our dark demons. I am finished running from mine though. I have been running so for long and I'm tired. I slept through the night without waking up once for the first time in moths last night. I always figured I was destined to be miserable but clearly that is not the case. We are developing into a wonderful, loving and understanding couple. I am so glad we found this community. I have learned that it isn't just for helping PMO addiction (although it is primarily) but it has helped me face things that I never thought I would. Thanks again.

 

@Limeaid welcome back! I missed you! I will look into buying that book tomorrow, thanks so much for checking in. I always love hearing from you. <3

 

Well, we had another great weekend. We ended up canceling the party we were going to have Saturday because too many people had to back out so we will try again in a couple weeks. We have been getting along so well lately and have been having incredible sex every day (sometimes more than once a day). He can't believe he use to choose his hand over this and I can't believe we used to go weeks at a time without any sexual contact.

We are refinishing some cabinets (to use as a cat feeding table) and they are looking great! We will finish them up tonight.

We are going on a family vacation this weekend with Haggis' family. I always get nervous when we are around his family (for no good reason) and we will be out of town with them all weekend. All is good though.

We are doing better than ever and that just makes me so happy to say!

 

Woo hoo! I made spaghetti for dinner (one of Haggis' favorites- although he has many) and we got the last coat on the cabinets- I will be posting a before and after picture tomorrow. We have showered and are both journaling. Our life is so different now. If you asked me 203 days ago if I thought this was possible, I'm afraid my answer would have been a big no. Well, past me, you were wrong.

We will probably spend the rest of the night relaxing together. I really couldn't be happier. Do I still have doubts, insecurities and moments of weakness? Yes I do but then I remind myself of how far we have come and they slowly dissipate. Haggis has been trying so hard and it has paid off. He is happier, I am happier and our future has never looked brighter.

As Haggis says, Stay the course. It is worth it (sorry baby, I stole your line)

 

@hope4future- I am so sorry for what you are faced with right now. This is a very difficult situation, I know. I know that you want to do this for him but this is his job to make things right. Rest assured, this has nothing to do with you. This is not because you aren't a good wife, this is not because you aren't pretty enough or don't have a nice enough body. This is not even because he prefers the porn women to you. This is because he has an addiction. This most likely started way before you started a relationship with each other. I used to bring this up to Haggis very frequently (for 8 years) but at the end stopped bringing it up. That is until the faithful day of January 21, 2015, a day I will never forget, I was on his computer ordering something and his latest "find" showed up on the screen. I was disgusted. It was filth an had gotten increasingly perverse. Here I was, a 26 (at the time) year old woman with so much to offer and I was being denied sex so he could hide in filth. Enough was enough. I think you are to this point. Give him the option- me or porn. If he chooses porn, get the hell out. You don't want to go through this forever- especially with a young child. However, if he pulls his head out of his ass, if you can find it in yourself, let him try to change. It is possible. We are here for you.

 

Thanks Uncle Eleven! Everything continues to go well. We had a great vacation, back to real life tomorrow. We are calling it an early night tonight because we both have a lot to get done tomorrow and I have to go out of town again this weekend to go to my nephews birthday party. I am incredibly nervous because this will be the first time since our big ordeal since I have left him home alone- it's gotta happen sometime though. I will update my journal tomorrow.

Stay strong everyone!

 

Man I'm having a rough time lately. I think a lot of it has to do with me going out of town this weekend but I really thought I would be stronger and able to handle it better than I am. I feel like a baby. After 112 days (yes, I still keep count) I thought the majority of these insecurities would be gone. I had a horrible time falling asleep last night and my mind was running in circles. I find myself worried about Haggis and myself and questioning how long he will be clean. I know this is horrible and not supportive at all. He is not doing anything to make me think this. He is very sweet and kind and understanding of my feelings. I guess recently he has been spending more time on his computer- that's the only think I can think of that may cause these feelings. I haven't wanted to get up with him in the morning and make his breakfast like I used to and I wake up feeling a bit depressed. By the end of the day, I am exhausted, lay in bed and just can't fall asleep. I hope all this gets better once I get home on Sunday.

 

This is quite possibly the worst day of my life- no exaggeration. I went out of town yesterday as planned, terrified to do it the whole time. Before I left, I noticed that Haggis' blocks were not working on his computer. He said he disabled it to look something up (nothing bad). I went out of town and accidentally revealed some stuff to my best friends husband about something that happened over a decade ago. They are now getting a divorce. I can't stop thinking about this. I have to start school back today and didn't sleep well at all last night knowing all this stuff. Then I go on Haggis' computer this morning to look at my school schedule and his blockers are down again. Everything is being amplified by 100% because of everything that happened with my best friend and the lack of sleep. I now find myself doubting all the progress that Haggis and I have made. I question whether he is being truthful with me and I don't know why. I am in tears, been vomiting all morning. I don't know what to do.

 

Buddha-

I wish I could sit down with them and make this right, unfortunately that is not an option. He has made up his mind. I feel 100% responsible for this and wish I could make it right but there is nothing I can do. It makes me sad to know that because of what I said, their marriage is over. Like I said, it happened over a decade ago. I won't go into detail because it could be a major trigger for some people but it involves me and her and one drunken night. This is absolutely unbelievable and feels like my world is coming to an end. I am terrified that because of what I said that our relationship will not be the same ever again. Thank you for your prayers. I really need them.

 

I have apologized to her and she says it isn't my fault, that she shouldn't hve kept this from him. Which I have mixed feelings about. They were not together 10 years ago when this happened. Neither of us were in relationships. The main thing that bothers me is that now I am smack dab in the middle of all this mess as is their son. It breaks my heart. I don't feel bad about what happened. As I said, it was a long time ago and I've gotten over it. I do not know if he can though. I'm about to leave for class and have to drive out of town for it. I am hoping to concentrate and absorb as much information as I can.