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feeling hopeful then crushed at the same time

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by hope4future, Aug 11, 2015.

  1. hope4future

    hope4future Fapstronaut

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    i am new here and posted my first post as a reply in "relationships" forum..
    I am in desperate need of help to know what to do with my marriage, my husband's addiction. I wrote the quick story out in the above mentioned forum.
    what i would like to add though is this: although I am definitely inspired by all of the success stories, i am petrified and near crushed by the brutally honest accounts of how hard this addiction is to beat. the daily grind of the brave people who are tackling this horrible problem. how you can't watch movies, do this, do that, how everything is a trigger. i don't even think my husband has admitted to himself that this is an addiction, let alone come to the point of realization that he could overcome it if he wanted to. so i feel hopeless toward change, meaningful change....if you have a chance please read my post in relationships and i am open to any and all suggestions and advice...thank you.
     
  2. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    Hope:

    Everyone is not the same. Yes, it's hard, but harder for some than others. But we often underestimate our own ability, and that of others, to keep to a resolve. Of course, it's your husband who has to make a decision to change.

    Also, while it's true that there are triggers and hazards, it does get better. The thing is, many of us don't want to be too breezy and presumptuous. Pride goeth before a fall, as the Scriptures say. Too true.
     
  3. hope4future

    hope4future Fapstronaut

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    Hi Septimus, again thank you for reaching out to me. The thing i keep wondering also is: what makes people want to change? if my misery and the quality of life we are lacking on a daily basis, the fighting, the arguments, the pain, if that isn't enough to make him want to change and see, then what is? I guess that's why i threaten the leaving, or having him leave, but that's pretty terrible on my part if I don't intend to follow through and it's just a cry for help. A lot of posts I see have the wives saying "hold his feet to the fire" so to speak, don't give up, accountability, etc., but in my case, it just seems to escalate matters and make everything worse. Our pattern historically is the big blow up, ME apologizing, and then him coming back around, things are "normal" for a short time, and then it starts again. The last one of these episodes was july 20 and he only "came back around" because I said he could do whatever he wanted and I would stick my head in the sand for the sake of our child.

    pride goeth before a fall.
     
  4. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    If things are as miserable as you say, then why wouldn't you intend to follow through on your threat to leave him? For the sake of your child? You really think being around him when he's like this is a benefit to anyone?

    You don't like the pattern you've been in. So, why don't you change it? There's a big blow up? Fine. Sounds like there should be. You apologize? Why? And for what? Next time, don't. Tell him he needs to clean up his act or clean out his closet.

    If you keep telling him he can do whatever he wants and you'll stay anyway, guess what? He'll keep doing whatever he wants and nothing will change.
     
  5. hope4future

    hope4future Fapstronaut

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    you are EXACTLY right. exactly right.
     
  6. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I am. Are you prepared to take a stand?
     
  7. hope4future

    hope4future Fapstronaut

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    yes. i am. i can't do this anymore, i can't take it anymore. when i think of how long it will potentially take to be out of the way i feel, i have to start today.
     
  8. DanVT

    DanVT Fapstronaut

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    This may sound cruel, but maybe he needs to understand that this will effect not only you, but his daughter. I don't want it to make you feel any less important, but let him know this is not something that you want for her. That the way he is living his life is not something you want to expose your family to. If he has to pick porn or his family, I am almost 90% sure he will choose his family.

    And remember, this is an addiction, like alcoholics or crack-heads. He will deny it, he will fight it, he might even fake a recovery, but when he makes it past that first week, he will look back at the destruction he has caused, and hopefully never look back to that life ever again.
     

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