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I have a question for a married guy

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Sadwife, May 19, 2021.

  1. Beekind

    Beekind Fapstronaut

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    If he is not connecting with you spiritually and physically, it means he is still releasing.
     
  2. thegeneral

    thegeneral Fapstronaut

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    HA you would be surprised woman! I started a NoFap movement at my university. I myself have stayed clean. Bunch of guys joined. We are rising strong. Pornhub is getting hit with the lawsuits. We are winning slowly but surely! Believe in us, conventionally masculine men are becoming a thing again. Have hope!
     
    Loyalwife likes this.
  3. Sadwife

    Sadwife Fapstronaut
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    can you be more specific please?
     
    Beekind likes this.
  4. Sadwife

    Sadwife Fapstronaut
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    Your words give me some peace because I have a son and I don’t want him to fall into this. Hurting his mind and soul or getting married and make his wife so miserable as I was, and not having a wife as naive and stupid like me, who will leave him, or getting hurt because the wife would have an affair, because that passed through my mind so many times. And the worst, turning into the ilegal pornography and it is just not wrong but the hurt that causes to other people indirectly. If my husband doesn’t change I will have to leave him. Knowing that are real men out there gives me comfort. I truthfully believe this problem is a cancer for our society. Thank you for everything you are doing for making this world better.
     
  5. thegeneral

    thegeneral Fapstronaut

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    Don't call yourself stupid, stupid. You know the amount of men and women who feel just like that? Its not stupidity or naivety, it's innocence. Porn destroys that innocence, which is why betrayal makes you feel like an idiot. Shit happens for a reason. It's a man's nature to overcome, so we will never truly be slaves. It's just our nature to fight and compete.

    Testosterone, baby.


    Oh and educate your son about porn before society educates him for you. That would be a disaster.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2021
    Loyalwife and Sadwife like this.
  6. Sadwife

    Sadwife Fapstronaut
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    Thanks. I understand now. Well, not sure if he is just M, or it’s in a flatline. He is little bit more affectionate than before, but not much. Since I met him, is being kind of cold. I know he cannot be in a flatline forever. I think he still M, just not using porn. It’s difficult to know. I’m just so tired of this lonely life.


     
    Beekind likes this.
  7. Beekind

    Beekind Fapstronaut

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    Be happy anyway.
    If he is not the one , a happy one will show up.
     
    Sadwife likes this.
  8. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    My husband is 52 and when clean it is atleast once a week and sometimes a chaser after. Because of how he is sexually we separated. I am sorry, no sexlife is the worst in a relationship. That was the one thing I never thought I would divorce over, at first I was happy with breadcrumbs but then I wanted more out of my sexual experiencesk hence he is not capable of.
     
    Sadwife likes this.
  9. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Just a add, before Dday the rule was no sex no marriage! Hence ED, PIED which was worse than no sex!
     
    Sadwife likes this.
  10. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Your a better women than me, 2x in 5 years, I would have flipped Out!
     
  11. Sadwife

    Sadwife Fapstronaut
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    thank you, I know everyone is different but this is a reference. He doesn’t have the excuse of being old (50) and not wanting sex. Exactly the same happened to me. First the “the sex is not everything” was my excuse to continue in the relationship. Now, I’m in a step out.
     
  12. Sadwife

    Sadwife Fapstronaut
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    It’s just because the kids. He is a very good father and nice guy. We don’t have any other problems, except for that. And the only one suffering is me. He helps me with everything, he even cooks. But what a lonely life. I don’t want to deal with other guy with worse problems. How long have you been divorced? Do you have small kids?
     
    Lilla_My likes this.
  13. used19

    used19 Fapstronaut

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    I just want to relate here some. It is so, so hard when you, and I, the wife, are the only ones really bearing the lasting pain. It is incredibly difficult to pull the selfish trigger, unlike how our addicts husbands did without thought or care, to make a choice, a decision that takes us out of pain, but then puts them to suffering. We have already, as mothers, gone through the experience of denying our own pain, denying our own suffering while laboring to birth a child, that we can say ok, is this worth it to the kids, to the family to say my pain is so great that I'm done, this family is done. Instead, we retreat and take some more.
     
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  14. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    Browsing through your posts, I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you can work with your husband to find some peace in the relationship. Browsing through the responses from other PAs, I haven't seen much that resonates with me.

    You gave him an ultimatum and he responded. That's great. That means he still values you and the relationship. You searched out and sent him a lot of reading material, and he at least looked at some of it. That's great, it means he's invested in you, and has some things to think about. He says he's working on it, and you've noticed a slight increase in his affection but not much. He does not want to talk about it. He does not want to go to therapy about it. That's a red flag.

    I do not know exactly what is going on with him. There could be all kinds of things, so you have to talk to him about it to get the truth, and it's going to be hard because he'll be resistant to talking about it. There's shame in admitting he was wrong and that he hurt you, there's shame in personal weakness if he has to admit he didn't take care of it on his own. In addiction, there is a strong subconscious desire to preserve the addiction, so it will be tough to get through. It's not fair. You didn't make this mess, you shouldn't have to do all the work to clean it up. But if it is going to get cleaned up, you are going to have to do some work.
    It looks to me as if he became aware of his problem and is trying to fix it on his own, and he has reduced his use but hasn't been able to beat the habit.

    I recommend you talk to him again. Tell him you love him and are willing to fight for the relationship, but you are NOT willing to continue in your current state. You have reasonable needs that are not being met, and they need to start getting met or the relationship cannot continue. Tell him he has been more attentive since he told you he stopped P, but not enough. Most PAs have no idea how powerfully their abuse affects their normal interactions, so letting him know you saw a difference might show him. If he has reduced but still uses, as I suspect, what you say will match with his experience and it may help him understand. Finally, he needs to offer some indication to you that he's not using P anymore, and is putting in substantial effort to repair his relationship. Therapy of some sort, whether it's himself with an addiction expert, or in couples, would be a tremendous step. If he won't do that then at least more open conversation about how often he was abusing P, and how much he's struggling to manage it now, and the steps he's taking to manage it, is something.

    Keep in mind, I am not a mental health or addiction expert. I am just a PA who still struggles substantially with my addiction, so my advice could be way off. @GhostWriter is an expert, he may be able to provide better support. I just know the narrative and actions you report are extremely similar to things I have heard on this site and experienced from the addict's position, and it seems to me there is a high possibility that he's making an effort but is still abusing P.

    Best of luck, and I really do hope you can make some progress toward healing.
     
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