Lifelong struggle with feelings of loneliness

Hello everyone,

I've struggled with feeling lonely for most of my life. I grew up bi-racial in a majority white suburban town and was always very small/skinny and uncoordinated/terrible at sports. I felt unfit for the cool/popular kids and connected with other "losers" who played video games and had other "nerdy" interests. Certain people gravitated towards me because they shared one of my two racial backgrounds, though once they found that I don't share their culture/language/religion (I'm born/raised American from immigrants), they usually faded away. Growing up I just thought it would just be a phase and that things would get better when I was a successful adult. Of course during these lonely years I entertained myself with PMO and video games.

Fast forward to now and I'm 32 years old and finished graduate school, found a decent job working from home, and live with my gf of 4 years. I found a couple friend groups in college, but had a falling out with some and now live on the other side of the country. I have maybe 3-5 friends I've been in touch with for many years, but we basically chat on the phone for a couple hours every few years to catch up. I'm looking for people to regularly hang out and do things with, but I have pretty weak social skills and end up spending all my time with my gf, especially during this pandemic.

I have a recurring problem when trying to connect with men because when the conversation turns to sports (which happens infuriatingly often), if often drags on seemingly forever and I have no idea what they are talking about. People seem overly interested in me at first blush due to my racial background, but sometimes it feels like the conversation always go the same way and they lose interest once that novelty is sufficiently explored. I may be able to make a good impression and trade contact info, but I don't know how to follow-up without it seeming like a "man date" or something. I am looking to build/join a friend GROUP of maybe 4-8 people, but when I go to meetups/hikes/social events I often get anxious and spend most of my time with the "low value" people that cling to me since I'm so "nice and friendly" and can't seem to truly connect with the "high value" people I am looking for.

I thought I'd escape these feelings with a girlfriend, but now she is making friends in this new town we moved to last year and my only friends are really her friends. She is 100% of my social life and I feel dependent on her. Before I met her I spent 4 years alone (essentially an incel), so I get down on myself when I remember how bad I was at making friends alone, and how bad I am now as part of a couple. I'm trying to find some hobbies and work on myself, but all I've got right now are solo things: gardening, reading, yoga, gym, meditation, video games, and cooking.

Anyway, I was feeling lonely and was going to PMO and fail another attempt at going for 7 days clean but figured I'd come here and write something instead...

 

Hey there

In regards to "low/high value" people, I suppose it's an assessment of both them and myself, since I currently consider myself relatively low value, though with an active dream to someday become somewhat high value. It's a pretty subjective assessment, but I think I can break down how I determine it.

High value people will turn heads (in a good way), garner compliments, and have people approach them (or strongly desire to) often in social situations. They know how to hold people's interest, keep the conversation flowing and end it on a good note, welcome people with their facial and body language (if they want), and are generally aware of things going on around them. If they go to a nightclub, they will get invited to skip the line and get invited to a free VIP table. Usually these people end up wealthy and earn serious job titles or build successful businesses, but that's a bonus and not a requirement for a high value person. They are often physically fit, coordinated/good at most sports, and able to dance in an aesthetically pleasing way. If they have social media, they gather huge numbers of followers and engagement in their posts. They really excel at their hobbies, maybe even winning some big competitions. They often have to turn down invites to parties, dinners, dates, and other group activities because they have so many and are free to choose from the best options. I don't know too many people that can do all of these things at once of course, but a high value person will excel in a pleasing mixture of these skills. I suppose someone who excelled in all of these things at once would become easily become a celebrity of some sort.

Since I display a lot of low-value qualities (and these people are very socially perceptive) I know that if I approached them looking for friendship, I'd quickly get tossed in the bucket of people looking to be in their orbit instead of the short list of people whose orbit they themselves are seeking to get into. Too oversimplify things a bit, a high value person would be a "9," seeking to hang out with other 9's an 10's, but always swarmed by annoying 1 through 6's. I suppose I'm in my own boat, being a "7" (but growing up a "2") swarmed by 1-5's. I suppose I'd be happy to find other 6-8's, but usually what happens is I find one and then have the option of either inserting myself into their friend group (which I've done with mixed results) or attempting to find a few more and putting them altogether (never had anything like success with this).

I suppose I'm frustrated that there are people who have lived their whole lives getting invited to parties and having great group experiences/memories, while mine is full of memories like crying because 1 out of 16 people actually showing up to my 16th birthday party. Or all the weekends spent alone in my room jerking off without anyone texting me (or maybe someone I liked ignoring my text) instead of going out or doing anything at all. Or going out alone and coming back home alone after a regrettable social performance. Or seeing my "friends" get married on FB and not getting invited to the wedding (been invited to 2 in my life).

One of my goals in coming here is to reduce time spent on PMO and drive it into developing high-value skills, but I think the process is going to take maybe 5-10 years before I see results, and in the meantime I'm overwhelmed by loneliness and tempted to give up an PMO as I've always done..

 

Wow that quote really summed things up eloquently! I think I used to try and content myself with with my few low-value friends, but often found myself frustrated by their low-value qualities (socially inept, unattractive, boring, "asperger-y", smelly, unintelligent) that I'm trying to distance myself from. I simultaneously want to be with high-value people and be a high-value person, but am frustrated by the low-value person that I actually am. Feels similar to the catch-22 of finding employment without having any work experience, with the solution being a high-value person "taking me under their wing" which I would be eternally grateful for.

 

Hi Ekhangel, I bet we'd have a great time hanging out and I'd probably consider you high-value But yes the rub is finding someone like you, in my area, and having serendipitous social interaction to get everything started. Also, the person you described sound more like a "poser" with a high-value facade, who maybe took out loans to get flashy things and care deeply about getting lots of social media followers/likes. I've seen this type before and after a few minutes of conversation I can see through it and it's not what I'm looking for either. Some people are just beautiful, popular, rich, and successful while also genuine and humble, and that's who I'd like to be and be with.

 

That's pretty much it though, I'm sick and tired of being me. I hate it and want to be someone else, or a substantially better version of myself.

Yes, I think my value system is just a "social" value measurement, and not a "human" value measurement. Of course the "perfect" person would have both, but given my current struggles with loneliness, I'm currently more interested in the social value of people. A socially valuable person as a friend can provide "social proof" and help me connect with other socially valuable people who I could spend time with on a regular basis rather than spending it home alone with porn. A person with incredible "human" value but no social value will feel great to connect with for a few hours, but ultimately it's a social dead end that leaves me with plenty of time to come home, feel lonely, and PMO as usual.

I grew up with this mindset, and in fact idolized Albert Einstein as a child. I accepted my loneliness and looked down on the "cool kids" with the belief that someday my genius would be recognized just like Einstein. Now imagine Einstein with 10% less intelligence, still a genius but without the world-changing breakthrough discoveries. Maybe he got published in a prestigious journal, but no newspaper front cover pictures or anything like that. If we met, we'd probably hit it off and he could become one of those friends that I chat with every few years just to see how everything is going. But ultimately yes, I'd consider him (the non-famous version) to be a "low social value" person much like myself. No one is blowing up our phones wondering if we're free for this or that, and if we throw a party we'd be lucky to get 5 people to actually show up. As far as Paris Hilton goes, I'm not looking to be or to be with someone literally famous, just someone "socially desirable." She's also a bit extreme in her low "human" value so I'd probably be turned off despite her high "social" value.

I lived much of my life until recently devoted to the former concept, looking to develop myself as a person (Knowledge/intelligence, Kindness/friendliness, integrity, reliability, trustworthiness, etc.) with the hopes of one day being recognized for who I am among a tribe of like-minded individuals. Now that I'm a bit older and have given up hope of impacting the world like Einstein, I find myself desperate for change because what I've been doing isn't taking me where I want to go. I'm just another regular guy with a regular job and a regular home, looking to experience the excitement and happiness of life that certain other people seem to have. I know it's a "grass is always greener" situation but sometimes it feels like my grass is completely dry and brown and I feel compelled to do something different to green it up a bit.

Let me tell a story about one guy I know with incredibly green grass. His name is Steve and I used to tutor him on a regular basis in college. He's tall, handsome, muscular, and played soccer and lacrosse. He wasn't an idiot by any means, but came to me to help get his grades to A's in a couple classes. I enjoyed working with him, he had a great sense of humor, and he was fun to be around. I wasn't the only one who felt this way though. Seemingly everyone not only knew him, but would be EXCITED to the point of jubilation when they saw him! After a few sessions in the library, dining halls, and common areas, his popularity was becoming problematic. They would yell his name from across the room and interrupt us, and he'd have trouble getting them to leave us alone to study. Other athletes, highly attractive girls, classmates, alone or in groups, they all seemed pulled towards him like a magnet. We ended up moving our sessions into my dorm room, though I still remember his phone always vibrating with texts. I saw him at a couple parties surrounded by people, and like the low-value person I am I would approach him to say hello. He'd smile and shake my hand but quickly turn his attention to one of the other people eager to be with him. He clearly saw me as a pleasant person and respected me for my intelligence and tutoring, but not worthy of his time in a social setting with more socially desirable people, and also not worthy of being introducing to others as his friend.

I'm not saying Steve is a perfect person with a perfect life of happiness, but his social experience so severely contrasted my own that it highlighted how bad mine was. I remember once feeling lonely on a beautiful spring day, so I decided to get out of my room and walk around campus. I didn't wear headphones, held my head up, and was determined to smile and say hello to people that looked my way. After a couple laps I came home having not spoken to anyone and feeling more lonely than before I had set out. On other days I'd feel lonely in my dorm and go to a public area to study/read, only to feel just as lonely in that space until it was time to go back home. While Steve seemed to be a people-magnet, I felt like a magnet with reversed polarity. I accepted this fact in high school, was frustrated by it in college, and am now tormented by it as an adult. All throughout, I would cope with these frustrations by turning to PMO, but now that I'm quitting (so far unsuccessfully), I'm confronted again with my loneliness. I was never popular growing up, but it hurts so much to think I'll just never be popular ever. People might say popularity isn't all it's cracked up to be, but having never tasted it I have some serious FOMO going on. Meditation/affirmations seem to help while I'm doing them, but my feelings of loneliness seem to come back within 5 minutes after I'm done.