The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Not sure where I am at for days. That’s deadly. I have been doing a lot of golfing. I am hooked by it. Is this what it will take? Something healthy that consumes me? I don’t even care about pmo. I only care about golf right now. Is forming healthy habits really the answer? I am forming bonds with people at work because of my passion for golf. It gets me outside. It is physical activity. It is a fun game. This makes me hopeful. In the next couple years I am going to study music. I am more creative than athletic. Is this passion of golf a small for taste of an infatuation with singing? I am a bit hesitant with music. I have great memories of golfing with my dad. It seamed that my gift of music was kind of pushed away. Was it? Or was it my rigid family? YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE YOIR PIANO EVERY DAY. But it was never enforced. I was never given an explanation that practice should be enjoyable. There was so much weight added to practice that it was too heavy. My consistent golf practice has not come from a place of weight but a place of lightness and ease. Same with when I learned guitar. It was not a heavy place of “You must do this” but a place of excitement. I had bad role models. It’s ok. It is never too late.

I have a memory of my mom being very harshly saying “ Never show off” I think I misunderstood. I took that to mean never do good. Don’t outdo other people. With singing I hold back. With golfing I do good for the first few holes. Then I start self sabotaging. Then I do really good on the last one because I need to pull it together. I noticed the same with singing. I don’t want to do to good because I feel I will look like a jerk. I come from a family of mediocre failures. They don’t believe in themselves. Same message I got. Don’t get too good. You don’t belong there. You are a low life.

Screw that. I will become good at stuff. Not to prove my worth but because it is more fun being better at things! (This is a brand new thought) Being good at something is not about proving worth. It is about enjoyment. What a revelation!

porn only holds me back from this. God please deliver me from pmo.

 

Hello, Fellowship. I didn't post here yesterday because I was too ashamed to report another relapse. Now I'm clean for one day, so I've made it past my Nazgul period and ready to be an Orc again. Sigh. It's a tough road.

Question for anyone who knows: what's a p-sub? I've heard many people talk about them, but I don't understand the concept, and I'm hesitant to Google it outright for obvious reasons.

 

Day 5 check-in - The Dark Fortress, Barad-dûr

 

From the Recovery Terminology page:

PSUB: Also known as P-SUBs, or porn substitutes, are considered undesirable replacements to using pornography. Examples might include excessive use of dating websites, looking at clothed images of models, or even cruising social media websites for pictures. The intention is what matters the most. Using these things are great in many contexts, but many of our users prefer to avoid the “pornification” of seemingly non-pornographic material.

Sorry to hear about the relapse. Feeling shame is natural and maybe even good (because it serves as a signal for when we're doing the wrong thing), but then we must get our mind back in the game and it seems like you're up for that.

 

12 days. The focus of yesterday was on socialising, and I spent time with friends outside in the park from 3 pm to midnight. We had a great time but there was also alcohol there and I probably let myself a little bit too loose which has resulted in a hangover. As we all know, alcohol can mess with your brain and makes you loose discipline and willpower, so I need to be extra careful today.

 

Today's morning was hard as hell, plenty of strong urges for lust, aggressiveness and damn recklessness...had a dream about driving with brakes gone in a hard to stop fast traffic...
Watched a brilliant speech of Russell Brandt about the effects of CV19 passports on society:

 

Day 111 no PMO. 111 days seems like such a long time to me but coming here every morning to read your posts almost makes it easy. Thanks for posting and keep up the good work.

 

Day 43.

 

334 days dwarf king
409 days no PMO, semen retention

 

Happy sunday everyone

 

Forgot to check in yesterday, but I'm still moving forward. Checking in Day 22.

 

day 32 i feel more strong against the pmo , this time i will finish what i started.

 

Nice work mate! That's how you do it.

 

Stand up and move forward my friend, write down what you were going through and analyze what part of it was the trigger. Set up a game plan to overcome that next time it shows up. You've learned about a new trigger. Just do not binge!

 

Checking in fellowship friends!

Free of porn 215 days and free of MO 143 days.

Good day so far, even though my sleep was a bit off! Crushed a workout, meditated and did some chores. Still about 10 hours left of the day, I'm going to spend some time outside, meditate some more, read and take it easy later.

No relapses this weekend guys, stay strong!