42 - new, can't stop

You keep getting up and dusting yourself down. If you have to do it ten thousand times, then you do it ten thousand times.

I know that sounds really demoralising, but what else are you going to do?

Seriously...

It's all any of us can do...

Just get up and keep going on and on.

And if you get beaten back by ignorant people, then you gotta keep getting back up even more than before.

This is the Law of PMO

I don't mean to be unkind, or ruthless, but this is this the reality of this unkind life that you/we choose to live until you/we choose otherwise...

 

Welcome friend. 39 (will be 40 this Sept) and have been addicted to PMO since grade school. So yeah, this addiction has been my whole life. I’ve been attempting NF for the past 2 years and could never reach 90 days. So, needless to say, I’ve relapsed countless times. But despite those many failures, I’ve never given up and am still pursuing NF. My goal is to go on a streak for 365 days and then make this my lifestyle going forward. It’s a big goal, but I believe I can do it. I recently relapsed last weekend and I’m now back on Day 2. Each time I learn something a little bit different.

This time I decided to journal my NF journey on here and let others see and keep me accountable on what I’m experiencing. There’s a journaling forum here for 40+ people, and that’s where I started my reboot journal. Feel free to look at mine. I highly suggest you try it out, too. It is helping me. Like right now I’m having a hard time falling asleep - one of the many consequences of being addicted to PMO. But instead of browsing through social media or other sites that could tempt me to peek and fall into PMO again, I’m now finding myself here and updating my journal and reading other people’s struggles and recovery. I find it helps me a lot to stay focused on NF; and it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this struggle and can talk about it with people like yourself. Just don’t give up, friend. I’ve been trying to master this myself for the past two years. I know the frustration and disappointment you’re feeling. You’re not alone. Just get back up every time you fall.

 

Welcome to the forum.

Make sure you read the basics; it's easy to miss (I did when I first joined a few months ago). Porn Addiction Basics is the first stop, then The Basics of Rebooting is a must-read. Don't miss the section on Community, that is the most valuable advice - get involved in the lives of others, yes as In Real Life. I wrote the following a few months ago, and reading it now it still is true today.

IIRC that was about two months ago: since then the habits are truly taking hold; the urges have declined considerably. I am not deceiving myself, fully aware that I can relapse today, and I do take one day at a time. But there have been so many realized benefits to-date I do NOT want to go back. (For one example, my spouse asked me only last night, "where are we going for our next 30-day celebration trip?" to which I answered "it's a secret, I'll let you know when you need to know")

If you need any more convincing you need an AP as well as others (a counselor, disclosure to an SO, a sponsor, a church leader etc.) here's another quote I've saved.

Wish you the best.

 

You have not provided some key information: the answer to "Why do I want to stop using pornography?". Someone (I just looked it up, it was Nietszche) said this: "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." What is your Why?

For me it started with the very real threat of divorce (see 'My Journal' for details) from my spouse of 20+ years, but it did not stop there. If it did, I would have relapsed for sure after about three or four weeks, when she saw the progress I was making, and things 'settled down'. I could have gone right back into the secrecy, and as you put it, the unbearable pain and shame, of using porn. The 'why' for me then changed, of many reasons 'why' for me, the main one is this: to become an improved, integrated and honest LuckyDog. I've been running an eight-cylinder car on five or six cylinders for 47 years, and after less than a few months the change in me has been noticeable.

Of course today I could relapse. It would take quite a bit of effort; there's plenty of 'friction' I've put into place to prevent that: to get around the CovenantEyes app, I would have to buy an unprotected device, or masturbate to a device of a close family member which frankly would be really hard to do. Or risk removing it from a phone or computer, alerting my AP, who would text me asking me what is going on, and when I would ignore it would likely just call me. Could I send that phone call to voicemail? Perhaps, I don't know. Or I could go out and buy a porn magazine from a news-stand (if they still exist, thinking about it I am not aware of any venue that sells porn magazines anymore, heck in my area I don't know any 'adult bookstores' like in my hometown), or I could try to buy an 'adult DVD' online. But it would take at least a day to arrive. Etc. (Sorry for that tangent, I haven't even thought about what it would take until just now.)

Why do I spend precious minutes and hours writing all this out? Oh just to help fellow addicts who want to escape the baffling and powerful forces that bind us to this addiction. There is SO MUCH MORE behind this addiction that is not entirely biological (on one extreme we're just a complicated box whose levers of dopamine and seratonin are being pulled and pushed), and not entirely spiritual (on the other extreme we're just a complicated box that needs to be turned over to Jesus to be put into control and that's the end of our troubles). It is mainly in our soul, in our personality, in our feelings, in our emotional state.

Take one day at a time. Look into PAA and call into one of their meetings. All the best to you.

 

Sure you will quit it. If you are looking for help here, it’s just matter of time.

 

You can do it! There are plenty of guys in their forties here who have had success. Good luck!

How is your fitness? Working out and eating well go hand in hand with NoFap. You'll get some of that energy out and start feeling much better about yourself.

I also recommend going to the Accountability Partners section of the forum and finding one or more guys who can support you. You will gain a lot from helping them too.

 

Welcome to NoFap! Good luck on the journey