Not attracted to him anymore!

The difference is that the PA is not suffering from trauma. The addict, while having a hard fight to be free of dopamine addiction, has his world opened to benefits. For him the fog lifts. Things improve. Life gets better.

But trauma is a really tricky beast. It does it against your will, and it pervades every facet. It's a dismal fog that settles in and won't clear. Like mothering has nothing to do with what our husbands did, but the trauma goes there too. Suddenly your kids lying about crap sends your head spinning just like when a war veteran hears chopper sounds. Or you say dammit I'm just going to go out, enjoy a coffee, trauma be damned, and then in walks some woman who's the kind your husband watched in porn. You tell yourself be strong, your brain has other plans. It is so complicated because it is trauma and the damage caused to your primary attachment is severe. Might be easy to overcome if you're just dating or newly married, but it's a lot harder to do when you've been with the same man for 21 years and have several kids. It's different when the plan was to build a life together and you made choices to build a mutual happiness. It's different when your outlook on life includes connection to other people. Trauma takes past, present and future and smashes them all together. It's like waking up in a new life that you don't know, as if you have amnesia. It is so so tricky. Yeah there comes a point where you have to move on - commit or call it quits. But to get to that point we have to go down in the trenches and do all this emotional work to get power over the trauma. Otherwise it will follow us even if we left our husbands.

 

Yes, I understand it. I've done a lot of reading and studying on primary attachment, out of personal interest. But ultimately, you can be a slave or you can be free, the same choice the addicted people have. I was in the same position as you, trying to understand why I was hurting so much, why my own brain was working against me. This was something totally different than porn addiction, it was something else entirely. I spent a lot of time reading about it until I realized that I had to let go of all this psychological jargon because it was confusing me even more. I was intellectualizing my problems. I was thinking about it too much, and it was holding me back. I made the effort to stop putting so much thought into it. I actually caught myself slipping into the thought loops of anxiety, and I told myself to stop and carry onwards. Don't allow yourself to be pulled in by anxious triggers. Feel them pulling you, and resist it. Laugh that shit off. You see a hot girl that looks like a pornstar he watches, laugh at it and tell yourself it has no power over you, because it really doesn't. That's just another woman God put into this world. Actually push yourself to stop thinking in overdrive. Your brain will eventually rewire. I know it, because that's how I did it. I laughed in the face of my problems, and they lost their power over me. I smiled when I felt lust, realizing what it was, and porn lost its power over me. That was the first thing I realized. Don't get pulled in by it, just like how the addict has to fight the pull of porn. Stand up, dust off, and move forwards.

Sometimes you have to suffer to be better. I had to a lot to rewire, and so did pretty much everyone on this site. Get the therapy, do the work and free yourself from trauma, because you can. I read that betrayal trauma is a form of PTSD. That is beyond fucked up, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. It will probably take a lot of work and a lot of pain, which is necessary to improve. But the time has come. As Jesus said, the hour is at hand. Fuck porn, fuck this addiction, fuck all this bullshit, just fuck it all. The time has come to rise above it. You can and you WILL beat it in due time, just as so many people have. Fight against it tooth and nail, woman. Hold your fucking ground and I promise you will rise.

 

You have it down.

 

OMG, this thread has really taken off and there is so much that I want to respond to! I wish I had an hour or more to really read and respond to all these great post. Thank you all for keeping this thread going and for all that you have shared!

Thank you for this. I am really tempted to masturbate right now and reading this helps me to stay on track. I know from experience that abstinence from that activity really makes a difference and I want to be one of those "rare men"!

And THIS!! This is what I need to hear, not just right now, but over and over again. There's a reason why terms like "jerk off" and "wanker" are not terms to aspire to!

 

If every woman in the world understood this and internalized it, the world would change overnight. Instead of this endless limping along.

 

Man, fuck the porn industry. So much emotional destruction caused by it. It's so goddamn simple. Marcus Aurelius once said that we need to be able to see things for what they really are, not what we perceive them to be. Once more people see how foolish porn really is, this world will change so much. So many problems will begin to heal themselves.

 

Yeah I see that too he is more like he used to be just not as loving & open with me still,
expressing my feelings causes anger cos he's too EMBARRASSED,only that I knew cos he carried on for ages,only stopped cos I kept finding out,I was already feeling insecure if he still loves me & iam enough for him then he's recently reconnected with his family which his good,he's clearly feeling better & stronger & tried to plan a boys holiday with his brother n nephews,all I could is think is all the hot girls in bikinis & why wouldn't u wana go with me,I got upset he replied "how could I take u when you act like this,then ill just leave ya" so seems now he's stronger he's thinking he can leave easier now! Thanks I've stood by all hurt of your betrayal & disgusting things you shouldn't of watched cos I believed it wasn't you! He was just waiting to feel better,he doesn't even understand its cos he hasn't watched porn for months,he would if I wasn't here though,maybe I should leave and let him fuck his own brain up,care more about myself as I seem unable too

 

This was powerful,made me cry because its so true thank you for sharing this

 

I don't think it's the women causing this world to limp along. I'd put my money on the mostly men obsessed with porn. Women often end up a little too busy being the bearers of life and putting up with all the objectification thrown at them.

I agree with thegeneral that the ramifications in our society from porn are widespread but no one wants to see it. Look at how many men on here have been able to recognize the anger and irritability it causes in them. Or how they end up treating their partners when they are using. Imagine how much more functional and responsive everyone would be.

 

Listen, don't let the anger get to you. That is a big, dumb mistake. His temper comes most likely comes from one thing. If he has been abstaining, one of the withdrawal symptoms is a short fuse. That is actually a good sign. Don't let it get to you. I don't think it is embarrassment, it's his angry brain looking for dopamine, but not getting any. It is also his lowered empathy due to the addiction. Trust me, it is normal. Tell him to stick to it. His short fuse will eventually go away. Read my posts above too. Fuck those other women. Let them wear their bikinis and look hot. God is with us, so what should we fear? Believe in yourself first. Stop letting it get to you. Push that silly nonsense out of your mind. Do not give your power away. Don't be a slave to your insecurity. Refuse to let that bullshit into your psyche. You are above it.

It is also really good for him to spend time with other men.

 

Thank you for saying this I wish my partner would see this

 

That was the reaction I was hoping for, so good. I want every man, woman, and child to realize their full potential. Don't let other people and stupid bullshit like porn steal that from you.

 

It's not that women are dragging us down. Both sexes have their issues. What @RUNDMC means is that if more women realized that their potential was beyond just what men think of them, what their boyfriends/husbands think of them, the world would be better. And it would be better, because there would be a lot less insecure, needy, desperate, lonely women as a result.

 

To be honest his embarrassment was very obvious when I first found it I've never seen him shake so much he was pale n trembling,anytime I've mentioned it he says its embarrassing,I think cos he's 44 and started watching Internet porn around 38/39,had only seen old style porn magazines etc (different generation,but better i think) plus he watching family porn & teenagers & it doesn't seem like him at all,so I genuinely do think he's embarrassed but he's always used anger to stop any conversation he'd like to avoid its his way,but it makes it so much harder for me cos he won't honestly answer my questions,like why did u suddenly start watching porn after 13/14 yrs,why ws u on date to fuck sites,did u just get bored of me & who was the girl outside that clearly knew you? Off a fuck site probably,its hard not to take it personally when u feel he stopped loving you and been attracted to you so just found women online to wank too instead,I've never felt so heart broken feels worse than if he'd just slept with someone,caused way more damage,but yeah we can't speak about his recovery or Ed I know way more about it than he does now cos I've researched enough

 

I'm going to give you some cold hard advice, that I would have given to my guy friends if they were in the same situation as you. You are not in control of his behavior, so please, tell me why you worry so much? Why are you ALLOWING it to trouble you? I am not downplaying your problem, but here's the thing. If this guy is going to cheat or watch porn, or get ED, then he will do it. You can keep on worrying about it and RUIN your mental health, or you can begin to find happiness without him being a part of it. Yes, it sounds cold, because it is. Your own emotions are toying with you. At this point, unless you chain the man down to the floor, you can't stop him from doing what he does. All you can do is distance yourself emotionally from his behavior. You have to. Or your heart will keep on breaking until there is nothing left to break, and I don't want to know what comes after that.

Go out, do fun stuff without him. Hang out with your friends. Do stuff you enjoy. Can you believe that this is the advice told to men when their girlfriends act like shit, but women are not told the same thing? Let him watch his incest, pedophile porn, you go out and enjoy your goddamn life. Eventually, you will rise above it, and trust me, that is where you want to be. Break out of the insecure cycle. It is not natural for a human being to be insecure and always worrying.

 

I agree with this.

There's all sorts of theories in quantum mechanics, but one of the more relevant ones was the discovery that every single sensation we feel comes from inside ourselves. Nothing is external. Not the wind on your skin, not the colors of the flowers, and not the feelings we get in response to things. It is all internal.
If you apply this to porn addiction, and this was something my husband had to sit with for awhile because it really blew him away, every feeling of lust he experiences is all internal. No one is giving him those feelings, they are all in his head. He is basically creating a lust-filled scenario with...himself. and only himself.

The realization that everything is internal is one thing. The separation of it is a bit more difficult to do, especially with someone you're married to. Meditation helped me a lot with being able to "take back my power of my own emotions" aka, realizing everything I felt was internal. This is why my husband is able to sit here and talk to me about his troubles with women, and I'm able to listen and help him to find root causes for this or that. I dont get angry, defensive, insecure, or whatever because I dont allow him that power over me anymore. I'm not there 100 percent just yet because things he does deliberately can still hurt me for awhile, but I'm working on it. I've already drawn the line in the sand with the ultimate boundary being, if he chooses to watch porn, that is his choice to make. I'm not preventing him from doing it, it is not my life nor my decision to make. However, I dont want my kids to grow up around the negative effects that it brings, so our marriage is over should he choose to go that way.

This is also difficult when your husband is angry or prone to anger because it can ripple through the entire home, and if you have kids, it can impact them as well. Ive given some tough love to my husband in his bouts of anger where I've basically told him that he can choose to be angry if he wants, but he has no right to take it out on anyone around him. He can go be angry by himself somewhere else. It took me a long time to get to that point, but I'm there. If he doesn't want to talk it out or try and fix it, he can go sit somewhere away from others and be angry all he wants.

He can sit there and be angry at me all he wants, I dont really care. It isnt going to effect me. I will still do what needs to be done and carry on with life.

 

Napoleon Hill talked about this in Think and Grow Rich. He called them "thought-impulses". They can be negative or positive, depending on how well your subconscious mind is able to filter them.

This is exactly what I am talking about. This is what being stoic means.