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Bisexual or HOCD? Quite complicated

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by santeria13, Aug 6, 2015.

  1. santeria13

    santeria13 Fapstronaut

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    Hi all,

    I am currently 14 days into my reboot, and have been experiencing very intense same sex fantasies which can be really hard to resist. Until 2 or 3 days ago, I was in flatline and had no sexual thoughts or urge to MO at all and it was thus easy to make it until then. Whilst browsing the internet however, I stumbled upon some bisexual/gay talk and couldn't help but get quite aroused. It may be important to note since the reboot, and for quite some time before the reboot, I find it very hard or near impossible to get aroused/spontaneous boners about women. This hasn't always been the case.

    I remember as a young boy and throughout my early teens I was easily aroused by women and could MO with a rock hard erection simply by imagining me doing things with them. At the same time, I wen't through a period of experimentation which we liked to call 'practicing for when we are with a woman' with one or two male friends of mine, where we frequently made out and had minor sexual contact. What's more important is that I enjoyed it and would look forward to seeing the mentioned friends again just so we could 'practice' some more. We frequently dry humped(naked) but never penetrated but I did find I was aroused by the thrill of it all and did admittedly enjoy the sight of their sexual organs. As we got older, this phase passed and I didn't really think much of it and did not experiment at all again thereafter. Frequently when MOing, without porn at this stage, I would still fantasize about penetrating a man and got more of a thrill from it, perhaps due to the taboo. This is not to say I could not still very effectively MO to the thought of a woman, just that I enjoyed the latter more.

    Here begins my porn discovery stage around the age of 13-14. Until I was around 16, I masturbated exclusively to straight porn and never really had any problems getting hard but at around this age, I started watching some gay porn as well after stumbling on a video by accident to which I became incredibly aroused. After this, my ability to maintain erections during straight porn declined at a steady rate, until around the age 20, I relied more on gay porn to MO than straight. Interestingly enough, lesbian porn also does it for me a lot of the time. I Think I may just enjoy the taboo factor of both. Now by the age of 21, it is even hard to MO to lesbian porn and I had to rely pretty much exclusively on gay porn to become aroused. Frequently I would watch that until I got aroused enough to continue on to straight porn in order to avoid guilty thoughts. Occasionally, past the age of 16, when I went to MO without porn, it was only really gay thoughts that could do it for me and I remember the erections being and still are quite strong simply by fantasizing, just like it used to be before porn to the thought of women. It is important to mention however, that it is pretty much exclusively twinks/young men/ femenine looking men that I like to MO to, through P or fantasy.

    As mentioned previously, as a result of all of this I feel very indifferent to women, where I did used to get spontaneous boners just by looking at them. Not to say I get boners looking at men either, generally, it's just quite inactive down there and hence the reboot. Furthermore, I can't really think of myself of being in a relationship with a man and my romantic fantasies have consisted exclusively of women. With what I have read online, I would be inclined to think I may have HOCD but after thinking back to my experiences as a kid and how much I enjoyed them, I think there might be more to the story. What initially triggered my exit from the flatline was gay thoughts, and even now that it seems a bit more active down there, I do not have sexual thoughts about women in the same way I used to. Sometimes I wonder if I am actually full on gay, but then I think back to how women used to arouse me and get quite confused. Infact, I remember the butterfly feeling I used to get when making out with girls, and develop intense feelings for them quite early on. In my most recent chance I had at losing my virginity, I got easily aroused(but never 100% erections) during make out sessions with a girl, but when it came to do the deed it died down quickly and each time was progressively worse as my confidence dipped, until I was soft even during kissing.

    It is also important to mention I don't feel particularly uncomfortable about my desires, that is, except for a brief moment after MOing, where I feel slightly off put. Basically, I see nothing wrong with being bi and might even enjoy it as it opens more doors etc. Being exclusively sexually attracted to men does worry me however as I have on many occasions, had romantic feelings for women, and so far not with any man. I apologise for the long post but it is my first time posting on a forum like this, and once I got writing about my issue, it was hard to stop as it felt very good to get it all out my system. Any opinions would be much appreciated.
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2015
  2. Hey thanks for sharing your story and congrats on the 14 days.

    I don't have much that I can directly relate to help you with your questions. Only this: my gay impulses in the past always seemed rooted in wanting more male camaraderie in the absence of meaningful relationships with women. And putting myself in an overactive + simultaneously exhausted sexual state (which in my case involved things like doing drugs going to the red light district and porn) this and the addictive aspect, really does change your personality tastes and appetites.

    Rebooting is a great thing I would suggest to not reach any conclusions until you are free of the inner beast, just wait and see, once you're free of this addiction you will likely learn new things about yourself, not the least of which is experiencing real joy instead of just pleasure.

    Keep up the good work brother
     
    santeria13 likes this.
  3. SkyDoge

    SkyDoge Fapstronaut

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    If I had to bet I would say you're bi. But you need to finish your reboot before you know what you really want and what you're just addicted to seeing.
     
  4. santeria13

    santeria13 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the support bro! Really nice to hear. I understand you completely as in the recent past I have also succumbed to many addictions: ie eating a lot of crap without ever thinking about healthy diets etc, smoking a lot of cigarettes/weed and PMO. It does really mess up your psyche after a while and I've realised the need to constantly find something else to provide short term joy is slowly killing my life and relationships. In terms of career, I'm actually doing very well in my current course in university which I thoroughly enjoy and am on the way to graduating with a very good mark. I can't help but feel empty however, as if I should be pursuing all these women I find attractive/have romantic thoughts about but generally and subconsciously choose to be very passive on the matter which leaves me feeling emptier and emptier. I think a big part of this alongside PMO is my failure in having sex with the last woman I fell in love with, who also admitted to never having cared for someone as much as she did for me. The first time, I think PMO alongside performance anxiety due to being a virgin played a big role in not getting it up for the act. Thereafter, each time gradually dug away at my confidence and emotional state, until I felt I had created a massive mental block, causing me to further indulge in my addictions, and of course further enhancing the problem. I do feel however that I have a really strong mental state otherwise, because I can't ever recall being depressed despite for a period after my encounters with the mentioned woman and to some extent, in recent days. Somehow, I always manage to put my head up, stay confident(there are many girls who are into me who I simply have not pursued due to my problems) and positively look to the future thinking it will all work itself out. I never even really considered being a virgin a problem until now. Unfortunately, I feel this was very much due to the addictions themselves, providing that dopamine rush that kind of let me forget about everything else which combined with my young age attitude. ("I have loads of time, why worry now") etc. which I can now see led to the slow destruction of my psychology.

    Recently however, I am really starting to feel my age catch up to me. I am 22 and still a virgin and am slowly seeing all my friends who I previously completely overshadowed in confidence, lose their virginity and enter the 'adult' world while I feel I am stuck being a kid. It's as if I was more of a man 2 years ago than I am today and I am noticing I don't have the same magnetic effect on people as I used to. I used to be very social, cocky and possessed a good sense of humor but now all my problems seem to have really come to surface and it is really affecting me. I would love to hear more about your addictions and how you dealt/are dealing with them and the results you are noticing as I feel I have a similar problem. Weed itself I feel is a big issue, as it kind of numbs the brain to these feelings and perhaps I would have faced my problems dead on a lot sooner if I hadn't used it as such a crutch. It's as if my happy, confident life was a lie and my mind is exposing myself to it now and it's making me feel like crap. I relapsed last night, without P, however still feel incredibly guilty as I have read how much it can set you back. It was only my third attempt(And longest) at a reboot so that is what is currently appeasing this feeling somewhat. Would you recommend maybe cutting the addictions one by one? I have already not smoked weed for 10 days either, whilst generally cutting back on cigarettes and improving my diet a great deal. It does really overwhelm me sometimes however, as I am so used to relying on that joint/ PMO in order to provide myself with that short term joy. I am really starting to see the damage that these things did to my psyche and I guess that can only be a good thing but as I've said I would be interested in hearing more about your story since it is very similar to what I am currently battling and I sometimes worry I may be beyond repair. It's gotten to the point where even my past positivity cannot seem to cheer me up.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2015
  5. santeria13

    santeria13 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing your issues as well man! I can very much relate to what your saying as I have also never, save for one girl, had a meaningful connection with a female. I was very lucky at one point where I found a very unique girl who could see past the initial social anxiety and understand me and love me for who I really was. Unfortunately, I failed to have sex with this girl after many attempts and we grew apart mainly because I was still madly in love with her whilst with each failed attempt she began to become increasingly frustrated and reverted to other guys which in turn caused me to be unjustifiably jealous and lost her completely. I went a bit off track but basically what I'm trying to say is that I am pretty much in the same boat, just that I was very lucky in meeting such a unique girl and I'm sure there are many out there who would be the same with you. It's all about that click and meeting a certain kind of person where for some reason your usual confidence issues etc. seem to disappear, of course not straight away but when you find that person/s I guarantee it will just click into place. Where you are luckier than me, is that you stumbled upon this website before such an encounter and have time to rewire your brain for when it really matters. I was always thankful for meeting her but recently realised it did me more damage than good psychologically and the resultant effects have perhaps prevented such an opportunity from arising again because I turned almost completely passive towards women due to the fact that my subconsciousness always had that fear of not being able to satisfy her sexually if the chance would arise. In fact, one thing that I forgot to mention, is that like you, I made a few women friends before meeting her and think my interactions with them and the increased confidence is what led to such an opportunity. See, when I attracted this girl and caused her to fall in love with me, I had no awareness whatsoever that I wasnt quite right down there. I had full concious and unconcious belief than when the time came, I would be able to satisfy her completely. Basically my point is, once you believe and know that you are working down there, you will be a new kind of monster when it comes to attracting women but of course other aspects of your life need to also be in healthy balance.

    Women can just sniff your confidence in the air and the more you talk to them, the more you gain. Ofcourse, quitting PMO will also have a very complimentary effect and you will notice the increased confidence/focus you get will open all sorts of doors. Now after my excessive passiveness and lack of female friends due to the mentioned reasons, I am back at square one and know I really must go through with a full 100+ days of no PMO to even begin feeling like my old self again. I even struggle to make friends with women recently due to this and it's really affecting me but yet again I guess this is what motivated me to look it up and stumble upon no PMO and to go through with it. It's also made me really think about other addictions in my life which provide short term joy and help forget troubles in your waking life. It really is an awakening.

    Back to the topic, like yourself, I honestly wouldn't mind being gay/bi if thats the way I am inclined but the mentioned feelings with this women are a big part of what caused me to question it to such an extent. I mean, even once I came out of flatline, all I could think of were sexual thoughts about other men. In terms of women, I am still in a flatline and it does concern me only for the fact I can't imagine myself having the same emotional connection with a man but then again maybe I just haven't met the right person or opened my mind up to it in that way? I guess my biggest fear would be being exclusively emotionally attracted to women whilst only sexually to men in which case it's a bit of a catch 22. What further reinforces this fear is that everytime after MOing to gay acts, I would feel quite disgusted and my thoughts would return back to loving thoughts with women etc, but never sexually. I do remember feeling sexual about women in the past though and that is what gives me hope. I cannot deny that I have always gotten more excitement when thinking sexually about men however. I think I might just love the idea of how 'against nature' and taboo it is which is partly why I become so aroused with such thoughts. Thats about the end of my kinky side though and I never really ventured into more creepy territories with so much years of porn use, which is again kind of a contradiction since I seem to like taboo acts.
     
  6. Hey brother I feel your pain man. I don't have much time tonight. I'll try and take a quick stab at your questions. Talk more in a couple days.
    I'd say the PMO is the main problem. The thinking that makes love really amazing is wanting sex, not being afraid of it, but not needing it. This allows for a real connection as well as truly amazing stress free and worry free non-objectifying sex if that's what you want. I'd guess since you 'need' you're likely also needing sex and because you've worked yourself in a bind over it you're in a downward spiral. You know the answer. You need to be free of the addictive need. When I was your age I was in s similar (but prob worse) bind and had sex with prostitutes for this reason.... in a sense it was a relief because it made me realize I was worked up over nothing... but in retrospect I regret it.... there was just no need to make such a problem out of it and to use someone else (who prob hated me) to get some answers...

    Yeah PMO does this too you. Weed did this to me too. Combining them makes it worse.

    Yes brother that is what you need to go after.... in my case I needed a full spectrum approach: get all my shit together. Like you I've always been fine with study and work. But I ate like a pig, got very little exercise, did nothing truly fulfilling, did not seek any help with my emotional issues.... I had to start fighting on all those fronts simultaneously to break out. In the end there may be only 2 things: the addictions and what causes you to be addicted... but for me that played out in many area's of my life... you gotta drain the swamp.... you can't just mop up one area and get to the rest later...

    Some guys have less trouble with this... but it fucked me up... prob because I got emotionally / psychologically addicted to it and became a pretty heavy user of really strong stuff.... if you're like me this may be harder than PMO... just because it takes longer to break... I basically had to put up with a low grade depression for at least a year before I felt healed....

    I had no help and no advice and no one to turn to. So I just figured how to stop my weed cycle on my own. I did without for a couple months, basically forgetting about it... but then would get a flash of how interesting my life used to be when I smoked and how dull it was now... in the end I took drastic measures and moved to another country where it was illegal and just started a new life that way. Again too drastic. I think if I had cleaned up other aspects of my life gotten more help I could have stayed put.

    Well don't overthink this. Frankly, despite modern culture's fashionable ideas: your sexuality does not define you. It's just not that important and not worth making a problem of. You've got a clear set of battles to fight for your own happiness, once you start making progress there I would expect you'll find more clarity here.

    This is the addiction talking. This sort of thinking will hold you down and pull you further into your addiction. Sure when we're younger we have confidence that is not based on experience, but it's a bigger mistake to fall into a cycle of low-confidence reinforced by fear and addiction, that is also not based on reality and it can get you stuck in a lonely confused place. You need to move out of this before it becomes a serious rut that you can lose many years in.

    No indeed not. Chances are high they all have a common root. And I would strongly suggest that root isn't sexual. I had to figure this out on my own. And it took me many years. I needed to feel good and get off and the triggers all pointed back to a self esteem issue (even my excelling at university and work... is actually a self esteem issue... I need to feel good by impressing ppl and being indispensable... granted this is the most useful aspect of my emotional issue... nonetheless it's founded on a sense of "having to do shit" to prove I am worthy of love... it's a hangup from an over protective narcissistic mother... leaving me with an endless itch to scratch that I ain't good enough unless I prove it by jumping through hoops... I can beat the system in many ways.... but in matters of the heart I always lost....this is still a struggle for me... but I spend far more time just dealing with the pain instead of running from it)

    Can't do that brother. That mindset itself is poison already. Even if you fought off each and everyone of your addictions if you still have that mindset then you are leaving the door open to self medicating some other fake way. You need to raise your tolerance for discomfort.... get comfortable with some discomfort... very good chance that is what is sitting on top of some emotional issue (like my self esteem issue) and turning it into a monster that runs your life.

    Anyway out of time for the moment.

    BTW The last thing I needed to finally reach reboot stage is nofapacademy.com course, they want a little money which sucks but then again it is worth it and it really covers everything I have found on my own. Just sign up for a month or two and work through the course.

    I've been meaning to post my own long list of tips and tricks and am hoping to do that in the next few days.

    Listen you are worth this. Your happiness is worth this. You don't need to sell yourself short and settle for mere pleasure that becomes less and less gratifying (or more and more insane). Stay in touch. Fell free to PM me.

    Oh and during reboot: just expect to feel like crap, you can't trust your brain or your emotions until you have rebooted, start by not taking them to seriously. Also: falling and just learning from how and why you fell and just gaining information on how you can do better nest time is part of the game. The goal is perfection but the rule is never ever stop trying...
     
    santeria13 likes this.
  7. Arley

    Arley Fapstronaut

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    Let me say that I am a gay male - though, I love women and have always wondered if I could be in a romantic relationship with one.

    From what I understand (or what I think I understand) about HOCD, it sounds like that's not what is going on.

    My understanding of HOCD is that people who experience it don't actually have sexual feelings towards their same gender - instead they have an obsessive and COMPULSIVE thought pattern and anxiety about whether they do.

    So when they're around other males, an anxious energy arises where they keep "checking" whether they are feeling any sexual arousal. Even though they repeatedly find that they aren't feeling any arousal, they keep checking anyway. Compulsive "checking" is of course a classic Obsessive Compulsive Disorder activity. For example, people with OCD often continually check whether they've left their stove on or whether they've locked their door even though they have done so repeatedly.
     
  8. santeria13

    santeria13 Fapstronaut

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    Words can't describe my appreciation for your time in taking to reply to my issue. I've been keeping myself very busy lately and as a result have had very little time to post a reply on here but would just like to thank you for your advice and insight on how the mind works during these times of weakness. I am now undergoing a second reboot since my last relapse, which I mentioned on here and unlike my last attempt, have experienced no flatline as of yet. As a result, the urges have been very hard to resist and am ironically feeling better although only being 4 days in to it because I've had to really practice my self control this time round, and it feels good! After the urge passes, I feel a lot stronger and confident in myself because I know that's what the real me really wants and I am going after it with a conviction I just did not feel the second time round, despite reaching 2 weeks of no PMO. I know it's early days but I feel an extreme confidence to get through the reboot this time round and a lot of what you said really helped me get there. Yesterday morning, for instance, I woke up with a rock hard 80% erection to thoughts of a girl, who wasn't even that attractive. It was extremely tempting to just start another MO session since it had only been 3 days since the last relapse but at that moment I forced myself to concentrate on the feeling after my last relapse and got straight out of bed to do 3 sets of push ups and then went for a small jog around the neighbourhood. By the time I got back, I still felt mildly horny but no where near the feeling I had when first awakening and it was easy to control. Another positive I took from this was that my urges this time round have been purely on females. I find myself getting slightly aroused, yet am still as of yet to get a spontaneous erection, just from looking at provocative photos on facebook ( Summer in Greece, and girls love to post bikini photos). I simply close the tab, and open a new one on something to do with motorbikes or engineering in which I am very interested and very quickly forget about the sudden urge. Ofcourse, my urges haven't really been as strong or primate as the ones I experienced before my PMO days but at least they are there and reminding me of my sexual nature. I am sure with time the urges will become even stronger, after possibly another flatline, but am choosing to look at it, when it comes, as a good sign and a sign of encouragement that I am returning to my normal, male state and that these stronger urges/erections are just a positive sign things are heading in the right way. It's all very easy to say and I need to be careful but I am definitely on the right path and it was our talk about addictions that really kickstarted that drive in me.

    As for weed, I haven't smoked any in over 2 weeks and am feeling no urge to do so except for the slight temptation I'm sure you are aware of, when I'm playing a game, watching something or listening to some music, that voice which tells you ' oh this would be so much better and immersive if I was high '. I know you may disagree here, but when I return to university I have decided to allow myself to smoke again, however this time round limiting myself to a set amount of money spent/ weed smoked per week. It may seem like a half assed solution but my main problem with it is that I spent way too much money on the stuff(a big sign of my psychological addiction) along with the fact that I always kind of relied on that end of the night, smoking session, alone to my thoughts that would brighten up any moody day simply for the thought of having that time to 'unwind' later on. It very much became a process in smoking weed for the sake of it rather than to actually enjoy the high and feeling it gives you. The reason I have decided not to cut it completely is that, on the whole, most of my good friends at university, and they are very good people, are heavy weed smokers and I know that spending time with them whilst trying to quit will end up being self destructive. To put it bluntly, it is also a very boring student town and I am really not into the booze culture which takes up most students free time. Also It is more the lack of self control that was the problem rather than the weed itself. By limiting myself to a set amount(about 1/4 of what I used to smoke) and never allowing myself to have that 'it doesnt matter' attitude I think it will also do me a great deal of good in self control and will also allow me to work towards things like saving for a new motorbike, which I have neglected, largely due to my excessive spending on weed. My plan is to make it a part of my life which I enjoy, but control, just as I would with video games, tv shows or anything that I find myself enjoying to a slightly addictive level. I have already made a gym plan, and will continue playing football twice a week which was a great part of what was keeping me sane until now. I know that it's all to easy to say and give myself that sense of comfort but by the time university starts I will have reached nearly 2 months without PMO if I carry on my current streak of which I am absolutely determined to pull off.

    The confidence that will arise as a result of holding off temptations until then will also help me to battle these other addictions. My diet has improved greatly as of late and I am generally feeling a lot more energetic and full of life than before, which together with the no PMO has put me back into a positive state of mind. My greatest enemy recently and why my porn and weed habit both escalated out of control is because of that negative mindset both of which they escalated even further as it wasn't just enjoying something, it was being fully and utterly addticted to it and reliant on it to put me in somewhat of a false positive mindset once again. The fact that I have already cut weed for 2 weeks with no real temptations at all, despite it's availability, gives me further motivation and conviction that I will be able to manage and pull off my new plan. The thing you said about 'being comfortable with discomfort' really made me think and I know there will be many times down the road I will be urged to just 'test my newly found libido' or to just 'spend that extra 20 pound on weed this week and go back to your plan next week' and fall back into that negative mindset but even just writing down these things here has done a great deal in letting me figure out how my mind works and operates and how to prevent these issues from arising. When I do get these temptations I will definitely come back to this post, think of that quote and with strength of character(which is slowly rebuilding itself) be able to shake them off. Everything in moderation, and with self control is the key. Ofcourse I will eat junk from time to time and as I've said, will smoke weed but I think the biggest part of my problem was the lack of self control rather than the habits themselves. Well except for PMO, and smoking cigarettes both of which are just harmful addicitons to your physical health.

    Thanks again, and am eagerly awaiting to see your post on how you overcame your own addictions and tips/tricks that you mentioned. Oh and I am definitely expecting to feel like shit a lot of the time through this process but as you said will have to just carry on being comfortable in uncomfortable times, because that's what character and composure is all about at the end of the day. Because the truth is, failure to follow my plan will only make me feel more shit, more consistently, and I realise this now more than ever.
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2015
  9. kriss93

    kriss93 Fapstronaut

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    @santeria13

    What about bisexual thoughts? Have you got them at the starting phase of the reboot? And when they are less and less, and easy to handle? Because in my case, the HOCD thoughts now the most stronger than ever... (I'm on day 15 without PMO or MO, PMO-ing since 2007-2008, and I never reached 3-4 days goal before...) is it normal? (And of course my mood is now the saddest....) Will it better with time?:/ because i feel these thoughts and sadness can kill me, if they won't...
     
  10. santeria13

    santeria13 Fapstronaut

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    @kriss93

    During my last reboot, I had a long flatline lasting around 12 days where I felt absolutely nothing before experiencing very intense gay fantasises(no straight) and urges from around day 13. During this time, as you say I generally felt like crap, and very inclined to relapse at the slightest urge. Looking back, it was because I wasn't that serious about the reboot as I would have liked to be. Talking with @JackStrident about addictions however really got me reflectively thinking about myself and who I want to be and it simply amount up to the fact that, gay, bisexual or straight I want to be in control of my life and by indulging in PMO and other addictions, we are not. I then relapsed on day 15 and went on a bit of a binge for 2-3 days before starting again where I am now currently 5 days into my next attempt. The strange thing is, this time round, I have experienced no flatline and my thoughts and sexual urges have been basically completely on women. I even had a very intense wet dream last night where I was making love to a woman. Needless to say, it is very confusing but I think it only reinforces the fact that PMO really does fuck up with your mind in so many ways. How is such a thing even possible to explain where one week I am getting strong gay urges, and the next I am experiencing many straight ones. My best advice would be to read through the thread, and others, to take some motivation from and really know and mean it when you say you want to succeed this time round in the reboot. The only way to really rewire your brain and remember what your pure sexual desires are, without having been completely messed up by PMO, is just to abstain from it as long as is needed. My current aim is to go 120 days and see how my libido/urges are feeling then and continue if neccessary. I know I will get there. Hell, just from trying the reboot process several times and generally watching a lot less porn, I find myself generally more horny, just very confused about my sexual orientation. The only way to really know is to free your mind of the addiction, with however long it takes, and then and only then, can you reflect on your true self and sexual desires. You'll get there bro, trust me. Just think about the confidence beating such an addiction will give you and how much more self control resisting all those urges will reward you with. I can't remember a single time I've relapsed and felt good about it. On the contrary, I feel ashamed and quite weak even if I eventually shake it off and return to a positive mindset, it really does do nothing rewarding. Your strongest battle is with the mind, and once you win it, you're life will be a lot better in many ways other than just your new found libido.

    As Jack said, learn to be comfortable with discomfort; for that skill will give you more self control and confidence than anything else I can think of. Whenever you're feeling like shit, remember what you're working towards, and all the problems that led you to this site in the first place.

    Also, my best advice would be to make the cutting of your addiction, just part of your life, rather than the focus of it. Find new hobbies and interests or reignite old ones and focus on the other things you want on life while you heal. I was always interested in motorbikes and engineering but I never really actively learnt about them or went further than watching a few clips on youtube. Whenever I get an urge recently, I just open a new tab and focus on learning more about the things I like and enjoy and feel alot better thereafter, and the urge always passes. Remember that. Make goals and aspirations and stick to them. Right now I have decided to start saving up for a new motorbike and focus on graduating with a first class degree from university. This focus gives me direction and centre and lets the urges/sexual side of things seem much less important. Ofcourse, one of your main focus should be completing the reboot but never make it the most important thing in your life, rather integrate it into your already fulfilling life. I realised a big part of the problem with PMO, and a big part of the resultant depression/feeling like shit as you describe is that whenever I tried to stop it, it was the only thing I was really working on rather than imrpoving myself as a person in many other ways as well.
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2015
  11. kriss93

    kriss93 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks to your writing. I'm curious about what kind of "strong gay urges" have you got? Can you write some examples? Because I'm on day 15, and to be honest only one day I have straight urges...I'm afraid of that, when I go through the rebooting I'll discover that I'm gay/bisexual....but if it happens, I think I could not be able to accept that, because I KNOW and I REMEMBER in my childhood I only fantasize about girls, and nothing else shit...

    What thread do you said about? (which I should read through)
     
  12. santeria13

    santeria13 Fapstronaut

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    Well to be blunt, I could not stop thinking about sucking someone off or engaging in sex with one or two of my friends even. I mean, at the time, I had just kind of accepted the fact that I liked men sexually and probably still do to some extent, but not to the extent that my mind was telling me. I tried forcing myself to think of a woman and fantasise to her but would get absolutely no response down there from any thoughts on females. The only thing that would arouse me after this flatline were thoughts of men. Now, the situation has reversed and I can only think about women and get strong urges for them. Any thoughts of men right now don't really excite me or force any response down there. The truth, and my real sexuality, I'm sure lies somewhere in the middle. I think I am predominantly attracted to females but the porn really just messed my head up. There's no way to know really until you fully go through with a reboot, and only then will you be 100% sure. Right now I can only think about women but know this doesn't mean much as a week ago all I could think of was men. It's the brain readjusting itself and once your sex drive is restored, you will definately know what you want and like but right now it's just a guessing game. As I said, focus on the rest of your life whilst allowing yourself time to heal and before you know it you will start to get thoughts about women just as you used to. The only reason I think I might actually be bisexual despite the porn messing my head up, are my experiences as a kid which I described in my original post. If you purely fantasised about women when you were younger then I imagine you are straight and the brain has just messed up your sexual preferences. Again, give yourself time to heal and it will all make sense either way. Who cares if you end up being bisexual? I'm pretty sure you aren't exclusively gay due to your being able to fantasise successfully to the thought of women at a young age. If you are bi, think of it as just meaning you have more options for sexual and possibly romatic? (I can't even imagine myself doing this tbh and have never thought of a man in that way) but you have alot of options for pleasure and hey if you are not completely comfortable with the fact, it doesn't mean you would have to tell everyone. There are many types of weird sexuality out there these days (google it ) and I think labels just complicate things. Again from what you have said, I believe you are definately leaning toward the straight side however. Give your brain time to readjust and remember not to be ashamed or concerned with whatever reveals itself. Learn to enjoy and accept it.
     
    kriss93 likes this.
  13. Arley

    Arley Fapstronaut

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    There have always been all sorts of "weird" sexualities out there.

    It's just now we see the futility, irrelevance, and harmfulness of condemning them.
     
    santeria13 likes this.

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