my marriage is in emergency crisis mode, needing advice.

Hey Hope. You sound almost word for word like my wife when my PMO addiction finally came to a head about 7 months ago. It sounds to me like you've done all the legwork already: you know how deep PMO addiction can run and how difficult it can be to break through it.

From what you've said, it sounds like your husband hasn't accepted his problem yet. He's still allowing his demons to control his thoughts and doesn't want to admit that he has a genuine problem. If he is willing, this site is stupendously wonderful reading material for him. I'd suggest starting with my own or my wife's journal (both are linked in my signature). He needs to understand how deeply this problem runs and the true scope of its effect on you. Has he been receptive to watching any TEDx talks or in reading any material you have come across? I know I wasn't fully aware of how deeply porn has changed me until I began to read up on it.

There's a great little inexpensive app for Iphones (and maybe Android too, but I'm not certain) called Brain Buddy that was of tremendous help to me at first. It does a great job of breaking down the porn addiction into little daily sound bytes, instead of possibly overwhelming me with reams of data all at once.

Unfortunately, the burden is now on him to accept that he has a problem and that he needs to change. There is little you can do at this point, as it sounds like you've already done all the research for him.

We're here for you if you need to talk. Keep your head up and remember that porn addiction says nothing about deficiencies in the addict's partner, it says everything about deficiencies in the addict.

Stay the course.

 

Hey Hope,

There were essentially three things that finally made me snap out of it and genuinely begin to fight this thing.

1) My wife flat out told me, it's me or porn. I had been caught multiple times before and made the same "I'll stop" promises, but it was her final ultimatum that actually sunk in. Briefly, she had left me. She texted me at work saying that she just couldn't do this anymore and the waves of emptiness that washed over me went directly to my core. Thankfully, my wife found some scrap of strength to hold on to and she decided to give me one last chance. I seized that chance.

2) I made the decision to stop choosing pixels over a real life person. I was sick of how utterly pathetic I had become and the reality of what I was doing was incredibly harsh. I used to prefer being alone and jacking off to my loving, flesh and blood wife. My wife who was more than willing to have sex with me as often as I liked. I could no longer stand that image of myself. So yeah, it was seeing just how pathetic I was that also helped snap me out of it.

3) PIED. 'Nuff said. Nothing makes a man feel like less of a man than not being able to get or sustain an erection during sexual contact. And I even fought this one for a while. About a month before our big blow up, my wife brought up the subject of PIED and I flat-out denied it. I would do anything to preserve the addiction. But with porn of of the way, my PIED is a thing of the past and I feel like a man again.

Wishing you the best of luck, Haggis.

Stay the course.

 

Hope, you can keep asking the same question in different forums but my advice won't change. If you don't give him a clear and serious choice -- you or porn -- then nothing is going to change. He needs to know that this is the end of the line. No one would expect him to heal overnight, but you have to really mean it when you say: Start healing, or start packing.

Please, take it from me. And @Haggis. And I'm sure dozens of other men here. If you don't give him a kick in the ass, things will stay as they are.

 

Truth.

 

I agree with Haggis and Eleven, and the escalation often can take the addiction to other places you might not even know about yet, like being unfaithful. If you keep drinking poison in your mind, it is not too difficult after a while to want to drink the poison in person. I confessed my problem to my wife before she caught me and she forgave me, but there was no doubt in my mind that I knew what I wanted to do, what I needed to do, what I had done wrong.

Having said that, it does not mean that you have to give an ultimatum right away. It all depends on your assessment of how much you want to remain with him and his "incentives" to change his attitude if you give an immediate ultimatum. But step 1 in any recovery is admitting the problem, if he is not even at Step 1 and the prospects are not good to get there, then a radical ultimatum might be necessary to shake his world. He probably does not think he can lose everything because of this addiction.

 

That part. That part right there.

 

@The Eleven, while I agree with what you say nearly every time. This is her first time in this forum. The other one you were referring to was @hope4future which I would assume are different people. Just wanted to point this out, it had me confused too.

 

Good catch, @8BitsOfStuggling. Two very similar names with very similar stories. However, this one is @hope4future, and she has posted in multiple forums. The other one is @hope4healing, who I guess has only posted once? Confusing, for sure. I hope I haven't offended either one of them....

 

Don't think you have! So confusing never-the-less, just didn't want you to be confusing them!

 

When I read stories like this, I feel like crying my heart out, both out of sheer sadness and anger. I know the world isn't black and white but it's really heart rendering to hear stories of husbands (especially husbands) treating their wives in an unjust manner.

Then I turn around and see people like @Haggis, and see that change is possible, and it's within reach, but only if YOU (the person directly involved) is determined to conquer this addiction (yes, it is an addiction, that's a fact).

I hope to God that I become the best possible being I can muster with all my strength and soul, and emit the positive energy to everyone around me, especially my family and friends.

I know I'm still a kid, but I have a long way to go, I figured I might as well start now in becoming the strongest version of myself.

Agreed.

Goodnight.

-K

 

For starters, the temptation needs to be removed. I know that I went from an iPhone to a flip-phone, and my wife changed the passwords on the laptops. I can only be online when she is around to let me on. If you don't want to go to that extreme, just install filters.

Also, he needs to have someone to talk to about this, NOT YOU, so he can express whats going on. Have him sign-up here and we can get him an accountability partner.

Lastly, he needs long and short term goals. Maybe no porn for a month, no masturbation or playing with himself for 3 months, and only orgasms with you. I know you aren't living together, so you will have to hold him to his word.

Unfortunately, since he has a reputation of backsliding, he needs to know you are going to check up on him. Look at his phone, check his internet history, peak at his email. You need to rebuild the trust in your relationship, and that is going to be hard, because he needs to know that your trust in him is broken.

He needs to do this for you AND for himself. The changes I have experienced since stopping PMO are far reaching, more so than I thought. My concentration is better, my appreciation of my wife and desire for her is better, and my relationship with other women/females in my life have improved since the sexual tension is gone.

 

@DanVT offers excellent suggestions.

Bottom line, he needs to make a specific plan to eliminate PMO, to follow through on that plan and to provide you with the access/information you need to be satisfied that he is doing what he said he would do. He can easily develop a plan by visiting this site, reading some journals and asking some questions; also by visiting yourbrainonporn.com. He needs to delete his porn stash and install blockers to prevent future browsing/downloads; to stop deleting his browser history; and to give you passwords to all of his accounts. He (and you as a couple) should consider counseling. And he needs to take responsibility for his own recovery, while also giving you the time and space you need to recover from all the wounds he has inflicted. And most of all, he has to know you mean it when you say that he can start his recovery, or start packing.

 

Unless he can accept he has an addiction then there is nothing you do can for him, except live the rest of your marriage in misery.
Yours and the child's happiness I'd most important. Sorry to be so direct, but it's true.
CK