Addiction to gay erotica, no attraction to men outside of porn settings.

Now this story is gonna be a long one, so please bare with me.
I've always been a sexual person, since I was VERY young.
The first time I ever jerked off was probably when I was around 5 or 6, back then when I first discovered this I used to come back from school, strip naked in my room and just play with my dick, I wouldn't watch anything, I just liked the feeling, sometimes I'd imagine some of the girls I had crushes in too. I used to have a computer in my room but back then I didn't really know how to use it properly, but it had a webcam, and I remember turning the webcam on and recorded myself jerking off (THIS WILL BE VERY IMPORTANT LATER SO KEEP IT IN MIND).
I also had a TV in my room and eventually I found that after around midnight some softcore porn would play on tv, and I remember spending nights looking at girls stripping their clothes and jerking my lil dick to them, I was so young I didn't even cum back then.
this slowly progressed as I grew up, when I was around 8-10 I used to watch hentai with cartoon characters I used to watch, as well as videogame characters like tomb raider or harley quinn, as well as look at picture of naked women, and play adult games online, but I had never watched "real" porn, because since I can remember I've always suffered from anxiety, and doing anything I deemed "wrong" always made me have extreme anxiety and ocd about the matter until I told my parents( also important).
Around when I was 10, I became really found of getting completely naked and jerking off in the living room when nobody was home, it even excited me more to leave the windows open.
Eventually I met a kid when I was 11 and he was 12 and he showed me "real" porn, I quickly started watching it almost evey day, became addicted to watching "oily" porn videos as well as girls doing anal because back then I thought the only way of doing doggy was through anal.
when I was 12, I moved schools, and I found out about chaturbate, and that was a life changer for me, I spent so much time looking at girls live showing their bodies, and I used to love it.
along with chaturbate, my porn desires also progressed. I remember at one point really liking "forced" type porn, as well as gangbangs, bdsm, latex, public etc...
Mind you I was only around 13-14 around that time, I remember one time in particular I saw a video and of a girl stripping and then she turned out to be a transwoman and I was disgusted by it (also important).
One day, around when I was 13 my friend showed me "lightsaber" condoms that glow in the dark, and jokenly said " people use it to swordfight with their dicks"!, but that got me wondering if that actually existed, that was the first time I looked up gay porn, because I wanted to see that, and to my surprise and disgust, I found myself getting aroused by it. at that moment I felt weird, my entire life I had only liked women, had crushes on girls, and never even thought about dating or fucking a dude, yet my dick got turned on by it, it was weird for me but I let it go.
also around that time I really got curious about seeing girls my age naked, This is something I'm really disgusted about, and haunts me to this day, but you'd be surprised on how easy it is to find pics of underage girls on the surface web. back then that was a goldmine for me, but not enough, I wanted girls my age to see me as well, so I went on omegle, and tried to talk to girls my age and sext them (I was around 13-14 then). I found some girls ( who on hindsight were only pedos trying to get pics of me) and send them nudes and they'd sometimes send back, and I loved it, i did that a lot, but to no success most of the time. eventually I found out about 4CHAN, were I quickly got to know what Lolis were, I started jerking off to that type of hentai, but eventually I wanted to see the real thing, on 4chan it got very easy to get invited into kik groups where they shared pics of underage girls, and at one point I found myself having a collection (still around 14 there).
also around that time I started going on omegle and showing my dick off, desperadly trying to find girls, but most of the times, to no success.
both of those things kept happening, although eventually when I was 15 I got very disgusted by my cp consuming acts and deleted it all.
I replaced that with just jerking off on omegle almost every day, to the point where I would sometimes go to sleep at 3 am after hours of edging myself, I was still mainly looking for girls, but it got so hard that eventually I would jerk off with guys too. with that I also started watching transwoman, femboy and sissy porn. it felt like a powermove to fuck a feminine looking man, and it turned me on, but as soon as I came I felt extremely disgusted.
but it kept evolving, eventually It got so bad that i'd sext guys on omegle to add them on snapchat and do whatever they told me, I felt pleasure on acting like a "slut".
both those things kept happening until I was around 18, when I eventually joined chaturbate and thats when things got even worse, on chaturbate the majority of people watching me were dudes, and even though I very much identified as straight, I still loved their attention and loved when they said they wanted to do things to me. but again, that feeling of disgust will take a hold of me after I came every time. mind you even though I lead that life I was still very much attracted by women too, but straight porn started not doing it for me as much, i'd always be excited to come back to school and jerk off on chaturbate.
I eventually even started filming myself and jerking off to myself too, it turned me on.
that however took a toll on my sex life, I had my first sex expereince with a girl when I was around 17 and she gave me head, I liked it and wanted to fuck, but my anxiety started to kick in, I was so stressed about cumming to early that I did, I came before I could even fuck her and it was embarassing, she slept over, and the next day, we tried again, but this time my anxiety was such that I couldn't get hard at all, and that became a recurring theme in my sex life afterwards.
I went a long time without sex until I was 19 (mind u all the chaturbate thing still happening occasionally)
I met a girl from tinder, went to hers, and couldn't get hard again, I was so fucking anxious that i couldnt, eventually I chilled a bit and we managed to have sex, and that was my first experience, I felt like the man, I felt like I could fuck anyone. but I didn't I was still scared of disappointing.
jump to 2020, I was still doing the chaturbate thing every now and then, still watching femboy, transwoman, twink porn, and now I had even started watching "babecocks" which consist of videos og guys jerking off next to videos of celebrities, most of the times encouraging you to do something with the guy.
that started really messing up with my sexual identity, so I went on tinder and evenually met a girl, who I started dating, after I did, I completely quit the whole chaturbate thing, but history repeated itself as I couldn't get hard the first time we fucked, and the second time I got so excited that I came to fast, she was very understanding and eveyry time we fucked from them I got a bit better.
eventually we started having a lot of sex, and I really fucking liked it. I even quit porn, and for a few months, I no longer had sexual anxiety and no longer wondered if I was BI or gay, I knew I loved her, and I knew I liked to have sex with her.
that is until we had our first break up and I immideatly went back to chaturbate. after that, our relationship was rocky, it wasn't the same anymore, and I was constantly wondering if I did actually love her.
we got back together and after that sex wasn't the same anymore, it became more boring, she eventually said she wanted to chaturbate WITH me and we did, I really liked it but she didn't , so i kept doing it by myself, and I started realizing I liked chaturbating more than having sex with her lately.
that obviously put a strain in our relationship, which got even worse when I met a girl there and she started treating me like a "slut" and saying she wanted to see me fuck men, essentially becoming a real life babecock.
I still had sex with my gf, but now I was constantly scared that I wouldn't be able to get hard because I had a voice in my head telling me I must only be gay.
So I started questioning myself, I went on reddit, and posted on all types of forums about my questioning, most people saying I must be bi, some saying its porn addiction but it didn't matter, I was back down this rabbit hole.
eventually she looked into my phone and found out about my posts and broke up with me after claiming I'm a "closeted fag".
That hit me hard, because I had actually ruined a relationship due to my addiction, and it got me wondering if she was right, so I kept on testing myself, I watched lesbian porn, to see if i'd still get off, i'd watch gay porn to see if i'd like it better. and it did get me somewhat harder.
but what turned me on the most was the chaturbate chick, when she treated my like a slut, it wasn't even the pictures of the men she sent, because most of the times I didnt like them, but just her ordering me around, I liked it. something similar my gf used to do was sit on my face, and I fucking loved that, I loved when she pushed my head towards her pussy.
But now all that is over, and I'm here, asking for help, because the few times I did a nofap I did feel less attraction to these more "extreme" types of porn.
I blocked all types of porn from my phone and laptop, and I'm trying to start a nofap, but I keep waking up with the urge to jerk off, and watch gay stuff, I feel like this whole thing just made me gay. although I feel no attraction for men outisde of a sexual setting. I'm constantly worried about it now and I don't know if it's who I am or if it's my porn addiction and anxiety speaking. I got anxiety meds that I'll start taking, along with the nofap, and I hope it helps. does anybody have any advice?

 

I've tried nofap before, I think my max was 2 or 3 weeks, and it did make me feel "straight" again, I even checked gay porn but no longer felt interested in it, although I think this is probably the worse thing someone can do, is like a coke addict taking a line to prove to his friends that he's not addicted anymore.
I'm gonna try to go for longer now, I do want to reset my brain to its default settings, or at the very least see if after a while without porn I'm still attracted to that sort of stuff. but I don't think I can go 90+ days without jerking off, specially now that I'm single so I'm not having sex. is jerking off without porn still relapsing?

 

I made my account in 2017 and left it for a while, idk how to change it

 

I already did but its not updating on this thread, maybe it will on my next thread or next time I reply to a thread

 

How long did it take for you to recover man, and how close of this situation were u? if u don't mind saying.

 

I cant stop it, ill see something slightly sexual and I'll go right back to it, not gay porn anymore just babecock videos, I feel like now when I watch porn I pay more attention to the dick, even the videos I made with my ex, I feel like I'm constantly paying more attention to myself. I don't like men, but im constantly afraid I might be gay, I enjoy sex with women, I feel attracted by women and by vaginas, but whenever I watch straight porn is like my brain purposely starts questioning it and I get so anxious about it I don't get hard, and if I switch to babecocks I try to deny it but end up getting hard. I'm not sure if I'm addicted or if bi or gay, I just know men in general are not attractive to me

 

I'm not even sure I can call it a porn addiction, I just really like showing myself off on cams, It's an addiction nonetheless though, I really try to st it but every time im alone it happens, I managed to stay off it for a week, then I saw 1 girl on tinder that had a nice ass, started getting horned up, started watching porn, and then 2 days later right bck to the bi stuff