Checking in for continued support.

Eleven days and still doing well. I woke this morning with a sexual dream that was quite appealing, and the thought lingered for awhile but did not take hold or cause arousal. I do not get on here a lot. I am busy with college and my interenet is spotty, but thank you being here for support.

 

Unfortunately this verse has brought more guilt than encouragement in my life mostly. I have often not been able to find a way out. I am always leery of a single verse that is taken as an independent principle, because there is always more to consider. But, that is a discussion for another time.

 

I was encouraged this morning by the dream that I awoke with as opposed to the dream yesterday. I was back in high school looking forward to a date with this girl that I had a crush on when I was in elementary school, before PMO. This is indicating that I am successfully sublimating and reprogramming my lust back to a state of innocence. Yea, I’m still early in this program, but I have been in this struggle for a long time. So I’m encouraged by this.

 

Of there was always a way out, I couldn’t always find it, but that is the past and I’m focused on the future.

 

I am still making it. Strange how our brains see the world as what is sexual and what is not. Anyway, I just stay aware and focus on Jesus. I have been under a lot of strees with a big paper to finish for school today. I am 57 yo and in a program for a master's degree in psychology. The current class is Health Psychology and we are discussing in the forums how to change unhealthy behaviors. I mentioned my desire, and struggle, to quit M and of course got no discussion about it. Everyone talks about eating, but PMO is just not something people talk about. I was never even really allowed to talk about it in therapy. But I can talk about it here and the Holy Spirit brought me here just for that reason.

 

I am still here and still ... Mostly, I am not considering going back. But there are moments when the thought arises. It is like when I quit smoking the last time though, it just felt like that is the last of it. I do not remeber my last PMO, even though it has only been two weeks. I remember my first MO and will likely never forget that, but it did not even have anything to do with lust the first time, it was just my body became full of a desire I did not understand and someone had mentioned to me once about ... I won't add detail, but it was just a physical thing. The problem was it felt really good, and I had had sexual experiences earlier in life before O was possible. It was almost immediate that I made the connection in my mind and the desire/action/guilt cycle became a part of my life. Sex became everything to me for so long, and I acted in ways that caused me guilt, shame, and eventually legal troubles. I learned to turn it all inward to fanatsy so that there was no effect in my life or other people's lives, but the guilt remained. Now, I can finally be free of the fanatasy and guilt too. This might be revealing too much, so ostracize me if you must; the Holy Spirit is the true guide that will lead me to the other shore. Maybe this is not the place to discuss anything outside the PMO domain regarding sex. But I expect people here may understand that part of it too.

 

Crazy, it was my cat that tempted me now. Being very affectionate and crawling around on my lap the physical contact on my genitals got me aroused. And once I was aroused there was the temptation to touch myself. I do not know if this is how sublimation works, but I am thinking, "what can I use the energy for instead", and I thought of my back and hips that have been hurting really bad lately, interfering with my ability to work out. So, I decide I will redirect the energy consciously into healing my back and hips and I focus my mind on this region and the pain, rather than on my genitals and the pleasure of arousal that I was feeling. It did not take long for the arousal to subside in this way. So I remained focused on the goal. Only time will tell if the healing will take place. Thanks again for being here.

And, yes, TaoJones, I do understand that the fanatasy has an effect on ourselves and others, I was speaking relatively, compared with an active pursuit of satisfaction through other people. Thanks.

 

This will probably seem strange but I have prayed and used PMO, while I was praying, and while I was having a conversation with Jesus, who was quite accepting of me even within the midst of it.

Today, I had a trigger, and tonight I was tempted to touch myself, but when I talked to Jesus this time, his response was "you made this commitment to do this and I am going to help you honor that", so I am holding strong after 17 days, not much compared to you, but it is where I am. Anf Jesus is with me, as he always is.