35 and Older Accountability Group

One thing I would like to challenge us all on is to use this group as an actual AP resource. This goes for me too. Too often I've seen AP groups used the same way...just basic check ins like a journal or something. To me there is never enough support and reaching out to one another which is the point of this group.

Just something that bothers me about AP groups in general and I kinda see the same thing with this group. But again, I will be the first to point the finger at myself to work on being better. Anyone else feel this way too?

 

I wonder if others are in this situation. I work from home, on a computer all day, and my job is research focused which means intense focus for long periods of time. Entirely self motivated too. Very few tasks given to me, it's kind of up to me to get things done. So my drug (ie computer access) is right there, right at the time all my mental energy is depleted from cognitively demanding work tasks. Oh and I'm usually home alone.

With my last relapse I knew I was triggered, I was doing all the right things self care wise, but at some point I decided that it was enough and that I 'should get back to work'. Except it wasn't enough, I knew I wasn't ready, I just felt 'obliged' to get more work done. I guess I was feeling guilty for taking so much time for myself already. Anyway, 15 minutes into work my brain went on autopilot and here I am, 3 days completed instead of 9.

I thought about it and decided that at this stage of my recovery I just have to prioritize myself over work no matter what. Yes, perhaps I will be less productive certain days, but it's probably better to be in this situation for a few weeks or months, rather than be addicted for many more years. Perhaps work will suffer initially, but it should benefit in the long run.

 

I can definitely be better about replying to people in need. Or reach out when needed. Of course, I want to limit expectations a little bit as the tricky part is that you can't guarantee someone will be online at the time you need it. And people have definitely helped me out here in the past, but yeah I can certainly do better myself.

 

Thank you all for your comments and good feelings about my situation still processing it all. It's been a really painful year.

I hope you're all doing fine.
Stay strong!

 

Sunday check in. Had one beer in 3 weeks, but not drinking makes my mind clearer.

 

Checking in. I feel like I should be more engaged with this group. My excuse at the moment is that I’m moving house so there is a lot of stress and busy days. But also, part of me feels like I’m not doing it properly. I have stayed clear of M and P but I’m not following all the rules I had set for myself. It’s something I hope to write more about later after the house move is finished.

I hope everyone is keeping well.

 

resettttttt

 

Checking in and going strong

 

Thanks! Definitely feels like a huge accomplishment!

 

Relapse today. I'm not proud of this.

I'm focusing on making today as good as it can be, in spite of my mistakes. I still believe that, if I keep adjusting my tactics and I don't give up, long-term sobriety is possible. All of you in this group who've posted streaks of 30+ days make it possible for me to believe this.

 

Reset...
But I know something is start changing ...
Visualising a life after this barrier is helpful .
Love you all ..
Strength to every one

 

Was on day 6 yesterday and the exact same thing happened as with my last streak which ended on day 6.

Was working in the morning, felt urges coming, realized I should go do something else and take care of myself so I did, after an hour so went back to work and...oh man the rationalizing voices in my head were sooo strong. Same as last time. As if my mind was testing me, 'hey you just dealt with some urges, but are you reeaally sure you are committed to this?'.

Well, I was prepared this time, I knew this could happen from last time, I had been reminding myself every day and writing about it. So I said hell no there is no way I'm going to repeat the same mistakes! So I got up again, walked away from my computer, got some other stuff done, went back to work, and had a good rest of the day instead of being ridden with anxiety and guilt.

 

Wow that's great

 

Checking in, hope everyone is doing ok.

 

Reset again. Frustrated with myself but starting again.

 

Gentlemen.
It is with a humble and heavy heart that I must report that, after 185 days clean, I have fallen. The act itself was less than 5 minutes, late at night after an exhausted brain couldn't sleep, but the lead up was entirely my fault.

After passing six months clean, I decided I was ready to test the dating waters. That led to downloading some well known dating apps, and the lust-fueled dopamine engine roared back to life. Under the guise of 'finding a match', I spent a number of days basically fishing non-stop. I knew I was in dangerous waters, but the veneer of justification was just enough that I kept going. I was hooked. Had I been honest with myself, I would have reset my counter five days ago. I stopped doing the things that make my life worth living, that make me a unique and interesting individual, and instead became a gollum waiting for his precious alerts from women I have no business interacting with. It may not have been PMO at that point, but objectively it's just edging by another name when you're looking for 'matches' 200 miles away from you. This depleted my reserves and will-power, so when the urges hit hard last night, I was done. I've said it before, the decision to PMO always comes days before you actually do it, and I was no different. So please, gentlemen, learn from my mistake. These apps aren't designed to help you find a partner, they're designed to keep you hooked into their ecosystem, a slot machine of skin. Just don't go there.

All that said, I'm not too down. Truth is, I am ready to date, and there are safe ways to do so. I'm also working with a brain that's had 6 months of sobriety; I don't lose that from one slip. I remain a man of integrity by coming here and acknowledging my fall, and the man I truly am--strong, confident, invested in himself and others--is right there holding his hand out, with an empathetic smile, to pick me back up. I have been given the gift of remembering how devastating and awful feeling it is to be on the dopamine rollercoaster, how one dimensional life becomes, and I have no desire to make that my daily reality again. 5 minutes of PMO in 185 days ain't too bad, and that's how it's going to stay.

The apps are gone, the accounts deleted. I'll pursue romance the old fashion way, with patience, continuing to focus on making myself a man worth dating and trusting the process. I will no doubt have a chaser effect over the next few days, but I am prepared.

Here's to the next six months clean,

Humbly,
Jaberwaki

 

Thank you for your honest report. You are still an inspiration to us all. Not only with the number of days you reached, but also by showing us that building a life worth living is the way out of this trap. I'm confident that you will once again reach 6 months.

 

Almost relapsed today with urges but I'm very thankful I didn't give in. It's been a while since I can say I've done that.

Keep fighting guys.