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Addicted to memories and fantasies

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by J_A_1937, Jul 24, 2021.

  1. J_A_1937

    J_A_1937 Fapstronaut

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    Hello Everyone,

    I'm J. A. (27, M) from Europe. I'm watching porn since I was 12. I think I have porn-induced ED, but I never told a doctor about it so I'm not sure.

    Still, I think porn is not what I'm really addicted to. It's the instant gratification, the feeling of leaving reality, this fucked up meditation... but above all, the memories of girls I had sex with and what is even worse: the fantasies about girls I wanted to have sex with, but I couldn't.

    The usual pattern for me is this:
    I have a task which I have to finish but I always feel it too much, so I procrastinate. I have various ways to do that; gaming, binge-watching series, eating junk food, and yes, porn. When I finally make myself to work I start to feel bored and anxious pretty quickly and I touch myself and open some porn site as a reflex.

    But it's never about porn. It's always about finding material to fuel one of my fantasies about those girls from my past. I've spent countless hours looking for girls on porn sites who look similar to one of these girls. And of course, their photos are always there on Facebook...

    Let me tell you some stories.

    I had a toxic relationship 7 years ago with a girl (D.) who already had a boyfriend. It was all about sex for a while, then I fell in love with her. It was never going to work, but I couldn't leave in time. It lasted more than a year. By the time it was over I gave up all my dignity. I was practically begging for sex, more than once. The last time we talked was October 2016; the last time I fantasized about her was yesterday.

    Then I dated a girl (K.) from my university for only two months, but we never had sex because she was a virgin (at 24) and she was really anxious about it. She dumped me because I was too pushy. There was no love between us so this didn't hit me too hard, but I wanted to sleep with her so bad and I couldn't... So I burned some more of my non-existent dignity and tried to talk her into it. Later I even offered her friends-with-benefits... She had another boyfriend by then, so she wasn't a virgin anymore but still, lol. I haven't talked to her for 2 years but I'm fantasizing about her regularly.

    Then there was a girl (J.) I loved her more than anyone else before. Long story short, she friend-zoned me but I couldn't let her go... we remained "friends" and we still cuddled all the time when we were drunk because she was also in desperate need of love. It was a fucking pattern: we drank 3-4 beers, started to cuddle for hours, I tried to kiss her, she wouldn't let me, I felt like shit. It was like "Ok, next time it's gonna work out for sure" all the fucking time. This went on for one year before I gave up... I told her I couldn't do this anymore so we should stop seeing each other. It broke my heart. This was two years ago. I heard she is getting married next month...

    It still hurts to think about her, but that doesn't stop me to search for her on Facebook, find my favorite photo of her, 'open image in new tab', carefully scale the window, and zoom in so I don't see the people around her and jerk off to the memory when I was rubbing her shoulders once in a fucking pub. How fucked up is that?

    So I gave up. I already gained 30 kg after D. (I went from 90 kg to 120 kg in 5 months). Covid added an extra 20 kg to that, so I was sitting in the home office with my 140 kgs. I lost connection with all the women I knew. I don't have female friends. I haven't had sex for 5 years and I don't even try to meet girls anymore. I just keep going back to these fantasies only to get more miserable and less motivated to change my life... I stuck in the past. It's like my brain thought this was a safe way of "being loved" and settled for it. 0% percent chance for rejection. It's a great deal, isn't it?

    I have been going to therapy for a year now. It helps a lot to understand myself and I'm progressing slowly. I have even started to eat healthily and work out recently, so I've lost 5 kgs and I won't stop there. I haven't started this because my therapist told me to do it. At some point, I just felt like I was motivated enough to do it. I've found a diet I liked, a workout routine I liked and I managed to stick to it in the last 3 weeks. I know it's still a long journey to lose the remaining 35 kg but I feel motivated about this for the first time in a long time. I'm trying to achieve the same mindset with PMO.

    I know that this fantasizing, PM or PMO or whatever is my strongest demon. I want to defeat it but I just cannot find a way. It's not that easy as eating broccoli instead of pasta...

    Anyone who can relate to any part of this wall of text, I'm asking for your help.

    All the best,
    J. A.
     
  2. HE^MAN

    HE^MAN Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the community, mate.
     
  3. John Galt

    John Galt Fapstronaut

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    Glad you're here bro. Honesty is a good place to start. Was there anything about these girl that you were attracted to other than their bodies? Try to write a list of all the things they added to your life other than sex. Sex is great. Used in the right way it can be healthy and fulfilling. What needs are you using sex to meet? What are other ways you can meet those needs? I'd start a journal if I were you. It's helped me a lot. Not only to fight urges but to explore deeper motivations and habits that can be worked on.
     
    J_A_1937 likes this.
  4. Yes, I find its the same with me. Fantasizing is the root cause of me losing streaks. I cannot get 100% free, so now I have made peace with the fact, and now I am trying to stay as many days free as possible. I am trying to be free 320+ days out of 365 in the year. It'll not be a perfect success, but it'll be 100 times better than relapsing every 2nd/3rd day. :(
     
    J_A_1937 likes this.
  5. J_A_1937

    J_A_1937 Fapstronaut

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    Hey, thanks for the reply. It means a lot.
    Sure, with the girl I refer to as J. for one. When I first met her in my first year at the university I wasn't even attracted to her that much. She was pretty, just wasn't my type. Then years later, when I was really down emotionally we started to text each other (we weren't in the same country so meeting in person was not an option) and she pulled me out of depression. We understood each other so much it blew my mind. Then came the 2 hour-long phone calls. I fell in love with her just by talking to her.

    What I realized during my therapy, is that I mainly used sex to get the love I couldn't get as a child. I'm not talking about the Oedipus complex or something. I'm just saying that childhood issues with your mother can fuck up your future attitude towards women. Actually one of my great milestones in my therapy would be to fix my relationship with my mother, which is not bad, it's just distant and superficial.

    Actually, I've read through your journal. It's really motivating to see how you are fighting and I like your writing style, so keep it up. I'm planning to start one too, I just want to achieve at least a 3-day streak so I can take myself seriously.
     
    John Galt likes this.
  6. J_A_1937

    J_A_1937 Fapstronaut

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    I agree. When I was trying to lose weight earlier, I always decided to work out e.g. on Monday Wednesday, and Friday. I did this consistently for a while, lost as much as 10 kg (~20 pounds), then I missed a day in the gym. I felt like my streak was destroyed, so why not miss the next day too and I just stopped and gained back everything. Now I'm trying to think in periods. Like "If I work out this month more than last month that's still progress". It helps a lot to measure the average progress for a period of time instead of going all-or-nothing.

    I don't know how valid is this approach with rebooting. The counter, which you have to reset every time you relapse, suggests that your progress is always cleared completely if you slip once. I don't know if this is true or not.
    I have just started to read 'Your brain on porn' from Gary Wilson, so I don't know too much about the science behind all this, but I'm pretty sure that being clean for 320 days out of 365 in a year would be a great achievement.
     
    DM10 likes this.
  7. John Galt

    John Galt Fapstronaut

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    You can wait if that makes you comfortable, but I didn't. Might help to look back on these first few days and see where you started once you're further in.
     
  8. I did that for many years bro. I would have sex with this girls. And would fantasize and masturbate to the memories. It was insane but I think porn fuels the fire. By not watching porn I dont have so many fantasies. I mean they creep up but don't have much power over me. I was just like you. I never really thought about the girls emotional needs but my own sexual pleasure. I was a porn addict since I was 12 years old. So when I began having sex with woman. My addiction was I became a sex addict as well. I lost alot of girlfriend's and female friends because of it. Is a tough pill to swallow but pornography messed up my brain. But I do feel im recovering now. But all the damage has been done. I just forgive myself and have to move on. Just learned from the past. Fantasizing is just as bad for me. I was brainwashed as a kid by the playboy channel and magazines I would read. I really believe this stuff. Is just nothing but lies. Now that im older I'm realizing it now. Welcome to NoFap. Hope you find some solutions to your problem here. Is not perfection bro but progress.
     
  9. J_A_1937

    J_A_1937 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks mate! After I had written the main post I still PMO-ed for two days but I was more aware of myself. I've realized that most of the time I went to porn sites because of boredom or work-related anxiety. I wasn't aroused and I wasn't fantasizing. I just went to PMO because that's what I do when I'm bored or anxious. Fantasizing came up only during the second session of the day when porn by itself wasn't exciting enough anymore.

    I'm happy that you are recovering and I'm rooting for you!
     
    The legend06 likes this.

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