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My story and current state (long post - it is ok just to read current state) :)

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Free your mind, Feb 22, 2020.

  1. Free your mind

    Free your mind Fapstronaut

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    Greetings to all.
    Im new here, but have been reading since a year or two.
    First of all, sorry for my imperfect english, Ill try to be as clear as possible.
    Im 32, heterosexual. Physically active, in a good shape, healthy. Social drinker and smoker, never addicted. Since always low self-esteem, very emotional, a bit shy, but very fun with a known circle of people. Friend percieve me as an extrovert, but I always say that Im an intovert as I feel like it.
    Not hugely sexualy experienced. Always worried about my sexuality. Never had real morning erections.

    Early days and teenage years
    So.. My storry beginns in my early age as 8 or 9 when I discovered masturbation. Soon after, I discovered porn magazines and used them during masturbation. I was 10 or 11 when I started using pics and a few clips on the computer. At the age of 12 internet became available for me and thats when my habbits started.
    Frequent PMO through my teenage years with diving into more and more strange content, even gay porn and finally transexual porn (which was my "drug of choice" until now). When I was 18 high speed internet became available which only worsened the situation. At that point, I didn't have much experiences with girls, only few kisses. I wasnt looking great in my teenage years, I was rather shy, low self-esteem and scared.

    First sexual experiences
    The first real girlfriend came at the age of 18. First months with the girfriend...I spontaneously abstained from porn, not knowing about the damage its capable making, it was just that I felt unfair towards my gf, although we didnt have sex at that point. So, maybe I spontaneously rebooted at that point, not knowing anything about it. When the first trys of having sex came - I had obvious performance anxiety and maybe PIED so it was unsuccesful for the first few times. But after a while, I managed to get better and at some point we managed to have succesful intercourse (to be honest, I don't remember my real first time). It was difficult to orgasm at first, only handjob by my gf worked, but after a while that point was resolved as well.

    7 years with my first gf
    I had enormous libido, my dick worked perfectly. I stayed with this gf for the next 7 years. Our sex life was ok, but it was never enough for me, I wanted to have more, which my gf couldnt, so I started PMO again in parallel. It worked like that during this time and never had any problem. I even used to have sex with her and after she went home (we never lived together), I went for another round of PMO.
    At that point I got in touch with cam sex (often called cam2cam), on online cam sites and skype, mainly with transexuals. Of course, porn in parallel. It created enormous thrill and I obviously became addicted. Sex with gf was still good.
    When I was 26, my gf dumped me because of another guy.

    Emotional cryis and falling to the porn hell
    I didn't handle breakup well, I was broken emotianally and used PMO to feel better - which is a road to hell. Not every day but almost, searching for a c2c partner created such a thrill..finding a partner, multiple orgasms... It was like that for 2 years. I managed to get emotionally better, but self-esteem, self-appearance were low. Still, my libido was great and I wasnt depressed.

    New girlfriend
    I managed to get a new gf (my 2nd sexual partner). I have been with her for a year. First sexual experiences - performance anxiety, first time I couldn't get it up. The next few times it was better - managed to have sex, but without ejaculation. After a while, again, it was better and everything worked perfectly. I continued PMO during the complete time. She was a sex-queen with enormous sex drive, which was great for me, but still I had solo sessions. She loved me, but I couldnt connect with her mentally and emotionaly so I became a bit strained. I was 29 when I noticed a first drop of my libido. Frequent sex and PMO lead to lower sex drive - I thought it was because Im not truly in love with my gf. But still I wasnt worried about that much. I left her hoping to find a true love. After that, PMO hell again for a few months...with the obvious drop in libido. I was alone, emotionally in a bad place again which probably worsened the libido furher. At some point, PMO sessions became more rare (like once or twice a week) as I was probably exhausted and desensitized.

    First worries
    Few months later (about 2 years ago), I finally admitted to myself that something's going on. Low libido, low self-esteem, unhappiness. I couldn't get aroused as before even with porn, camsex or whatever. I was scared. But I hoped that everything will be ok when I get a chance to be with a women. But that was unlikely to happen as I didn't approach women at all due to low sex drive and low self-esteem.
    I finally found nofap and started learning about the subject.

    First tries of rebooting
    It was clear that I could be a victim of porn, but I wasnt totally convinced about it.
    I went to the first reboot - if I remember well, about 80 days hard mode. I relapsed and...continue PMOing for the next year and a half. Worried about my potential ED, that somethings wrong with me and...scared of intimacy with girls, totally not interested in approaching or whatever. About a year and a half ago, I made out with one girl with no real intention to have sex...Erection didn't happen. I was panicking.

    Current state
    About 6 months ago I fell in love..with a girl that was my friend for years. Weird story (but for some other post probably)... We made out, even gave her oral, but just a slight erection, not usable. It was all just fun, it was ok for her, but I was scared. And finally decided to make some serious steps. Decided to quit porn totally.
    I still wasnt sure is it performance anxiety alone or together with PIED. Or some other issue.
    I checked testosterone levels - all perfect.

    2 months later we had sex. As I was scared, I took Kamagra gel before (100mg sildenafil). I got erection, managed to have sex for a few minutes (no condom) but it dropped, no ejaculation. She was ok with it, but we didn't talk much about it, I just told her it was because I was too stressed. I continued with abstinence for the next month and a half. And things got great. MY SEX DRIVE WAS BACK, FIRST TIME NIGHT ERECTIONS, even erotic dreams, I even got hard receiving her text... We made out few times, I took Kamagra before as I expected sex, it didnt happen but I was hard and ready, wanting it...wow...
    Things got a little complicated with her and somewhere about the end of last year I relapsed (just MO without porn and even without erotic dreams) after 122 days. It wasnt a big deal. I continued abstining after that 1 orgasm.
    10 days later...again with her, again on Kamagra...great erection, great sex (no condom), and I reached the ejaculation! I was so happy, feeling cured!
    The next day...I was so confident...I went without Kamagra and again it worked! Great sex, but no ejaculation (but I was close, in fact I could have cum but wanting to prolong the intercourse..after a while she coundnt make it anymore).
    I was cured, I was on top of the world!

    After that, things got complicated again (I want more than just sex every few months, but shes not into relationship...) and we didn't have any intimacy during the next month. I was slightly depressed. And relapsed last saturday..binged..hardcore porn, 2 times PMO that day, each time for an hour or so. After 162 days hardcore mode (not counting that 1 MO).
    I met her 4 days later. Worried about our relationship, I didn't sleep well, I was stressed and tired.. I took Kamagra again as it was possible that we solve our issues and end up having sex. Which happened, just she said some words which slightly raised my stress...Still we went for sex (unfortunately), I barely got it up (even on Kamagra), we had sex (this time with a condom) for a few minutes when it dropped again. She was ok with it, I said that Im not in a good state mentally and phyically (which was true), but she said that she hope next time I will be (I percieved it as a slight pressure, which Im scared of).
    Later that evening, I was stressed, masturbated and cummed, without porn, thinking about her. Now, Im again...low sex drive, slight depression, anxiety, worries...

    Plan for the future and questions
    My plan is to quit porn completely.
    And to try again with this girl (which I still like and find so attractive). Im not sure if I do it soon or should I wait for 2-3 weeks (I doubt that I can get much more time).
    I cant speak with her about my PIED directly (I know it would be the best, but I really cant). I plan to tell her about my performance anxiety (which is a fact) and that I would like to be intimate with her, but for some time without focusing on penetrative sex (to relieve pressure). And to continue seeing her as I feel that she can help with my reboot hugely, without her who knows when I will be able to be intimate with another girl to help me rewire.
    Also Kamagra is a plan for the first few times, but not for too long (as you saw, I tried to remove it quickly).
    The fact is that I was so close (2 days in a row good sex, 2nd without medicine). Wish I didnt relapse.
    - How much harm to my brain did I do with this 1 relapse (2xPMO)? Can that return me to the start or would I need fewer days for my libido tu return? I know that noone can say exactly, but at least some experience.
    - Is it possible that my last inability to maintain erection last time was due to stress and anxiety, not because of that relapse?
    - Would it be helpful to avoid contact with that girl for some time again or would it be better to continue contacts like making out, watching movies together and so on, without sex?

    Thank you for reading, many words for my first post. :)
    Free your mind
     
  2. Hi pal, and welcome to this community.

    I think that anxiety performance plays an important role in your case, but just to be sure and rule out some kind of PIED, try at least to be "clean" for a month.
    If I had to choose, I would abstain totally from any kind of sexual stimulation for at least a full month (not even with your friend).

    To fight anxiety performance I would recommend you to meditate (mindfulness meditation). I used to meditate to "keep my mind empty" and that just didn't work, only a month ago I discovered that mindfulness meditation is about the opposite process, focusing on something so intensely that you can better control your emotional states, and it really works for me, especially with anxiety and panic attacks.

    About your friend, I think that meeting her in a non sexual way would be really good to rewire, but as I understand on what you said, she is more interested on sex than on a relationship, and that could probably upset/disappoint her if she meets you with the only goal of having a release. (I don't know what is really going between you, just assumptions)
    You may try to talk to her about your performance anxiety and make her see that even if some day you can't achieve an erection you can pleasure her in other ways. As you said she was OK with it, but you would want to know if that's really OK or if she just doesn't want to hurt you.

    I knew a girl that despised receiving oral and really loved/needed penetration so my problem was greater than yours, for what is worth.


    Your first goal, in my oppinion, should be to stop needing erection pills, that is, if your ED causes are not physical (you said your T levels are OK, but you may probably ask a practicioner to look for a possible venous leak)

    Keep going man, I would be waiting for more updates, and good news, I hope.
     
    Free your mind likes this.
  3. Free your mind

    Free your mind Fapstronaut

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    First of all, thank you for reading through such a long post. :)
    Then thanks for your support.
    Im sure that PA plays a role as I had it before, but also sure that I had PIED before doing nofap for 2-3 months. I was better and somehow rewired with that girl...had erections just from kissing and so on.
    Just that relapse set me back, libido was low which powered my performance anxiety, but I forced that intercourse unfortunately. Relationship with that friend is not just about sex, so Im sure I can get some non-sex time with her, at least a few times. I will try to talk to her about my p anxiety, just I cant talk about PIED.
    ED pills are just for some courage, I plan to leave them as soon as I get some confidence and lower anxiety (I already managed to have sex with her once without a pill and it was great).
    Thank you!
     
    ankith and Deleted Account like this.
  4. cali4sto

    cali4sto Fapstronaut

    How's things going mate?

    Any update?
     
  5. Free your mind

    Free your mind Fapstronaut

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    Oh, what a nice suprise that someone is interested. :) It's motivationg.
    Things are not going as planned in my last post here unfortunately. After that post, that girl (despite the fact that we are friends for a decade or more) disappeared from my life. She said that she needs to think about everything and just pushed me out without any good explanation. I saw her once after that but it was very awkward. I'm still waiting for the conversation with her.
    I was depressed because of that for some time. Together with my flatline it wasn't a great combo, which happened during this corona lockdown. So..a rough few months for me.
    Luckily, I managed to go throuh it without a relapse, which I see as a victory.
    Now I'm on a day 96 of nofap, feeling much better. I'm still thinking of her often, but I'm not so depressed.
    My morning wood happens sometimes. I even start getting a little bit of libido.
    I had my first spontaneous erection during a day.
    It seems that I'm slowly healing.
    Now I whish I have a girl to rewire with, but that isn't the case. Hope it will change soon.
    I'm going on a small vacation tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it.
    So...things are not perfect, but I'm positive. :)
     
    cali4sto likes this.
  6. cali4sto

    cali4sto Fapstronaut

    Awesome man!!

    Do not let your mind trick you in the everyday useless worrying, it is not worth it at all!

    Amazing that you have the opportunity for vacation, really hope that you enjoy it :)

    You'll find a better girl, just be sure you believe it will happen,

    I do have some book recommendations if you want to explore the mind and obtain a glimpse into dominating the mind:

    - The art of not giving a fuck (great book that mixes stoicism and buddism)

    - Siddharta (great read, quite philosophical)

    - The obstacle is the way

    Any of these will work either on your perception of happiness or in the strength of your thoughts and focus, let me know if you read any of them

    CHeeeeers
     
    Free your mind likes this.
  7. Free your mind

    Free your mind Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much!
    Of course I will try to worry less. And I still hope deep inside that this thing with this girl isn't over yet. It it will not work, I hope and believe that I will find another one, at least good as this one.

    Thanks for recommendations, I will put it to my bucket list, but it will take some time because I already have few books I have to read, and I'm not much of a reader. :)
     
    cali4sto likes this.
  8. Free your mind

    Free your mind Fapstronaut

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    Here is an update...
    After 3 months of not talking to that girl (waiting for her to call, to finally tell me about her feelings), we met at a party. Both slightly drunk...we kissed and made out for a minute or two..
    2 days later I sent a message that we really have to talk. Which happened today.
    She said that it was too forced for her. That the beginning of a relationship should be easy and fluent, not that she has to force herself to do something, and that she is in a bad position in life, she doesn't want anything anymore because it would be forced (classical bullshit).
    Of course, I made many mistakes...I was too clingy and needy (its hard not to be when you start something with someone that is already close to you). Of course my pied helped.

    So now, all alone again, 147 days into hard mode, noone to rewire with, sad, slightly depressed and worried.

    Libido 0 for some time already, morning wood very rare, sleeping problems...

    The positive thing is that I'm not returning to fapping.

    I hope thing will finally start to improve...
     
    cali4sto likes this.
  9. Free your mind

    Free your mind Fapstronaut

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    Update after 254 days...
    I relapsed. In fact reset, I was M and O. Just mechanically, without fantasy.
    I dont know why. I was worried because after so long time of staying of PMO, my erections were not good, my morning wood was rare and bad. My frenulum shortened because of not using my penis for a long time (I'm thinking of a surgery).
    The one very bad thing what I did lately was binging on dating sites and one local site dedicated to casual hookups. I even met with 2 girls from there, but nothing happened because they were really unattractive irl.
    But texting with them was so arousing and I was very hard during that time the whole day. In some cases I even had shaky hands because of dopamine hit I guess. That's something that could drove me to the state I am today - so not much better then when I was starting with this journey.

    I guess it's time to start all over again. But stronger. It's time to visit a doc also.
     
  10. Free your mind

    Free your mind Fapstronaut

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    12 days later I had sex. Twice in the same evening. With a help of ED pill.
    It was pretty good. The entire life I have a slight DE. This time I orgasmed after maybe 3-4 minutes, I could not resist. With a condom!
    Then the second time.. Erection was again good, but I lasted for some time and it was great. In the end I orgasmed again with a condom and PIV.. Amazing.

    Today (15 days after) I went without ED pill. I cummed during foreplay (BJ)..definitely too soon. Im not sure about the erection but I guess it was ok.
    The second time, I got hard, put the condom on and start but my erection dropped after a minute or two. She finished me off with hands.

    Conclusion, state is better then before. Sill I have worries now about possible PE and still ED residuals.
     
  11. cali4sto

    cali4sto Fapstronaut

    Looks like things get better and improvement exists, hang in there man, you got it
     
    Free your mind likes this.
  12. Free your mind

    Free your mind Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your support. :)
    I will do it :)
     
    cali4sto likes this.
  13. Free your mind

    Free your mind Fapstronaut

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    Update..I had sex with the same girl the other night, I went without ED drugs.
    The erection was so-so, lost it a few times but managed to get it up again and it was succesful. The girl was happy. I wasnt able to do the second round.
    All in all, Im satisfied that I can have sex again without ED pills.
    About the porn - I almost forgot what that is.
    Masturbation - I did it only a few times this year.

    2020 was shitty in many ways, but still I will count it as a success for me. :)
     
  14. Free your mind

    Free your mind Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately, so much work and activities, I forgot about this site.
    I had a few months of success. Still seeing a girl from the last post, just because of sex. My libido is still low but I manage to have sex with her every 2 weeks. Erection is still so-so to ok, but I started to have problems with premature ejaculation (I guess because I didn't use my dick so its very sensitive). That's why I started masturbating sometimes.
    I started binging on site for hookups and started doing the same habit that I did when I was fully addicted...searching the profiles with harder and harder content.
    Eventually I stumbled upon transwoman porn (my drug of choice, together with cam sites). I started watching a litte, but still managed to masturbate without porn.
    Until today..
    I watched transwoman profiles for hours, got crazy horny, found transwoman hardcore porn on one od the profiles, watched it and cummed like I used to do during my addiction time.
    Shit..
    Now, here we go again..
     
    cali4sto likes this.
  15. cali4sto

    cali4sto Fapstronaut

    Well sorry to hear, I'm in the same boat

    Was fucked for 2 months because of high stress work, didn't care about sleep higiene nor nofap

    After months fapping daily, then my fetishes for transwoman porn came back too

    Check tbe book "The Multiorgasmic Man" could really help you out!
     
    Free your mind likes this.
  16. Free your mind

    Free your mind Fapstronaut

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    Update.. I had sex yesterday..
    After a long long time I had problems with DE. My erection was ok, vut couldnt cum easily.. Just one binge with transwoman porn did it..that's how potent this shit is.
    Im glad that PIED didn't return immediately, but it's clear how this shit influence us
     
  17. Free your mind

    Free your mind Fapstronaut

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    I'm not good..
    My emotions are trash..found out that my ex (the girl from my previous posts I was/am in love with) most likely has bf. I knew it was going to happen, but it's difficult.
    I got drunk on Friday so Saturday was hangover and horniness that comes with it..
    I started typing with some transwomen..got horny..masturbated.. Then arranged a meeting with another one.. It was just a drink but still..
    I went home, horny, videocalled another transwoman and masturbated once again, horny like hell..
    Now, sunday, I'm depressed.. not sure what it will do to my sexuality.. :(

    Beside that, I'm not working out for months, I don't look as good as before, don't sleep very good, drinking relatively often and I started to smoke often (not addicted but still)..

    This is the lowest point since I started nofap.

    I have to get my shit together and get back on a track.
     
  18. Free your mind

    Free your mind Fapstronaut

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    This obviously become my journal..

    Still not good.. Worked too much lately , not enough sleep, masturbated a few times with an excuse that it will help me with my PE (still seeing the same woman occasionally from last posts). Erections with her are so-so usually.
    I met another girl and she really likes me. We drank few drinks, went at hers place and started making out. I knew it will happen so I took kamagra before. When we started I got hard, but after a while I lost an erection. I didn't feel confident enough to go on with it so I told her we should stop.

    Currently I don't know how much harm I did with porn lately.
    I will be with the first girl tonight so I will see how my body will react.
    Also, I still didn't regain my morning wood and my libido is still low - thats what worries me the most.

    All in all - not really good and still concernd.
     
    Spontifex likes this.
  19. Seems like there's a lot going on in your life. Emotionally and addictionally. And both seem to be corelated. They feed each other. Do you think you could stop acting out for 4 weeks no matter what? 2 weeks? 1 week? Are you doing some practices that help dealing with your emotions? Breathing, meditation, work out, any other?
     

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