My introduction and life story (long post)

Hi all! I'm a 27 yr old male, and a current vet school student. PMO has severely impacted my studies, so I'm ready to kick this addiction to the curb.

I've been masturbating to porn since I was 11. Not long after, I entered into a sexual relationship with my friend with whom I first discovered porn. All while telling each other that we weren't gay. My sexuality has been linked to PMO for years, so I plan on NoFap becoming a part of my new life path, instead of a temporary challenge. I don't see a healthy future for myself that involves P.

I've rarely gone more than 3 days without PMO. In 2016, I was having issues with sexual dysfunction and attributed it to P. That's when I first learned about NoFap, but only abstained in the week prior to seeing my FWB. The longest streak I had was 2 weeks. I started acting out in 2017, masturbating while driving and watching porn while stuck in traffic. These issues stopped when I started vet school in 2018.

Fast forward to Sept 2019: I was forced to withdraw in May due to appendicitis, and so I was a semester behind my friends. I lost my study group, my new study buddy was always behind on her studies, so I started falling behind as well. I started going on longer M binges, originally 1-3 hours long. I decided it was a problem when they got to 5 hours, and I recognized it was getting in the way of my studies. I was able to limit my sessions to under 3 hours, but still used M to avoid studying/going to class.

Nov 1st 2019: My parents called and told me my cat, Nermal, had passed away. I couldn't bring him with me bc he had a heart murmur and was too big to fit under the seat on an airplane, so he stayed with my parents. He suddenly collapsed at home, and he was gone. The grief I felt that night was more intense than any emotion I ever felt before. He was MY cat, no one else's. I adopted him from my clinic after his owner surrendered him. He was a huge part of my motivation in applying to vet school. He kept me pushing forward. I always looked forward to seeing him on breaks. Losing him broke my soul. I didn't have closure. I didn't know what happened to him, my parents waited 2 days before telling me so it was too late for an autopsy. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye.

Shut myself inside for about 4 days. I didn't talk to anyone. When I wasn't blaming myself, crying or sleeping, I was masturbating to porn for 10 hours each day for the next 4 days. I now realize I was using extended P binges to cope with the grief. I went out and made sure I was with friends every day after that to cope with the grief.

I didn't binge again until February 2021. I felt a connection with a guy I met doing research and asked him to hang out on a Friday. Not explicitly a date (was afraid how he'd respond to that), but we did go out for a beer and hang out at my apartment for a couple hours. I didn't want sex, but I expected things to turn sexual. Neither of us initiated anything sexual and it ended on a good note. After he left, I thought I ruined that potential relationship bc I felt he expected things to turn sexual as well. We didn't talk after that and the following week, I binged for 12 hours each day, Mon-Fri. We were in fully online lectures, so I still attended, but had them on in the background. I realized I was in trouble when I said to myself "I'm free," following the Thursday binge, and the inability to stop myself from binging on Friday.

I started therapy in March because I was severely depressed, and was even becoming dysphoric after binging. She helped me ID a lot of triggers, risky situations and strategies to restructure my thoughts. I put blockers on every device I own, gave my phone to an accountability buddy, and was no longer admin of my own laptop. I still wasn't able to make it past 5 days without relapsing.

I hit a major wall last weekend: I had a mock surgery exam that week, and I received a zero on it. My next exam was on Monday and instead of using the weekend to study, I spent each day, Fri-Sun, binging on PM for 12+ hours.

12am Sunday, I came out of the binge still stressed, still hurting, unable to figure out how to change. I spoke at length to my therapist about the what, but I was missing the how. I was wasting my time and money on therapy without using any of her strategies to recover. I was letting her down, and letting myself down. I was broken, backed into a corner, and still had a week's worth of material to learn before my exam. It was too late at night to call anyone for help or reassurance. So I stayed up until my exam at 11am, studying and going through practice questions.

I made a breakthrough before the exam, while deleting P bookmarks: I found a NoFap thread I'd bookmarked 4 years ago. "What you MUST read to get the right mindset to stop PMO once for all" ---->>> https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...right-mindset-to-stop-pmo-once-for-all.25499/

I read it and took their words to heart. It completely changed my approach to recovery. I wrote out my goals and vision, both short and long term. I work towards those goals daily, and even putting daily goals within that framework. Giving them urgency, and making sure everything I do that day is in service of one of those goals.

I am now on day 6(!!!!!) PMO-free and this whole week was incredible. My mood was better than it had been in months, I felt more resilient, and more aware of how deeply this addiction is rooted in my brain. I had another practical exam on Friday, and I realized I had gotten a few questions wrong while moving to the final station. I was able to stop cursing at myself and calling myself an idiot, telling myself, "You're not done yet, stay calm and focused so you can crush this last part. Don't give in to negativity yet." It worked, and I went home feeling relief and happiness. I was alone for a couple hours, a very vulnerable time for me, and didn't PMO. I went out for drinks with my friends to celebrate our completion of the is exam we'd all been dreading.

Stronger negative emotions will come up, and having a community to turn to when I'm faced with the possibility of a relapse is an invaluable resource. While I learn to handle and embrace my negative emotions, I'll remember to come here for inspiration and support whenever I need it.

Peace, friends!

~Felhound