The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Day 10 checking in!

 

Day 0 - Nazgûl

Since Thursday around 3pm, I have relapsed four or five times, and MO'd without P once, about an hour ago (though I set the counter to 7pm (or about 30 minutes ago) because I jumped right into the icy cold shower after MO'ing to try to break this damn chaser effect that has gotten ahold of me since I last posted. My grief is subsiding, but I am finding that I am rather short with people right now, and in no mood for conversation. All I feel like doing is sitting around and moping, but that only will amplify things and continue my binge. I finally folded my laundry from last Sunday after it sat in the hamper for about six days. I will do another load tomorrow, but I have no intention of letting dirty laundry gather on my floor all this coming week. Additionally, I am going to start making my bed in the mornings again so that I have no excuse to lay back down after getting up.

I have been reading everyday, and I have been trying to write everyday, though I need to make a couple changes to part 2 of my book before I continue. I am about 30 pages into part 2 and I just introduced the main antagonist of this part (though I had no idea they would be the main antagonist, but the plot was starting to stall, and I needed to follow up on a thread from part one whilst making way to the ultimate villain in part 3. He is one of the heroes at this point, so I need to figure out how to have him fall by the time of part 3 and 4.

I have been working with this recovery coach for porn recovery, who has helped dozens of guys give up porn. He has an interesting philosophy on things, one of which is that his system breaks down porn use in steps. Week one involves the individual living their life, if they relapse, they relapse, but they should not feel shame about it. Instead, they should make notes on what occurred during those relapses. Week two involves identifying a pattern in your use of pornography, and identify the keyword that is the most triggering/your go to type of porn. You can do whatever you want for the rest of the week, but you cannot search this keyword/type of porn. I am definitely feeling a little incredulous as most people I know say you have to quit cold turkey, but as I have tried cold turkey along with a whole bunch of other stuff that has cost hundreds of dollars only to make it a month or so, I am going to try this. I have talked to other men who have worked with him, and they have all stated that he is a genius and that they no longer have any cravings to look at porn (and for those thinking I have been fooled, I assure you I did a lot of research into this guy and he is a licensed recovery coach, who has, as he says, an unintuitive approach to things). If in the next few weeks things don't improve, I will reevaluate, but this is the last program I will try (it is actually the cheapest program costing $97 one time, for a 30 minute weekly meet, support, and some other benefits, so if this does not work, I am not putting any more money down, and I will try my own way.)

Best,
Mathman1994

 

391 days

 

Day 0, one of the Nazgul.

I've been working long shifts this week and haven't much felt like getting on NoFap in the evenings. That mindset is showing in my progress, or lack thereof. Part of my absence was also shame and frustration, since I've been stuck in a serious period of regression. Nearly every day this week has been a "reset," so that there are hardly any streaks to speak of. Not a great place to be, emotionally or physically.

Tomorrow I move into the seminary where, God willing, I'll be studying for the next six years. There's always a minor amount of stress and anxiety associated with such a change, including the process of collecting all the things I want to take and packing them. My hope is that a change of pace, a new routine, and a new set of friends and community will help me move past the phase of my life where I'm addicted to PMO. I guess all I can do is wait and see.

 

Day 0,

A reset. Time to get back on the horse

 

Oh men let's get back stronger

Day 8 - Uruk

 

Yes I have removed energy drinks from my life.

Day 23

 

DAY 15 SUNDAY.INDEPENDENCE SOON.

 

2 days

 

Day 2

Going well, I’m not sure what else to say. I’m still focusing on having a really good morning routine and it’s already making a difference.

Today I thought about maybe stating home instead of going to study in public because of Covid, but after a couple of minutes I realize that was just an excuse. So now I’m in public with a list of good things to do today.

I really need to think about some form of rewards or fun activities for myself, something to push me from a positive place and not just the “will to be a better person”.

I’m sorry man, but you did amazing!

The next couple of days would be hell. Even if it’s not fun, just don’t let yourself fall again. Do what you can so stay safe and away from your phone for as much as possible. Fishing would be a one way ticket to binging.

But still, look at this thing for what it is. You did great! Keep it up.

 

75 days.

Working, walking, some meditation and an overall feeling like I'm in control of my urges.

 

397 days dwarf king
473 days no PMO, semen retention

 

Day 3

Messing around, playing with fire, not doing what I say (to myself) I need and want to do. Some distractions but I need to focus!
Hopefully this helps: that I talk to myself, write it out and tell you as well. Ok, what are the next steps? Today is Sunday and I can't do very much (it seems). It's family time and most of the time it's not about me.
However I need to look after myself. I think whatever I do, I can do something. Walk with grace, focus, watch the path and don't walk astray. Something like that.

recovery:
I have thought about some rules I need, but never put them into practice. It's time to write them down.
Rules:

1. bed is only for sleeping

- not even reading! I can lay down to read but when I go into bed, I'll sleep and nothing else
- not even listen to a podcast! It's nice to fall into sleep while listening to an audio book but that means I use devices when in bed. Also it's better to be able to get to sleep without any aids.
​

2. during the night: no devices near the bed and never use devices

- only the phone can be in the same room to wake me up. I'll set the alarm before going to bed and then leave it alone until the alarm rings in the morning.
​

3. cold showers or baths only

- warm shower or bath should be reserved only for special occasion when I was in the cold all day or something like that
​

4. no TV alone

 

Day 15 begins!
“I am very fond indeed of it, and of all the dear old Shire; but I think I need a holiday.”

 

7
You only move forward in everything in life. Losses, bad days, rejections, people, mistakes, weakness, failures, relapses, name it.

 

Day 5! Going strong!

 

Day 1! I made it through the first day and it was super easy. No cravings at all... It would be so nice if everyday could be like this but I know this won´t be the case. So I just enjoy the easy ride I had up until now whilst keeping mindful at the same time. I want to become an Elf so bad.

 

Day 174 no PMO. I’m starting to feel like “I” have this figured out. That is when I usually fall down. I need to continue to dedicate my thoughts and my actions to God so I can stay the path. No urges yesterday. Went to the pool but didn’t focus too long on any of the bodies there. When I saw something I liked I just quickly bounced my eyes.

 

Day 30

 

Day 103 full of bad urges, tried to get hydrated after morning coffee but whatever water I drank(1ltr) went out nearly straight away and more. Think I went for a slash 15-20 times until noon. Bloody good coffee.