A Tribute to Burner1 / Remember to Pay it Forward!

PLEASE READ: Before we begin, I want to layout some guidelines for this thread, and I hope everyone follows it. Whatever we post, DO NOT mention anything that might give away his identity. This is an anonymous site (the reason we are all here). I am thankful that most people here are good people, and I personally have not dealt with a single troll. That said, we need to continue to honor and value that code of anonymity on this site. I know we are aching to know what happened (and who he was), but it is not right to go looking into it and expose his identity on a public forum here. Please abide by this, or this thread will be shut down (which I hope will not be needed).

What we do know is that Burner1 is guardian angel to many. This is how he should be honored and remembered!

I always found writing threads on this site has been therapeutic and helped me process my thoughts. This is by far the hardest one I have to write. Since last year, many of us left messages on Burner1’s profile, but the character limit on the wall posts is simply not enough for my thoughts.

It's been a year since our guardian angel has last visited this site. After speaking with a few of you, it's amazing how much he did for many others here. He went great lengths for many people, and never once expected anything in return. He has helped me get through some of the darkest times in my life. I was digging a very deep hole, and he reached out to me and pulled me out. This great man cared, he really did.

Anyone who has worked with Burner1, read through some of your oldest messages with him. Look how far you came because of the kindness of this great man. I encourage everyone to share what’s on their mind. I will share how he stuck with me through my ups and downs, and how he was with me as I turned my life around. I am also hoping that his kindness will inspire us to go out and change the lives of others for the better.

I started working with him back in Jan 2017. I posted my first thread about my first relapse, and that is where he reached out to my personally. As a newbie on this site, I was naturally unsure about how could I possibly find a good AP here, but Burner1 did just that.

We connected right away and became instant AP's. He brought a light to my life in a moment of darkness.

My early messages were filled with negativity. I was a grad school dropout, reduced working a min wage job, and I lived with my parents. I lost a lot of confidence and motivation. My friends were all working their dream jobs, living on their own, getting married, having babies, going on dream vacations, etc…

I was a 2xPMO/day/everyday guy for 8 years (ages 18-26). Failing out of grad school certainly didn’t help that fight. I PMO'd early morning AND late night. So much time and energy wasted. It was a total mystery to my parents how I would wake up exhausted despite “sleeping” for 10 hours a night… I gained weight, didn’t think highly of myself, and PMO was my drug of choice.

There is no limit on what we talk about, and that is what really helped me keep going. I went through hell with my PMO addiction, as well as in life. He picked me up and encouraged me to keep going on this journey. I have burst into tears IMMEDIATELY after relapsing more times than I would like to remember. After I wrote to him telling him what just happened, he was there for me, and he assured me that it was going to be alright… and boy, he was right!

Burner1 helped me through a lot of tough times… drama at home, the job search, struggling to date… Throughout those years, I managed to transform for the better. I got into the greatest shape of my life, I got my first real job at age 27. I ended up back in grad school, and this time I finished! I even had my first gf (and an ugly breakup).

Looking back on my first few messages with him in 2017 (feels like ages ago), it really is amazing how far I came in life. Those messages are filled with things like how I was depressed / angry at the world… no confidence whatsoever… thinking I wrecked my “thing” (which I totally did during the 2x/day phase, but it has healed since)…

Also, the relapses… messages like “I don’t know how I am going to make it through today. This relapse hurts. This really hurts.” Nevertheless, he assured me that everything was going to be okay. I didn't believe it back then, but he was ultimately right!

As mentioned, I went back to grad school. I have graduated this last spring. Finishing this last year without him was really tough. I am sad that I never got to chat with him during my final year as I was coming to an end in this journey. I always looked forward to that message, “You did it! I am so proud of you Lil Bro!”

Some closing thoughts. Burner1 was a big brother to me. The big brother I never had and always wanted. I wouldn't be where I am today if he didn't reach out to me. I made one post about my first relapse and that's when we started talking.

I once told him that one of my goals is to pay it forward and someday be to someone what he was for me. I don't even want to imagine where I would be if he never reached out to me. We all miss Burner1, but there's no question he left quite an impact and changed many of our lives. Think about others here whose shoes we have previously been in. Not all of us are where we want to be, but we are at least not where we used to be, and that is because of great people here like Burner1. There will be a day when you will have a chance to help someone like Burner1 helped you. Pay it forward! There is no better way to honor him than to continue his work.

I myself have gained a new AP since. Special shoutout to you, Aengel! I am blessed you reached out to me, and I could not imagine this last year without you. Proud of what you have accomplished and look forward to the many more amazing things you are going to be doing in your life!

Burner1, we love you. We miss you. Thank you for everything you have done. We'll take it from here, and we will keep making you proud!

Sir, it has been a privilege to fly with you!

 

Thank you both for reading!

Yes, he was an amazing AP! He has beaten 500+ days of PMO-free, and yet he stuck around to help others here. Not a day goes by where I (and many others here) don't miss him.

I have worked with many people here who have disappeared, not able to check-in, gave up, etc... but this was not like him to disappear for over a week without warning. He has gone on vacations, had family emergencies, etc... but he always came back. It's now been exactly a year since he last signed in here. I would like to think he has retired from here (which he very well deserved!!!), but it is unlikely. I can't even bring myself to say the exact words, but at this point, there is no other explanation other than "something happened"... and he isn't coming back...

I was compelled to write this because he made a huge impact on my life and many others. Since his last visit to this site, a lot of us who worked with him connected in the last year (through wall-posts on his profile). I am very grateful for who I have met since.

It is a unique situation to suddenly lose an anonymous AP I have "met" on NF. If that has happened to you, how have you coped with it? I personally found the strength by keeping his words of wisdom in mind. This man cared that we live a happy and fulfilling lives. I intend to keep making him proud every day. Even though he "disappeared" from here, all the help he has given, all the work... no doubt it'll be lasting impacts. I will continue my fight against PMO, and not let it bring me down! And someday (whenever that day comes), even when I do finally get control of my "urges", I have no plans of retiring from NF. Like him, I will especially remain here as long as possible to help others. I was a 2xPMO/day/everyday guy for 8 years. Despite my occasional relapses (see my counter/signature), I have been doing way better than I ever was in life, thanks largely to him and many good people here. I promise to continue his work!

I will never forget Burner1, an AP, a mentor, a brother, a friend. Never expected anything in return except for us to succeed in life. There is no way to thank our battle buddies enough for what they have done for us. But what you can do is to pay it forward!