[90-CHALLENGE] THE NINETY DAYS CHALLENGE !

Well it has been an unbelievably crap fews days but... still no PMO so haven't made it worse. 80/90

 

Day 12 done

 

Relapsed, again. I made it to day 7. I feel both angry and embarrassed of myself because I know much better than this. I'ts just this pattern of stupid habits where one thing leads to another ..every ..single ..time.. I have improved in many ways but still there's more work to do. It's like you know from Day 0 that you're going to fail. Before I made it to 124 I was so fed up with my problems that I made a decision to stick with the plan no matter what I felt. Than plan healed my problems, but not completely because I made the wrong choice at day 124 to end my streak. I have tried to avoid technology but I still have to use it, it's our modern world, it is what it is. The internet is bombarding you with images and I feel tired by it. Combine that with loneliness + high speed internet and you have a recipe for a miserable life. Will I fail again? It sure feels like I don't have the same level of determination as 6 months ago. But that doesn't mean I can't do it. It's just all about choice, I always have the choice. Bit it's like you can't think logically when the "habits" star to kick in. The only thing that seem to work is to not use any computer, phone or screen at all. It improves my sleep like nothing else. But once I sit down with a laptop it's over after a couple of days and back to square one. Long sittings will lead to realpse and it's bad for your lower parts. Combined with technology it will lead to a relapse.

I am in a period in my life where I feel down (why wouldn't I?). I have "obsessive thoughts" or I'm fixating on things. Not necessarly s*ual but other things. This intense focus on things doesn't really matter that much but it's a way to cope with feelings/thoughts that I don't like but it only makes things worse. I have a problem with moderation and I have trouble to know when to stop doing things. I can be really good at learning things because I can hyper-focus on things I'm interested in. This can trigger a relapse because addictions is like a chain associated with obsessions.

The only thing that work against this "OCD" like thought-pattern is exercise, socialising, getting up early, going to bed early, eat at right times, cold showers, avoid technology, and being out in nature. Even thou I've been in this vicious circle for 45+ days of relapses every 5-7 day the good side it's only been once ever 5-7 days. And another good side is that I can't watch the gross stuff anymore because I healed during my 124 streak. This is all about mind tricking itself and dopamine imbalances and has nothing to do with what you really want, or what you really need in life. It's funny how one silly thing can mean so much to you but after 6 months it it's worthless to you and you couldn't care less.
Those 124 days was not always happy days but when I felt well I was in a totally differen world and I want to get back to that world as soon as possible. P is never enough and no se*ual stimulation is enough, it's just never is and I have to realise this.

If you are on a longer streak my advice is: KEEP DOING IT. A relapse will mean nothing and you will get disppointed.

 

14/90

 

DÍA 6 !!!
Vaya, estoy muy feliz. Quisiera contar una experiencia que tuve y quisiera saber que piensan: Estaba como en el día 4 y todo estaba normal hasta que me fui a dormir. Al día siguiente me desperté normal, pero de la nada recordé que me masturbé. Sentí tristeza y un poco de confusión porque no recordaba haber hecho eso. Me puse ha recordar todo mi día anterior, y efectivamente, no lo había hecho. Luego recordé que en la noche no podía dormir por que quería tocarme, al final pude dormir tranquilamente y todo salió bien. Creo que cuando estaba durmiendo mi mente creo ese ambiente como un sueño y por eso es que al día siguiente pensé que ayer lo había hecho, Quisiera saber si a alguien también le pasó algo parecido. No actualicé hace dos días porque pos me olvidé pero he mejorado mucho. Ahora ya no tengo esos tipos de deseos con frecuencia. Sé que voy a llegar a superar esto por completo. También espero que todos los que están aquí puedan superarlo en su debido tiempo. VAMOS TODOS PODEMOS !! ¡¡LUCHANDO!!

 

@Ice22
Freud once said that certain people need a tyrant in life to drive them on and his was psychiatry. I agree with that sentiment totally. I think certain people (of which I am certainly one) have an addictive, almost obsessive, personality and there is point in trying to oppress it but rather make it work for them. Find a healthy addiction/obsession so to speak.
I personally could never succeed in doing a total digital detox programme without at least checking in on here daily. For me it helps my focus and I find it quite stimulating seeing how other people on here cope with having similar addictions to myself. It enables me to stay purposeful and positive.

I get the impression that you and I are very much in if not in the same boat, a very similar one. Though obviously what works for me wouldn't necessarily work for you and Vise Versa

 

Day 20.
Today I had my exam so didn't do anything productive.

 

Day 5. Was eating watermelon as reward, I don,t eat it every day , even if I like it.

@Ice22
Maybe it,s about the journey. And I porns are bad, but we still have a sexual drive, you just can,t turn it off or cut your thing off xD.


I want try out what happens If I make 30 days but then I allow it myself to do it. Usually I don,t allow myself, but I feel guilt someday, because my urge wins sooner or later . But what will happen If I just let me how I,m.
You told that you feel angry and embarrassed but what I notice is: that the feelings themselfs are the problem. I want to let them go. But If I say : NEVER AGAIN ! and I lose the challange someday, they come back again. It,s a circle. Because I want to force myself never to do it again and to be perfect.

 

This sh*t is HELL and I am going to get out of this hell it in som way. I am absolutely tired of this sh*t.
Yeah I need to forgive myself and walk the path to freedom. I will go Offline now for a while. I know I have the tools to succeed because it was worse before and I made it to 124 days, so let's go!
I wish you all the best. I hope someday we can all be completely free som the poison. Good Luck!

 

@Ice22
I know what you are going through in regard to feeling like a prisoner of your own vices and respect your decision. I think it's a shame though. You have a lot of interesting insights and experiences to contribute to the site. I hope you change your mind but if not good luck.

 

Day 65

 

Day 3

 

67/90. We can do this.

 

Day 17 and 18/90

Didn't check in yesterday! God loves you!

 

Haven't been here for a while but going strong. Day 12

 

Day 47

 

Day 4

 

Day 2 ...

 

0/90 Restarting

 

Checking in

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