Daily check-up

Hey ya'll,

I goofed up today and sinned once more. I am going to pray to God in repentance and for forgiveness. Also, I have seen a lot of people do this and want to give it a try; I am going to post in this thread every day at night to rate how I'm feeling and to keep my eyes fixed on purity. I will rate four different aspects on a 1-10 scale: Temptation, Perseverance, stress, & boredom. Stress and boredom because this is when I am more prone to watch pornography, and the other two because I want to make sure I am self-aware so that I can properly guard myself against spiritual attacks of the flesh.

Anyone is welcome to participate with me. I will begin tonight!

 

Day 1
Temptation - 1, Perseverance 5, Stress - 7, Boredom - 1

Temptation wise, today was really good. Stress was high because a lot is going on at work and I'm a bit anxious about it. Today I went to work, then went straight to the gym, then went to my weekly young adult night at my church, so I was too busy to really be bored, which is good because typically when I am stressed out I use porn as an escape from life. So maybe if I feel like my stress is high, then I should make sure my boredom is low, and if my perseverance/motivation is high, it's okay if my boredom is higher.

All in all, today was good.

 

I have adopted tons of new hobbies since moving cities 6 months ago. The past week or so, the thing that I have been turning to in boredom has been reading. I am currently reading a book called "Stewards of Eden", which I am really enjoying and learning a lot about how my passions for protecting Gods creation are associated with His word in scripture. Another thing that I will turn to is working out, since it takes up a lot of time and motivates me I think it is helpful. Other then that I will just think of something that I feel like doing in the moment or will try texting some friends to make plans a few days before when I know I will be bored.

 

Day 2

Temptation - 6, Perseverance - 4, Boredom - 10, Stress - 10

Yesterday was rough, a lot came down on me mentally and I felt consumed with stress. I'm gonna be completely honest, my life sucks at the moment: I have a solid community at my church and hang out with people regularly throughout the week, but I live alone in a city where I have no family and I didnt grow up in, so I go home to nobody and on some days have absolutely no plans set up aside from going to the gym and eating; so I've been trying to shake this lonely feeling. Another thing is my job. I graduated college recently with an environmental science degree and prayed for a job for months after that (while working 2 odd jobs to make money) and when I finally got a job offer I thought about it for a few days, looked into the area, and felt that God was gonna do something great with me here so I took it. I have been super grateful for it, but I just am not passionate about it, and want to do what I love, plus work is really stressful and busy right now. A lot of other stuff was on my mind aside from this, and last night I just broke down in tears on my floor, praying to God in the dark, staring at the ceiling. And as I was laying there thinking of how much pain I'm going through right now, I thought of the verse:

"In this life you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world."

And I thought about how much more weight this verse has now than when I was a 17 year old kid just starting a relationship with God. I now understand more of the weight of pain that comes with this life, especially right now. But then I thought of the second portion of the verse, "but take heart, I have overcome the world", and I thought, wow. Jesus literally went through this type of pain during his walk on earth. He, the God that created the universe, walked this earth and overcame it. And He died on a cross so that I could overcome it too. He also gave me the holy spirit, so that I would not have to be alone in this pain. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am secure and protected and comforted by my creator. That feels good. I never understood it until now.

 

Day 3

Temptation - 5, Perseverance - 10, Boredom - 1, Stress - 3

I was only tempted when I scrolled through instagram and saw eluding pictures of girls on the explore page. I need to stay off of that app, because I know that the moment I am feeling weak, that will be my downfall. I will work on controlling where my eyes attract to. I felt very motivated and perseverant today. I got a lot done at work, met with a friend after work to smoke cigars, did some errands, then read some of my book. I also talked to a lot of different people today. So I wasn't bored. I was only stressed for a little bit at work because I couldn't figure something out. Other than that it was a solid day.

 

I agree, this is exactly how I feel when I'm working on my drone photography. Thank you for the encouragement.

 

Day 4 and 5

I'm really tired and don't feel like rating everything (and honestly can't even remember most of the stuff I did yesterday) but it has been pretty good. Today I stayed busy for most of the day, but I did wake up and felt terrible. I was feeling a little sad because I didnt have plans setup with anybody, so I was tempted to look at pornography. But instead I went and road my bike to this hipster/coffee shop/skateboard ministry/thrift store that I like to go to, bought a hat, talked to the dude who was working there, and road around for a few minutes then went home, and I felt a lot better after that. Then I decided I wanted to go to this lake that I was told had good fishing, so I loaded up my kayak and went there and did some kayaking/fishing and it was nice being with God in his creation. I honestly didn't even mind that I was alone. Then I came back, relaxed for a little, and went to my friends house for cigars. All around, it was good day. I've realized that I love doing things; I have ADHD so I'm a busy body. So when I do something that tires me out (like kayaking for hours) I like that feeling of knowing that I did enough that day, if that makes sense. So then I can relax alone without feeling guilty about it.

 

Day 7

Temptation - 7, Perseverance - 10, Boredom - 6, Stress - 1

I was tempted today a when I was scrolling through Instagram and saw some revealing pictures of girls. The thought of watching pornography came into my mind but I think I've just gotten to the point where I know that it won't help me at all so I don't even bother. I've been in the trenches recently and have been depressed and yesterday I came to the conclusion that part of the reason I'm feeling depressed and like nothing can satisfy me is because for so long I relied on pornography to solve my problems and to be my 'satisfier', so now that I am withholding myself from it, my brain is seeking pleasure and satisfaction from somewhere. My brain has memorized this pattern of sadness -> seek pleasure, sadness -> seek pleasure, sadness -> seek pleasure.

Perseverance was high today because I have been walking through a time of sadness and grief, but am learning what it means to have joy - responding to external circumstances with inner contentment and steadfastness - and that this joy comes by asking God. Today at the gym I was thinking that there is something admirable about being good when things are not good. As it says in scripture, I have learned to be content in all circumstances. I feel like I am currently learning this, it's like I've accepted that things suck, but am following god and doing good in His name regardless. It's a good feeling. I was somewhat bored today but was not stressed out.

 

Day 14

Temptation - 1, Perseverance - 10, Boredom - 3, Stress - 3

Sorry I've been slacking on this lately guys, but I'm still going strong. Stronger than ever actually. I'm not very tempted at all, although I must admit that I have sinned in that I've looked at women lustfully a few times, but even when this happens I have no interest in PMOing. I am starting to learn to handle my stress and loneliness by relying on the Lord and leaning on Him more. Things have really sucked recently, 2 nights ago I was feeling this aching in my soul, this great grief from everything going on in life, and I just completely broke down. I sat in my room in the dark and just prayed Lord, if you took my life from me, I don't think I would even care. It made me think of Elijah's prayer in the wilderness. I was reminded of this, and I sat for a bit longer talking to God, and then I got up and made food and went to sleep.

But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” 5 And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” 6 And he looked, and behold, there was at his head a cake baked on hot stones and a jar of water. And he ate and drank and lay down again. 7 And the angel of the Lord came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.” 8 And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God.

But I feel like my relationship with God is stronger than ever, even though I am at my weakest. I feel closer to Him. Like when I speak to him I can actually feel that connection with him. I'm also learning to be more content in bad situations. Today I worked and that went pretty well and then I went to this nature park and studied the word in my hammock, so I haven't been bored today. Work was stressful at times but not too terrible.

 

Day 21​

Temptation - 8, perseverance - 2, boredom - 7, stress - 7

Update from missed days: temptation has been low to non-existent recently. Perseverance has been off and on, but pretty high for the most part. Boredom has been lower the past week or so since I’ve been spending a lot of time with friends. And stress hasn’t been too high.

Temptation today has been high. Work was stressful and I was tired and unmotivated to do anything really. I was bored today because work sucked and i had nothing to look forward to afterwards other than the gym. I’ve been spending more time with a friend and I asked her on a date the other night, but she’s gone on a trip for the next week or so, so the waiting is really stressing me out cause it’s all I’m thinking about, idk if that’s normal or not. Hopefully I can stop thinking about it so much and just continue being content. I’ve found that every time I’m doing fine on my own, I start dating someone, anxiety comes, and the peace that I had leaves. It’s probably just because I’m nervous for the beginning of the relationship, but I do really enjoy being with her and she follows Jesus strongly. Today was really stressful and full of anxiety, so I was tempted to turn to porn for satisfaction, but I’m going to just push through it, embrace the grief, and pray.

 

Also I can’t believe I’ve made it this far, almost a month! And it won’t stop there.