How porn and excessive masturbation destroyed me

Hi everyone, I've been thinking of posting here for 6 days and finally gathered up the courage to do it. This is also my first post here. Some info about me - I am 24 years old from India and have a full time job.I have been single all my life and never dated anyone.I come from a religious family but I am an atheist for 4-5 years. I am not good looking and also overweight. I am introvert and shy and also have social anxiety/disinterest/fear.

I came across this subreddit around 15 months ago and thought of taking up the nofap challenge, but could not go further than 4 days and the forgot all about it.

Note- This is going to be very long. I discovered masturbation on my own at very early age, probably somewhere before the age of 5-7. I used to rub my penis between my legs and push it with my hand against my legs to gain pleasure, although at that age I did not get the feeling of orgasm and only felt the buildup to it. After sometime I stopped doing it. At the age of 10 I came across an erotic dance video while changing channels on TV while alone and felt something down there. But I don't remember if I started fapping since then or not. The thing I remember clearly is that I started doing it again around when I was 11 years old, using erotic and sexy music/dance videos. I also started fapping to pics of actresses and models in women's magazine which my mom had. I used to do this all in secret. Once I came across a magazine which had an article about why men like watching porn? and is it ok to watch it?(How Ironic!) I got curious and searched for porn pictures on google on pc, and this way I got introduced to porn. Soon I started browsing these pornographic pics on mobile phone too.

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I would also like to share one specific incident that makes me sick of myself from that time.

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I was searching and viewing porn on the phone and then my little sister (5-6 yrs old then) started disturbing me and asking me to give her phone so she could play games or something like that. I got angry in that moment and hit her in the back. She started crying and cried for around 2-3 minutes. I felt guilty of what I did. Although I did not fully realize at that what I did at that time because I was 11. I now understand that it was nothing less than domestic violence, maybe even worse. Whenever I remember this incident I start to cry.

Since I got access to internet, I never stopped watching porn or masturbating. When I was 14 yrs old, I started doing it daily. At the age of 17, my mom somehow found out that I had porn videos in my phone. She told me to stop watching these things and said that I would get to do these things when I am of right age. I should have listened to her.I kept doing it when I was in college/university. I did it almost 1-2 times everyday on average.I did not have much interest in girls but I had some crushes. I never had crush on anyone since then till now. Today, I don't even have a close female friend because of being introvert and never going out to gatherings, college club activities because of social anxiety/disinterest. Another interesting thing is that I was very extroverted in my childhood before being addicted to masturbation. It is not like I don't want a real girl in my life but for most of these past years, I didn't feel much urge for it. But since last year, I started feeling really alone and wanted some kind of emotional/romantic attachment with someone.

In the pandemic, things got worse and I started fapping 2-3 times a day. Due to my abnormal technique of masturbation(which I mentioned earlier) , I found it difficult to fap with erect penis, so I did it with semi-erect to almost flaccid penis countless number of time all these years, and because of my strange technique my penis is now bent forwards when erect. Also size of my penis(including girth) is quite small when erect and when flaccid, which is maybe also caused by excessive PMO(not sure about this).
Some days ago I came across videos of a urologist on IG who was talking about addiction of masturbation and its bad effects when having sex. I watched his videos and then realized I might not be able to ever have sex in real life due to problems I mentioned earlier and thus I might never be in a relationship. I knew that I had to stop it once and for all. Since I stopped, I deleted around 120 GB of porn stash and around 2000+ saved posts of Models etc. on IG and unsubscribed to all NSFW subreddits.

I have realized that I destroyed so many years of my life just to get a momentary pleasure. At this stage of my life, when I should be in a relationship and losing my virginity like my friends, I don't even know any female. I am not even sure anymore if I will ever be in a relationship and feel loved. After the things I have done in my past, I don't think If I deserve any love and kindness let alone a physical relationship. I had also thought of killing myself in future , But I don't think I'll be able to pull it off, because if I did that I'll just seriously hurt my family for my selfish reasons. So I have decided I'll face whatever the life throws at me while trying to improve myself from now on.

To all my younger brothers out there, Take my story as a warning and please stop watching porn and stop excessive masturbation if you don't want to end up like me. Don't destroy your body, your mind and your life for momentary pleasure.

I am not here for a challenge like 21 days, 30 days or 90 days because I have decided that I will never ever go back to watching porn and fapping. And the next time I will ejaculate will be when I am with a girl who loves me, no matter how long it takes. (and if that does not ever happen,then I guess I'll never have an orgasm).

Death to PORN!!!

P.S. - Thanks to anyone who is going to read all of this.