Trying to understand

I thought I posted a response, but apparently not. If I may ask and I know this is a very personal question, with all that is going on with him, why did you conceive a child? Please don't take offense. I just want to understand your mindset here.

 

My only advice is DO NOT deal with this alone, you too need a support network just like he has - when I kept my fiancés addiction to myself it drove me absolutely insane the feelings of loneliness are unbearable.

He can't expect you to deal with this alone because of the shame cycle he is in - that is just disheartening, why can he get all the support for this affliction and you have to suffer with something you never chose?

Trust just doesn't materialise from nowhere it is earned and he needs to earn your trust by showing you that he is willing to change and you seeing it for your own two eyes!

Do not lose hope, reach out to your friends and family - you need to help yourself now, you are important and you deserve to feel loved and worthy <3

 

This is not an easy answer. I conceived our 4th child after about a month of our first dday. We had some life stuff going on related to grief and then that coupled with all the sudden honesty, emotion (when there had been none), sharing, openness, lack of secrets, etc. all ignited a bond that had been there from the beginning. It is easy to forget that a significant other has had her ongoing need for intimacy, for sexuality for a deep bond - and that all of a sudden when that is met it is very easy to want to be intimate physically with your spouse. And sometimes all it takes is one time. I thought I was in a safe window and that the stress from both the betrayal and another aspect of grief that was happening simultaneously, was enough that I was certain I had not ovulated. Nope. In the end it has been good, the pregnancy protected me, my body protected me and at the time when I could have felt so alone that I may have done something horrible, I had my baby to bond to and find solace in.

In a side note, to any woman experiencing betrayal trauma who is pregnant, I would prepare emotionally for some more crap to hit you a few months after baby is born. I was hit with a wall of processing about 3 months after birth, when hormones started shifting back and my body knew that processing my grief and anger fully would no longer be harmful to my baby. I had been worried that I would struggle in labor, but it turns out my body dissociated to protect me, and held on to process later. It may not happen to everyone, but I wanted to put this here in case other women experience the same.