dream journal

I dreamt something I didn’t want to happen was happening. I was so against it I yelled No in my dream and woke up. I don’t remember so clearly right now but I’ll write my journal earlier tomorrow to get down any dreams more accurately.


Interpretation: I’m standing up for myself more now. But learning to do it in an assertive non violent way. Because I was ready to say no strongly in the dream but wasn’t intending to harm anyone.

Did 8m Japa yesterday and slept through without any lustful thoughts.

I have an abundance of all the good that life has to offer

I sit in a dark pool

It’s warm here

The bottom is sandy

But clean enough that it doesn’t kill me

Others sit here

Laughing talking doing the things

we were told not to do

I get sick

I get out

The people in a new pool call to me

 

I had a dream with a naked woman trying to give me a hug. I think it’s because I watched my hero academia which has some more revealing images than dragonball.

that’s okay. I’m trying to limit my anime time to weekends 1-3 episodes and do an extra 5m of Japa to balance it out. Once I get my copy of Brahmacharya just reading a page of that a day is enough to keep my chastity.

Trying not to complain

just meditate

and read on breaks

wish I had a

hard case for my book

I have a soft lunchbox



The seeds of survival are planted

in me through

generations of Chinese

who lived and died

of starvation

poverty

and sickness

And my mind says

all I want to do is get by

 

I work with my supervisor. We learn how to do useful things. Get therapy. My supervisor is old and she bangs her husband in a car in plain sight of me and my friend. She says happy birthday to him in rhythm.

I’m with my old friend. He says buy this stock like thing. And we buy and I’m up almost double in a matter of months. His mom tells him off in Chinese. I don’t know the words but I know she’s saying. Go to school treat your girlfriend well make money don’t waste all your time on having fun etc.

I just wish my old friends cared about me enough to help me. Help me do something good with my life like they were doing. Instead of pushing me to do substances instead. Only one told me to go to rehab. And I did

I tried to stay in touch with him but he kind of noted we live different lives now. He cared enough to try to help me but he could’ve been warmer




Going from slang swearing sex and substances

to professional

is a slow evolution

 

Uhhh

I feel like I can just read pua books

until work

then work

abd read again

until I’m so exhausted

that I crash

then repeat

uhhhh

that’s addict behavior

I’ve seen this exact cycle before

when I was addicted to video games

but it’s like

the knowledge is so useful

intense

it’s like

I’ll do the behavior replacement thing alright

pua content benefits: teaches me how to seduce women make them like me whatever. Teaches me how women think and act and how to tell if they’re interested in me. How to improve my style. What traits women like mentally body language spiritually . Some self esteem and confidence building and so much more

Drawbacks: major addiction issue. Literally up at about midnight writing this when my bedtime is usually 8. Affirmations maybe making me a little hyperaroused so I need more other stuff to sleep ok. Causes me to be more assertive but can also spills over into anger and confrontation . Uhhhhh I went straight from work to reading today. And when I set a timer to stop myself. I went for like hours past the timer which hasn’t happened for a while

observing all the same addict behavior traits I saw before

What can replace this behavior and give the same benefits?

just ride out my last four months of celibacy and start approaching girls and see how it goes without any books or videos . Maybe check in with momi to see what he thinks. Keep working on my fitness style and spirituality. I’ll still be able to get a high quality girl with what knowledge I have so far and through trial and error.

T.T the knowledge was so good though. And I still have 1.5 books in my possession.

Drop all pua things forever. I said if I can’t moderate it Ill get rid of it so I guess it’s time to own those words.

or I could binge 2.5 more books and then call it quits for good on pua stuff.

I wonder if those books would ruin me though. Turn me into a cookie cutter alpha male monstrosity devoid of any authenticity or natural personality.

My true nature

so covered up by

all these things

they said would make me

handsome

am I in here anymore?

or am I just an empty shell?

a gorgeous confident

Masculine

empty

shell



and who would stick around for that?


But a soulless porcelain facade


And the pua mentor said

I feel as if I’ve gained the world but lost my soul




Cut the written affirmations too

 

I dreamt of two girls. They were kind of thick one of them but good looking like my old co worker. The thicker one moved kind of slowly and the other was dancing around. I thought one moves less.

it seemed the moving one was better in some ways and the less moving one was better in others. I woke up and thought about a porn I saw with two girls and that wasn’t good for my mind.

so I decided to start dream journaling again to gain control of my dreams

Interpretation
I think I’m like the slow moving girl. That I’ll eventually move more and it’ll be good. Make me more attractive or something. And that the hot girl has to have more control to not be virulent than the slow mover. Because all that movement causes more heat

 

Lying on my side for ear dips is working wonders with not doing fantasizing

I dreamt something positive. It was like all my concerns came forward. And each one I saw an optimistic outcome for in the future.

 

Something sexual was going on in my dream. And I engaged my pelvic floor. It worked. I briefly woke up. And the sexual urge faded. Then I went back into the dreams. We were at a cinema. my old friend C was there with a wing girl. A asian girl approached them and wanted to talk to his friend. And then the friend setup this asian girl with C. The girl was lying her head on C's lap and he was doing something silly like pretending he was writhin in ecstasy.

She got up and left to pursue some other guy who entered the cinema. And then I looked around and saw. People from my high school in the seats. They were all higher body fat than I remembered them. And I felt I was leaner. Could feel my face didn't have as much fat.

I saw M. For some reason he'd sent me pictures of himself doing all sorts of things. Just a long feed of selfies like instagram. He was this light skinned black guy in good shape. But he wasn't huge. And I wanted to know how to get bigger. I was swearing a good amount in the dream. I'm not sure what that was due to. I don't normally swear.