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Is it even possible to get completely rid of porn?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by ZenAF, Oct 10, 2021.

  1. ZenAF

    ZenAF Fapstronaut

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    I'm writing this thread because I'm not sure if one can remove porn out of their life for good and whether it's necessary. I'd like to read your opinion on that.


    Summary of my experience:
    I've started watching porn when I was 13, I'm almost 30 now. I've categorized myself as an addict four years ago. Since then I've started various NoFap streaks, highest I've got with no PMO at all was 17 days. I had another streak where I allowed myself to look at porn occasionally but never to masturbate to it (also not right after watching). I did that for 310 days.

    My status right now:
    I can see that I'm compulsive about porn use. Because I think too often about it when I'm at home and I want to watch it even when my body isn't horny on it's own, I just force it.

    When I don't restrain myself at all I watch porn at least 6 days a week for around 40min each.

    The compulsiveness lowers my productivity, as I can't focus for longer periods of time on work (at home, office is no problem) without interrupting myself thinking about porn.

    Psychologically speaking, as I learned from my therapist, porn makes men more feminine. Because porn is the seductress, seducing the man. Effectively reversing natures role: Making the man passive and the (fake) woman the active.
    I don't believe that the natural urge to be the active, the seducer, the one who knocks, within a man can be erased by porn. But it can be dampened, reduced. Making my overall attitude less sexy than it could be.


    Did I make any progress over the last four years?
    Yes in various ways. Something I've established clearly is that my sexual performance with my girl is more important to me than the porn high. Which is why I can resist watching porn several days before having sex (we don't live together).
    The majority of porn doesn't get me in a trance-like state anymore when I'm triggered. What used to happen is that my heart starts to pound, I'd feel kinda sick to my stomach and the urge to watch porn would feel almost overwhelming.
    I understand now that a relapse is a choice of mine and the "being overwhelmed" part was a coping mechanism I used to cover up my own choice making.
    So when I do relapse now it's a much more deliberate choice. That doesn't mean that it's easier for me to resist, just that I'm more aware of what I'm doing which prevented me countless times from using porn.


    Why a porn addiction is different to any other addiction:

    The human brain isn't hardwired to desire cocaine or heroine, but it is hardwired to fuck. The natural urge to have sex is mixed in with the unnatural obsession, which makes it hard to separate them. How horny is a healthy un-addicted man on a daily basis? We don't know and have no way to compare.
    Hence it's difficult to measure success and set an appropriate goal with NoFap, in my humble opinion.
    After I'm cured of my addiction, however that might look like, I will and in fact want to still be turned on by porn. Because sexual scenes are supposed to arouse my system, I don't want that to change.

    What do I want to change/What's my goal
    I want to get rid of the compulsion. I want the urge to jerk off to only be there when my body feels naturally horny, which is not 15 times a day and is not every day of the week. I want to be able to focus on a work period at home, at my computer where porn is just 3 seconds away, and not be interrupted by the thought of porn.
    When I'm eventually living with my girlfriend I want to focus 100% of my sex energy on her, unless I'm not going to see her for more than a week.


    Now the big question: Does achieving my goal mean I can never watch porn again? Because I don't care about that absolute abstract goal of "defeating porn". I just care about a good life. If I can have that and I'll still watch porn sometimes, so be it.

    And how many people do you know who quit, never got back to it and live stress free? Is that even possible or did people "merely" manage to push porn to the background, spacing out their relapses by many months or even years.

    The reason I'm asking isn't to find an excuse to watch porn. It's to set the most realistic and appropriate goal possible. Having the right aim is everything.
     
  2. Share The Pain

    Share The Pain Fapstronaut

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    Im going to stop using any porn websites myself also I limit my fetishes to neutral. (No humiliation, gay or extreme fantasies anymore) But I allow myself sexy videos on yt. For now Im not allowing anything becouse Im trying to reboot my brain and get my errect work etc and get back to natural state.
     
  3. Sir Wanksaloot

    Sir Wanksaloot Fapstronaut

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    I've been free for 7 years at this point and if you like I can share my experience in relation to the questions you asked.

    Also wanted to respond to your question about how does a healthy man experience horniness.
    For me at this point it generally comes in waves every other day or week but in a very, VERY different way than before the 7 years. It just feels "healthier". I get carried around by it and enjoy it. It's not like it used to be where I am "driven mad" by it. I meditated a lot on it during my first year and it already changed back then. So that might have something to do with it. I often say that now simply talking with a woman that I find attractive is more fulfilling to me than having sex felt all those years ago.
    Maybe a good way of describing it is that it feels more like a "natural high" (while still being grounded in my body instead of becoming all heady about it) instead of an "unnatural OVERstimulation". Makes sense?

    And it also turns on in a very strong way when I feel very attracted to a woman. But again, it's not driving me crazy anymore. It's more that it gets me energized and I am happy to do all these things that used to scare me like crazy back in the day. Like simply walking up to her and talking to her.

    But to your main question about whether or not it is possible to quit for good.
    I honestly think it is. And the key is meditation. And since you have a pic of Thich Nhat Han I guess I don't really need to explain to you why ;)
    pmo has become a non-issue in my life again. And I honestly think that I COULD watch porn without relapsing or anything like that but I just don't care enough about it anymore. It feels too empty and "the driveness" is gone.
    In phases of high stress I do get the odd thought to just go for it again and get a bit of relaxation blablabla but that is usually gone as quickly as it came up.
    Also watching movies with explicit scenes or whatever. No triggers at all anymore.

    But it's mainly because I didn't go for the willpower method but metabolized all that shit in my subconscious mind that made me act out. Still not perfect and never will be but I've come far enough to just enjoy life again.
    I hope that makes sense. If you have any questions feel free to ask me.
    Best wishes!
     
    Buddhism Is True and ZenAF like this.
  4. Usernameallowed

    Usernameallowed Fapstronaut

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    Don't know . I need 2 weeks . Can't get to 4 days
     
  5. skaterdrew

    skaterdrew Fapstronaut

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    In this day and age with the unlimited access to porn and artificial sexual stimulation, I think it takes a very strong character to be able to give it up forever or long term.
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2021
    Usernameallowed likes this.
  6. A8X

    A8X Fapstronaut

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    Inspiring post! What you are describing here is normal levels of dopamine in your brain, that's why it is able to get high on natural things. That's a big source of motivation to keep working on my sobriety, to being able to truly enjoy life.
     
  7. ZenAF

    ZenAF Fapstronaut

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    Please elaborate on that. I have a sense of what you mean, but it might not be accurate.

    I feel like that about most porn but there's one section that still has me captivated, which is the porn brainwash hypnosis stuff. That too is mostly boring because I've seen it all a hundred times but there's still something magical to me, that I can look at a video and feel the excitement that it's changing me in a way in which the more sophisticated parts of me object to. Feeling seduced into breaking my resistance against porn.. that turns me on.
    I think if I could figure out what fascinates me about it I'd have a much better handle on myself.

    I'm not sure in what way my interactions with women are exactly compromised because of the addiction, tho I'm sure they are. But luckily I never had ED and sex was always something very different to me than porn. But both sex and porn draws from the same energy and it's limited. So I'd often feel a bit exhausted from porn, not having as much left for my girl as I wish, not being as hard as I wish. Which bothered me enough to learn to prioritize sex over porn. But when that outside pressure isn't there and I know I won't fuck for a while... it's almost guaranteed I'll PMO.
     
  8. Sir Wanksaloot

    Sir Wanksaloot Fapstronaut

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    go for it ;)
     
  9. Sir Wanksaloot

    Sir Wanksaloot Fapstronaut

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    The strategy that I developed relied only marginally on willpower. Of course it is necessary every now and then but it's certainly not my main pillar for staying clean for 7 years.
    What I did is getting to the root cause and urges DIRECTLY by learning certain skills in meditation to feel urges, pain, etc. FULLY in an unblocked way while still NOT needing to act on them.
    But facing them directly and letting them arise and eventually vanish as everything HAS to vanish with 100% certainty. Thus showing myself that I am indeed strong enough to work through any urge or pain, even at levels of intensity that I never thought were possible before.
    Since it's a skill whether or not you actually make it through an urge does not rely on your willpower but on whether or not your level of skill matches the level of intensity of the urge.

    Does that make it clearer?
     
    ZenAF and Buddhism Is True like this.
  10. This is the most useful thing I’ve read all day, thank you! Why is this only your 9th post?
     
    Sir Wanksaloot likes this.
  11. Your post reflects considerable maturity and forethought, I find it refreshing. It is possible to go 159 days without looking at porn. I had a couple of experiences last spring the forced me to acknowledge how I was using porn as a buffer against my failures with women in real life. Once I saw that for what it was there really wasn’t any going back.

    You are right, porn feminizes men by encouraging a state of paralysis where there would otherwise be healthy sexual expression. That realization was extremely painful and I am still dealing with it’s ramifications. At 38 I am learning mastery over my sexuality and proper expression of my desires. I often feel as though I am a decade or two behind other men my age or where I might otherwise be had I not turned to porn as a teenager.

    I am glad you currently have a companion. I know how gratifying that can be. You will be even better off in your relationship to her and you will increase your potential to attract other women if you set the porn aside completely and devote all that time and energy to bettering your self and your life.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 10, 2021
    ZenAF likes this.
  12. WelcomeToReality

    WelcomeToReality Fapstronaut

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    One thing is clear, you can't control porn usage. Either you don't watch or reaching that goal, either porn drags you to the deep shit.
     
  13. Usernameallowed

    Usernameallowed Fapstronaut

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    Yep Chuck Norris Bruce Lee kind of character
     
  14. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    I agree that living your life to the fullest, regardless of your relationship with porn, is the most important ideal.

    Porn is neutral, neither good nor bad. Porn may have negative consequences every time you use it, but the efforts you may go to and lifestyle choices you have to adopt to completely get rid of porn may be impractical.

    It is extremely important to abstain completely in the early stages fo rebooting/rewiring and then diminishing the frequency/intensity of relapses over time. Making excuses early on will hurt your recovery, but expecting yourself to only recover by never using porn again seems unrealistic.

    Constant access to the internet, increasing time spent alone, and prevalence of mental health issues in the West make avoiding porn indefinitely almost impossible. Instead of thinking of quitting porn as the goal, think of quitting as a tool for reaching the goal of a fulfilling life. Relapsing or using isn't necessarily failure, but a refusal to use the tools available to live your life to the fullest. Different mottos work for different people.
     
  15. Sir Wanksaloot

    Sir Wanksaloot Fapstronaut

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    Damn, I just joined the forums again after a long hiatus and I love how the community has matured in the meantime. It used to be all RA-RA-RA!!! and HOW BAD DO YOU REALLY WANT IT?! HUUUUHHH?!
    Which I still see a lot of but I find jewels with great and deep insight more and more often. VERY PROMISING!

    Maybe that will also answer your question about how this is only my 9th response @Buddhism Is True ;)
     
    Buddhism Is True likes this.
  16. E31

    E31 Fapstronaut

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    A mindset that I've been implementing for some time now and ongoing is to live by and for my values rather than goals.
    From that point I don't have a goal to reach a certain number of days w/o porn.
    But it doesn't fit my values on many levels, from what it offers and shows to what it is doing to my brain chemistry and how it takes away time from the things I truly value so I don't see it having a place in my life ever again and I know I truly don't need it.
    I have nothing against it per se and I can see people enjoying it without any repercussions but it is nothing anyone would need or couldn't live without, I mean humans did for thousands of years and other animals still do :emoji_monkey:
     
  17. Sir Wanksaloot

    Sir Wanksaloot Fapstronaut

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    That is SO true. Goals are fixed in time and they swish by when you achieve them and the next day you have no more orientation.
    Making that shift in my mindset has also greatly helped me along the way!
     
  18. ZenAF

    ZenAF Fapstronaut

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    I found that really difficult in my life so far. I had countless "productivity/new life starts now streaks" that ran out of steam after a few days or weeks. I saw myself cycling endlessly, not just with porn but productivity and lazyness. One part desiring big goals and pushing me hard to achieve them and the other side telling me to chill, enjoy life now, don't be so hard on yourself maybe you die tomorrow.
    I felt and still feel a little torn between the two because it's not obvious what's authenticly me. The productivity me was clearly influenced by motivational videos, the chill me by my friends. After four days of giving 120% at work when I start doubting whether that's authentic, because it's so different from how I lived before, the motivation's gone quick.
    Luckily the extremes got closer together over the years and I started to get more done. But there's something that happens psychologically when I live my day how I think I should live it. I'm in a good mood. But it's also weird because it's not completely relaxed, it's an act to a certain degree. Like a part of me knows that that's not how I usually am and there's fear to slip back. Fear of being incapable of true change at all.

    But anyway, after years of meditating, accepting, resisting, filling my mind with stuff, emptying my mind, nofap streaks, depressions, etc. I found the most reliable remedy against my life struggles is one thing: Winning. Do hard shit and succeed. Do shit I'm afraid of and succeed. And I mean winning, not trying. You learn from your failures, it's normal to fail, blabla, I know. But what really makes me feel good about life and gives me momentum in the right direction is when I actually win at something. And 95% of winning is done by doing, not thinking.
     
  19. Is it possible? Yes. At the end, you decide what you do. There's no one that acts in your place. And not watching porn ever again is within the realm of possiblity.
    Not relapsing ever again? Life is long, and the true point is to be free, not never ever tripping. But yes, its possible (but don't use this as an excuse for doing anything else that your maximum effort).
    Will it be easy? No it won't. And the hardest will be to be free from addiction. Staying free is easier.
    Stress free? No. First, there are other things in life that causes stress. Second, PM was a way of dealing with negative emotions: anxiety, fear, rejection, stress... I would say that being free is really peaceful, but i had to relearn other ways of dealing with my negative emotions. And in moments of great stress, loneliness or sadness, i have to be strong not to fall into temptation.
     
    diep likes this.
  20. Overforme

    Overforme Fapstronaut

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    If one must ask themselves if getting rid of porn is possible, it might be time to cancel ones internet access.
     

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