The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Day 2!! Here to stay!

 

Yas Brother! Excellent play!

 

71 days! Amazing streak, I feel so good

 

Day 34! As cold showers are a regular thing (even though lately they have gotten shorter), the passing of time along with autumn temperatures settling in, surprise overcame me a few days ago when I did not shower, that it's actually quite cold in the house, not a lot, but noticeable enough to be mindblown by the fact that either the thermostat doesn't work or I am too dumb to set it on. I don't think I'll mind it for now, but my friends, do not forget, Winter is coming... so I must figure it out before I have guests that also notice that.
Anyway, where is it that you are from? adventurers.

 

Checking in. I have been very tired the last few days, even though I sleep for about 8 h. Also, urges are strong, fantasies come to life and it's hard to avoid fishing. But like everything else in life, this will change, so I'll try to be as relaxed as possible until it gets easier.

 

Checking in for day 6.
Actually its end of day 6. Everything went well, did my meditation, finished a book I started 2 days ago. Even started a new book. Went out for a walk. Helped one of my friends out. Attended a working session, which in normal days I might have skipped.

 

Poof, poof, ahhh, a long journey lays ahead.

 

Day 6

Another good day. I had a very vivid dream that I relapsed which I 100% believed until I woke up and realised it was just a dream so that was pretty scary. Still keeping myself busy so I didn't have time to work out or watch Squid Game again. Today's therapy and first group accountability session went really well, it was really nice meeting everyone in the group.

I had a couple of urges today due to visual triggers and flashbacks to previous visual triggers.

 

Day 137, trod on!

 

You're standing! That's what counts. You're a hobbit for more than two days now - you have accomplished something big! And hobbit is only the beginning!

I mean it! In the real World these ranks don't mean anything. But it's your ticket FOR the REAL WORLD.
I know that it's not unlikely that right now you are sitting somewhere behind your screen caught in the the ritual that we call pmo. However I hope that the counter is still up to date. I hope that you beat this day as well and whatever you do in your life, whatever happens, I root for you and for me only one thing counts: if you stay clean on day 17 you're doing great! This is excactly what the community does expect from you and nothing more: stay clean for today. That's all.

Many turn to God. The thing is: we can't control, we can't know. Will this be my last time? Will I relapse in the future? How long will this go? We make plans all the time but we don't know shit. Although that might be true for everybody, addicts are especially bad at making realistic plans, at sticking to promises.
So we must deal with it. (At least) control what you can control and deal with one day at a time.
What the addiction will try to do: it will use this uncertainty to convince you that you can do it another time. The problem is the we, as addicts, can't handle uncertainty. We say 'ok, now I have messed up again. But from now on I'll stay sober and not even touch myself once until Saturday the xy when I've reached xy days, then I can relax a bit and from there I'll climb the next mountain.' - Dream on!
That's why "one day at a time" is so important. And what it really means is that we can't effort to loose THIS one precious day. For a substance addict loosing this one present day could mean to loose everything. (We die slowly, very slowly, in a way. But (again: in a way) even porn addiction can be deadly.)
We can't afford to loose this day. But at the same time we don't know for sure, that we'll stay clean on all the days.
Having no control in the beginning, we must get in control of one single day. And with time we will be able to handle every day, even the hardest. It doesn't mean, of course, that we never look ahead of one day. Of course we must look ahead! But we don't need to take responsibility for what we do on every one of these days, but one.
What will every one of us do in 20 days? Who knows! Statistics tell us, as addicts we might be using on that day. If you want to beat that statistic, if you want to be better what can you do? Do you focus on that day in the future? No, you focus on today!

It's a bit like in the movie Groundhog Day, where one and the same day repeats over and over until Bill Murray gets his lesson. With the difference that Bill Murray needs to perform the perfect day just once to be freed. While we need to handle all the days, regardless if they are "perfect" or miserable or the "worst day of our life".
But, as in Groundhog Day, the solution is not that we ourselves become like robots of perfection. Rather we need to learn to be authentic but also wiser than our old self, whatever life throws at us. And, as Bill Murray, we need to learn our lesson (whatever it is).

In the end we'll learn to dance. It's a dance of life, it's dealing with life, but it's also a dance of prevention, cause we're dealing with addiction (or what has left of it) too.

 

Day 0.

Pent up feelings of frustration and unworthiness, confusion and cowardice.

 

This is the perfect time to introduce new neuropathways for relaxation , my friend. Take care of yourself during this string of challenging days, take extra rest if you need and don't beat yourself up for it. Mediate, listen to some calming music, just stay away from falling back into PMO.

 

Checking in. Caught myself fantasizing, and realized that the worst temptations don't come from outside triggers, but from my own brain. So basically I am torturing myself with temptation, because my addicted brain wants more "pleasure". I am my own worst enemy. I have to keep focused on my goals, and stay offline when I am tired.

 

Day 29

Good day so far. Did some writing and some mindful walking. Took a cold shower. Need more prayer.

 

Checking in Fellowship friends!

Day 338 free of porn and day 266 free of MO.

It's been a much better week. I've been capable of exercising without issue and I'm doing well at work too. I had a challenging day yesterday but instead of harping over the situation, I just let it be and it faded away. I even meditated for about 20 mins before bed yesterday, it assisted in medicating the frustration and mild tension that arose. Throughout this journey, my awareness of the way I feel and my way in handling of my emotions has drastically improved. My brain has been recovering from the abuse I put it through, from both artificial and unnatural dopamine chases. I've also promised myself that the last year in my 20's would be spent off the hook of addiction, I'm about a month shy of my 30th birthday and realizing my goal and I refuse to falter.

I'd like to share what has been on mind for a while, I think we must all understand this. It's during your roughest days, where things go horribly wrong, those are key moments where you must instal new and healthy habits to manage what you are going through. This is where the neural changes are the strongest. Notice that I said manage, not avoid. If we avoid, we never grow, regardless of the situation. I don't know about you guys, but I spent a lot of 20's avoiding. Last year is where I decided I had enough and the actions I've taken over the last year were a consistent notion of "no more". I refuse to run, no matter how bad i'll feel, because I know I will grow from it.

I encourage you all to read about stoicism and philosophy. Here's a passage that resonated with me from Marcus Aurelius Meditations, which is applicable to the topic of my post today.

"Now it is true that these may impede my actions, but they are no impediments to my affect and disposition, which have the power of acting conditionally and changing; for the mind converts and changes every hindrance to its activity into an aid; and so that which is a hindrance is made a furtherance to an act; and that which is an obstacle on the road helps us on this road."

Stay strong my friends

 

After 43 days of no pmo, I relapsed
Three times in a row, each one uglier than the other. I let myself fish at night and I was tired from the trip, without the will strength that was required to turn away from the urge, which lead me to P, which lead me to M. Woke up after that and relapsed again before showering because I was "already to much screwed and it wouldn't be that bad". Only now I can spot the lies in that sentence. Maybe it was a too little confidence that promoted a wrong mindset, cuz I just couldn't believe in myself through those 43 days, it seemed like a miracle, and not something that I was capable of doing. Also a lie, I can see it now.
Anyways, I'm trying to see this as experience added to my baggage. I've restarted the counter already and I'm prepared to go again. For now, I'll focus on relaxing, meditating, cold-showering and exercising to fight back the chaser effect and to get back on track.

Sorry to let you down, brothers. I won't give up until this cursed ring gets destroyed!

 

451 days

49 more days to reach the destination

 

Day 241

 

18 days
This time I'll make it to the 90

 

I'm from Canada.