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A cheater always a cheater?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by modern milarepa, Oct 14, 2021.

  1. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    My girlfriend is out of town so no sex these days and a hot ex arrived to town wanting to hook up.

    I thought about it. But I cannot do it. I've never cheated, the girl will leave town and if I say yes to sex no-one will find out.

    I saw her but not for sex, when I came home I thought what if we have sex? Probably it could relieve some sexual tension but then I thought about my girlfriend if I've done it I'll never do it again.

    I kind of saw what it will be cheating without actually cheating and if I actually have done it I will never ever cheat on a girl again.

    People make mistakes. One has to see the context and the cause of cheating.

    So the question arises :

    do you forgive a cheater and give her/him a second chance?

    A cheater is always a cheater?

    Is the same a girl cheating than a boy cheating?
     
  2. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    I don't know if I could forgive a girl cheating on me. I'm a good guy, that it does not suck so much dealing with girls, I'm great at sex and I give space and understand a bit on how women feel and think. I don't cheat.

    So I don't see a valid reason to forgive a girl cheating on me. It could mean she doesn't respects me, she is not satisfied with me. She doesn't love me enough to be 100% loyal. That she is just a sl*t.

    And let's say she gets drunk, if she knows alcohol can mess up her head, she should not do it knowing she could cheat on me.
     
  3. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I think that in order to fully answer this question, you would have to consider why someone cheats.
    Most of the SO's on here see porn use as cheating because it involves sexual pleasure with someone outside the marriage. Although a lot of us are aware of the fact that this form of cheating is due to an addiction which is focused on pleasure, and is not due to something we've done wrong, it does still impact us as though it has everything to do with us.

    So why do people cheat? Is it because they feel they lack something in the relationship? Perhaps it is perceived that way. However, if you were to break it down completely, you would see that what is actually lacking is something from within themselves that gets projected onto the person they are in a relationship with. It is about fulfilling a need that can't be fulfilled externally, but from a conscious perspective, they are unaware of it, so they pleasure seek. One who is in a state of seeking pleasure has not done the inner work because if they had, they would understand what can be obtained externally is simply a bonus to what is fulfilled internally, and they are not dependent on what others can or can not provide for them.

    We could be the best wife a man could ever want, but if the man is lacking from within, it more than likely wouldn't prevent them from cheating should the opportunity arise. The same goes for women. That insecure attachment, the unresolved trauma, etc. They seek external validation for something that can only be fulfilled internally, but if they are unwilling to turn inward, it can be a viscous cycle.

    If someone has done the inner work, chances are they wouldn't be drinking in the first place because there would be no need for it. I could go into a whole speech about why people drink, but I will leave that for another time.

    To answer your question about forgiveness. I think it would depend greatly on the circumstances. I think women are more likely to forgive men if children are involved because they consider the perspective of the kids, and understand that they wouldn't understand.

    I consider what my husband has done in the past as cheating, and I have forgiven him for it. Only because he committed to the inner work. Should he decide to go back to that life, our marriage would be over.
     
  4. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    That is a deep understanding of why people cheat.

    It does, I didn't like the idea of simply dump a cheater it sounds a bit close minded. It can be hurtful do.

    Thanks your the reply. It helped me a lot to understand better what cheating is.
     
    hope4healing and DefendMyHeart like this.
  5. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    Outstanding response defendmyheart. I would also add that you've already cheated. Perhaps not physically but emotionally which leaves much bigger scars than physical cheating I think. JMHO.
     
  6. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    Who me?
    Not really, I just gave my ex some blankets because she didn't have one where she was sleeping. Because she was taking care a sick relative at the hospital
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2021
  7. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    She just suggested sex, I wasn't going to do it. I just thought about it and wrote this thread.
     
  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Many women view the use of porn while in a relationship as cheating, that’s what they were referring to. The majority of women in fact.
     
  9. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    4,195
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    If your girlfriend knows about your porn use and doesn’t care then fine, but if she doesn’t know, or she does care and it hurts her then many view this as cheating.
     
    stegiss likes this.
  10. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    If memory serves me right, @modern milarepa doesn't have an issue with porn use anymore, and it took place prior to him being with his current girlfriend. I believe he is here in an attempt to learn how to transcend duality by distancing himself from pleasure seeking. One of the ways to do this is to understand what drives others in this way.
     
  11. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    I think you are misunderstanding here. I was replying to a post from an user he was saying I emotionally cheated on my girlfriend. I don't know where he got that, I just saw an ex that is staying a few blocks from my house taking care of a sick relative of hers in a hospital.

    She was sleeping on a chair so I offered her some blankets and a pillow so she can sleep better. Then she talked about we having sex. I said no.

    So in that context I don't understand why the user is referring to me as an emotionall cheater.

    I simply made the thread thinking what if I actually cheated and trying to understand cheating more. Because I have never done it and I would like to understand the underlying causes of cheating and if there's a context in which you can forgive someone cheating

    @DefendMyHeart gave an amazing explanation of it.
     
  12. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    I never had an issue with porn, I have PMO probably 30- 40 times in my entire life.

    This site helps me to understand others more and this at the same time helps me to understand myself more. Sometimes people help me in things new to me and sometimes I help others in things I know a bit more.

    It's a great positive feedback.
     
    hope4healing and DefendMyHeart like this.
  13. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    It can be viewed in this way if your girlfriend was not okay with you visiting your ex, or being unaware that you did.

    Secrets such as this in a relationship will produce friction. The friction will come from within and create a whole mess of external issues that are perceived to be there, but are not actually there. I know you are aware that friction in your life serves as a roadblock to spiritual awareness and obtainment, but it must be stated for those who are not aware of it that read through this thread.

    If she is aware and is okay with it, then it is safe to say that you are in the clear. If she is not okay with it or is unaware of it, it may be best to see what type of boundaries she has in a relationship, and what she is or is not okay with.
    Since none of this was talked about in your original post, it leaves others to assume aspects in which we are unaware of, if that makes sense?
     
  14. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    And now that I think about it I don't like to even look at girls on ig because I think I'm cheating and I don't know I simply don't like to look at girls besides my girlfriend. But I do talk to women like a normal person.
     
  15. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    You are right, I didn't see the point on telling my girlfriend I visited my ex. I was going to give her some blankets and that was it. I better tell her. My bad.

    Also @DefendMyHeart how do you see cheating with porn. Why is it cheating?
    Is the same or worst than cheating with a real person?

    And if you have the time could you share something about the causes of a person to drink and being an alcoholic?
    As someone who has only taken 5 bears in his entire life, liking alcohol is a foreing concept to me.
     
  16. I think that's a catch all phrase that overlooks context. On the other hand, it simply comes down to mistrust. People change all the time but the question is will the partner trust you after trust has been broken.
     
  17. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    For me, there is no difference.
    From a scientific standpoint, there is no difference between PMO and actual intercourse with someone else. The brain records it as the same thing, and the dopaminergic system is the same for both. The striatum and NAc does not "see" the people therefore, it merely records it as a sexual encounter. People who PMO on a regular basis, the brain records it as though it is actually happening, and this is why it is difficult for them to get away from the objectification mindset. If the brain is recording it as, someone detected- sex happens, that is what the reward system will reinforce to happen. This is why men will get "high" just by looking at someone attractive. To their brain, the next step is procreation. When that doesn't happen, depression, anxiety, and a host of all other ailments will take its place instead. This is the battle between DeltaFosB and CREB.

    This is also why communication with the other gender becomes even more difficult. There is no communication between the person looking at the screen, and who is on the screen. It is merely target-arousal-ejaculation. Real life is no where this easy, as we all know.

    From a spiritual perspective, there is also no difference because of the karma that is built between the person watching the screen, and the person on the screen. There is body memory that is stored and it can be passed on up to 14 generations afterwards. So my husband building this type of relationship with anyone, exchanging energy with them then exchanging energy with me, this also builds that memory within me during our energy exchange. Since his energy is unhealthy, any exchange I would have with him would also become unhealthy, which creates a lot of friction.
    This is why if he chooses to go back to that way of life, our marriage would be over. The purpose of that is to protect our kids from this karma.

    Part of being able to transcend duality is transcending the identification with the body. Having the understanding that the vessel in which carries you is only temporary, and you are much more than that, is a crucial component.
    Why do people drink? Why does anyone do anything that brings pleasure? Look around at the population in which you live. How many people are suffering with depression, anxiety, trauma, etc.? Probably most of the people that you know have some sort of these ailments, the severity of which varies. It is because they have not learned how to operate the vessel in which they occupy, and the vessel has turned against them. They don't know how to make it work FOR them, so it instead works AGAINST them. When it works against them, there is unbalance. With unbalance comes the need for balance, which leads them to substances and behaviors that induce a pleasurable sensation. However, from a medical standpoint, and I know with you being a physician you are aware already, this doesn't help the original problem and can actually make it worse. It becomes a cycle of defeat rather than one of liberation, which is what they are originally seeking. They want to escape their brain and their life for a moment. They don't understand that they are the ones in control of their mind and their body because we are programmed from birth to accept our thoughts and actions as part of us, and use this as justifications of what has happened to us, rather than learning how to become unidentified with it.

    Someone who seeks pleasure is someone who has not been taught to do inner work, and it is also someone who identifies with something that should no longer belongs to them.

    We are the only species on this planet who has the ability to transcend the cycle of birth-procreate-die, yet most are unaware of this. We can look around and place blame on anyone and everyone, or, we can look inward and realize this power belongs to us and us alone.
     
  18. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    That is a great point, I consider porn even worst because you are not having a real stimuli with another human. You are creating a very mental enjoyment of sex and not a physical one. I remember an user telling he was using escorts not in an addicted way and afterwards he felt a sense of grounding and could keep going with his life. So I believe porn is worst than casual sex or ocassional use of prostitution, even do the two former practices Will leave deep karmic impressions in the body and a wrong perception of how sex has to be done. But at least is real and not an artificial superstimuli as porn.

    That is deep, I understood it from having sex with a real person but I haven't made the link to this karmic impression with porn.

    I was having the impression you already gave the answer in the cheating post, it's simply an inability to be happy from within then you search for balance, happiness and escape in outside stimuli. With will only bring pain.
     
    hope4healing and DefendMyHeart like this.
  19. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    It was great talking to you, thank you for taking the time to write. It helped me a lot. You are the most smart woman and one of the smartest people I've talked about these topics @DefendMyHeart
     
    hope4healing and DefendMyHeart like this.
  20. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    I'm going to dispute this portion a bit.

    If you were to look at quantum mechanics, such as the double slit theory and the theory of quantum entanglement, it is stated that nothing exists without a conscious observer. If you integrate aspects of neuroscience into this same theory (which has been built on and you can read in the books written by Dr. Robert Lanza), it is stated that everything that passes through your senses is experienced THROUGH you, not TO you. Someone touching your arm with their hand, for example, you do not feel their hand. What you feel are the sensations of your arm in response to an external stimuli touching it. We actually do not know what anything looks like, smells like, feels like, etc. because all these interpretations are based solely on the experiences within.
    This understanding of the mechanisms from within actually omit the difference between artificial and real, because either way, you are the conscious observer of your own experience at that time and the feelings, sensations, pleasure, or whatever else comes along with it are all generated from within because nothing experienced is external.

    This was something I had fun explaining to my kids. When we were in the kitchen, I would ask them "does your bed exist? How do you know? How do you know it isn't a mess of atoms floating all around right now and it only becomes a bed when you look at it?" This is what is so interesting about the double slit theory and quantum entanglement. Waves become particles only when they are being observed, otherwise they take all paths and no paths at the same time. Everything is made up of these particles. If you are not looking at something, it technically doesn't exist.

    If you transfer this knowledge over the the spiritual side, it begins to make more sense in how karma is built between people in that way.

    Good talking to you too.
     

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