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Monitoring software

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by AnnaKarenina, Oct 15, 2021.

  1. AnnaKarenina

    AnnaKarenina New Fapstronaut

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    Has anyone used a phone monitoring software to catch a spouse out? I know it’s not ethical but I am desperate. Talking is no use as I don’t know what is true and what’s a lie. I need evidence. Hoping for some answers. I can be replied to privately to protect ones privacy :)

    Thanks
     
  2. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

    Where I agree with you, that a relationship needs trust, I can also say that in order to break down some barriers to get to the truth of the matter, this is necessary


    My ex used to cheat on me all the time. I knew he was because his actions toward me changed, but he would never admit it. I had to get the evidence to prove to him that I knew, and it had to be hard evidence. For better or worse, sometimes it is necessary to be able to move forward in life, whether together or apart.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  3. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    A close friend of mine did- found out not only was her husband of 12 years seeing hookers, he was planning to kill her.
     
  4. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    Yes a relationship without trust is a serious problem. But the relationship is already absent of trust else she wouldn't be seeking advice on monitoring software. If talking were an effective solution she wouldn't be seeking advice for monitoring software. When he decided to engage in lies and deceit and God knows what else he forfeited his right to privacy. And when in a committed relationship you forfeit your right to secrecy from one another. Otherwise it's not a committed relationship. See how that works? If he weren't keeping secrets from her to begin with she wouldn't have the need to secretly figure out what he is doing behind her back that is adversely affecting her. All this talk in here about what a betrayed partner is doing wrong makes me sick. It's disgusting. Get this. WE DID NOTHING WRONG! Yet we're paying a heavy price for it and having to jump through so many ridiculous hoops just to get to the fucking truth. AnnaKarenina PM me. I'll help you get what you need. I don't want to waste any more time here.
     
  5. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Sometimes spying is the only way to get to the truth when married to an addict. Most so’s already feel awful about not trusting, by the time they get to spying, they’ve been lied to and gas lit a lot. Saved my friends life by spying. I’ll put my safety over his “ privacy” .
     
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  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Actually I believe it was over when the lying, hiding and gas lighting starts. Sometimes you need to try and work things out even if the marriage is basically over.
     
    stegiss likes this.
  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Count yourself blessed to have never experienced it. Talking is usually the first thing an so does. 5 years, I begged, pleaded, talked, wrote notes, asked to go to counseling, because although I knew something was wrong I didn’t know what. I began to suspect cheating but felt horrible for MY lack of trust with literally no evidence. I thought I was crazy. I didn’t hunt or search for evidence because he convinced me it was ME. I found out by accident. Stupidly, I stayed because you know 10 years in a relationship you can lie to yourself about anything and he agreed to counseling so he must love me right? I believed strongly in marriage and making it work, thought he was working on our marriage as well. Thought he cared. 30 years later, I know that porn addicts only care about their addiction. They lie, they protect their addiction over everything. Their words don’t match their actions. I don’t do the hunt and search ( which is the so seeking safety). I know if my gut says something is off then he’s using. My gut is more honest than he is so it’s best to just trust it. I do agree though. Every single so of a porn addict is better off divorcing in the long run. We stay for so many reasons, kids being a main one. Kids will be damaged either way. Divorce hurts them but so does an addict with his absence, his neglect, the damage to his marriage. I count myself fortunate, I thought divorce would hurt the kids more than if I stayed. I’m super close to all my kids and they are wonderful adults. I can’t imagine how it would’ve been if I had divorced and only saw them half time.
     
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  8. happenstance

    happenstance Fapstronaut

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    I don't agree that every single SO of a porn addict is better off divorcing. I know some who are far worse off as a result after their husband finally addressed their addiction and became clean. Unfortunately she waited too long and every relationship she's had since has been a disaster. The problem isn't that it can't be fixed. The problem is they don't get the right kind of help to fix it and they pay too much attention to the stupid ass advice given them. Just MHO anyway.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2021
  9. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Very, very few get into long term recovery- and most of the times the few who do it’s because they lost their partner. Seriously, just spend a year on here, with people who are trying to quit who know what they need to do and still can’t get a year clean. These are the ones trying! Lol. Most don’t even get to the point where they admit it’s a problem.
     
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  10. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I probably should’ve qualified this, you can have a really good marriage if and only if the addict can get into recovery. You can have a functional marriage even staying with an addict depending on the person, if you yourself find help. I’m just pretty jaded. I know my husband doesn’t want to do what he does. I’ve known him 35 years and he’s been fighting this the entire time. He’s a really good guy who is 1000% better and different when he’s in recovery. My marriage is by far the best it’s ever been. I still think, i could’ve had a much easier life had I divorced him immediately upon finding out. I would’ve stayed single! I would never have married again. Lol. I wouldn’t have my kids though, and that made every minute worth it.
     
    Huskerjim likes this.
  11. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    To go back to the original question. Odds are if he's an addict he's bad at covering up his tracks. My wife had the passcode to my phone and caught me because i didn't close out reddit and it was right there in front of her when she went to see what someone had texted me or check the weather or something innocent like that.

    If you add the software your relationship will worsen no matter what. Either you're right and you'll catch him and that'll be that. Or your wrong and maybe you'll feel better for a bit but if he finds out than his trust in you will plummet. You can't exactly go "I thought you were lying so i secretly installed software to track you and you went 2 weeks without poor so I'm sorry".

    On the flipside, if you don't, you'll never have "proof" and he'll have deniability and things aren't aren't going to get much better there either. Not really a great choice either way when it comes to snooping (even with good reasons and such).

    As for the marriage discussion - I don't agree there are any absolutes when it comes to this. Every relationship is different. Every user and significant other is different. Every hard line boundary is different. Only you can saw what's right there.
     
    E31 likes this.
  12. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Just my two cents - I voluntarily have monitoring software on my phone. It both filters and sends a daily report with random screenshots to my wife. This has been tremendously helpful to my recovery.

    But this is a different situation where I as the recovering PA actively sought out the software set it up and know that it's there on my phone and am happy to have it there for accountability and as a barrier to urges and temptation.
     
    Leftwhirled likes this.
  13. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

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    I think there is a big difference between accountability and installing software that the SO doesn't know about it. We have been using an accountability software for about 5 or 6 years and are discussing if we still need it or not. It is causing some resentment right now but I would never have put something on my husband's phone or computer that monitors his activity without telling him.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.

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