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Cheating at my own game

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by ManInMacc, Oct 17, 2021.

  1. ManInMacc

    ManInMacc Fapstronaut

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    I’m struggling at the moment with an addiction to porn and find myself masturbating multiple times a day, when I should be doing other things, much to the detriment of my sexual relationship with my partner - although he is completely in the dark to it all. And to the detriment of my work and education. I’m inexplicably drawn to it in such a way that I can’t seem to stop, even when I put obstacles in my own way.
    Recently we’ve been sleeping in separate bedrooms - because we’ve both been struggling to sleep with coughs and colds - and I’ve used that time in the evenings to watch porn and masturbate, sometimes until 2-3am, and I’m exhausted the next day.
    I was accessing porn on my phone so I deliberately did a factory reset to delete all record of it and then took all passcodes and security access off my phone, so my partner had free access, convincing myself that the risk of him finding it would prevent me accessing it. It did, but I started accessing it from a different device, a phone I use for listening to podcasts in bed. I called up my internet provider and asked them to activate the adult content block - but then eventually started using a VPN to get around this.
    Every time I find myself alone, or there’s potential alone time I immediately start looking for porn. Even this evening my partner couldn’t decide whether to shower tonight or in the morning and I convinced him to shower tonight so that I could use the alone time to masturbate - for the third time today.
    I’ve always had a high sex drive but I find myself drawn to porn and masturbation more than I am to my partner. Sex with my partner is infrequent and even then I’m thinking about the porn I’ve watched just to stay hard.
    I can’t seem to break the cycle, even when I put obstacles in my own way. I don’t know what to do. I feel like porn is ruining a really good relationship.
    Any advice?
     
  2. You can use some techniques:
    • cold showers;
    • meditation, praying;
    • p blockers on phones

    But I eventually understand that the MOST powerful tool you can use is your willpower.
    So It's up to you. And I tell you this as one who's no willpower.
     
  3. ManInMacc

    ManInMacc Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the support! Much appreciated.

    Cold showers is a good suggestion. As for praying, I’m atheist, so maybe that won’t work for me, but glad others have the option. Meditation is something I’ve tried before and struggled as I have difficulty clearing my mind but based on your suggestion I’m going to give it another go. I really would love to be able to get the benefit of it.
    Will power does seem to be working so far. I’ve had plenty of opportunity to PMO this week, but refrained.
    I am noticing that I have a feeling of ‘fullness’ (can’t really explain it any other way) in my groin area, something which I haven’t felt for a very long time. And I’m leaking what I presume is precum quite a bit, despite not really having had an erection - sorry if that’s too much information, but again it’s something I haven’t experienced before. I’m guessing normal?
    This is a whole new experience if I’m honest because this is the longest I haven’t PMOd in a very long time.
     
  4. Kurz

    Kurz Fapstronaut

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    Congrats for making progress!

    As for meditating: having a hard time clearing the mind hits the spot. It's not about HAVING a clear mind, its about trying to have a clear mind. Don't rush this. It is You-time. It's not about forcing thoughts out. Try to relax, thoughts will come but see that they're about something positive. It eventually becomes easier. Persistence is key in this. Make it a daily habit, even if it's just 3 minutes. Expand over time.
     
  5. ManInMacc

    ManInMacc Fapstronaut

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    I’ve been having a good week.
    Haven’t PMOd at all - well, very briefly checked out a like to porn my friend sent me but closed it before it caught my interest. I’m also slowly distancing myself from the ‘friends’ who would ordinarily encourage me (intentionally or otherwise) to PMO.
    I’ve had plenty of opportunity to PMO, and a few moments where I’ve considered it, but I’ve ultimately decided against it. It’s been generally easier than I expected, but I suspect that’s more to do with the fact I’ve had quite a non-stressful week. I’m assuming that when the stress hits it will probably be more difficult to stop myself.
    My partner has just joined a new group which means I’ll have more time alone on some evenings and weekends, and this is time I would normally PMO like crazy, so I’m going to have to keep an eye on myself then too.
     
  6. Robinthehood

    Robinthehood Fapstronaut

    Cold showers and prayer - you can pray to yourself, we are all gods by the way. I have literally just got out of a cycle that is similar to what you were in. I tried so many things, including cold showers for the last two months. I am keeping the showers in my morning routine, its the one thing I never miss. The big vital thing that was missing was connection to myself. Without that higher awareness then its only your physical body and your will power - finite. I am not exactly sure what bumped me out of my last pmo cycle, possibly somehow just making that space, enough space for the cobwebs to fall off my brain so I could see clearly. But once I could then it came easy. Im getting in a lot of coffee and dark chocolate, keeping me well clear of that zoning out mindset, if I can maintain that then I should be in good stead for getting the hell out of this nightmare.
    Being home was a trouble for me too, I was avoiding it to avoid that scenario of being alone and at a loose end. Could you join a new group too? Being out the house when your partner is could make it easier for you as well as open a new avenue for something interesting to replace pmo with?
    All the best man, we're both on 6 days, LETS GO!
     
  7. ManInMacc

    ManInMacc Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations on getting to 6 days! I am 6-7 days free of PM but I didn’t orgasm last night - glad to say it was with my partner, which is ultimately my goal. And whilst I didn’t notice any difference in the physical feeling of it, mentally it felt better, more positive. This is also probably the longest I’ve got without ejaculating in years.
     
  8. Dizzy Lotus

    Dizzy Lotus Fapstronaut

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    I think you mean you did orgasm, last night? [​IMG]
    I'm glad to hear you're doing better! [​IMG] I totally recognise the sentiment that you express in the title. Setting guidelines and rules for myself, only to frantically look for loopholes when I feel tempted... [​IMG] I want to learn to make good decisions because I want to, not because I've promised myself to!
     
    ManInMacc likes this.
  9. ManInMacc

    ManInMacc Fapstronaut

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    Ha yes you’re right, I DID.
    I feel like I am making process, although I did have to think about porn in order to orgasm. I’m hoping that need subsides.
    I completely understand what you’re saying about making good decisions. Obviously you want to avoid PM because it’s better for you in the long term, not just because you’ve put up barriers to access it. Like an addiction I suppose, it’s not just stopping drinking alcohol because you can’t afford it, it’s because you don’t want or need it anymore.
    Although I must admit, having those barriers up has helped me in those moments where I’ve had sudden impulses which are difficult to resist.
     
    Dizzy Lotus likes this.

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