7th day: GAME OVER

My goal is to be the whole month of September without porn and masturbation.
I want to journalize what happens to me during this month. This is a way to focus and be serious with the challenge. every time I feel that I am going to relapsed I am going to write and every time I experience a positive change or I discover something valuable I will write as well

I tried before to not MtP but I never last more than 7 days. This time I have to do it no matter what.

 

1st day
I feel weak and lazy. I try to focus on the activities I do regularly but I don’t have the strength to do it. The last time that I PMO(yesterday) I did it several times. I said to myself:
“I am not going to PMO anymore and I am going to start this challenge tomorrow so now I am going to do it for the last time” Well, now I know it wasn't a good idea.

 

2nd day
I feel comfortable with what I did today. It was a busy day so I didn't have time to think about nasty shit. I know that sooner or later I am going to think about sex and there is nothing I can do to avoid that. What I have to avoid is to think about the nasty stuff (hporn). Is normal (I think) to think about sex or want to have sex, what is not normal is when the pattern of thinking or behaviour appears all the time and you find very difficult to control it in order to focus on other areas of your life.

 

3rd day
As expected I didn't think of sex during the day but I am pretty sure that tomorrow I will start to feel a little bit of horniness (lol).
For now, following a program of (productive) activities helps a lot to avoid entertaining my mind, to much, with sexual thoughts.

 

4th day
I was exposed to sexual content today. walking my dog I saw a newspaper on the street. The newspaper was full of images of sexy women (vedettes) in very provocative positions. I thought on carrying the newspaper home but, thinking twice, I just kept walking.

 

5th day
I am very far from relapsing; I don’t want to feel that emptiness again.
Today I woke up with a boner. I thought a little bit about porn. I wanted to keep thinking about it but then I force myself to remember the consequences of PMO. This little moments of pleasure are causing long term bad consequences in my life and I am fucking tired of this.

 

6th day
Yesterday a coudn't resist to type the word 'ass' on google and search for images. Because I have installed Blue Coat k9 (with porn blocked) no explicit content appeared, just some photos of...you know. I had to make an effort to stop searching. All this happened at night when I turned on the computer to do something else.
Today I was horny all day and now I feel the compulsive need to search sexy images of women; I need help!

 

7th day
5 more hours to achieve my first goal (I am not counting sleeping hours). After posting this I am going to turn off the computer so the chances to relapsed will be reduced considerably. Just before sleeping I am going to turn the computer on to write a little bit. I have to say that today I was close to relapsed; I was searching for sexy images of women. Porn and explicit content is blocked in my computer and if I want to unblocked them I have to put the password 'pathetic wanker'. Despite of not watching explicitly I could find very provocative images that made me want to jerk of so bad. I don't now how I did it but I could force myself to stop researching. I still remember the horrible feeling after PMO.

 

Well, don't envy me to much because I relapsed yesterday.

 

Day 0
At night, after writing something on the computer I couldn't resist to watch porn. After relapsing the feeling didn't disappear at all. I couldn't sleep so well because of it and when I got up in the morning I had to fap (no porn).
The best thing I can do now is to look forward, start a new journal and try again.

 

Not really, I feel very positive! I never was too many days without PMO.