Something finally clicked

2080Future · Oct 24, 2021

I have been trying to get rid of this addiction for some years, but only started taking real action at the start of this year. All my relapses/resets in this time have followed the same pattern:
First, an urge will pop up in my mind, it can be because of a tweet that randomly pops up, a memory of a P video... that will get me aroused.
Then, I would do something that increases this arousal but that can't be considered P or M per se, the most notable is that I used to go on a wikipedia crawl through P, M and sex related articles. I know that I shouldn't have done it all those times,but it was my brain saying that "its not masturbation, just curiosity..." or some shit like that.
And finally, I would get so aroused and out of my mind that I would say fuck it, went back on a P site and masturbated as usual, sometimes escalating to weird fetishes that I discovered on those wikipedia crawls.
And finally, as we all know it, the regret and going back to day 0.
So why am I saying all this? Because today, it happened... almost.
I stopped myself right before entering the P site. At that moment, I felt what I had to do, and not what I have programmed my addicted brain to do. I thought "This is the moment. There's no going back if you don't stop right now." What moment is that? The moment you think about after you relapse and tell yourself "Damn, if i could go back in time and not do it... but now it's done and I can't change it." That was the last moment i could've changed it and for my greater good, I did.
I am typing this because at that moment it felt like all these months of working are starting to show its earliest fruit. I felt that my brain has really changed, and that even though the path to being cured is long and treacherous, i am happy to know that at least I am walking through it in the correct direction.
But I also know that to be fully cured I must stop the second phase in those relapses, because I know that what happened today might not always happen, but I do know that they will eventually disappear if I put all my heart and effort into it.
My name is _ and i don't masturbate. My name is _ and i don't watch porn.

Darkest · Oct 24, 2021

Yeah when I’m trying to reboot and make myself a better person there are just scenes in my head which makes it worse. I don’t know how to get rid of my addiction it just gets worse and worse and when I accidentally look at something nsfw on discord I just think in my mind “fuck it” I already saw porn let me watch more. ;(

Deleted Account · Oct 24, 2021

2080Future said: ↑

I have been trying to get rid of this addiction for some years, but only started taking real action at the start of this year. All my relapses/resets in this time have followed the same pattern:
First, an urge will pop up in my mind, it can be because of a tweet that randomly pops up, a memory of a P video... that will get me aroused.
Then, I would do something that increases this arousal but that can't be considered P or M per se, the most notable is that I used to go on a wikipedia crawl through P, M and sex related articles. I know that I shouldn't have done it all those times,but it was my brain saying that "its not masturbation, just curiosity..." or some shit like that.
And finally, I would get so aroused and out of my mind that I would say fuck it, went back on a P site and masturbated as usual, sometimes escalating to weird fetishes that I discovered on those wikipedia crawls.
And finally, as we all know it, the regret and going back to day 0.
So why am I saying all this? Because today, it happened... almost.
I stopped myself right before entering the P site. At that moment, I felt what I had to do, and not what I have programmed my addicted brain to do. I thought "This is the moment. There's no going back if you don't stop right now." What moment is that? The moment you think about after you relapse and tell yourself "Damn, if i could go back in time and not do it... but now it's done and I can't change it." That was the last moment i could've changed it and for my greater good, I did.
I am typing this because at that moment it felt like all these months of working are starting to show its earliest fruit. I felt that my brain has really changed, and that even though the path to being cured is long and treacherous, i am happy to know that at least I am walking through it in the correct direction.
But I also know that to be fully cured I must stop the second phase in those relapses, because I know that what happened today might not always happen, but I do know that they will eventually disappear if I put all my heart and effort into it.
My name is _ and i don't masturbate. My name is _ and i don't watch porn.
Click to expand...

T H A T ! W A S ! S O ! A W E S O M E ! ! !

It is really powerful when this moment comes out of nothing, when it's against all odds. It is a little mystery: why did this happen NOW? Why did you take a complete U-turn this time?
When you have already many weeks under your belt, it's probably (hopefully) likely that you make such an U-turn when you find yourself on the road to relapse. But how to get there? At some point we have to make a start, we have to act differently and accept the uncomfort that goes along with it.

A warning though! Stay vigilant in the next hours. The addiction is good in hiding and waiting for a opportunity to strike back. The feeling of success that we gain when we resist and when we tell this to others is also gives you dopamine. I myself have many times given myself this dopamin reward and felt great, only to fall prey to the craving later on - the biggest dopamin rush of all.
So take care!

Simorgh · Oct 25, 2021

icebreaker polarstern said: ↑

T H A T ! W A S ! S O ! A W E S O M E ! ! !

It is really powerful when this moment comes out of nothing, when it's against all odds. It is a little mystery: why did this happen NOW? Why did you take a complete U-turn this time?
When you have already many weeks under your belt, it's probably (hopefully) likely that you make such an U-turn when you find yourself on the road to relapse. But how to get there? At some point we have to make a start, we have to act differently and accept the uncomfort that goes along with it.

A warning though! Stay vigilant in the next hours. The addiction is good in hiding and waiting for a opportunity to strike back. The feeling of success that we gain when we resist and when we tell this to others is also gives you dopamine. I myself have many times given myself this dopamin reward and felt great, only to fall prey to the craving later on - the biggest dopamin rush of all.
So take care!
Click to expand...

This is SO True... I stopped posting in my journal because of this thing...

Robinthehood · Oct 25, 2021

2080Future said: ↑

I have been trying to get rid of this addiction for some years, but only started taking real action at the start of this year. All my relapses/resets in this time have followed the same pattern:
First, an urge will pop up in my mind, it can be because of a tweet that randomly pops up, a memory of a P video... that will get me aroused.
Then, I would do something that increases this arousal but that can't be considered P or M per se, the most notable is that I used to go on a wikipedia crawl through P, M and sex related articles. I know that I shouldn't have done it all those times,but it was my brain saying that "its not masturbation, just curiosity..." or some shit like that.
And finally, I would get so aroused and out of my mind that I would say fuck it, went back on a P site and masturbated as usual, sometimes escalating to weird fetishes that I discovered on those wikipedia crawls.
And finally, as we all know it, the regret and going back to day 0.
So why am I saying all this? Because today, it happened... almost.
I stopped myself right before entering the P site. At that moment, I felt what I had to do, and not what I have programmed my addicted brain to do. I thought "This is the moment. There's no going back if you don't stop right now." What moment is that? The moment you think about after you relapse and tell yourself "Damn, if i could go back in time and not do it... but now it's done and I can't change it." That was the last moment i could've changed it and for my greater good, I did.
I am typing this because at that moment it felt like all these months of working are starting to show its earliest fruit. I felt that my brain has really changed, and that even though the path to being cured is long and treacherous, i am happy to know that at least I am walking through it in the correct direction.
But I also know that to be fully cured I must stop the second phase in those relapses, because I know that what happened today might not always happen, but I do know that they will eventually disappear if I put all my heart and effort into it.
My name is _ and i don't masturbate. My name is _ and i don't watch porn.
Click to expand...

Yes mate! That is when it flips, the moment that you hold off opening the browser and THAT feels better than looking at P. Bask in the pleasure of the win!

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Something finally clicked

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