The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Day 12 - Uruk Hai

Missed a couple days of posts, was out of town over the weekend for a church retreat. It was at a lake, and the weather was beautiful. No urges while there, but some came last night and this morning. I woke up in the middle of the night from what was basically a wet dream, but without the O. Think that’s just part of my body adjusting to going without PMO. It helps when I try to think about my emotions and what I’m feeling in the moment. And reminding myself that this is for younger me.

I’m sorry everyone’s having a rough go of it. I appreciate your humility, RiseToGreatness, but it’s helpful just to have you post, even if it’s not the most insightful thing. Seeing each other try and fail and try again is what’s really motivating about this community. Even if you feel like you don’t have any wisdom to share, just letting us know how you’re doing is a gift in itself.

It’s November, boys. I know we’re hurting, but this is literally the perfect time to start fresh. Hope you all have a good day, God bless.

 

Day 6!

 

Day 6!

 

Day 6

 

I didn't even read the posts between this one and now so forgive if I'm repeating what someone else said or something.

I suggest you try to figure out what the thoughts are that maybe are sitting in the background, that lead to the sudden lapses. If and when you do come up with one or more, refute them. Dispute them. I do this in writing, and I highly recommend it. Put down your argument as to why the thought(s) that lead to lapse are b***s***.

As for me, I'm a few days into this streak I guess (see my counter-- it indicates psubs and m this time). I claim that I have gone almost a year since p because I have gone that long without starting up any porn videos. However, I must admit that my psubs could be considered porn, as they are (lately) porn gifs. It's kind of sketchy in my opinion to watch these while claiming that I don't watch porn, but that's what I will do for now. Probably in a year I'll be calling the pornographic gifs pornography, but I just want to give myself credit right now for at least not visiting porn sites and clicking videos. Anyway, that's where I'm at.

Have a great recovery, everyone, until next time!

 

Day 28
It may seem little, but it's a great achievement for me. I havent been able to do it for a long time. I feel relaxed, I can concantrate on things easily and I start to get my self-confidence back.

I watched the video and I liked the idea. I remember the times that I relapsed and felt bad, make harsh criticisms to myself, which make the post-relapse times even hard. I think aiming monthly rate is a sensible thing to do, for example 90+% means that you're allowed to make mistakes 3 times in a month, which is I think still a very good achievement. Creating a room for mistake might make the journey easy, more pleasant, more doable. I'm not creating excuses for a relapse, I just trying to say that the important thing is trying to get rid of the habit, mistakes can happen.

 

Day 15 on my path of reboot , I'm a hobbit ¡¡.

 

She explaned it very well. I have all off this bad sideefects that she said. I'm gonna listen to her advice. Thanks for the good video

 

90 days You reached the Black Gate of Mordor. Power and wisdom runs through your veins, you´re a servant of the Secret Fire, Wielder of The Flame of Anor, a Grey Wizard.


MAAAAAAADE IT !!!!


I don't believe it, such a great feeling to finally have reached this milestone after this many years.

Thank you @RiseToGreatness for this amazing thread

 

Relapsed. I have nothing to say about this one, I'm not gonna write a bunch of excuses I'm just so fucking upset right now, I'm trying really hard to just do the "pick myself up, start over, I got it this time" but I'm exhausted from these recent relapses. I'm so angry that I'm just not even fucking doing anything I'm just relapsing without even trying to stop myself even though I keep telling myself to use the list that I made to help me with urges but I just don't. And NNN just started, I was hoping I could use that as some motivational fuel but that's gone now since I relapsed on the first fucking day. Fuck man, I don't know what's up with me, since I beat my record I've just been relapsing again and again and again.

 

Last night was one of the worst nights of sleep I've had in my life due to the binge yesterday. So so damaging, I feel as if I have had my head kicked in repeatedly. Why do we do this to ourselves why? Hopefully this crash report will help

Crash Report

INVESTIGATING THE CRASH SITE

1. Describe the last relapse you experienced...describe the crash site in vivid detail (when, where, triggers, nature of acting out, length of time).
Was really strong and feeling good about 4 weeks ago, 2 months in. Had a big event coming up and for the 2-3 weeks leading up that I started to get a bit stressed and tired. So first mistake was I was telling myself how strong I felt and cool everything was (as if out of the woods) and so when I started feeling stressed and physically tired I just started defaulting to fishing one night browsing through some movies, I started fishing. The fishing became more frequent as I called out here but I resisted doing PMO (which I am not so sure I should have done now after seeing the edging video above. Went on the long trip to the event, all good but I had secretly promised myself that I could reward myself. Was home alone when I got back...

2. How were you feeling emotionally at the time? Why were you feeling this way?
I was physically tired and mentally drained from some pretty bad shit in work over the past 2 months

3. What accelerated the downward plunge?
Without a doubt the Fishing

a. What rationalization did you use to justify moving toward the unwanted behavior?
see above

b. Were there key decisions or compromises that led to you being triggered?
not really I just kind of fell into it as if half awake -

c. What were the triggers that set you up?
Triggers in some movies I saw which I had convinced myself I was able for, but which lead to looking up actresses, and other fishing activities

d. What boundaries did you ignore or willfully violate?
Don't fish. Make sure there are no triggers in the movie before watching it (use commonsense.org)

4. What lessons did you learn from this relapse?
No fishing = no strong urges
But if there is a strong urge does not need to lead to PMO - it goes away

5. Are you noticing common patterns in your last few relapses?
Was on a 2 month streak, Feeling good confident, starting to get attention from women, reduce journalling and meditating, break my connection to the wound at the centre of reality, start flirting, showing off, ratcheting up the stress in work, pushing back on tasks, losing all fear of relapse, start to even think I might deserve a relapse, some situation in work or at home boils over and is painful, too tired to go and get natural dopamine, bad diet, start watching films box-sets etc.. with some content, start fishing when stressful situations arise, fishing more and more, less and less sleep, relapse

6. What new guidelines do you need to put into place with respect to: Sleep, Exercise, Media usage, Your tendency to isolate from others?
Sleep - 8 hours, Exercise - back to low grade exercise like going for walks in nature, Get back to reading books, drastically reduce
screentime, schedule social engagements

7. Any new triggers that you need to avoid moving forward?
Reboot requires full abstinence from anything erotic for min 90 days - so that is my goal - read books - divert eyes - keep conversation above the waist

8. What is your plan to avoid a crash the next time you find yourself in a similar pattern of relapse?
This is a hard one, I am not sure how to pull out once the downward trajectory starts - I guess first thing will be to setup social engagements, get back to breathing and journalling - but to be honest I need to look at the recovery plan when triggered in more detail - I always struggle with this so if anyone out there has some suggestions, I am all grateful ears

Freedom Fight says be radical and flee, literally flee the temptation - I have to get radical and stop giving myself credit for whatever triggers I think I can handle, because clearly I can't

9. Did you reach out for help from your accountability when you were going down? If not, why not?
Posted here but not regularly enough, kept thinking I could get back to where I was a few weeks ago when the urges were very low

10. What were your Commitments to Change during those three weeks?
stop fishing, but I didn't

11. List the last three weeks of your Faster Scale results. What was the lowest level you reached each week prior to relapse?
Was not using the Faster Scale at all

12. In detail, describe the Double Binds you were struggling with during those three weeks.
Short term stress & pain relief versus the long term pain I am in now
feeling sorry for myself even at a very subtle level vs thinking self compassion = do wtf you want (which is not the answer clearly)

13. Why do you think you never resolved those Double Binds so you could get off the Faster Scale and return to Restoration?
Fundamentally it is all about facing the pain of my reality and embracing my vulnerability versus escaping to the pleasure world, which I know only leads to more suffering - I just gotta find ways to chill that don't involve escapism - story of my life

 

Checking in. Had a weekend full of parties and good socialising. Good way to stay away from relapsing over and over.

Friday: Dinner and night club with a friend.
Saturday: Halloween party.
Sunday: A baby shower for my friend.

Now I need to relax and focus on myself for a bit.

 

I am back! I set my counter to 12AM November 1st, 2021, for No Nut November. So that puts me at just over half a day. Since I was last on back in August 18th, I have PMO'd about 14 times, with this weekend being 3 of those 14 times. I have also MO'd an additional 10 times, and I have viewed without MO about 3 times. So in the last 75 day, I have had 58 days no P, 51 days no MO, and 48 days no P or M. I joined a recovery program that emphasized figuring out why we view, and while he encouraged MO as an alternative (as he says, if you are a pornography, masturbation, and sex addict, trying to cut out all three at the same time is a recipe for failure). I don't buy into the whole semen retention thing, but I have figured out the reasons why I view and MO, and I want to try cutting out the MO again. I found that by allowing myself to MO these past 75 days, that I can go days without touching myself when I am feeling confident. While I no longer think I am a compulsive MO'er, especially without P, I also realized that there are a lot of emotional reasons why I MO, and addressing those reasons will go a long way to reducing my sexual behavior. I find that I do not generally view P or MO on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, which begs the question, why weekends? Well, I am lonely on weekends, and that causes stress. And what do I do when stressed? I PMO. So, if I want to end this addiction once and for all, I need to end the stress on weekends. That means setting proper expectations, getting out of the apartment, and keeping a fantasy journal to understand why I do what I do. Our fantasies are tied to our emotional state and now that I know why I view what I view, I want to expand that to what I am think just before (and godforbid after I MO) to understand what is going on. However, since it is No Nut November, I figure I would rejoin the forums for the month to practice self-discipline and understanding my emotional state. If (when) I make it through the month clean, I will reevaluate. Will I stay on the forums, or will I try other things? So my time on the forums may be temporary, or I may become a White Wizard. We shall see. It all depends on what I learn this month. However, I think November can be more than just a NoFap month, it can also be the month I get back into my positive habits. So we will see.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

Very helpful insights - please keep posting about your recovery program

 

Both this and the calendar idea are very helpful - thank you