Six Months Without Porn: How and Why

I am 38 years old and I started looking at internet porn right around the age of 13. I suffered through a drug addiction from about 13 to 17 and then turned hard towards porn as my means of avoiding growing up. I'd say I was at my worst when I was 18/19. All night binges, shit job, no life, no friends, and no prospects. Eventually I got my life on track but the porn never went away. It just became part of how I managed my life. It was just something that I did, because everyone does so whatever.

Last spring I had back to back experiences with an ex-girlfriend and a new prospect that forced me to confront the fact that I never really learned how to relate to women properly. Or men for that matter. I developed the bare minimum of social skills to hold a mediocre job, land mediocre women, make mediocre friends, and live a mediocre life. It is in confronting this reality and its consequences and working to overcome them that my porn habit has fallen away. No amount of resolving or scolding was enough. I had to see what I was avoiding. I had to become willing to look at what I was using porn to hide.

Here's a short list of things I did and am still doing to create my current circumstances:

1) I changed careers to a job that is more interesting, more challenging, and more lucrative. I am not rich by a long shot, but I am no longer stuck inside the public school system. Not only does that job not pay, but the whole thing is a farce. I'll spare you my soap box. Short version, if you hate your job quit and find something better.

2) I Exercise. A lot. It started with "The Pushup Daily Thread". Then I got a jump rope. And then a chinning bar for my bedroom door. And then some resistance bands. And then a gym membership. I recently added yoga. My current schedule allows for two CrossFit style classes each week, two yoga classes, and two days of lifting. Short version, if you are fat go lose the weight if you are scrawny go put on muscle.

3) I started developing hobbies. I took a metal working class on a whim and really liked it. It is a bit of a drive from where I live but that is two nights each week I am doing something other than sitting on the couch. I also have sculptures to show for my efforts. I rediscovered the guitar that had gradually transformed into wall art over the years and am now learning new songs. Short version, find a hobby and start developing it into something you can show off.

4) I started trying to develop my social life. Developing and maintaining friendships is an acquired skill. I tried soccer and I hated it, but then I found a volleyball league that I liked a lot more. The sport is light, fun, and I get to meet new people. I also started going back to 12-step meetings. Short version, find ways to meet new people and make new friends.

5) I started journaling and meditating regularly. I have a thread on the 30-somethings section of this site where I have experimented with a lot of different writing exercises and otherwise just dumped out my bullshit. I am in the middle of Jordan Peterson's self authoring course. I meditate just about every morning for an average of 10 to 15 minutes. Short version, structure and maintain some time for self-reflection and introspection.

And that's pretty much it. There is nothing novel here. In hindsight it is all starting to seem so obvious. The real problem was not that I was addicted to porn. The real problem was that I hated my life and did not believe I had the power to do anything about it. Porn was my extremely ineffective solution to that problem. Today my life is much better. I like my job, I spend a much larger portion of my free time productively, I am in better shape, and I am less lonely. I have my fair share of challenges but I wont burden this post with talk of those. The blessing is that I am much better positioned to face those challenges than I was six months ago. I'll drop another post here when I make it to one year. If you want to change your life you can. Start right now.

 

Glad it helped. Relevant:

 

I really can’t articulate how upset I was when I blew it with the new girl last spring. I don’t meet many women that I find exciting. I met one. We went out. We made out. And I blew it. And in so doing, I realized how unclear I was about what I wanted out of the rest of my life. How clueless I was about what I wanted from her. How I have made the same mistakes over and over again with different women. How my “successes” no longer want anything to do with me. Or me with them. How my options are so few. How little I had to offer. I came face to face with the fact that at 37 I was in many ways a complete and total loser and I could not hide from that fact. It was as though a small hole broke open in the ceiling of a deep dark cave and light started flooding in.

For the first time, ever, I didn’t even have to try to quit looking at porn. I don’t think I stopped immediately but it was just so obvious how stupid I was. How needy. How pathetic. How prepared to abandon everything I thought I wanted because a women I found attractive was giving me attention I so badly craved. I could go on but I think you get the picture.

So how did I keep doing things? I couldn’t not keep doing things because I couldn’t stand the thought of what I had let myself become. Of how much of my life I have wasted. Of how much my low standards for myself and others has cost me. Once I saw it. Really saw it. There was no turning back.

 

It is completely possible that I will never succeed in the ways I think I should. What I will succeed at is developing and working towards ever increasing standards of excellence that I have set for myself. When I was 19 I don’t know what anyone could have done to help me get my shit together. My father was basically a non event in my life from middle school on. I never got any guidance or modeling of good behavior from him. There was not any positive masculinity in my life so I suffered from the same feelings you are describing. I sought out surrogates in 12 step meetings and eventually at a monastery. I’ve also spent a lot of time talking to counselors off and on over the years.

Internalized feelings of value are the only thing that matters in life. It isn’t that women, degrees, careers, and money aren’t desirable, it’s that they will all be wrong if you don’t understand how valuable you really are. The life that emerges when you understand and act from your value is what makes all the other things worthwhile. Setting and achieving goals helps a lot. Developing productive habits and routines helps a lot. Learning how to relate to your peers helps a lot. And all of this is a lot easier when you have good examples to follow.

Can you find a men’s group in your area? The problems we are facing are very real and very common. Social support systems are starting to emerge from the ground up. If you can find yourself a network and get yourself plugged in you will benefit immensely.

 

Congratulations man. Keep going. Porn does not make us any happier. Is a lie for sure.

 

Social isolation is a serious problem facing a lot of men of all ages. I don't have many answers to that problem yet as I am extremely short on friends and lovers at this point in my life. The fact of the matter is that social networking and relationship developing has always been extremely difficult for me. I am getting better at using my time alone wisely but that is only part of the solution. Without being integrated into a community or a family life is just not worth living. I am making efforts. We all need to make efforts.