The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Day 6 no P

Day 1.875 no MO - Orc

Nuff said

I have not been meeting my goals for a few days. However, that changes tonight. I intend to shower, read and journal in my three journals tonight. The reason I MO'd has a lot to do with a conversation with my therapist. We discussed my addiction, and he said that MO on its own is not bad as long as it is not interrupting my daily life and goals. I see where he is coming from and until with P I am not a compulsive masturbator. I have had a stunted sexuality due to my pornography use and I have completely associated MO with P which he thinks is unhealthy. I am inclined to agree, though it does lead to a conundrum. This challenge requires abstinence from from MO and P. There is no way to complete the challenge if you MO even on occasion, and while I am not morally opposed to MO, and think it can be healthy on occasion, I want to participate in the challenge. My therapist has known me for almost a decade and a half, and he knows my issues with my sexuality better than most, and I trust him more that all of you (no offense). So, with that said, my main think I get out of these challenges is not the motivation to "win" the challenge, but rather seeing everyone's posts. I would like to have complete control over my sexuality (both in a positive way, but also in a non-MO way, though I don't know if that has to do with my issues with some things that happened when I was 14, or if I am morally opposed to MO). So, that leads to this statement. I like posting about my journey to becoming free on here, and I like reading about all of your journeys too, so if it is okay with @RiseToGreatness, I would like to continue posting and participating, even if my journey with no P is what I am focused on. I will not talk about MO at all, even if I do it. You will be able to see my counter, and if I make it say 8 then 15 and so forth, no MO, I will update my rank, but I want more importantly the community. I do not intend to just go out of my way to MO of course, but it feels shitty to have to admit I MO'd, when my main reason for being here is for the moral support from you all, as well as to get clean from P and P-subs for the most part. I know that acknowledging I might MO goes against the spirit of the challenge, but I love all of you and reading your journeys as well as sharing my journey. I will not discuss MO at all, my rank will be kept up to date, but I want to keep up to date with everyone because this is a very supportive group. (Honestly it won't change too much as we all reset a lot and my doing this is to reduce shame, though I will be participating, while remaining true to my support team's suggestions).

I know I have rambled, and I am willing to step away if my acknowledgment on MO being a possibility invalidates my being here, but I want to be here, so if I am still welcome, I would like to continue participating. My counter might not increase very quickly, but if I achieve bliss, I will be a white wizard in no time.

Anyway, have a great day, all, and keep on keeping on.

Best,
Mathman1994

 

What did I do wrong?

1. sexual fantasies and MO - this fueled my urges. But ok, it's a process. I need time to get away from it more and more. So in the meantime I should stay clean from porn anyhow. No porn, no subs, no edging no matter what

2. not recognizing in what situation I was and what was going to happen; not thinking about it and, consequently, not doing anything effective to countermeasure the urge attack.

I think that was about it. I think more mindfulness and vigilant awareness would definitely help. But then there's this chaotic element that comes from the addictive mind. I mean it tries to make you watch porn and it is good in make you blind and numb and decieve you. Even if I'm super mindful at one moment, it can tip over in the next moment and everything starts to fall apart. I also read this, by the way:

There's one more thing I can do: mantras. I seeked for them, I built a little collection which I polished and renewed from time to time, but I never went to consistent practice. But what does it cost me, to say some short mantras every day? Close to nothing!

 

That sounds like a very good plan! So you keep to the rules of this challenge by resetting your counter/rank if necessary but still you totally focus on P. P is what's important for you and not M. You reset silently for M but you'll report and be accountable for everything regarding P. Do I get it right?

 

Relapse. The Nazgul title really fits me during PMO

 

Hey, I heard about your new job. It sounds ..hm... challenging. If you want to hear something motivating I can say this: at least the stuff you see won't shock you so much and won't traumatize you. You can handle them, you can do this job better than many others could and obviously it's better to delete porn and get money for it than use porn and suffer.
That said, I hope you get a better job soon! This doesn't suit you and can't be good for you longterm.
But for now, who knows, maybe you can even learn to deal better with triggering images (at home as well).

One thing's for sure: seeing delicate and scandalous content in your job is ENOUGH. So STOP using porn also in your private time! STOP RIGHT NOW. Of course you can focus on something (despite brainfog). Just try and take your time. Or maybe you need a break from the screen.
If necessary go to your girlfriend and tell her that you're having a rough time. I don't know how are things in bed rn (and I don't need to know) but if sex is out of the question or rare, intimacy is still important! For both of you. It is good that you want to be the man and that you supported her and also try to get more in sync with her and so on. But we can say at least this: it's not easy for you. So much is clear, it's not easy. So YOU need as well support, communication, intimacy (yes, also physically). So if you haven't already, open up to her. Maybe you're afraid to appear weak or too weak, but women usually appreciate it when you open up to them.

I understand what you say about the incredible rush that a pmo session brings. But this isn't bliss. I'm sure there are things that feel even much much better. I admit, the urging sensation, the rush during "the hunt" and also the feeling of preliminary sexual satisfaction (because the final satisfaction is hard to get and goes mostly with disappointment or emptiness) - this is a cocktail worthy for a f*cking serious drug. (By the way, I tried cocain twice and each time to me it felt pretty lame compared to those feelings which I described).
This is the reason that it's so addicting. Otherwise we both wouldn't have this massive problem.

HOWEVER, I think this high is like a knife that's very narrow (and it's like we become narrow ourselves while using). I think there are many natural good feelings that we experience now and then that aren't so strong and like a rush but are much broader and make us happier. Ok, we could debate about this for hours. But my main argument here would be that, although the porn-induced dopamine rush feels admittedly awesome, this is a very short temporarily feeling that we don't need. In fact we know that not only does it not make us any happier in the long run but in fact hurt us and make us depressed (sorry for my messed-up english btw). So if we can say: yeah such a feeling exists and we have had it countless times already, isn't it high time for us to learn or damn lesson and begin to avoid that feeling?! I mean, sure you're brain will miss it and produces negative emotions. But it's not as if we miss anything. If I eat a delicious meal, I'm NOT suffering because I haven't the newest creation of a 5-star-cook on my table. In the contrary, recover for a little bit and you will have high feelings during a simple walk through the park! And you'll think, oh how good I feel, thank God I'm doing this and not sitting in my room with some dull porn movies as I did the last time when the weather was fine. The point is, not only are there many other good feelings to explore in the World, we simply forget how pmo feels like.

Only the damn brain remembers. Obviously it's the brain. It knows the dopamine rush, it wants the dopamine rush and it gets the dopamine rush. We are not higher creatures that stand above that. But our brain is also defined by the ideas and the conversation we have and the plans that we make.

Anyways, this spiral you're in at the moment is definetely unhealthy. And a little bit more than the usual rut of the relapsing porn addict. You seem frustrated, agitated, maybe depressed. The good news is: you doesn't need to stay like this. In fact it won't stay like this, 'cause things are changing constantly. This too shall pass
But don't just wait. You have to do something actively, that's just life.

It's good that you let your negative thoughts and feelings out. But now it's time to let the positive things in again and stop the pessimism. Don't think "oh I'm so powerless and the addiction is so strong and the feeling of pmo so good". You have to actively think against these notions. Turn it around. To your favour!

How about this, Bobido: we meet here again in 20 days (21.11.) and together we will have at least 24 porn free days. Not in the current streaks but entirely. Is that doable, is it a worthy goal? I would say yes. Deal?

 

Exactly

 

One more thing I want to say tonight.
There was a time when "pmo spreadsheets" were quite common and many guys had a link to a google document or so in their Signature. The easiest way is to put a mark behind every clean day in the calendar and some sign for m, p, pmo or whatever you're tracking. Then you can easily check: how was your week, your month, your year.

The counter is also good. But as I said, a spreadsheet puts things in perspective and in some cases it can be much better in terms of motivation.


That's all, see you in ~20 days!

And here's some good music. Mind the lyrics!

 

Break up
So I just discussed with my father breaking up with my girlfriend. She has some emotional, psychological problems I think is from birth, it's just who she is, she has not suffered any trauma because of men or life I will say the opposite she has traumatized men. A man can't change a woman, I've tried to be understanding but it's just not going to work. So I better cut it now.

It took me one hour or more to finally accept it, but the bad things in her are stronger than the good things.

It seems she has a hidden hatred towards men and people in general she is hurtful to her friends and people that help her, including me. To the point right now she has no job and is close to have no place to live because she doesn't want to be living anymore with her friend that is letting her live rent free in her apartment.

I can accept many things but that a woman that dispise you or feels better than you or hates you that is just crazy.

Even sex is hard this way she is not even enjoying it because of this attitude. She is a very difficult girl to have sex with, I've been the only man to give her some type of sexual pleasure because her attitude during sex is very passive and is a reflection of her hatred towards men, she even has vaginism which is pain during initial stages of penetration. I'm quite skilful at sex so I'm able to perform but is not very enjoyable for me anymore. Even do she acts like she doesn't like me, she still wants to be with me I believe because even if she hates men I've been the only one to give her some type of pleasure but she is so distant right now that it even looks like rape. That is just awful, also one must have some dignity you can't have sex with a girl that treats you bad, no respect and no affection.

Even do she is tall, blonde, very young, she is a model. None of that makes it pleasant for me anymore. This is one thing it can happen with extremely beautiful young girls, they believe they are better than anybody.

She was more lovely when I just met her, we talked about sex and she wanted to really enjoy it. Which she did but lately her attitude and her expression of sexuality is almost demon like. She seems to love no-one, doesn't express emotions or affection and if she does express something you can feel anger and hate or just cold.

We'll have officially our first one month anniversary on Wednesday but it's not going to happen.

It's better to cut it now before is too late. I will never put myself down for a woman no matter how beautiful or how much I have invested in her.

So back to celibacy well half celibacy if a girl I like and has good qualities appear I could give a try to love again.

 

When I started nofap
I remember I opened my nofap account on February right after I broke up with the girl I was seeing before this one. She was very attractive, affectionate, lovely, sweet and the best sex I ever had, she was also very young and a bit crazy a nomad changing from town to town and never settles.

I mean guys break ups and relationship understanding women that is the hard thing for me. Sex is just the gift an easy part of life of relationships I just can't imagine having a porn or sexual problem and dealing with girls at the same time, that is just hell.

Even do it can be hard a break up, I'm a master of my domains. I have never depended on a girl to be sexually balanced I always keep my practices like meditation, healthy habits, semen retention, sense restriction to not lose ground.

Stay strong guys life hits you when you least expect it.

 

Thank you for the compliment @Christoph108. @newbobido , I hope my post resonates with you and I hope it will help you on your journey.

 

You will pull through brother, don't give in to self-pity. You're strong, focus on what you can do to level up your self-control. Rekindle whatever material helps spark motivation.

 

476 dqys

 

for sure, thanks for the response.

What all did you eat when you were vegan for those years? Did you ever eat soy or “fake meat” products? I’ve tried eating vegan for a few days or a week at a time but I would start to get anxiety that maybe I’m not getting enough nutrients or something.

Do you think think a vegan diet can make a man able to have sex without any ED pills later into life than a guy who is not vegan?

I remember years back there would be ads online about a guy who is vegan and all the sudden like the best at sex a woman has ever had. Idk if there is any truth in that though

 

Day 1

Checking in. Made a new friend today through a mutual friend, we seem to really get along well so I'm hoping I can hang out with her again.

 

Day 21 on my path of reboot.

 

Day 7 complete!

One week, feels good. Almost had a slip two days ago but I did a good job being mentally aware of the commitments I have made to myself and this community. So thanks, guys. Y'all help people get through tight spots all the time without even knowing it, just by your presence here. Other than that, remarkably clean streak. I barely miss social media. I haven't been great about checking in lately, but I've been filling up my time with other fun, healthy activities so I don't really mind. That said, 8 days has traditionally been a big hurdle for me, so I'll have my entire toolkit at the ready for the next couple of days.

Our Lady of Guadalupe, ruega por nosotros!

 

Day 4 finished!

finaly after a while I received some relief from my better half

No porn for 41 days.

 

Day 3

Feeling maybe slightly irritable right now, but I don't think that was a theme of the day. I'm quite tired after work, so bed soon. This girl I haven't spoke to in years snapchatted me asking for money in a kinda demanding seeming way, so that kinda annoyed me. She keeps sending me messages (along with my ex girlfriend) that I've just been ignoring all day. I'll open them soon. I'm definitely not sending her money. Does she think I'm some kind of simp? Probably has tons of them...

I've kept to all the things I wanted to do today, despite being at work all day so that is good.

 

Day 266

 

Day 14 - Uruk-Hai