Is it just me?

Not just relationship advice. Being sober, having a high streak, doesn't mean anything but what it means: that they haven't PM for a long time. And the reason why they try to abstain is usually selfish. A great amount of them came here because their dicks didn't worked, or they would wanna have more sex.
(But, i prefer as much people joining as possible, because this addiction harms both the mind and the soul. And even by the wrong reasons, it's something good that will heal their perception, understanding and reasoning in actual or future relationships.)

In the end, this place is the intenet. You can find really good people supporting each other, and absolute madness. (I've been in this place for some time, and i already know some accounts with mindsets that belongs to a mental institution or the paleolithic).

And this place in particular, is fulled with porn addicts. Not to be offensive, but their minds (mine too) has been conditioned by years of endless of porn (and selfishness too). It's only natural that their relationship advices are so twisted.

But again, it's not their entire fault. It's too the system they were born in. And some of them are really trying to improve, both for themselves and their loved ones. Focus on them and forget about the rest.

 

@happenstance not only here but in life in general.. Only take advice from people that went thru similar problems than yours and succeded to figure them out.

 

I don't know what category I fall in, I'm sure as an addict I give loads of bad advice. But I don't know what I don't know. I will say a lot of us immature broken men have at our core some longing for validation. Often we give counter perspectives because we are hurt. And hurt people hurt people.

It's interesting that you suggest 100's days sobriety is no measure of wisdom, then say "perpetual failure" and "continuously relapsing" as if it somehow would negate their authority. Which is it?

Like much of the internet or world at large, eat the meat, spit out the bones. Take it with a grain of salt. Opinions are just like A-holes, everyone has one, and they usually stink.

Be kind to yourself, I hope your heart can discern helpful truth from the loads of crap. Trust you gut. Peace.

 

Are you really surprised that a forum full of men addicted to watching porn give bad relationship advice? Weird take.

If anything, the rebooting in relationships forum just helps us guys in relationships relate to each other and our struggles to overcome the addiction.

I also have seen posters here with terrible advice. Luckily they are easy to spot and ignore. It's a public forum so you get all kinds of different opinions.

 

It's a forum of flawed people giving their best ideas of help and advice. I definitely see plenty of posters with bad advice, they often are called out or just ignored. I see a lot of people with good advice too. I think the more that we post the more we feel less likely to relapse.

Imagine if this was a heroin addiction forum. You have recovering addicts from all spectrum of recovery giving advice.

At the end of the day we can't save everyone, but the fact that they are on this forum means they have a desire to get better.

 

Too many red pillers that don’t value compromise or see some Randian approach to life as the answer.

 

Okay I'll bite.

Again if you don't know you don't know, how would you regulate whether to give advice or not? Yes bad advice is destructive, I agree.

This went completely over my head. I don't understand. But what I do know is, not all hurt people are intentionally hurting others. Nobody is perfect.

You're probably right. There are many people who should reset. I don't judge a person by their days sober, it's just a number. It doesn't define thier recovery or growth. Why does it even matter to you if a person should reset and doesn't. It's thier number, they are the only ones who know if it's meaningless. 100 days is great, and 100 days is also meaningless.

2 things here.
Yes a broken person will still want validation even if thier wrong. It often becomes as important to be recognized, appreciated, or understood as it is to be right. We often do an awful job recognizing someone's underlying pain in their responses. We would do better to show love and kindness first, before correcting their position.
2ndly, I feel some projection here about defending to the very end. One can not assert constructive criticism. It will always come across as just criticism. Unless a person is humble and asking for feedback, they won't take another's preachy, self-righteous criticism as constructive. Correcting another's point of view is exactly not validated thier experience and usually does more harm than good. Nobody is 100% right 100% of the time.

I wasn't cherry picking anything. Why so must disdain? You said hundreds of days mean nothing, 1000 days does. I say neither matter. It's just a number, there are dry drunks.

Wow, animated response, I wonder what provoked that. Nobody on here is saying PMO is okay. My analogy to eat the meat, grain of salt was merely in reference to opinions expressed on the forums. Nobody is asking you to accept a normalized worldly mindset. In fact, It's wonderful that you don't, and are fighting against it's destructive influence.

I guess my words don't translate my intentions clearly. I'm not supposing your heart isn't fine, you can't discern, or you don't trust your instincts. I'm wishing you the very best as you do these things since the forums and advice herein can be so muddy. I'm glad you are being kind to yourself, it's important.

I do think the thread was about you. The title literally says IS IT JUST ME?

 

I think at the end of the day we are all just trying to recover from our bad habits in a positive and encouraging environment.

 

The people who follow their advice, mainly. Otherwise there is no authority. The ones who tend to follow any advice are those who are looking for confirmation that their actions are okay.

Communication is nothing without comprehension, this I agree with. You can be the best communicator in the world, but it will mean absolutely nothing if people don't comprehend the point you're trying to make. In regard to that, what I am comprehending about what Reverent is saying is basically that, if something you have done works for you, and you told others about it and it worked for them, then you will believe it is the right thing to do even if it is wrong. You don't know you are wrong because it worked, therefore you continue to offer it up as advice to others because you honestly don't know otherwise.
It is the ones who are not open to changing their minds that I feel you are upset about, and yes, those people can be difficult to communicate with. If someone tells another addict on here that the best way to overcome an addiction is to push all your feelings down and never look at them again, then go lift some weights and hook up with women, and it works for that person, they won't see anything wrong with their advice. At least, not until all those feelings and emotions explode into their face one day after a major trigger, then they can no longer hold themselves together. But it worked temporarily, right? Unfortunately, this is where a lot of these men get stuck. They are programmed to believe that showing emotions isn't masculine and they are "weak" or "beta men" or whatever the terms used are. The advice givers may have perceived success for a period of time, which adds to the notion that their advice is solid and genuine, but when their own emotions come back to be faced, they'll learn that their advice isn't so great. Or they won't.

They can't recognize in others what they are unable to recognize within themselves. Most of the men on here have absolutely no idea how to confront and handle their own feelings.

I'm going to disagree with you on this one though. Not all addicts exhibit NPD behavior. Some may be selfish, yes, but it doesn't always fall into a category that would be considered straight up narcissistic. Just like the recovery path, this greatly varies from person to person on how behaviors are exhibited. There are men who honestly have no idea that porn is bad because they are taught it is normal from a young age, and once they realize it hurts their SO, they do whatever they can to quit while trying to do everything they can to help their SO.
NPD is something that is exhibited prior to 8 years of age. If they are already addicted to porn by age 8, then you would never know if it was due to the addiction or due to upbringing.

And to answer the original question, yes. I see it all over the place, honestly. I have also seen men on here tell women that we don't know what we want, only men know what we want, therefore we can't provide advice to men who are trying to better themselves in a relationship or on the dating scene. Some of these men are well over 500 days according to their counters, but they are convinced that women just either are all one way or another, and we can't think as well as men do. As a research psychologist, when I read these threads what I wonder about is how many of these men are terrified of women? As in, how many of these men have been rejected, betrayed, or hurt by women to the point that it made them want to have perceived power over any and all relationships with women and that is why they refuse to see us as equals? I do think this is a real issue and needs to be addressed if they are to ever fully heal.

 

I didn't write about validation, but as i see it, the writer was refering to the psichological term. Which means, accept that their problem is "valid". Not that it is good, just that it is normal (=common). That he is nor a monster nor a mental deviated for having develop such addiction. He is (partially) a product of our society, and in this forum he can talk freely as he couldn't in his life. Because we all share his misery, won't judge him and want to heal.
It's not about validating wrong mindsets, and the maturity to take advice depends on each one.

100 days IS shit, precisely when it comes to addiction. Going from PM everyday to abstaining for 3 months, is the real deal. I understand that you can't know because you haven't experienced it, but trust us when we say is something to be really proud of.
Is it the end of the line? It isn't. But 3 months is the time people usually start to feel the changes that have happened in their bodies and minds without them noticing. It's the time when they feel in control of themselves again. It's a mid-term goal. It's coming from the gym and seeing the improvements after months of hard work.
I still felt changes after 6 months. But you can't expect people to go 3 YEARS (1000 days) without PM with the promise that only after those 3 years they will feel better. It is not only false, but discouraging too. 90 days is the established goal we set as a reference point, and quitting forever is the long-term goal.

The counter is only for ourselves, it is not for showing-off. The counter isn't a perfect method of measure. It's the better we have. Just a few weeks ago, i see a user that tripped and fall from 413 days to 0. You can't know the effort behind every counter, and it is unfair of you to judge.
Abstaining, specially at the beggining, is the hardest thing i've ever done. I haven't eat sugar, chocolate, etc... for 3 months (without a single cheap day and at the first try) and i consider it a joke compared to when i abstained from PM for two weeks at the start (which was years ago, the same moment i started PMing). It is only normal that people fail in their struggle. And let me say, you are being unmercyful with all those people. They are trying, they really are, as i did, as i do. But they aren't perfect. They are flawed, weak... Yet they still try. Don't understimate that.

This is precisely the place where P and M are not accepted (with no political or religious attachments). Yet, it has people from all the political espectrum and both religious and atheists. This is the place where everyone who shares PM addiction and want to heal, is welcomed. This is the place for the people who don't accept society's lies abput PM.

Pretending for who? Pretending for what? This place is anonymous. Nobody knows who you are, nobody knows what you've done. There's no point in pretending at all.
And if you try to say that because of what i've said i am the exception, i'm not. The exception is everyone who is here, who strugle for nothing but for his personal heal and freedom, and rejects the flase promises of PM.

I don't first go to the doctor to treat my diabetus. I first go to the doctor because of annoying and painful symptoms. And after being diagnosed, then my treatment start.
People have been kept from the truth. They start noticing the illness once the symptoms appear. And then they search for what is causing that illness. When they come and stay here, is because they accept that PM is self-destructing, and want to heal. Do they come because of selfish reasons? Most do. But that is the first step towards a body recovery. And with time (and proper guides) they will understand the true "benefits", the healing of the mind and the soul.

I agree. And i encourage you to keep that promise.

 

I think the issue is related to the demographics of this site. Who would be ideal candidates to give relationship advice?

1. Men (addicts) with strong recovery in thriving long term relationships
2. Women (addicts) with strong recovery in thriving long term relationships
3. SO's (who have recovered from betrayal trauma) in thriving long term relationships

Let's look at the numbers in each group:

1. Maybe a handful of people? I've noticed that some men in strong recovery stick to the journal sections only. This lowers the number even further.
2. Unknown. Also I don't think I've ever seen someone in this group comment on posts in the Relationship section.
3. Unknown. I would guess zero.

The number of people who would be best suited to give advice is very low and thus comments are more likely to come from lesser qualified members.

 

I understood what you meant. The main reason I wanted to make that distinction is because currently, there is no cure for NPD and it can be very daunting for someone who is trying to get away from an addiction to hear something along the lines that "addicts have narcissism" if that makes sense? It was less for you and more for whoever comes to these forums and reads what is written.
My husband also displayed characteristics of NPD through his addiction/recovery and we are still not sure if it is part of his personality or part of his addiction. His runs pretty deep, which is why it is difficult to tell at this point. I do know there are addicts are there that are generally empathetic to their partners though, and although they may struggle with urges and temptations, will still get on the level of pain their SO displays and do what they can to help them.

This is true, as it stunts cognitive growth especially if the addiction took place during the second pruning process (during the teen years). You know how teenagers make impulsive decisions and don't think about the consequences until well after the fact? This is due to the prefrontal cortex not being fully developed, so it is truly difficult for them to weigh the cause and effect of their actions. With addicts, these features (impulsive decisions, lying to stay out of trouble, justification of their actions, etc.) cement into their development as neurons that go unused in the prefrontal cortex get pruned. Their abilities to reason effectively is diminished. Now, they can learn how to function at greater levels thanks to the fact our brains are plastic and memories malleable, but it takes a lot of work to "heal the brain" because they have to learn to activate neurons that have been unused, or their neurons have to "grow over" the damage.

I have an enormous curiosity about how to understand people on the levels they operate in order to help them as much as possible. It can be overwhelming at times though.

This, unfortunately, is an all-to-common story. There may have been perceived justice for awhile, but in the end, she was drinking her own poison, sorta speak. That is what we all do from time to time when we let our emotional turmoil get the better of us. It doesn't impact the other people as much as it impacts us. Our body chemistry is sensitive to emotions and will change according to our state of mind. In other words, if you are angry a lot of the time, the chemicals released as a result will eventually turn on your own body, thus, accomplishing nothing. My husband has struggled with anger outbursts since I have known him. He would get so mad at the kids for things they do or don't do until I started to turn it around and ask him "why is it that them not cleaning up after themselves bothers you so much?" After he reflected for a bit, he realized it was because he himself is notorious for leaving messes around for others to clean up. What we put out is often what is our own internal struggle.

Thanks for responding to clarify your statement.