33 days without porn and masturbation

This is my longest streak. I know about the addictive and brain-changing qualities of porn for about 4 years now. I tried multiple times to quit it, but I have never passed two weeks. During all these years, I have never tried rebooting by giving up masturbation also. I tried to quit porn while continuing masturbation. I always imagined that it would be too hard without masturbation; the urges will be so much strong that, I would succumb to porn. I always kept masturbation in my previous rebooting attempts. Boy, I was wrong.

I am doing the hard mode (no porn, no masturbation, no social media, no movie, no tv) now, and it is my longest streak. It is going pretty well. The hard mode is the easy mode. I have eliminated all the social media. I have never used Facebook, Instagram, etc. in my life. But I was a regular visitor to a famous social media site (Ekşi Sözlük) in Turkey. I eliminated that. I was watching Youtube; said goodbye to it too. I was reading news media daily; removed it from my life. I am an avid movie watcher; I haven't watched a single movie during my reboot. Removing all this bullshit (yes, I can now see that they are bullshit, apart from some really good movies that one encounters once in a while) eliminated nearly all of the possible triggers. I visited that famous local social media site a couple of days ago, I immediately closed it after about 30 seconds. It is a huge garbage heap that people flock and blurt out some retarded things, like every social media site. I have become intolerant of this bullshit I suppose.

I have never experienced any strong craving during these 33 days. Because I have eliminated all the possible sources of triggers: news media, social media, movies, Youtube, etc. I am filling this time with long walks; meditation (I reached 1-hour uninterrupted meditation); reading, and taking notes about those reads; journalling; and self-talk.

In the second week, there were immense feelings of depression and emptiness. Long walks and meditation were very effective in beating those feelings. I used to have severe social anxiety; from the second week on, it started to go away. I feel more confident now. I even wasn't able to go for a walk, sit in a cafe with the fear that I might encounter someone I know. This thought seems so ridiculous to me now, but back then, it was confining me to home. I contacted friends that I haven't talked for a long time. My concentration and mindful awareness increased dramatically. I feel more tranquil now.

 

It is possible to find on Youtube some valuable stuff. But generally, and for the most part, that valuable stuff is inundated by junk content. You expose yourself to 95% junk to reach that 5% valuable stuff. I realized also the fact that even the valuable staff is shallow, the way it is presented isn't disciplined and organized. I can't comment on music learning, but the best way to learn something or research something is good old books. It is impossible to reach the depth, concentration, organized form of the presentation of ideas a book provides with the internet content. Internet is inherently shallow, unorganized; and this structure of the internet sooner or later starts to conquer your brain also. (I can recommend a book on this: The Shallows by Nicholas Carr) Besides and more importantly, Youtube and most of the other sites are using the same trick of conquering the dopamine reward system. Of course, porn is the most dangerous, harmful, and the strongest version of this trick since it uses the most intense urges to hook your dopamine system. But in the end, they (Youtube, other social media, porn) all are the same.

Regarding meditation, I can't express my feelings in words. But I can tell that the experiences intensify after about 45 minutes. One starts to enter some new territory after about 45 minutes; a sense of mindfulness, awareness of being here and now, slowing and intensification of the flow of time, etc. It is really hard to describe in words.

 

I don't have PIED, so I can't comment on that.

 

Still going well. I don't have many cravings. In fact, I only have occasional cravings and they go away pretty quick. I am really angry with myself why I didn't try hard mode before. Masturbation certainly triggers some neural pathways that create intense cravings about porn. I relapsed several times during masturbation in my past reboot attempts. My brain tricked me like this: since you masturbate, you can also watch some porn. You masturbate anyway why don't you make it properly, more enjoyable? You can just watch "that" video for 5 minutes, it will be quicker than only MO. But you know what happens. Several hours of binge, extreme remorse, frustration, loss of motivation afterward. Then you trick yourself even more: Since I watched yesterday, I can also watch today, and on and on. Youtube or other websites with their ads are very strong triggers. I was in femdom lately, so seeing a hot lady in high heels with a short skirt was an instant trigger. It was extremely difficult to extricate myself from this. Cutting out Youtube, Netflix (I canceled my subscription), news media eliminated virtually all of these triggers. I also realized that women in real life don't trigger my addiction as these pixelated representations of women do. Perhaps this is an indication that porn addiction isn't about sex per se. It is a fantasy, escape mechanism that you bury some other problems using the strongest natural urge. Apart from these, I can't emphasize enough the importance of long walks. Especially for the first week. Walk, walk, and walk; at least 10 km in a day. And listen to anti-porn material, rebooting, etc. while walking. It kills cravings and keep the motivation awake.