Trying to become human (Journal)

Hello guys, my name is Aashu, I am 21 right now, i am a student and currently pursuing company secretary course along with my graduation. please forgive me for my English, i am trying to improve it. I started watching porn when i was 15 years old and i got to know about it from a classmate, i think most of the students got to know about it from their friends or classmate. So i was in class 8th and before knowing about porn i was good at studies i didn't like studies but i was good at it because my mother use to teach me and force me to study well so that i could pass. I am an introvert and i don't know how to start a conversation with the stranger so i stay most of the time at my home. When my classmate told me about porn i thought that he was lying and there is no such thing like that yes i know this is weird but i didn't know about the thing called sexual intercourse let alone porn and the reason behind that was my introvert nature and not socializing with people and when that chapter comes in biology called reproduction our teacher was not able to teach that to us that well because the students were mischievous and they made fun of teacher and another reason is that in our society sex is considered as a bad thing that's why people don't talk about it( there is a need to introduce sex education)
so when i came to know about porn I started watching it and it was a whole new experience for me, as the time passes i became an addict and i didn't know about my addiction and there was no guilt at that time and one thing i want to tell you guys is that i kept my door open while watching porn(dumbest thing performed by any mortal in the world) because at that time i was only watching porn and not masturbating so one day my father caught me watching porn( embarrassment level 1000), when my parents came to know about this they took my phone from me and i couldn't talk to them because of the immense guilt, my parents were very disappointed and i confess to them that my classmate told me about this and i am watching this from class 8th, i cried a lot, I still remember that time when i used to come from my tuition and because of immense embarrassment I goes to my room and listened to fm radio ( they took my phone but gave me a feature phone), as the time passes by my parents gave me my phone but at that time i didn't knew that this porn has become an addiction. I started watching it again, now my door was closed I started masturbating when i was in class 12th (i know its weird) and after that incident( parents caught me) I tried to quiting porn and after that incident i was also feeling guilty as i was not only betraying my parent's trust but also i was ruining my life. I have tried to quit porn a 1000 times or more and every time i stopped i failed miserably. My relapse excuse was that i said to myself that i will do it(nofap) from next month next week or next year. Weeks became into months and months became into years and here i am with same horrible addiction. that's why i decided to join this nofap website, here at least i can talk to you guys and i can read your experience and learn from it and share my experience as well & we can defeat this evil together. I have start my NoFap from July 1 2021 that is yesterday and Day 1 was ok, I didn't get any urges. I am trying to abstain myself from porn for at least 21 days (my longest streak is 18 days) If i complete 21 days than i will go for more and i don't know but this time i just feel that it is going to be different, i am going to defeat this monster and i am going to end this right now and i really hope that god will give you the power to defeat this monster and help you to push through your limits.

I'll start maintaing my journal from today and will keep you posted

Peace

 

Thanks a lot J29, means alot to me, I hope the best for you too.

 

Day 2
So I started my day with a morning walk, here there is monsoon season so the weather was awesome. Never in my life i felt this much motivation and the reason behind that was the fact that people are fighting porn and want to change their life for good. Then I had my breakfast and enjoyed tea with my family. I also played ludo with my father on phone. After that i listened to music by that time it was lunch time so i had lunch. After that I slept and i slept for quite long because i didn't sleep yesterday. After waking up it was Dinner time i had my dinner and now here i am updating my progress. I know my routine lacks studies bathing and workout and i thought that why my routine is messed up and why am i not studying and doing basic chores as normal people do and the answer to that is the evil that i have been feeding last 8 years, looks like it has messed up my brain reward system and i do not get any pleasure in doing any work. Then i thought to myself that i should create a need to work towards my goal and found one. and yes today i didn't felt any urges whatsoever. I just have to make my routine and everything will fall in place & i know that for sure that i am going to add discipline in my routine and make my life better. I hope your nofap journey is going good too and wish all the power for you guys .


Peace

 

Sorry Guys that I didn't update my daily progress
Actually I have joined a new thread where I am posting my daily updates

 

Hello Guys, I am starting to write my journal on regular basis and today is the 8th day in my nofap journey, till now I have faced some mild urges and yesterday night was very difficult for me as I was facing strong urges to watch porn but I resist myself.

There is lack of discipline in my life. I procrastinate a lot and I know that this is the reason that evil has won. But I really want to change myself, really want to become the best version of myself, these 8 days I have not followed my time table and yes I have procrastinated a lot. But I don't want my journey to be short and i want this streak to be indestructible I want this as my last and final successful streak. I have been dealing with this evil for almost 9 years but now I want to leave this habit in 2021. That feeling when you watch porn and when the counter comes back to 0 is really demotivating I know failure is not the end but still I have faced enough failure and now is the time to bounce back stronger than ever. From tomorrow I'll be journalling my entire day I'll share my thoughts with you and about the activities I do in my day.

 

Day 9
I don't know what to say guys I didn't follow anything I said tomorrow, it's like the evil within is stronger than the good. I have a fear about studies, i just don't want to read books. I mostly use phone in day. The only good thing about this day is that I am alive(because everyday you must be greatful to god for every single breath you are taking, it's my opinion) and i didn't encounter any sexual urges whatsoever. Let's see what happens on day 10.

 

Thank u so much friend I'll try to inculcate more good habits as I go far in this journey. I wish you all the best for your journey too.

 

Day 10
I woke up late but I tried meditatating for 10 minutes and it worked. I didn't do studies and workout but I did try meditation and it worked so I am happy with that and my streak has reached 10 days so that is a good thing my longest streak is 18 days just 8 more days and this will be my longest streak. There is a sense of peace and satisfaction in me because I am not watching porn and am not masturbating. There is sense of morality and purity that I can feel in me.

Today is day 11, let's see what happens next.

 

The evil is calling me. I am feeling urges in me but I am resisting them because I want this to be the last and successful streak I am not going to give up again like I did thousand times. My mind is trying to give me excuses to relapse it is saying how good those few minutes were when you watch porn but the warrior mindset keeps resisting those thoughts by saying that it is all illusion and i will regret after breaking this streak. I will fight guys and i really want you guys to fight this devil as well. Don't waste your life on porn you are a warrior within just lift your weapons(willpower) and fight i am sure you'll win.

 

Day 11
Right now while I am writing this to you I can still feel mild urges but this time I'll not let it win. Today i did meditate and the rest of the day was usual. Actually my weak point is at night time. I starts to get 90% of the urges at night. So right now I am dealing with that but it's mild but I will fight it. I'll try to sleep now to pass the night time.

 

Yes friend, I won over that evil, i resisted those urges and it created more motivation for me to move forward. And I'll surely take cold showers and i will start workout from tomorrow. Thank you so much friend

 

Day 12 is about to end and my evil mind is finding excuses to watch porn i just searched on Google- is it okay to watch softcore porn? Even though I know any kind of porn is bad then i close that tab i thought I should share my feelings with you. Right now I m just gonna put my phone aside and I'll try to sleep

 

Thank u so much friend after posting that message I immediately went to sleep and fortunately I slept well without any bad dreams and now i am happy that I didn't gave in. Every single step makes a person stronger bit by bit

 

Day 12
I don't even remember what I did yesterday. It's the same usual day where I don't work on myself. The only good thing about the day was that I didn't relapse and i resisted. This is happening with me first time that I am actually resisting myself from porn and i am actually fighting now. In my earlier streaks i gave up quickly resisting a little bit but this time it is finally happening with me. Maybe my good mind really want to end this in 2021.

 

I really don't know what to say because my mind is storming with random thoughts, mild urges are there and i am feeling some kind of pressure in my heart. It's like the good and evil are fighting to survive. Till now I am not following my schedule, i am not meditating regularly, i am not studying, all the time i continuously consuming internet from my mobile even though i am aware of the fact that consuming lot of phone will make my physical and mental state worse. I want to share with you guys that i didn't like self studies from the beginning but my mother used to teach me until class 7th and 8th and when i was in school i used to do homework given by the teachers i was never that type of guy who self studies regularly for certain hours. I am that type of guy who study with full concentration in school or college but don't study a thing at home unless its exam. i came to know about porn in class 8th. i was already not doing studies at home. In 2018 i was studying for CS Foundation( Company secretary course 1st level) and i cleared it because i was studying at coaching and that time too i was not self studying at home and in 2019 I failed in CS Executive ( 2nd Level of Company secretary course) and the reason was obvious i was not self studying at home which is the most important thing when you are pursuing a professional course. In 2020 Covid was there and lock down was imposed in March 2020 and i was staying at home doing nothing but surfing internet. I didn't gave my CS exec. exams in 2020 and now it's 2021 and i still haven't appeared for cs examination. So basically I have wasted 3 whole years of my life. It was already difficult for me to self study at home and porn and masturbation addiction made it worse. Most of the nights i sleep in disgust i feel like i am betraying my parents trust, they have given me all the facilities that they can and still i am not doing anything i am just sitting at home doing nothing. Every night I talk to myself that tomorrow i will be disciplined but i do nothing it's becoming a habit to not touch the books. I was already a procrastinator and now this is becoming worse. I know this NoFap streak will be over for sure if i don't do something. And the problem is that i know the solution to my problems but i am not acting upon them, it is pointless when you know something is good for you and even then you don't do it. Any kind of YouTube motivation is not working for me. Sometimes I think that maybe i should tell my parents that i am suffering from this addiction but i am afraid that they will be devastated and they will feel betrayed, my mother always asks me whether i am studying or not and i fools her every time by saying that yes i am studying. I am taking advantage of my parents innocence and love. So much is going on my mind right now that i am really confused. I don't know why i am writing this thing in my journal, i just want to tell you that you can achieve whatever you want in your life just don't give up on yourself. Even if i wasted 3 years it doesn't mean that it is the end of the life for me. What's done is done the only thing to do with these wasted year is learn and see why it happened? and what made you weak? why didn't you fight? and move forward. Well, i have said so much negative things but here is the biggest positive fact that will destroy all the negativity- We all face different problems in life, sometimes we fail, sometimes we win. Some hit the lowest point of their life and give up and Some achieve larger than life success and become arrogant but the ones who never give up and move forward with hardwork, honesty and humbleness are considered "THE WARRIOR"