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Why some women insist in being friends when breaking up a relationship?

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by RogerFM, Nov 9, 2021.

  1. RogerFM

    RogerFM Fapstronaut

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    And gets offended when you don't want to? I understand that in a way it's mature to be friends when you break up with someone. But it's also mature to realize when it's hurting you, when you can't just simply smile along and pretend that nothing happened. I just broke up to someone and she made it look like I was coercing her, whether we stay together or I end the relationship.

    It's not that, I need time, I need to break contact so I can focus on myself, she says she loves me, but wants to focus on herself, but wants a platonic relationship, I told her I couldn't do it, I couldn't just, love her, want her, and just ignore all that. And she acted like I was pressing her, no, I wasn't I understand that she doesn't want to be with me, why can't she understand that if, so, I need to be alone?
     
    c&c6 and ndaty like this.
  2. Because not all relationships end up in fight, some just see that they don't fit each other.

    Do as you need. If you need to take time, take it. You can't just ignore your feelings and act as if nothing has happened between you two.
    But, maybe with time you may end up feeling alright being just friends (without other emotions interfering), so don't close that possibility.
    Try to explain her how you feel, and that you are open to reconnect as friends in the future.
     
    ndaty, Bemybest and WildEntheology like this.
  3. NothingMoreNothingLess

    NothingMoreNothingLess Fapstronaut

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    I couldn’t be “just friends” after a break up with a woman. I would feel pain seeing her with another man all the time, and I wouldn’t care about her stories of her new boyfriend/husband because it is like a blow to me. I would just go no contact, unfollow from social media, and move on. And I wouldn’t want a love triangle to occur if feelings will resurface again, which they usually do.
     
    c&c6, Upwards2020, ndaty and 4 others like this.
  4. RogerFM

    RogerFM Fapstronaut

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    That's what I did, I cut all contacts. Rn I'm itching to send her a message, so I'm glad I have no way to do it. I feel that being distant is way better to forget someone. I guess I could be friends with her again, but after a long time, after I stop feeling love. Rn it would be just torture.
     
  5. It is Finished

    It is Finished Fapstronaut

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    It's usually just a way of softening the blow of the bad news. That or trying to keep you around as a backup if her new plans go south.
     
  6. SickSicko

    SickSicko Fapstronaut

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    Burn bridges like a madman mate, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

    @NothingMoreNothingLess spitting hard facts.
     
  7. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself man. If you need to go no contact then tell them you need to go no contact and don't intend to pursue a platonic relationship. Their reactions and feelings are their problem and for them to handle.

    There could be many reasons why they ask to be friends but if they get offended because of your own needs, it's a good sign of immaturity. Good chances they didn't properly acknowledge your needs and feelings while in the relationship either.

    I would even go as far as to say it's a form of manipulation because by acting offended, they negate your experience and make it look like you shouldn't feel the way you do.
     
  8. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    Sometimes relationships don't work for whatever reason. Usually is one person in the relationship that realizes this first and still cares about the other person but doesn't see both romantically. So that person want to remain friends.

    But the other one is not able because it's still in love.

    In that case if the two persons remain talking and seeing each other one has to be clear that you are just friends and nothing more.

    And for God's sake don't have sex
     
  9. fredisthebes

    fredisthebes Fapstronaut

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    :)
    Because it's flattering to have a guy trying to win her back, that she can take out and about etc or hang about with if her dating life isn't going that well. Girls very rarely go straight into another successful relationship, any more than guys do.
    Also, she probably likes your company.

    It's a really tough thing to do but the best thing to do is tell her once that you need space, then ignore her for at least 3-4 weeks (then review how you feel). If you miss female company, get a date or two. Go online, keep your eyes open at work or parties and ask someone, not hard to get a date, and it'll help you feel better about yourself.
    After a few weeks review how you feel, be honest with yourself, and if you want her as a friend then I see no reason why not. I've never managed friendship with exes, not for want of trying, but plenty of people do.
    It might put off future girl of your dreams if you are still hanging about with your ex all the time though.
     
    88991s likes this.
  10. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    There are 3 main scenarios:

    1. The woman wants to keep the attention from the guy without giving him any attention, romance, or even just mind of day. This happens very rarely, and won't happen to the same guy very often. This type of relationships style is completely unsustainable; if guys see multiple other guys try to start a relationship with a girl, she leads them on, and then puts him in the friend-zone, she is just going to have way less guys interested in her over time. Women who do this a lot are really shitty people that you shouldn't associate or try to court with. Women who are persistently manipulative like this either have a significant anti-social disorder or severe mental health issues/trauma.

    2. The woman is afraid that if she lets the man down too much she will be in danger, so instead of outright rejecting him, she gives him an opportunity to have minimal amounts of affection and a chance (there's really no chance) at a relationship. This situation is really common, especially with the rise of internet usage, high speed porn, and lack of socio-sexual development. Both genders are becoming less able to see the signs of attraction in interested or disinterested partners, but men suffer from this more. Coupled with a lot of other societal factors, men are kind of leading themselves on and reacting in pretty bad ways. I haven't been intimidating or violent with any woman, but I've definitely been really disappointed and incel-y a couple time. I'm not trying to knock on all men, but dealing with rejection in bad ways is a problem with us right now. Women are afraid that we will hurt them, even if the interaction is over the internet, so instead of rejecting us they give us some hope (even though there is really no chance). This type of interaction is increasingly common.

    3. The woman just doesn't know how to handle the situation, and just blurts out that you two should still be friends. This is a women problem, not a guy problem. The women know what they want: they don't want to date you, but they don't know how to let someone down the right way. They aren't afraid of how you'll react, they just don't know the right words.

    I've friendzoned two girls I know, and this was my simple response: "I'm really flattered, you're super funny and super cute, but I don't think a relationship between us is going to be very healthy right now. I understand if you're upset, and I've totally been there before, and I'm sorry to let you down. You're awesome and I'm sure you'll find the person (or people) and relationship(s) you're looking for, it's just not going to be me." Both times this happened was with girls much younger than me; it would have been a pretty inapporiate relationship. They both didn't explicitly ask me out, but said they wanted to do X activity with me, and I had to bring the hammer down. They were both pretty sad but took it well. Since they were in my friend group, I also said "I think we should give each other some space for a while and think about how we both really feel since it's obviously not going to be the relationship either of us intended". If it was someone outside my friend I would just say I wasn't looking for what they were interested in.

    I don't blame girls, but I think a lot of them just don't have the quick decision-making men do in situations like these. They get flustered and don't know how to react, so they just go with the friendzone. I think the majority of freindzonings are when the women is afraid of how the guy will react, but sometimes it happens just because the woman doesn't know how to get the right words out.


    Regardless of why or how a woman friendzones you, that is the end of the relationship potential. If they are someone you never see or someone outside your friend group, stop talking to them. It's not healthy for either of you to keep it up. I know it sucks, but it's going to be best in the long run.

    I haven't asked out or crushed on any girls in my friend groups for years because I like them as friends and want things to stay that way. Having friends is much better than having a girlfriend. I've also shut down some attempts by female friends to get frisky for the same reasons: I like them as friends, and don't want to jeopardize that. It's not worth it.

    I can't control you asking out girls in your friend group, just really consider the risks. No vagina is worth friendos to chill with. However, if you do come to a point where you friendzone a friend or get friendzoned by one, cut off any thoughts of a relationship right there. It's not happening. If you're told you're being friendzoned, this is what you say:

    "I'm really sorry, I must have been picking up the wrong signals for some time now. I appreciate our friendship and would like to remain friends but I would like to have some space for a bit. I'm sorry if that's weird and I don't want things to be more awkward, but I think it'll be best for us if we minimize contact for a while. Is that ok?"

    Then go from there. If you hang out in groups together that's fine, but don't initiate conversation with her, don't try to talk privately to her, and don't entertain any thoughts of a relationship, they're not there. If you were really picking up signals and you still feel like she's projecting them (pretty common actually! men often mistake simple friendship vibes as dating vibes), then talk to her and say "Hey I'm sorry, I'm getting the same vibes from you as before when I thought you were interested and they're really throwing me off, I think we need some more space. I understand if you don't feel that way, but that's how I feel, and I don't think that will change for some time."


    Ik it sucks dude, but you have to be a reasonable adult about it. It supports good habits, helps your mental health and ego, and makes the girls around you think you're level-headed and reasonable, which is a big turn on.
     
  11. Here's my opinion: if I break up with a girl, then I do not contact her again.

    It becomes an emotional liability that has no reward after that point.
     
    modernstore99 likes this.
  12. RogerFM

    RogerFM Fapstronaut

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    @modernstore99

    "2. The woman is afraid that if she lets the man down too much she will be in danger, so instead of outright rejecting him, she gives him an opportunity to have minimal amounts of affection and a chance (there's really no chance) at a relationship. This situation is really common, especially with the rise of internet usage, high speed porn, and lack of socio-sexual development. Both genders are becoming less able to see the signs of attraction in interested or disinterested partners, but men suffer from this more. Coupled with a lot of other societal factors, men are kind of leading themselves on and reacting in pretty bad ways. I haven't been intimidating or violent with any woman, but I've definitely been really disappointed and incel-y a couple time. I'm not trying to knock on all men, but dealing with rejection in bad ways is a problem with us right now. Women are afraid that we will hurt them, even if the interaction is over the internet, so instead of rejecting us they give us some hope (even though there is really no chance). This type of interaction is increasingly common."

    I think it's mostly this, although, not the violence part. She said to me that she is 'afraid of losing herself while she is vulnerable' or afraid that I'll leave her if she makes a mistake. Basically she said she wanted to work on improving herself before we tried again. But, this is why I couldn't accept it. I cannot try my luck, interact with her knowing that I want more than friendship while she says she needs time and that really loves me but wanted to try a platonic relationship for a while, but the truth is, I cannot simply wait for her to make up her mind when I'm already sure of what I want. She said that she couldnt be with me, if it was 'either we get together or I break the friendship', but it's not about that either, it wasn't about coercion. I explained that the whole situation is unfair to me, and my belief in a relationship is that we should both grow and face things together as a couple not be apart and wait for things to magically fix themselves, this notion that, in 2 or 3 months we would be different people, better people, more enlightened is a really risky gamble and that I was willing to lose her because I just thought it wasn't right. She knew I couldn't simply be with her while I loved her and pretend I didn't feel anything. And in the end that's why I decided to cut the relationship short even as a friend, because in the end I would be the one completely vulnerable, I would be the one in pain and filled with anxiety all the time, not knowing what was to happen, I feel in a way even if it was unconsciously, she wanted to be in a situation of power and control. And in the end, could be that if I just waited as she asked, in the end she would have just decided to still dump me all the same.
     
  13. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    I think your situation is more like the third one I talked about. She doesn't want a relationship, but she doesn't know how to explain it in a way that will crush you. She seems like a nice lady and that she doesn't want you to feel bad, but she also clearly does not want a romantic relationship. The things she's saying don't make sense. She's saying convoluted and complicated things because she's sure of the feeling but unsure about how to share that feeling without hurting you.

    I listed out a mature way to deal with the situation above but I'll reiterate that there's no hope for a relationship between you for some time now. You gotta cut the cord and let go. I'm sorry bud, that's just how it is. Say sorry for misinterpreting the signals and say you need some space for a while.

    It's just not happening dude. You seem kind so just get out there and keep your head up. Just keep being a good dude and you'll get what you want eventually.
     
  14. Legacy of Lost Soul

    Legacy of Lost Soul Fapstronaut

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    Women dont know what real friendship even means. Burn all bridges and move on.
     
  15. RogerFM

    RogerFM Fapstronaut

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    I agree she definitely do not want the relationship, but I honestly feels she just want me around too and is not afraid to hurt my feelings, she does have feelings towards me, but, do not want to be in a relationship for whatever reason. The only reason I don't think it's your first option, is because I don't think she has any ill intent. But regardless, you are right, I would rather move on with my own life and she does what she thinks is best.
     
  16. modernstore99

    modernstore99 Fapstronaut

    Yeah regardless you have to move on. That's how life is. Look forward to finding the relationship you're looking for! It's definitely out there.
     
  17. ShadyPerson

    ShadyPerson Fapstronaut

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    First of all she can't demand that you two be friends if you don't want to. Imo it's almost better if you keep explanations you give her to minimum so you won't trip up on your own words and make the situation look worse than it is. You don't have to justify you not wanting to be friends with her. If you feel like you can't be friends with an ex, it's important that you hold your ground and don't let her abuse that boundary of yours.

    The reason she wants to remain friends is probably as simple as her still caring for you and feeling like she wants to hang out with you. The reason she's lashing out over you not wanting to be friends is because it makes her desicion of breakup harder than she expected it to be. She thought that she'd get to have you in her life even after the breakup. Now she's realizing that she's going to lose you and that hurts.

    She might also not understand your side of the story. She probably thought that all couples who break up on relatively good terms go back to being friends. To her you not wanting to do that feels coercive, because in a sense it is, even though you obviously don't mean it that way. What she's failing to realize though is that you have a right to choose who you want to hang out with and that to a lot of people hanging out with an ex is the last thing they's want to do.
     
  18. Look man, I know it hurts that she friend zoned you.

    But if you feel hurt and lonely, it is your time now to be alone.

    This is your opportunity to build your life the way you want it, unhindered.

    When you pine over her, text her, text other people, go on social media, and
    get bummed, all you do is make it harder on yourself.

    Put your energy and time into your goals. The rest is a waste.
     
    modernstore99 likes this.
  19. LEPAGE

    LEPAGE Fapstronaut

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    Glad to see many posters here have the right idea.

    Walk away.

    You cannot be friends.

    At best it will be painful to watch her chase other men. At worst she will play into your feelings and use you as a slave to do shit for her with no reward at the end.

    Ultimately she does not really care about you.

    Be civil if you happen to meet, but break all contact, and don't keep up on what she's doing.
     
  20. DukeNukem

    DukeNukem Fapstronaut

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    Because they just want attention

    Males and females cannot be friends
     

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