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I'm afraid of people and I don't know why

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Deleted Account, Nov 26, 2021.

  1. Mostly people that I don't know well. Women more than men. I think it's more that I feel unsecure and unwell in my own skin when I meet with strangers that I actually fear the strangers. I'm not sure about my role, I can't express myself well, I reflect a lot what I'm doing instead of just being present and act ... I feel like I'm not up to many, as if I would have secrets to hide or failures to cover up .. I can't deal with conflicts well, my best strategies are to be nice and have nice conversations.

    Nice is good, that's not the problem. But I'm lacking something important.

    The thing is I'm actually not that kind of person. I mean I'm not a small weak guy. I'm an open guy who likes to be in the world so to speak, interact with other people. Yes, I'm more an introvert than I am an extrovert but I also like to be outgoing, to have fun. I could never handle many people at once but I can be selfconfident and happy in a small group - when I'm really into it. I'm not a natural leader, but I'm not coward either.

    Or maybe that's two mes - one that I was sometimes and should be and one that I have become.

    But I said "I'm afraid of people" and maybe it's a little more than shyness and the lack of success and hiding secrets.
    Maybe I'm simply afraid to be myself and go to another person, stand next to him or her, look the person in the eye and say (with my body language) here I am. Deal with it.

    What I'm talking about ranges from a good self-confidence with respects for the counterpart, up to dominating behavior.
    The point is not when is what better, but I just want to be able to act self-confident or dominant. At least when I'm meeting people where it's clear that they pose in no way a threat to me and aren't even acting like it or in a dominant way.

    Now that I see it, I think I get back what I lost, train what I lack.


    Any suggestions, guys?
     
    flexy likes this.
  2. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

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    Maybe you're not really afraid or introverted, just a reserved kind of guy. I also feel wary of strangers since you never know what to expect from them.
     
    icebreaker polarstern likes this.
  3. Hi there, @she-dernatinus !

    Yes the "stranger" someone is to you the more reason to be cautious or to feel wary. But in daily life some are not so strange and still I keep my distance ...

    What's strange, I seem to be afraid at the same time of another and of being intimidating myself. Maybe I'm not afraid of most people rather nervous, at the same time I seem to struggle to find my place.
    Maybe it's just that I feel at ease at most when it's just a nice conversation and I do what I can to please the other which can result in behaving submissive or ignoring bad things. And at the same time I'm not content with that role.

    When I said "struggle to find my place" that's probably my biggest problem: when not everything goes round I seem to look for a place that's really small for myself. I like to cover up and not necessarily with my head down or by looking away, but I have also other strategies where I kind of freeze or just play a role or so.

    The thing is people often want something from me or come up to me with a certain energy while I'm rather passive. I like to talk about what seems to be important and then about the weather and have some tea, what I mean is, usually I don't have an agenda towards people, when I want something I just ask and hope I get a positive answer and often I avoid them.
    My social skills are just not so well trained.
    But there are people with worse social skills like me who are much more straight forward and seem to be just more themselves and less shy / fearful. And that's what I was talking about.
     
  4. she-dernatinus

    she-dernatinus Fapstronaut

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    @icebreaker polarstern I also relate to this, I am a very reserved person and don't like having many social connections. From my experience, most individuals who get well with pretty much everyone, are hypocritical and wear new 'masks' according to their interlocutors.
     
    88991s likes this.
  5. flexy

    flexy Fapstronaut

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    For me personally, it was social anxiety and the fact that I spent so many months not socializing with anyone and just masturbating to porn and playing video games all day. I don't believe that some people can be shy, it's just about the people you hang out with it's almost impossible to see someone act "shy" around siblings or family members.

    I made it a challenge for myself to smile at strangers and make strong eye contact, and I have already seen huge improvement the first week it made me feel like such a creep because I thought some people were thinking what is this guy smiling at lol, but after a while, I noticed that people tend to open up to you more if you smile and make eye contact, and it gave me more confidence because I have always had a resting bitch face.

    Nowadays I even make small talk with random people in college and it has become a fun thing to do because you get to experience meeting new people some of whom can really be interesting!
     
  6. Quezatolah

    Quezatolah Fapstronaut

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    I've been where you are and still am to an extent.

    The fear you feel of social interactions is a pressure to perform. You have internalized beliefs such as needing to make a good impression.

    With women, there is the whole dynamic of sexual tension between you, it's very hard if not impossible to have a natural conversation with a woman without feeling like it's a performance or competition in the back of your head.

    So to sum it up, it's a fear of judgement, you're treating social interaction like a competition to see who makes the best impression and that you only have one chance to make this impression and that you have to impress others.

    Fuck all that, be yourself and only talk to people who like you for you.

    That's what I do, stay away from all that fake nonsense, the crazy thing is you honestly don't even like these people you're trying so hard to impress, they're not worth your time, plain and simple.

    Live your life and relax.
     
    she-dernatinus and 88991s like this.

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