First Steps in Dating

I can't believe I'm actually posting stuff in this sub-forum. Let's say that I never was a master of dating, in terms of real, emotional connections at least... I could post my cool photo on some dating site and keep flirting with girls, charming them and so on... But in the end I was so shy, insecure and pshychologically destabilized, that I wasn't ready to set a date in real circumstances, with real girl. Artificial stuff was enough for me. Why bother when I can jerk off to my favourite porn scene whenever I want?

Everything changed when I started this journey. I have so much motivation within me to actually go out there and take what I deserve... I'm sometimes feeling awkward in public, or shy why talking with someone but in the end I started to see everyday activities as an opportunites to actually expand my comfort zone and gain experience in... living. I've become courageous in my own, personal terms.

After finally getting my driver license I said to myself - "You did a great job, focused entirely on that goal. Now relax, go out there and do something for fun". I went for an online dating site. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of building relationships through internet, still it was something I've done for fun and as a reward. I've matched with one, particular girl who seemed extremely "in my type". We started to text with each other and all of a sudden I ended up with her in my friends list, staying there, waiting for me to take her out on a date. She even openly asked if I would like to meet... I know that she is interested in me, there is just one little problem. I'm not feeling fully comfortable behind the wheel yet...

Just as actually going to the unknown city and hanging out with unknown girl. It would be probably the biggest blow to my comfort zone so far. I know that if I would do this, my confidence would probably skyrocked. I could gain stability, experience... maybe even a girlfriend. I've never been in a relationship before, my body and mind actually force me in some way to "go and get her". I'm hungry. After a nearly one hundred and fifty days of abstinence is understandable though...

I'm scared of what this whole day will look like. I don't know this city, I'm afraid of "forgetting a driving rules", crashing, or just embarassing myself. I'm afraid that I will shy away during the meeting, wash that whole affection away from her because of my lack of experience.

I'm taking a small steps forward in terms of my driving confidence. I know that I'm capable of that, sometimes anxiety just numb me that much, that I'm close to panic. I hate big cities and crowded places, not even mentioning full parking lots...

Still, maybe a relationship with real girl could change me further, give me more motivation. I'm proud of myself so far, but I know that it's just a beginning...

 

Time for a little update...

I established texting relationship with that girl. She seems to be really interested in me. She don't care that much about my physical appearance. even though I think I'm quite an attractive guy, as much as she tries to uncover my character and personality traits.

I declared that I will meet her after a month, let's say that I'm getting ready for that event physically and mentally. Today I went for a longest trip in car so far in my life. I gained so much confidence... I'm not longer afraid to visit big city which I don't know. I realized that I'm capable of driving, I know the rules and I will handle every situation on the road no matter the place. I also trained a lot of parking manouvers, it was stressful at times, I was anxious to crash or damage someone else's car. In the end I gained experience and knowledge. Again, I feel much more confident behind the wheel.

My social anxiety is also decreasing. Every day I'm trying to expand my comfort zone just a little. Sending a package? I'm on it. Buying a bread in local store? Great opportunity to have a little chat with salesman. These people need to talk to me, they getting money for that, it's a great place to start - I thought to myself. I started taking a walks through the city to certain places, helping my parents and siblings... I'm feeling better every day. I'm visualizing myself succeeding in that little things, gaining confidence and happiness. I'm really proud of myself.

I also finally applied for a job... and I'm going for an interview next week. I'm upgrading myself, setting up a goal and going for it no matter what. Courage to actually take a risk, going out there and acting - that's what making a difference. Everything changes. I'm asking God for certain things and they just popping out from nowhere. It's amazing. I'm so grateful for everything. My life seems to settle in a good way...

 

The thing is... I actually liked her. I don't care about sex that much, she just seems like a great girl. I enjoy talking with her and so on... And yes, I live in a countryside, she's studying in a larger city and staying there for a moment. It's not really far away, but still quite a travel for me. In my area there aren't really that much "free girls" now, not in my type though... I wanted to mix driving and interaction with women in one post, because these are my two largest goals now. I would like to feel fully comfortable behind the wheel, and also socializing, gaining experience with girls.

 

It's time to define myself. After practicing nearly every day for a two months period I developed some kind of comfort behind the wheel. I'm proud of that. I'm not the expert, still I don't feel nervous like I used to feel at the beginning. And what about pursuing girls? I realized that it's not right to chase girl just because she is just available and seems interested at the moment. My friends did that, and I simply don't want to get involved into something serious without fixing my current life situation first. Sometimes it's okay to wait a little more, develop some kind of inner sense and gain experience. I would like to be the best possible version of myself when I meet my future wife. Online dating is not for me, I'm still open to girls around in the real world though. You never know... And well, this time my goals slipped away a little, but not because I was lacking something, I've simply chosen that kind of outcome. It's worth the trouble as long as we're learning something along the way... I'm heading into the best years of my life and I want to live them in the most fulfilling way. It's time to step back and reevaluate my path once again. One time I heard that various flowers are blooming in different seasons. Some in the summer, some in the spring, some even during the winter... In the end they're all growing out beautifully. It's not a shame to feel immature. The time will come, I believe in that. I've reached the top a few times already and I will reach it a few more times in the future... I'm sure of it.

 

After spending some time online, trying out different dating apps I noticed something. It's a weird environment. Most girls out there just seek attention, they want followers, admirers and... sponsors. It's similar to porn in some way. Porn is all about sex. The thing is - it's depicting it in a false mirror. It's not a realistic representation, it's just a fantasy. Same goes with online dating. We're seeking a conglomerate of our fetishes, idealized vision of a perfect mate, something we can't really achieve. And all of that mostly based on a look. We're thirsty and they're using it to our disadvantage...

I used to think a lot about the girl I had contact with and I think that... She was a first person since a long, long time who suits me. I like her looks and the way she's talking with me. It's just something about her that makes me curious. I feel like I just wasted a great chance. A chance to grow.

I'm lonely. With every day I'm feeling it more and more. I'm craving a real connection, at the same time trying to escape from an artificial one... I'm craving it but... I don't know if I'm really mature enough to try this out. I'm anxious in public places, feeling like a toddler, making my first steps in "adult life". I'm learning how to live again, after wasting so much time. And I'm scared. I'm scared of failure, I'm scared of relapsing and getting humiliated. I'm scared that because of my lack of action I will end up wasting my life...

During the long nights like that one my emotions are running wild into different places. The past, the present and the future. Sometimes I'm exploring it. And it makes me wonder about myself. Can I ever be able to live a normal life, without anxiety? Will I ever feel love? Is it too late for me? Why I'm here, talking about my problems out loud? I don't know answers for these questions and it makes me wonder even more.

I don't feel hope anymore, the only thing that can save me is faith. I used to believe that I can achieve something. I was dreaming about succeeding at things, even the smaller ones. Now I lost most of my enthusiasm and... purpose. I was close to a relapse, my last, big efforts let me survive, but the doubts are still here.

I'm not a kid anymore, but still feeling like the one. My age suggests that I'm an adult, but I'm not that mature yet. I'm not a kid, but also I'm not an adult. I'm stuck in between...

I'm still grateful for living, for having opportunities to expand my consciousness further... But I don't know if I will be able to stand up again...