The Lord of the Rings Challenge

Day 280 no PMO. Thanks for all your words of encouragement and support. Yesterday was a much better day. A few urges but nothing I couldn’t handle. Today I will fast and let the hunger remind me of my desire to quit p for good. I hope we all have a great day.

 

Day 1 - Relapsed
(this is meant to be for yesterday, I forgot to post)

Ok so I don't want to explain too much about this since its personal but I have vvv good news today. So there's this girl that I don't know if I've talked about before but we met a while ago, we spent everyday together and long story short it didn't work out unfortunately because her Mum is super religious and was completely not ok with her daughter being in a relationship. I never got over here. Fast forward to now almost a year after, she messages me asking how I am, I tell her I was actually planning on messaging her on her birthday (4th of Dec). We catch up a bit, fast forward a bit she tells me she's missed me, I tell her I feel the same. We then start to slowly open up and eventually I just broke and told her I think in love with her, turns out, she feels the same way. Obviously I don't recommend doing what I did which was being hopelessly optimistic and hoping it would work out if I waited long enough, never getting over her, comparing other girls too her etc, I just got unbelievably lucky here. All this time, for an entire year of building up my feelings and emotions, she's felt the exact same way all this time. This is literally stuff that happens in romance movies this doesn't feel real but it is.

Honestly I can't remember what the relapse was from, it was way before the whole situation with her so it had nothing to do with that but honestly I don't care right now, I'm just going through ALOT of emotions right now.

 

578 days semen retention

 

Checking in. Some urges and withdrawal symptoms, but things are OK.

 

Day 0 - Nazgul

Welp, here I am. I neglected my daily self-care over the past several days, and my anxiety ramped up as a result. I wasn’t even that horny, I just wanted to numb my emotions. I worked 40 hours last week condensed into 3 days, and then, exhausted from all that, I played video games for three days solid. No yoga, no journaling, no meditating. Just straight numbing. Ate a shit ton of food too. Broke a 38 day streak, which stings. Holidays are a tricky time, they usually require me to break routine, which is one of the main factors that helps me stay clean. I was more angry at myself yesterday (I’ve MOed the past two nights). I’ve come to a peace with it now. This is a hard challenge. I should expect failure. When I do succeed (reaching 90 days, 500, etc), it will be all the sweeter because of the hardships. And, this reminds me how important it is to take care of myself. I think I still want to be a teenager with no responsibilities. But I’m an adult now; I have to be my own parent, because nobody else will. I just get tired, and the addiction convinces me that it can solve my problems better than taking care of myself. I feel like I need to recover from the holidays, I did not rest well at all. I’m surprised how excited I am to be back in the office today, to be back in the swing of things. I can forgive myself for this. I’m doing NoFap because I love me, and I want me to be free of this. Peace and love brothers. God bless.

 

Well, you should ask her out if you are willing to divert your energy there and not because you just want some... even so, don't ruminate a lot on your thoughts for you will be more and more drained by useless thinking. i wish you the best in whatever decision you take as long as it is you who takes it.

 

Good to see you doing good brother, I was wondering where you went of to, but had faith you where somewhere good and kicking ass!

 

Makes you doubt your faith? or the faith in the text? you can explore, you can question, you can even choose what things you do not want to accept, but work towards the good and the good will work towards you.

 

Stay strong during this period, I suggest setting some things to do as lack of the intensity you got used to might get you in the comfort zone and that's when the honeypot might appear. You can do this week exploring.

 

Thank you for reposting it, I lost it a while ago but now saved it in my computer to explore it if things have time to get rough!

 

New girl
Well, once again sex with another girl. This is the 3rd girl I have sex after I broke up with my ex 3 weeks ago. She was very sweet and lovely. It was one of the best sex I had in a while.

I think celibate life will have to be on hold, sex specially sex with a good girl helps to balance me and makes dealing with the break up more easy.

Grateful for the experience.

 

Day 116

Having a hard time...

Yesterday I went to a party and I'm a person who really struggles with interacting with much people. (I end up being exhausted and most times also frustrated because I'm a big fail at socialising)
I'm even more frustrated because In my mind I was supposed to have a great time on that party, since it was a party of love, and family atmosphere... The more I socialize, the more I think I have Asperger's, by the way.

Today I'm still a little depressed and even tho luckily I didn't have any urges my mind is constantly attacking me with negative thoughts... Mostly of hate to others and myself.

 

10 days!

 

Thank you... I've noticed that without even realizing it, I act in a way that's not really me. Probably as you say, it's me trying to look social... And I end up exhausted and frustrated not only because I'm bad at socialising and small talk, but cause I don't freaking care about neither or them! I'm sick of being held by stuff that's been imposed to me, like f*ing chains, to the point even my personality or way to act is distorted...

I don't know if I have Asperger's or not (and I'm curious to know why you think I don't). But I'm 100% sure that I'm different. And I really want to be finally okay with it and just be myself...

Thank you again, God bless you

 

Day 18

 

Do not define yourself by what you do or what you have for underneath all deeds and possessions there is a divine soul-consciousness capable of everything but bound and blinded by our own erroneous thoughts and beliefs . We are all creators and you have created the mess in your experience, you have the power to create peace and order too

 

Relapsed. Damn even after her telling me she loves me my trust issues still persist. I've been getting ALOT of relationship anxiety due to my trust issue trauma coming up again as always and it's ruining a perfectly beautiful relationship because I feel dependant on constant reassurance. Obviously, I can't say "just trust her, just don't get anxious" I think that will only get better with time, the thing I can improve right now though is actually distracting myself from the urges rather than just sitting there and convincing myself why I should relapse, which in this case, I've convinced myself because of my relationship anxiety. Yet again, relying on PMO to fix my feelings and problems, a classic.