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25 day status update

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by warrior2k20, Dec 18, 2020.

  1. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    I feel the need to stay here and get my thoughts out. So be it.

    The fog lifts. The porn induced fog lifts and you are left in motion, as you were before. But your spirit doesn't know how to handle it... You come out of the fog and you feel like you should go crazy with joy. But you also feel weighed down with confusion. All of your mental energy has been invested in porn for years and years. And now that you come out of it, it is all you know. My friend, you have become institutionalized.

    Not to say you can't change. You can find the energy to get up and push back the depression. You can get up and rediscover who you are. There is no shame in going to the park at 20. There is no shame in replaying games from your childhood. Because you have been afflicted with a nasty demon, and killing it requires leaving where you left off.

    So you begin to do some things that once brought you joy. You workout, rewatch your favorite t.v. series. You begin to refind who you are. You join a club. You are socially awkward. But you make friends anyways. You become less awkward. Pretty soon, you begin to feel confident being social again. Granted, you're not a conqueror yet. But you are becoming one.

    You begin to be more filled with energy. You begin to change your life in a positive way. That junk food you used to eat becomes less tempting. Now you know what it's like to live like a normal person. Not weighed down by the shackles of addiction, you can see how much less mental and physical energy normal tasks take. You see yourself start to improve. You start cooking better food, not feeling drained from working out, and not stressing out. You manage your time better, make time for friends. You work on the projects and crap that has been weighing you down. And that lifts you up further.

    But then, something doesn't go your way. You go out in public, get called a nerd by some random loser. It hurts. Not because you think that he is that much better than you, but because you realise you still have some loose ends to tie up on the inside. You may have regained your life that you sold away long ago, but it hurts when people don't accept it. But then you are left with a choice. Road 1 you know like the back of your hand. Go down the same self-destructive and self-loathing path that is so familiar to you. Stay running in circles. Or you can go down Road 2. Continue to improve yourself so the words don't hurt anymore. Keep what you love about yourself, but change the things you know you don't. Their words only cut deep because they opened a wound that never healed. But you can heal it.

    So you run to a site that helped you heal the greatest wound you have ever endured. The incredible shame-guilt complex that it has healed seems trivial now. Now you use it as an outlet to express these emotions so they don't stay pent up. Having something to look at, and words to craft your thoughts into functions as a prayer. A prayer to the lord who you had begun to lose faith in. But that faith becomes renewed. Because day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, you are improving the things that cause you pain. And the pain they cause you is less everyday. You confront the monsters that scared you so much before. And you bring them down.

    I am destroying my fear complex. Even trivial things such as fear of deadlines or upsetting someone. I am not living in fear of these any longer. I have conquered the things that brought me so much anxiety this week. And I solemnly swear I could not have done it without quitting porn. It was a symptom of a deeper psychological issue. And I am working through this next one. And I am enjoying a lot of success as we speak.

    Last night I left my car completely disassembled in the parking lot. I was so afraid that it would get stolen like it did back in the O. But it didn't. No one touched my car or my tools, all night and all day. I am just finishing the job later this afternoon, I'm five bolts away. Then that stress will be off of me as well. I'm beginning to feel the unstoppable holy spirit inside of me. Like no demon or construct of man can drag me down.

    Finally, I am beginning to kick porn to the curb- permanently. I will not lie, I had a flare up this past week with the problems that were weighing on me. But I used my resolve and self-confidence to conquer them. I didn't avoid them, I made this world what I want. I got my weekends back. I will be successful at work and in cross country because of the solution I found. I have not strayed from the plan, as I have made it flexible enough that it works with me. Yet for some reason, I remember two times last week where I watched porn. It wasn't particularly great but wasn't terrible. It didn't solve the problem, just distracted me for awhile. I didn't feel shame from it. It feels weird to say this on a site completely dedicated to not watching porn. But I feel as if I have fallen so deep into the disgusting porn in the past that the vanilla stuff doesn't disgust me at all. I know I should stop watching it. It is like a gateway drug. I have consistent sex with beautiful women in my life. I have a powerful enough imagination that I can masturbate to that it I ever need to. Thus I don't need porn. It's still in my life because it's easy. Convenient. Almost nostalgic. But alas, it must go.

    So I got distracted in that last paragraph. I am resolving to not watch porn again for a long while. I do take pride in the fact that it no longer feels hyperstimulating. It just feels like it is a t.v. show that I have no context for. It feels normal, there is nothing special about it. If I pray, I know my spirit will lead me to other places that don't require porn. I am changing and for the better. I also have completely stopped masturbating in the mornings and nights, with or without porn. It is almost like I only use it when procrastinating, which is the only time it ever feels appealing!! That is something to celebrate. But what is my gameplan? I am going to pray before doing homework. Oddly enough, this is when I am weakest. I am going to change how I do homework. I am going to leave breaks for the gym and the park so that I don't feel weak. Only work for 2 hours at a time before a break. I am going to incorporate the things I have longed to have in my life again. Myopia exercises, skating with friends, my trans am project, gymnastics at the park, and even fighting the dog. You have been doing a great job incorporating little changes into your life. But now that you have reconnected with God, I feel as if you can push further.

    This is all for now. I have a tendency to bite off more than I can chew. This is more than adequate. I will go finish my car now and come back and do some homework before leaving for the O. I can do this. I have the lord on my side. I can tackle my challenges with my head held high and loving every second of it. I just have to use my soul instead of my head. Things will get done. I believe.
     
    Candun and HolyTheotokos like this.
  2. Right on.
    Awesome to hear this. Have faith
     
    warrior2k20 likes this.
  3. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    It is November now. I have not been perfect. I have been slipping back into pornography, although not an intense addiction like before.

    I don’t want this to be an issue. But it is. I have become comfortable using porn as a stress reliever as my inferiority complexes are slowly disappearing but alas, I know it can’t stay. Even if I have the will to avoid it 5 out of 7 days a week, it is still destructive. Even if I lead a life outside if porn, that’s a life that can be destroyed.

    i am going to come up with a plan. Because deep down, I want to be free from it. I will lock up my phone’s internet once again, as well as qustodio on my laptop. That way, it will no longer be accessible. Since the desire and craving for it is so mellow, I don’t imagine it will be an issue. It is just laziness in the way, lol.

    Still amazed at all that can be accomplished when not weighed down by addiction. Self-hatred. Envy and shame. And fear. As the shackles are released I realize I am a person, worthy of love, admiration, and personal conquests.

    this is the point where I could surrender and be happy with my progress. Now that the hard part is over live an easylife, with a non-fucked up sexuality, and a good relationship with porn. But all i see is that that good relationship is a bridge to saying a permanent goodbye. It takes grit and drive to pass this point. Want to better yourself, not to save yourself. I have that grit, and I will be better.

    i have slowly brought my life together. It was drifting apart but I have had an adaptive reaction to the stress. 4.0 GPA, working everyday, and taking care of the apartment (my girl is helping out too). Slowly I have a personal list that is getting done and I am so freaking close to having no hw its insane. Stayed running for XC, and once I’ve cleared my plate off more, am planning on taking it more seriously than easy runs and some workouts. Talking double runs!! Car is going swimmingly, forced my brain to conprehens the transmission, admitted defeat on the old case and am now modifying a new one to fit in the old school firebird. Learning a lot from that car, like when you are too obsessed with something , you can’t tell that it’s broken. Family life is improving and personal life is too. I am doing good.

    what I can do going forward besides blocking out porn sources is continue chipping away at my list, but work on multiple things at once. It is still going to take a couple months for that car to be done at this rate of one work session a week, and you have other things you need to get in line. No matter. It is all going according to plan, so now I’m just rambling.
     
    Candun and HolyTheotokos like this.
  4. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    I have successfully reversed the momentum. I have made my first stand back on the up trend. I convinced myself things were so easy that I didn't have to try, but in actuality I had just broken the fear of not trying to quit porn. This is good. I did also say I wanted to be ruled by my true desires and not fear, guilt, or shame, and thus, I did. However, I am seeing one of the very few benefits of fear!

    Today was so fucking hard. I installed blockers on my phone and laptop which just made me google suggestive shit. But I fought it off. And I am going to pay closer attention to what I 'program' myself with (watch). I want to be myself and not what someone else thinks I should be. For that I reason, I am thinking of deleting youtube off my phone and when I do want to watch something, I'll just load it up on my laptop. I feel as if I am using it as an excuse for idelity in my daily life.

    I got a complement from an older guy I work with today. He said that my academic pursuits were impressive. It made me feel good about myself. I give myself a lot of shit. I always recognize the things I achieve as 'in vain' or 'not good enough' or 'working towards the wrong things.' I rarely give myself validation. It felt good to receive validation from someone I respect, from someone who isn't a bumbling idiot.

    I just realized something. The validation I receive from some others is watered down because I feel as if I don't respect them and their words mean nothing. I need to learn to forgive others for their mistakes so that their words mean something. Maybe that's why I have a hard time making friends. I don't respect hardly anyone, and usually, that's a prerequisite for friendship. Although goonin' is cool when you are secure in having one another's mutual respect.

    In other matters, the headache I felt today was porn-induced, or rather, a lack thereof. It was intense. But I fought it off. I feel depressed right now, and I have given myself a lot of shit for using that word. Mostly because I have felt like it was overused. But it seriously feels like my life has slowly spiraled out of control. I scrambled enough to get some sort of control going on it. I discovered what it is. I feel as if I have gained control of my life- e.g. work, school, scheduling things, slowly checking things off my list, paying rent, taking care of the dog, but lost myself. I feel as if I have no control of myself anymore. I feel as if I am someone that I am not. It's not the porn. It's not the lack of porn. It's not school. It's not my girlfriend. It's not my past abuse. It's not my dead mother. It's not my lack of free time. It's not a lack of resources. It's not that I bit off more than I can chew. It's me.

    But I have to actually do something about this. Otherwise this was a pointless exercise. I have to force myself to take paths of most resistance. I just remember it feeling so easy in the past, where now, it feels so hard. Maybe it was the rhythm I was in that made it easy. Regardless, I have to break back in to the things that made me feel good about myself. Meal prepping, lifting, running, going to the park. Even working on my car and going on dates. I don't know the reason or rhyme for this feeling of sadness and learned helplessness, but it ends now.
     
    Candun and Abel100% like this.
  5. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    The momentum continues to be in my favor. I just went a week with blockers on my phone and one of my browsers, and did not look at porn once. Only masturbated once, the rest was real sex. However, the moment I realized that there was another browser on my laptop *facepalms* I did relapse. I need to figure out where to get blockers for such a thing. Also, I have had much less 'mental slavery' to the humiliation that used to ail me, which is welcomed.

    When I do relapse, I look for reflections of my life now. I do not look unto others' life with envy or dismay. I am proud of this regardless of whether I am still entrenched in a battle against porn. I have been working on getting out of my shell, and even went to a party yesterday. Yet I am not who I want to be yet, but this has given me confidence in my existence and my masculinity.

    I felt like a recluse for a long time in large part due to porn. First it was a reflection of life, then it became my life. Little by little I have taken my life back and found other things that make me happy or are just as enthralling for my brain. I have learned that it can feel good to be alive! And I will never forget it.

    I still have a massive workload. It still seems like my list will never get done. I still feel overloaded. Yet that only pushed me towards porn once. ONCE! I hope that this continues and momentum is not lost. This is the smartest and most humble I have been in years. I have regained about 70% of the discipline I once had. I pray I can put it all together, and use it.
     
  6. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    I have been slipping back recently. I worked all of break, which was good for my wallet. Thinking about getting a new job due to health concerns. Got very sick three days ago, which made not masturbating or looking at porn easy. I realized how bad of a habit it had become. I don't want it in my life, but I have become so smart with computers that I can undo any progress I make.

    I have this problem. Every time I fight with my girlfriend I tend to run to porn. And we fight a lot. A LOT. I think it is because I feel so pacified for not yelling at her and making things go exactly my way that I feel like I am being controlled. Maybe this feeling isn't so wrong and doesn't need to be supressed. Maybe I should stop supressing it. Maybe if I made things for sure instead of maybes I would actually do them. But this can be another moment of change. She wrought this upon herself. I am doing things that are best for me, my health, and my wallet now. Fuck her. She can come second. I am done putting her first if this is the lack of respect I get in return.

    This will take resolve. But I need that in both school and facing porn addiction anyways. It has gotten to the point where I don't really desire real sex anymore. That is bad. Very bad. And I don't give enough of a shit about my girl right now to try things with her. I just want porn out of my life for good. I hope that doesn't mean dropping out of college. Because I want this complex to be GONE. FOR GOOD. WHY IS THREE MONTHS SO FUCKING DIFFICULT. I have erased it from my conscious happy brain. NOW IT NEEDS TO LEAVE my subconscious.
     
  7. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Well, all I can say is that my last post went through to fruition. Good job on eradicating maybes, you turned into a dictator!!!
    My girlfriend broke up with me because I stopped listening to her. You would think that I had been doing terrible with porn, in fact, that is a reason she cited for the breakup. But no, I have been doing great. Three weeks clean, only vanilla for 2 months, freeing myself from guilt and shame. I just got really focused on school and work and didn't really give her the time of day. We had become really unhappy together, it just sucks man, I knew her for so long and so intimately. We had so many good times but it had slowly just become bad times and avoidance as our relationship got less and less healthy. It became addictive, mutually controlling, abusive, and shameful. We fought a lot over money, and when I forgave her debts and her dad got her a car, she split. Yeah, I wasn't happy either. But it came as a shock, and I cried like a little bitch about it for a week. But alas, no porn relapse yet, and none to come. I don't want to obsess over that, it is just a positive I think of whenever I am sad about the breakup. I care deeply for her, but if we don't work, I can't force anything. Surprisingly, I thought letting go of my fears of my girl getting stolen and not caring about her purity would make me feel like a bitch and trigger the tremors. But it has actually been beneficial for my health and I haven't thought about it once. Maybe it was a sign that I had been in an unhealthily addictive relationship. All I know is I am out now. I have told my story a million times and this is another one of them to achieve closure. I have felt healthy since I allowed self care into my life. Maybe, if I can get to the point that I am truly happy now that my chains are broken (addiction to my girl and addiction to porn) I can truly start living and be the man I want to be. I quit my shitty job too, and I have a new one with a really cool boss starting Saturday. Hell yeah man. Just do your homework and roll with the punches. Life is looking up. For all you know, she could be the one who reads this. For all you know, you could get her back after a month of feeling good. And for all you know, you could meet some cute ass chick who looks even better than she did- and treats you with respect.

    For anyone who follows my life: I stood on a bridge and contemplated suicide last Saturday. I refused to acknowledge any of my mental blocks at the time, and was desperately trying to get her back. What I really needed to do was focus on getting ME back, which has worked. I am free from porn. Now my brain is like shit, we have focused on breaking this for so long- NOW WHAT?!?!?!? I never thought this day would come.... almost a month and no temptation. I guess we stay lifting and start running. Finish this semester and keep doing mental health things. Destroy the obsessions that rob you of life. Focus on making friends. Yeah, we are on the path to a TOTAL RECOVERY. Now stop procrastinating :).
     
  8. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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  9. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    It pains me to think about my girlfriend moving on to other people. I have identified this as being a trigger in the past, for anger and such, when I just need reassurance. I know that I will find someone else if she does. Would I get back together with her if she did? Probably not. I hate the feelings of uncertainty and betrayal. This is what led to the demise of the relationship. I am slowly but surely feeling better in not being certain. Who cares? She isn't the one who needs to give me certainty. She never was. It is me, and me alone. I am the only one who can be certain I am making the right choice. And space is the right choice. Acting like a needy little bitch, keeping your life so close when you are broken up, that isn't the right choice. Hopefully you stay this strong all week. You just gotta keep rolling with the punches man! You will either get back together in a healthy relationship or move on. Likely the 2nd option, so delete that Instagram! She likely hasn't deleted the pictures because she wants you in her life, but she wants the you that isn't full of anger and rage. The you that does what you want. And that you is so close. You are over porn addiction. Now it is emotional addiction that is being broken. It will take at most 11 weeks, and at least another one. You can do this E, you'll be alright! Betrayed? Only needs to be addressed if you're getting back together. Only applies if she sent pictures or did stuff with someone else, but you should be basically moved on if you even consider getting back with her anyways. No matter what happens, I WILL BE OKAY!!!! I am not in danger, I am not being disrespected, I am not losing my 'only' chance to have a relationship lol. I will find other girls I just have to let myself. So yeah, keep working on yourself, you're doing a great job. Her and other girls, worry about them later. And don't worry when you do, let them come and if y'all vibe, keep it up. If not, give yourself the respect of ending it instead of stringing them along.
     
  10. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Alright. Figured it out. I opened up to much to her, and let her see my insecurities and demons. She lost respect and admiration for me. She saw me needy, she saw me weak. I need to turn myself into someone respectable around her, if I am ever to sleep with her again.
    https://www.themodernman.com/blog/ex-girlfriend-insults-me-when-we-talk.html
    No more listening too much to women. You didn't listen to her when you got her, nor your mom or grandma. You listened to the internet, to dan, to jp, to dad. You just gotta chill, be respectable. Laugh off the insults, belittle how you were acting, be charming and inviting. Don't take it too seriously, she is obviously just being emotional to hide the pain. Don't seek pity, I am self-assured that I'll find someone with or without her. Secretly she is hoping that I can work on myself enough that we can be together. She didn't want to end things, but they got so bad, my anger issues so scary, and my inability to deal with her anxiety, that she didn't feel safe. Like I was stable enough to protect her, there wasn't reason enough to stay with me. At the end, all I did was se guilt to keep her. Come on....
    It was necessary to kick porn in the balls. That word doesn't even have meaning anymore. Porn, porn, porn. Hope that isn't a trigger for y'all. But here goes. Never stop improving. Never stop believing in yourself E. You don't need her to. She is just there for support and sex. Obviously. You tried leaning on her too much and that didn't work. Lean on someone else, someone you don't have to attract enough to sleep with. J, or N, or D, but not her. Don't seek pity. Don't make her insults and distance a big deal. Don't be stone cold. Don't insult back. Don't jump into it (oops, got some recovering to do). Seek support from other people. Be respectable, feel good about yourself, not bad. Deflect insults in a friendly manner, kindly belittle them and say the distance has been great for me. It's true too. I have found the manly sources that felt strangled in that estrogenous hellhole. Be open, friendly, inviting. But stand up for yourself when a line is crossed. And take things slow, enjoy attracting her back. Play with her emotions, drive her crazy like how she drove you crazy this past week. Don't beg for her back, just keep seeing her and telling her how great you're doing.

    DOn't beg, let it come naturally. Don't let her in too easy, reschedule once or twice to see her. Be emotionally strong, emotionally in control, self-assured. That is what we are. We don't let life get us down! Even when we are down we are self-assured. And we can lean on people other than the women we are attracted to. It is not fair, but it is just life. Maybe one day you will have the trust to do it again.

    Don't talk about what you need to do to change. Talk about what you've been doing. No future thoughts, just think of right now. Be secure, self-assured, independent. But still enjoy her company and beauty. Don't be girly, still express your masculinity and go for your masculine desires! Ride your bike, ride your bicycle, go on runs, lift, go for academics, get tats, don't look at instagram all day lol. Only go shopping every once in awhile. Don't gossip and make pillow talk. Just relax and be yourself. It might be hard because you used to compensate for your relapses with hypermasculine reassurance, which she liked, but no longer. You had to acknowledge the existence of your emotions and feminine side to kick the porn, so now your masculine side needs some help!! Your feminine side can be covered by your friends and family. Not your love interests. Don't be a pushover. Stand up for yourself in a friendly, self-assured way. You know the demeanor. The half smile unflinching E. Tell her your dreams, your desires in life. Don't let things get in the way again. Let her into your life, but don't make supporting her your life. You hated it and she did too! Stupid idea! Oh well, no longer! New life!

    Give her fucking space. I'll say it again E. GIVE HER FUCKING SPACE!!!
    Don't text her tomorrow.
    Don't text her this weekend.
    Use that time to build up your confidence, post your friends on your story, buy a bike, get a tatt appointment, plan a trip, fix your car, get your homework done. And of course, actually have fun! I'm not a liar, I want to do things that are actually fun for me too. But I need to get the fuck out of the house! I'll chill with dad for a minute, but I want to try doing some flips with Nathan too!

    Apologize but don't demand pity or forgiveness. Request it, but not like a little bitch! It's more about making her smile, making her laugh, reigniting the spark that I MADE, that I KNOW HOW TO MAKE!!!

    Remember, she thinks that you are angry with her. She has only seen the neediness and the anger, the betrayal. She hasn't seen the pussy ass letter, your cries for pity, cries for help. You just need to show her that you've accepted your role as a man. In fact, that is a tough pill to swallow. It is so much easier to be emotional and immature!!! Making plans, having self-respect, self-love. I am sure it is all worth it, but damn! This is one hell of an endeavor? And while going to school? Same old Eli Johnson, always comes back swinging!!!

    So let her know, that is not you. If she is being overtly mean, you don't need to stay. You don't need to move your plans out of the way to make your schedule suit her. You have the keys, you have her stuff. In fact, you don't even need to get back together with her. But showing her your happy side, your truly happy side, is the only path to forgiveness.

    So go on walks. Short ones. Practice being confident and self-assured alone. Let go of the anger. Let go of the pity. I don't need it. Especially the anger. The pity and remorse was an extreme alternate response to what I had before.

    So. Here it is. A crossroads. And I choose the path of a respectable man. Not just today. Tomorrow, the next day, the day after. I am committed to making my life happy, me feel loved and supported. If this is a scary step I have to take in order to have a happy, fulfilling life. I will feel supported even without spilling my guts to her all the time. It's not like I let her know before when I was nervous. I am not nervous to reclaim my old personality. It just feels like a big step. But I am ready to make it. You let it go when your mom passed. No reason to not get it back. If she is worth getting back, so is my confident demeanor. And what's the worst that could happen? She doesn't believe me the first time? The second time? The third time? I fail and she tells her small circle? With every failure I will learn something and come back stronger. No more complacency. I can improve myself day-by-day.

    Don't make her second in my life when we actually do get together.
    Don't be selfish with chores.
    Stand up for yourself and your wants and needs, in a friendly way.
    But don't be needy.
    Put you first, and her second.
    Take care of yourself, like a grown man.
    Be confident and self-assured.
    That last one is the only one we need.
    Don't grow angry, it looks bad. Deflect any comments or belittlement with friendly laughter and saying I want to have fun.
    Actually have fun. Be the E you wanted to be with her.
    Give her space. She needs to think about, to crave to meet the new you.
    Make sure when she does come back (she will) that you give her priority!
    No stressful conversations with her.
    No retaliations. Don't be petty, I'm beyond that!

    She could have spent 4/20 with someone else. That is fine. If so, I guess all this self-love and self-betterment will have been for someone else! She didn't show me where she was at, but that's aight. I am slowly building up an army of friends, an army of plans. An army of things to do, and army of people to do it with. An army with me at the helm, leading. It's scary and nerveracking to think about. All this power, all this respect? Do I deserve it? Of course! And that's not narcissistic, but I am using a metaphor to make my feelings justified.

    But also...
    Make sure my plans, my wants, my friendships, they are a priority.
    I need to code. But I will practice meditating and giving myself affirmations. University tried to destroy my tough confident demeanor. This was a test from god. I am self-assured, I am confident, I am worthy of self-respect and respect of others. I am worthy of her love and admiration. I respond to every situation confidently, coolly, I don't get out of line anymore. No more anger issues. I learned my lesson. Blame something else, but not her. And just fix it. This only feels so hard because it's a new neural pathway. And that is the assurance I need to end this post. Now, all we have to do is meet up, and you will show her how you continue to change for the better.
     
  11. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Another thing. I forgive myself for that. I was undergoing the most rigorous coursework of my life while sewing together the pieces of who I want to be! Of course being a confident man and good boyfriend wasn't the first on my priority list. I could not handle a relationship right then and there. And that takes wisdom and maturity to admit. But at least it is figured out. This is a lot to take in emotionally. But I am strong! I ended up getting the summer and fall schedules planned with a general idea of where I am going from here.

    I don't need to double major if I don't feel like it. I just need to take a realistic courseload for who I want to be. And who do I want to be? I want to be smart but not the 'smartest'. I want to balance work and life, a lesson I have learned the hard way. NO MORE UNDERTAKING IMPOSSIBLE GOALS. I like going to the gym, watching tv, snuggling, relaxing. I like feeling loved and respected more than having knowledge under my belt. Granted knowledge was needed to attain that, but still, be strategic to get what you want from life. Pace yourself. And like everyone has been saying, slow down E, slow down. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither will your confident persona. It will take a few more days before you're ready to show it off to her and others. and that is alright! She said thank you, she respects you enough for a response. She probably isn't even back yet. You're showing her you're not needy by not hitting her up and by planning to live your life on Sat and Sun. But what to do Friday? C is busy. Hit up osh, hit up pat. Just hit up Ali. see what the homies are up to, there is a lot of life you can get out of your life. It's scary. But be scared and do it anyways. You will thank yourself. Get out of your shell : ).
     
  12. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Okay, I got things going this weekend. No need to panic, I know I have a life. But man, I just feel so... betrayed. Definitely haven't forgiven her, that's why I don't want to plunge into an equal relationship with her. More just dates and sex. That's all I want from her anymore. I don't trust her enough to have a deep connection anymore.

    I am doing fine today. Although I don't feel like doing school, all I feel like doing is lifting. Sometimes I wonder if my life is regimented enough, sometimes I wonder if it is too free. Man, my mother always made me feel better in times like these. I like having girl-friends, and I liked having a girlfriend. Part of me wants a whole lot, and that's not necessarily wrong. I hated feeling trapped though. Maybe that was just the unhealthy relationship part, cause those girls you chilled with in class were pretty cool. You have confidence in yourself. You are working on your charisma everyday, but sometimes you are mean. Just relax, it doesn't come in a day.
    But know, you are worth love and the lord has a lot planned for you.

    I hate paying for girls if they aren't going to commit. If I get with her again, I'm refusing to pay for anything that's not food. Obviously, she will need a lot more commitment if she ever wants anymore. Damn do I feel used. Maybe I should eat in the cafeteria. That's where so many relationships look like they form. Noted for next semester!!

    Right now, I feel so rejected. So unwanted. It's not true, I just need to keep up the self-assurance. Some things aren't meant to work out. So what if you were dealt a shit hand. It's what you do with it that makes you who you are. Yeah, it'd be nice to get with another girl. I don't want to come off as a needy little bitch. So I am just gonna leave her be for the weekend. Not bug her about her stuff, nothing.

    If I see her, I'll say: "Yeah, it'd be cool to see you again. I'm not the same guy I used to be, I started living for me. I started truly looking into life and seeing what I want, and what I wanted was freedom and confidence. Confidence that I was right, confidence that I could be happy. And I have that now. You can come along, but things can't be how they were. My life has to be for me, not selling out to you, or to school, or to anyone else!"

    And that is true. I'm here because I've acknowledged that there are many girls in the world. I've acknowledged that I need to work on being more social. I've acknowledged that I need to get out more and meet new people. Screw the hierarchy. There is none. I am able to talk to anyone, form relationships with anyone, and not feel bad for doing so. Undo the chains E. Fear is the only things standing in the way. You deconstructed the porn complex. This one won't be so hard. I am more like the man I want to be everyday.

    I haven't cried today. I lifted today. I still expressed my thoughts, twice. I have done the self-care that I have so desperately needed for so long. I do like bubbly girls. I don't like stuck up girls. I do like blonde girls. I don't like bleach blonde girls. I do like genuine girls. I don't like fake girls. And you don't have to be so needy and desperate that you can't draw the line. Just keep searching for people you like, and you'll be who you want to be. Most importantly, start sitting with people at lunch. You'll start making a hell of a lot more friends outside classes too. Maybe you were punishing yourself all this time!

    Now I feel like I can talk to anyone, do anything. I want to be an alpha, even if the road there is difficult. I am not dejected from it, yesterday I was tired. That's because I am changing! And it takes a whole lot of effort! New job starts tomorrow. I think I will hold this one pretty well. Weekend with friends starts 2nite. No shame, no fear, no holding back. If she isn't in your life, why be in hers?

    I have this fear that I refuse to acknowledge. The fear that I will be alone, the fear that I am not good enough for anyone, the fear that anyone I'm with will always prefer someone else. And she helped me not feel that. That is why I loved her so much. But she just proved it right when she left, and I have had a hard time recovering from that specifically. I still am acknowledging that she is probably with other dudes now, and it's hard man. I just need to keep moving on. I am good enough right now to have a lot of conversations with a whole lot of people. Maybe I just need to stop rejecting people before I really have a chance to get to know them.

    It pains me to think that anyone thinks of me as pathetic. Or a loser. I just didn't think about it before and I was happy. But now that I don't have a girlfriend it's harder. It's a tough barrier to break through.

    I know she's not perfect, but I still have feelings for her. I just want to make her hurt the same way I did. And that's what I did before. Maybe if you stop being so angry and move on. In fact I think you do. Again, it won't happen in a day. Might not be fully done in a week. But by the end of the month, we'll be okay. There is nothing moreliberating than thinking of being over it. Shit maybe I just need a hat. Some sort of style.

    I am very insecure aren't I. I admit the reality I live in to move forward. Being a science major is hard, it takes a lot of time I just feel so fucking trapped. If I go home, I'll close off from the world. If I stay here, I'll continue being quiet and have trouble making friends. Or, I can take the uncertain path, and try going out and meeting people. But that is so fucking scary man! So scary. And what if I'm disliked? so what? If I'm disliked why would I want them there. But I'll never know if I don't try.

    You only turned to money and wanting success because you were insecure. YOu have wanted that inner security for so long, and you were beginning to find it when you were in the military. I've acknowledged that I can't be everyone. I need to be okay with me, and being me. I need to be confident enough to live my life.
    I can have conversations with people for awhile, but sometimes I just need to detox. I haven't stalked her yet today. Good work! I am worthy enough of hanging out with, so I need not feel like my walls are crashing in. I am funny, I made EVERYONE laugh today. I am worthy of respect, so many people respect me! People making me feel not good enough is WRONG!

    I have been made not feel good enough since I turned 8. My family rejected me when I started growing up, and my father when I wasn't a little kid. I had to be perfect, because all of a sudden there was so much wrong with me. But he is wrong. I can do what I want, when I want, and it not be wrong. Because deep down, I want to be happy. I want to do things right and pass my classes and get good grades. But I also want to meet people and go out and do things and not have to worry so much. Because I have been worrying for 2 years straight. and It isn't okay.

    Man, it feels good getting this out. It's okay if you spend the rest of the afternoon getting this out. You're behind but it's whatever. That's what happens when you get a life!!!
    I have serious self-love and self-worth issues that were pushed down and masked for years. And I started actually solving them. I do earn everything I have. I earned the inheritance by dealing with the demons of my father and fear of my mother for years. I feel no guilt for it, or for using it anymore. I can't be everythings at once, so I want to be tough and I want to be healthy. I want to lose my fears and gain confidence. ANd I can and will. Change is possible, change is necessary, and change is inevitable. Just like quitting porn. You got rid of the crutch and now you are feeling the crushing weight of what was there all along. ANd I have great friends, they really do help.
     
  13. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Okay so what the fuck, I treated her like a fucking douche and got a date and now all of a sudden she wants to talk about how we had something real. What the fuck? Did she just want me to stand up for what I wanted in life and not go through all of the rounds of bullshit??? Like why the fuck would any of this be worth it to her?? Was I that neglectful?? Is she playing her girly mind-games??? All I did was fucking love her!!!! Now porn is out of my life like god-damn woman make up your fucking mind!!!!!! I changed!!!! Just leave or come back to me, don't toy with me!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a date this evening and you playing around is not helping me prepare!!!
     
  14. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Wow. Life has changed so much, but remained the same. 3 months ago I was obsessing over my ex girlfriend. My first breakup with a serious girlfriend. Full of hatred, hope, confusion, and resolve to change. Glad that it is simply a memory now.

    I spent some time, about 2 months, completely free of porn, and mostly free of masturbation. It was great, I used it to do a junkyard rebuild and get better at HVAC things. I found a new girlfriend, and she’s in Mexico now. I have COVID, but I am recovering. I have fallen into porn in the past month, particularly this past week.

    i moved apartments. The memories were present all the time, and many of them were negative. Fights. Accusations. Crying. Yelling. Don’t want to ever relive any of them.
    Moving was tough. So was the car. So was accepting that that phase is over. So was not checking up on her. So was not stalking her all the time. So is this light fixture. But I got through all the other things, so I will get through this.
    Life has changed so much. Right now I feel aloof. Robbed of discipline, desire, will. I have been existing recently, just halfway working, masturbating, playing video games. I feel empty.

    I do have a 95/5 complex. I have done 95% of the work in getting over the breakup. I moved, got my new car, fixed this place up, and am settling in. But I won’t finish the fixture, start working out, or put the last piece on my car. Sabotaged my vacation. Why?

    logically it’s easy to see. I am afraid of change and live in the past. I am capable of all of the above but don’t want it. It would require not having an excuse of what I’m getting over and through when I get up in the morning. And I’d have to get back on my purpose.
    Why does that feel like a punishment? I’ve become comfortable in misery, because she made me live miserably for so long.

    this is more for me than anyone else, but if you’re here I love and appreciate your presence.

    when I have relapsed, it has been in vanilla categories. The hypnosis or whatever I watched years ago has finally worn off, and there are very few tremors left. I did however have one this week, which is a wakeup call to me. The more complacent I am in life the more I put myself at risk of falling back in.

    you sacrificed the relationship with Mia for mental freedom from porn induced gender dysphoria, and your self loathing racism. I’m not even afraid to talk about it anymore. This is a safe space.

    but make something of it. Those 2 years, they were there for you too. You worked your way out of it and needed to see the things she was teaching. But, they weren’t the truth, they were just a roadstop on the path to the truth.

    where I was 3 years ago:
    just kicked out of the military
    Didn’t know anything about cars, the trades, money
    Wasn’t on my own
    Worked out daily
    Didn’t have any pets
    Hated my father
    Disrespectful to my family
    Used people
    Self loathing racist, blamed other for my own insecurities instead of working on them
    Gender dysphoric
    now:
    Taking care of myself on my own
    Know useful mechanical and construction skilsl
    Enrolled in university
    Experienced my mothers death
    Experienced a serious breakup
    Has a good job
    Works out.. 3 days a week still
    Eats decentky healthy
    No more gender dysphoria
    Very little racism due to insecurity, mostly due to a lack of exposure
    Decent relationship with father
    Sticks up for myself without getting angry
    Looks at life logically
    Have cars of my own
     
  15. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    This isn’t over. I have many mire thoughts. Im hungry. I feel weird. Like i dont want to continue down this path of self destruction. I want to do the things I like doing instead of accepting I can’t. I have nearly made it. I can ‘make it’ in two days if I try. Make it. Go get some dinner.
     
  16. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Writing is the answer. It is the only way I can focus and control my thoughts. It is the only way I can stick with it. I will write tonight, and tomorrow morning what I want to do. From there it will just be me getting the resolve to do it. It works. Trust me.
     
  17. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Times have been hard. There’s no duvh thing as good porn. Never give into temptation. It leads you back to where you don’t want to be.
    I don’t want to live in fantasies. I want to make them a reality. No more bullshit. Last night I had a revelation that I had hit my bottom with this. No more years sacrificed to this addiction, even if it doesn’t seem as scary anymore. I want to live, I want to do.
    Video games are a problem as well. I want to learn things that are real. I am going to stop playing them too.
    I want to stop taking off more than I can handle and bringing it into my house. Stop tearing it apart, you’ve learned enough. Create somewhere safe, stable, and devoid of temptation. Defeat your triggers. Talk and flirt with women. I don’t give a fuck about any cheap pleasures porn and games give me anymore. It’s all so fake and empty. It has fucked up my brain and I know it. I pledge that by Thanksgiving, yes thanksgiving, I will be completely porn free, restart a stable workout routine, still be going to school, and keep my job. I also want to get into fighting before then. NO MORE EXCUSES!!!! NEVER AGAIN!!!!
     
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  18. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Good results. Tapered off porn usage from multiple times a day, to once, to every other day, which has led me here. 3 days in but it feels like so much more. School started, I have been working out consistently, even eating right. Things have been going well.

    But I feel so tempted but just have this resolve not to do it right now. I keep telling myself I would rather have real sex. I have talked to like 10 women today, just in a friendly way, because I am working on flirting and such. I have seen it work for others, so why not me. I'm attractive, and I want it. I'm going to get it.

    Doing homework has been a trigger. I feel like a nerd, or less than a real man for it. That's the opposite of the truth. I'm increasing my intelligence and quality of life, this is an investment. It takes fortitude to complete. I already worked out once today, I am not less than. I have so many successes to celebrate!

    I stopped gaming so heavily. Thank god. Who needs another cherry on the shitstack. Also, I stopped thinking about my ex so heavily. I dismiss the thoughts quickly when they come on, and haven't stalked her in about a week. I no longer feel emotionally invested in her actions, and I rarely think about what she's doing. The real trouble is not thinking about the memories at all. The good ones, the bad ones, it's hard. Not because I want her back in my life, no, because those were MY experiences too and I have them brought up in my mind to process constantly. However, I consider this not thinking about her, but thinking about myself and my growth.

    I will not procrastinate any longer, I will complete this assignment. I will also do the other assignments I've been scrambling to do, as well as open the vacuum and get the printer power cord from the store. I am on the path to success. I feel as if I know everything I need to know, and now everything is coming together for the life I've always wanted. I will never give up on this. Never. NO MORE EXCUSES!!! NEVER AGAIN!!!
     
  19. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    Later, the same day. I survived. I made it past the 3 day peak. I got smiles from some girls, now I’m planning to talk to one as I leave. Should be no biggy, yes or no.

    give yourself some hype man. Now you’re getting homework done AND hitting on girls at the gym. You’re getting it down. And the best part is, now you have momentum. 3 days to make a habit, 3 days to break a habit. Let’s keep making good ones. Because I’m happy. Without drugs. It feels so nice. I want this to last forever.
     
  20. warrior2k20

    warrior2k20 Fapstronaut

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    And now I realized something.
    I felt this immense guilt for wanting to talk to girls and be free to pursue them sexually.
    I didn’t have that before I met my ex. for 2 years I was shamed and exposed to her fears, which demeaned me and made me feel terrible for just being a confident man.

    No more. She doesn’t make the rules. I don’t give a fuck what she thinks, and it’s oddly comforting that I mean it this time. If she slanders me, good. It’s not like she wasn’t already doing it.

    this is my one time and age to be young, be free, and chase some tail without anyone telling me I’m wasting my life. The time where my career is cool, but not all that defines me. I’m going to go for it. I love women. I’d like to have sexual experiences with them instead of being an emotional tampon. Don’t get me wrong, i don’t want to fuck girls and kick them to the curb, but I have the self respect now not to put up with mistreatment of me as a listener.

    at times I want to start a relationship but I want to have some experiences first. Test drive the car before buying it. Because I bought a car which ejected me while driving last time. Don’t make the same mistake twice.

    Soo my goal is to build myself up primarily, and my partners secondarily. Tertiarially comes school, then 4th work. This includes the franchise idea I had. We will see how it goes.

    to anyone out here who is doubtful, it’s days like today which remind me that nofap works.
     

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