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Married Hard Mode - 60+ days goal

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Leftwhirled, Nov 18, 2021.

  1. We are with you ! You will definitely succeed in your goals one day .
     
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  2. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    Oof. Rough couple nights of sleep the last 2 days - our son is sick again and so he was up multiple, multiple times needing comfort. The night before last, I felt a bit triggered when I went downstairs to take a shower which was a common masturbation spot for me in the past. I think this had been building over the day as a result of hearing a triggering name that has associations with pornography, as well as the ongoing disconnection from my wife which leads to emotional pain. Fortunately, I realized that I was triggered when I went down there. I put on a recovery podcast episode and made it through showering and getting dressed with no issues. I really wanted to sleep on the bed downstairs because I knew our son was in for a bad night of sleep and it was so tempting to be able to sleep alone on a soft mattress with all the blankets to myself. But I decided to sleep upstairs with my wife and son instead. I just want to be close to her right now, whatever that means.

    Yesterday was OK - my daughter threw up a couple times in the morning so we were in care mode for her for a lot of the day. She seemed fine by the evening and we tried to get her into bed early. I made a stronger effort to be more present yesterday. I was with the family the whole time, played on the floor with the kids, helped my wife pick out matching pajamas for Christmas, looked at pictures of our daughter when she was younger, decorated the house, and drank tea together. Being present is not the easiest thing for me to do. I used to think that I lived in the present most of the time but I realized that my shame tied me endlessly to the past and my need to hide and lie had me contemplating the future. Being present takes practice. I found one good 20-minute meditation for being present that I've done a couple times now including this morning. It's been beneficial to carve out some time in the morning to connect with myself.

    In the past I've visualized my addict as a a jailer, holding my true self hostage. Almost like the movie Get Out if you've seen that. My true self is at the bottom of a well of darkness, unable to escape while my addict is the person piloting my body and hurting me through his actions. Since my true self was separated from the outside world in this way, it has led to deep loneliness and feelings of despair in the past.

    Anger visualization:
    When I'm having anger, I sometimes visualize the anger itself as a rapidly-rotating metal sphere covered in sharp, metal spikes. It's rotating unpredictably, untouchable at first. I begin to count backwards from 10 very slowly, pausing to consider each step. 9 - The sphere is slowing a bit, moving more predictably, 8 - Slower now, the spikes and round, metallic plates they attach to are apparent, 7 - Very slow now, the gunmetal-colored surface of the sphere is dull and pitted, rusty in places, 6 - The sphere stops spinning, but still looks formidable like the head of a flail, 5 - The spikes are slowly fading, becoming translucent, 4 - The spikes have faded completely. The metallic plates clank and screech, loosening, 3 - The plates drifted outward and fade, exposing the red hot, spinning core inside, 2 - The core slows, cooling with each revolution. It's temperature begins dropping, first red-orange, orange, and then yellow, 1 - The core becomes still. It is white and smooth like a marble held in the palm of your hand.
     
  3. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    Alright had a decent day today. Got into an accountability group through WhatsApp that I'm excited about! Serious folks in there so looking to contribute positively and make some long-lasting changes. My wife and I have been connecting a bit more the last couple of days, at least spending more time together. We have a weekly conversation called State of the Union - strong recommendation for doing this if you're in a relationship and struggling. If nothing else, just calling out some time to specifically discuss your relationship may help you out. Ours has been FAR from perfect - hasn't stopped me from lying by omission, but I do believe it's getting better over time. The most recent two were revised somewhat - I discussed my personal "report card" first aka how I'm doing on the most critical topics: Lying, Masturbation, Am I actually putting in the work in my recovery? Next was talking about emotions, connection, vulnerability. I have miles to go yet on that part.

    We're both in a place right now where we're just trying to live in the present. She's living in the present because it doesn't involve reliving painful memories of the past or dreading what might happen in the future. I'm living in the present because living in the past makes me feel shame or anger and living in the future makes me lie about things (too much pre-processing) or be afraid if I'm really going to be able to kick this. Also just to show up for my kids and my relationship. Our time on this Earth is very finite when it comes right down to it.

    I think I have a decent plan so far, it's just getting all of those things in motion that are going to be important. I genuinely think I would be a happier person if I had just one close male friend that lived in my area and I could hang out with on a regular schedule (monthly or more). So I do not consider my goal to achieve that to be unreasonable. My motivation to do that complements but is also independent of the recovery. This has to be multi-faceted.

    An area that I'm curious about is coaching. I'm well aware that there are a zillion self-help weirdos out there on the Internet and I'm making a concerted effort not to aimlessly browse, but I do think having a role model who has actually done what you're trying to do makes good sense. This seems like an especially rare thing in the world of porn and masturbation addiction, particularly if you're not religious. That may be an avenue that I investigate further in the future.

    For now, I want to see how far the current reboot can take me. Ideally, you'd get to the end of the road, the end of the map, the end of the narrative that you'd created for yourself. Then you'd stop for a moment and ask yourself "Have I achieved what I set out to achieve? Did my priorities change along the way?" If the answer is no, I guess you set your eyes on some other peak and keep going. We used to do a lot of hiking and there was much lamentation about "false peaks" - you'd become emotionally-tied to that next crest, convinced of its preeminence, only to perceive another pinnacle upon achieving it.

    I've spent my adult life and nearly my entire life with this ball and chain dragging me down. I know that I have not achieved my potential. I believe that my relationship also has not achieved its potential. I want (almost more than anything else) to see what that looks like before my time is done.

    Brothers, live long and prosper.
     
  4. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    Wow I'm not really sure what to write this morning. Maybe I'll just talk about what I want from the day, nothing too lofty or complicated. I want to feel proud of myself, of the work that I've done, of the closeness that I've had with my wife, of how present I am with my children. I'm transitioning to a place where my self-worth is improved, where my value as a person comes from inside of me and not from the external world. My counselor recommended that, on our upcoming vacation, that I try to just exist for a while. I can practice simply sitting in my own skin and feelings the sensations of my reality.

    I hope all of you have a great day today and have a lot to look forward to this holiday season.
     
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  5. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    I had a good conversation with my wife this evening. I felt like I was hearing her speak from her emotions. Maybe this says a lot more about her ability to communicate than my ability to listen, but it felt good to talk on that level. She's feeling inner conflict, torn between the need for safety, something I cannot provide her, and the desire for our emotional connection. Living inside of herself builds safety but limits our ability to connect, but reaching out for emotional connection with me comes at great risk. This conversation really got me thinking about how you cannot really give something to another person that you do not possess within yourself. In the same way that you cannot sell a car if the title belongs to someone else, you cannot give another person true security if you are not secure with yourself. You cannot give them trust or honesty or maybe even love. If you do not love yourself, as I sit here today, it is hard for me to understand how you could love someone else. If you cannot taste love, how can you hope to recreate the dish for another?

    But I have come to believe that we can discover self-love. Maybe we can unearth something buried long ago under trauma or self-deception or shame. For me, it feels like some second inner voice has been shouting over me this whole time, drowning my true self out. Possibly an older sibling I never had, trying to look out for me, trying to get the yelling to stop. I was in a serious car accident when I was about 16. I was racing one of my friends on a dark country road, driving in the wrong lane. I lost control and flew into the trees, narrowly avoiding a very large one. If I had hit that, game over. A part of me was exhilarated that I survived, flooded with adrenaline. Another part wished I had died. I've heard that wish from time to time, even within the last year. It comes drenched in negativity with shame hiding in its shadow. The shame spoke to me, it's voice deep and reverberant: "Everyone would have been better off..." The voice of self-worth could never match it. The years, decades even, of listening to shame internalized it such that I didn't even know if recovery was possible. Many of us have been there, convinced something is fully broken inside.

    Until last year, trying and failing at giving up pornography and masturbation reinforced shame, galvanized it. However, the first disclosure to my therapist did reveal a crack. "It's outer wall is solid rock, but for a small culvert on its base, which is little more than a drain." Now that I know that it's there, I can't help but pick at it. I'm not near the end of excavation, but I'm determined to see what's hidden there. Perhaps some candle still smolders in the darkness.
     
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  6. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    This weekend was solid. Did a lot of cleaning Saturday morning (improving my environment, reducing my stress), had a friend and her two kids over for a play date (improving social network, relating to another human), took my daughter with me to the grocery store (take responsibility, reduce wife's stress, take risks [however minor]), planned all meals for the week (took initiative) and actually had my wife help me make a couple things (improved diet, do now to reduce stress later).

    This week I have a remote training from 7 AM to 1 PM each day with homework thereafter. In the past, being home along for long periods of time has been a trigger for me and I would have considered this a "high risk" situation. Therefore, I decided to create a relapse prevention plan. Some of these are things I've already been doing, but some are more specific to this week to avoid having to use willpower alone.
    - Get up at 5 AM very day. Walk outside for 20 minutes while listening to a recovery podcast or do affirmations. Meditate for 10-20 minutes. Journal for 20-30 minutes and set goals for the day. (focus on recovery, acknowledge emotions)
    - Go to bed at 10 PM every night (improve sleep habits)
    - Message accountability group each day in the morning
    - At class end time, take a 15 minute break, then immediately complete the homework (no procrastination)
    - No coffee after noon, 2 cups or less per day (improve sleep habits)
    - No salty snacks between meals (improve diet)

    After practicing self-compassion for a couple days, I've gotta say - it's really helpful and not just BS. Just "counting your wins" instead of beating yourself up for every little thing is a relief in a lot of ways. My therapist asked me along ago if I was an optimist or a pessimist. Naturally, I've been a pessimist as long as I can remember. Academically, I could understand how someone could be an optimist and was also vaguely interested in that viewpoint, but I did not understand how I would actually apply it. I believe now that it was my inner voice, always telling me to avoid feeling tough emotions or to come up with excuses for my behavior, that was the source of that negativity. The same voice that says "you deserve this life of fear and regret, you're a shitty friend, you're not going to complete this or that". The world is not sunshine and rainbows, but you can make it subjectively a lot more punishing if you don't give yourself a break.

    Alright gotta get some sleep. To those people I'm DMing with, I'll try to get back to you ASAP. This week is going to be a busy one. Stay strong brothers! Set some goals for yourselves and then crush them.
     
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  7. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    Alright another morning routine down and another day of remote class coming up. Meditating a few times a week is something that I want to maintain over the long term. It gives me a chance, a moment of peace, to connect with myself and set an intention or two for the day. As it says in one of the guided videos I like most, "Most of the time we don't want the thing, we want the way the thing makes us feel." For me, this means that some goals for the day become more about the feelings that I want to have than about the specific action that leads to that feeling. For example, I want to feel proud of myself. There are many different things that I can do to achieve that: Make progress in my recovery, stick to my morning routine, help my family have the best day they can, be diligent at work. The more of these I do, the more likely I am to feel that feeling. This may seem like it is not an accountable system. I would at least partially disagree with that, because if you're being really honest with yourself, you know whether or not you feel proud of yourself at the end of the day.

    I want to feel more present, like I'm living in the moment. Again, there are many ways to achieve this: listening to what I need at any particular moment, active listening with my spouse or children, acknowledging changes in emotions as they occur. Yesterday I had trouble being present. My sleep quality was poor even though I went to bed on time, I was nervous about doing a good job in the training that I'm attending. I'll work to be more present today.

    Another goal is to connect with my wife, even if it's a 0.01% improvement. That's all for now. Have a great day! Set some goals!
     
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  8. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    Second to last day of remote training today. Yesterday was much easier in the sexual thoughts department because I was so busy. Tomorrow is the exam which I'm a little nervous about but I've met my expectations for engaging with the class so I should be in a good place for the final. Yesterday was a good day overall up until counseling, actually. It was a marriage counseling session so my wife was there as well. My counselor started down this thread about lying and how he can't imagine lying himself and can't understand why anyone would lie - I felt negative about it at the time, but I wasn't exactly sure why. I'm sure a lot of us on this site have had serious problems with honesty. Anyway, although he did have a valid point - lying is bad and ruins relationships which of course I agree with - the way he was saying it and the persistence on this one topic really put me off. There was a moment where my wife chimed in as well, which is her right in marriage counseling, but it caused me to feel attacked and to feel shame. It took me a good couple of hours afterward and some journaling to clear up how I really felt about it.

    Therapy should not make you feel shame. Guilt or regret for your actions, sure, but not shame. As an addict, I have been full to overflowing with shame for years and years. It is not a helpful emotion and degrades my sense of self-worth which makes me more likely to act out in my addiction because of the pain it causes. I feel like I'm doing many things to increase my self-worth to grow my way out of this behavior (maintaining a schedule, counting my wins, focusing on my recovery, improving my support network, meditation to connect with my true self, etc.). Inducing shame for addiction is like trying to help someone get out of a deep hole by tossing down a shovel. For me, self-compassion is what I need at this stage. I have to love and respect myself before I can give those things to others in a true and complete way.

    Stay strong, brothers! We can overcome this!
     
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  9. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Something to think about- unless the counselor outright says you are a horrible person, you are bad, you don’t deserve your wife, then you placed the shame on yourself. I agree, shame isn’t something anyone should try to make another feel. But pointing out an awful thing you did, or how horrible it is for marriage, is not shaming. You might feel shame. My husband feels it every time I talk about how much he has hurt me, how much his actions have changed me. I do not talk about it in order to shame him. I talk about it because I need to know he knows how devastating his betrayal and lies were. I need safety and if he can’t see how his actions have change not only me but him, then there will never be healing. I have never, ever, thought my husband was a bad person who didn’t deserve my love. I have thought he does horrible things to me, our marriage and most of all to himself.
     
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  10. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    Alright I didn't want to journal this morning which is why I am journaling. Meditation makes me feel better, but journaling is also a necessary part of this process. I've heard from quite a few sources now that pen and paper journaling is the way to do it, so I may transition to doing that if I can work up to it. It's tough - I appreciate all the conveniences of journaling on the computer - spell check, I can write much faster and keep up with my thoughts more consistently, and my handwriting is not the best, especially when writing quickly. But again, that is not the easy road and therefore it is probably the road that leads to the most growth.

    The last couple of days have been ups and downs. My son is still not sleeping well and that just has so many impacts, but I also went to a social event after work to go axe throwing. I felt very accomplished completing my class last week, but I have some anxiety about being able to complete what I need to complete before the end of next week and family vacation.

    The things that have been working for me when I have sexual thoughts: listening to an episode of the Porn Reboot podcast, doing 1 minute of vigorous exercise, thinking about the most helpful thing I could do for my family in that moment, doing 1 minute of deep breathing/mindfulness to identify what I am feeling that is leading to those thoughts. I hope if I keep repeating and refining these enough, they will give me an arsenal of skills to deploy if I experience unwanted sexual thoughts in the future.

    I have 2 accountability groups going right now which is great to have all those resources available. I think I would prefer to have 1 group and 1 solid accountability partner who could be available for a weekly call, daily messaging if either of us is having a hard time, stuff like that. I had considered the prospect of checking out SAA to find someone in my area to do that, but my sense is that I would be able to find someone that I click with better via an accountability group or DMing on NoFap. Just gotta work up the courage to actually ask! The worst that could happen is that they say No and then I'm back where I started.

    One of the senior leadership team is leaving at my job. She and I had a good, although not very close working relationship, but she was responsible for a good part of my training when I first started. I'm sadder to see her go than I expected. I felt she was often standoffish and that we didn't really have any interests in common. I think a lot of this was down to me not having any interests which is obviously on me. Anyway not only will the hole in the leadership team be challenging to deal with, but I really do feel like she had a positive impact on our work environment and actually did change the culture of my peers and I to align with continual improvement which is not an easy task! She will be sorely missed and we work in a small field to perhaps out paths will cross again one day.

    Alright that's all for now. I hope anyone reading this is having a good day today and is honest with themselves about what they need to move forward.
     
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  11. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    Had a tough morning this morning. I had a wet dream last night - might be the first one in 10+ years that I can remember. I was able to meditate some after waking up, but I found myself pretty distracted and I had a very annoying erection through most of it. I reached out to my accountability groups. My wife had a really poor night of sleep because the baby's sick again, but I'll talk to her about it as soon as she wakes up. It's going to take some serious focus to get back to center today.

    If I've learned anything about myself from the last relapse, it's that occasional masturbation is not a thing for me and it always becomes compulsive, usually within a very short period of time. Obviously, I would much rather be spending this sexual energy inside of my relationship. I'm not sure how long it will take to get back to having a physical relationship, if at all. Today, I plan to channel my energy into work. I have a colleague that needs some specific help and a couple of big reports to work on before going on vacation next week, so there's plenty to do. My goal is to feel proud of myself by the end of the day.
     
  12. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    Alright I randomly signed on when I was at 60 days exactly. I wish I was ready to say "Yea I'm looking forward to intimacy!" and all that stuff again. Although I do have hope for that day, some day down the line, I think I'm safe to say that I have a long way to go before there is a lot of connection in my relationship.

    Via podcasts and realizations and such, I've come to acknowledge just how important my personal recovery is. It is literally the most important thing that I have going. In fact it's just about all I think about. I've always been someone who gets really interested in the new thing and spends a lot of time researching and learning about a topic before feeling satiated. The recovery thing is falling into the same category. To be sure, learning about recovery is not the same as being in recovery and you're not going to get anywhere by reading books and then not putting any of it into practice.

    My wife and I hit a point with our marriage counselor where I think we've reached the end of that client-provider relationship, at least for that service. It became immediately apparent that he's essentially out of ideas, and maybe out of his depth with betrayal trauma and sex addiction. I can't blame him for any of this, because it has been a productive relationship. Two major disclosures, accepting responsibility for my recovery, and challenging some of my false beliefs all while having limited time to focus on recovery and after all that my wife and I are still together? No guarantees of course, but that's not a bad track record for one counselor and I still consider that relationship a success.

    I started with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) this past Tuesday and I'm confident that the structure of their guidance can help me change myself even more deeply (and potentially more quickly) that I was capable of on my own. I'll also start attending an in-person facilitated group next week and I'm actually really looking forward to that. I've grown a lot more comfortable with my story through this process and I'm looking forward to meeting some people in person that I can share with. The Internet's great in a lot of ways, but the deep connection angle is somewhat lost via just text or even video. Who knows? Maybe I'll find a good friend there.

    My wife has mentioned a couple of times that she's looking for resources to support her own recovery like a new therapist and some kind of accountability partner or shame partner. Someone that's probably new to her life to share those really hard emotions with and who has gone through something similar. Of course I want to help her, but I also know that I'm not responsible for her personal recovery. I do consider a good sign that she is looking for resources and not retreating into apathy. Again, it doesn't mean squat about our relationship, but I care about her and want her to heal as well.

    A couple keys to feeling successful the last couple of weeks have been 1. Self-compassion and 2. Deliberately moving toward fear. In the first case, just being kind to myself, respecting my own needs, my own time, my own health have been tremendous motivators for doing even more of the same. When you wallow in addiction and the shame fills you up inside, self-esteem goes out the window. Over time, that leads to all sorts of negative things including potentially suicide, the ultimate way of disrespecting yourself and internalizing shame. Self-compassion, at least for me, directly combats shame. Shame says "I'm bad" and compassion responds "Wrong, I love and accept myself". I've never really had much love or acceptance for myself, so practicing this on a daily basis feels empowering and like I'm really changing my outlook on life. Deliberately moving towards fear comes from something I heard on the Porn Reboot podcast about choosing the more difficult path. I was at a wedding over the weekend and the morning of the groom wanted to play pickleball. I've never played before, am not skilled at racket sports, and was playing with a bunch of people who were just the opposite. When I heard about it, I thought "No way am I doing that. I'll suck and people will make fun of me." And then I went anyway. You know what? I didn't suck at all. I actually did pretty well. But the best parts were that I felt like I was really accepted by the group AND I was honestly proud of myself for trying something new afterward!

    Most of the time, we don't actually want the thing. We want the way the thing makes us feel.

    And now I've written a novel again. Well sh*t. Anyway, if you're reading this, I wish you all the best in your recovery. Please get help if you're struggling and have realized you can't do this on your own. Messaging a stranger on the Internet may not be the most effective thing you could do, but it's doing something. Seek progress, not perfection.
     
  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Bloom for women is a great resource for your wife.
     
  14. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    I felt awake this morning which is a change from the usual 5 AM wake up. Typically I've got to go outside in the cold or do some exercise to get a little mental clarity going. I meditated for 10 minutes.

    My intentions for today are: Be present, particularly with my wife and daughter. I am almost always present around my baby, but it's easy to do that because he's naturally very engaging. My second intention is to have a peaceful day. We've done a lot of worrying lately with travel, etc. I could use an emotional break from that, even just for one day.

    Last night I spent some time looking through the Facing the Shadow workbook by Dr. Patrick Carnes which I will be working on with a CSAT. It's the first of four major sections in his process of recovery from sex addiction. Since this is the first stage in the process, many of the exercises focus on things like identifying denial/delusion, considering the consequences that acting out sexually has created, and looking for errors in your thinking that may be holding you back. In a lot of ways, it's comforting to know that other people have gone through this process and have recovered. One form of denial that I've used myself is thinking that "I'm a special person with special and unique problems and so how could a standardized process work for me because it's not tailored enough to address my particular issues". This has multiple problems with it, but basically boils down to an excuse for why I can't change my behavior. Certainly, therapy and recovery programs must acknowledge the individual, but I hear the perfectionism in that prior statement. I recently read Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" and it definitely helped me understand the "Progress Not Perfection" mantra and how that can actually improve my self-esteem.

    A couple days ago, my wife started a regular self-care practice. Her ability to wake up really early is limited by the baby sleeping in our bed, so she's been taking 30 minutes sometime in the afternoon to write, reflect, meditate, do yoga, or whatever she feels like she needs. I feel happiness and respect for her that she's started that practice. Maybe some other mom's have experienced this, but our kids get REALLY worked up when mom is around for some reason, like bouncing off the walls. You'd think that her going to do her own thing for a while would be really challenging, but they actually calm down quite a bit. There are definitely times when I let the chaos of children screaming and getting into everything affect me which is something I've got to deal with, but it can be a bit of a relief when she steps away. I know that my self-care time has improved my well-being because I feel it every day and I hope she can find some of that as well.

    One topic that I discussed with the CSAT last Tuesday was attending a 12 Step group. As I understand it, the group therapy that he runs is not 12 step, but most addiction recovery modalities do seem to have a lot in common (which is also encouraging - do what works!). I've talked to a few people here and there about 12 Step and mostly assumed that it wasn't for me for a couple of reasons. One is the narrative of "well I'm not as bad as these people" which is a form of denial (Minimizing) and I was apprehensive about the amount of triggers that I was likely to encounter. However, the other accountability groups that I've been a part of, including NoFap, have shown me that I can hear about triggering material and manage my emotions. In fact, it's good practice for the real world where triggers are around every corner or clicked link. Second, I am not a religious person (I realize not all 12 Step groups have religion at the center) and the idea of surrendering to a higher power is not something that resonates with me. The CSAT challenged me on this a little bit, mostly in the definition of surrender. He explained that I had already surrendered in the sense that I had acknowledged that I can't beat this addiction on my own and need more resources. I had disclosed my behavior to others to create accountability and build my support network. I had begun implementing the teachings of others. The very act of sitting in his office showed that I was capable of recognizing my own limitations. Thinking more about it now, I accept this definition. Although I still want to be targeted in the resources (groups, books, coaches, etc.) that I engage with (my time is limited, of course), I do feel like I have a more open mind in that regard.
     
  15. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    Quick post today. Off work for MLK Jr Day today. Despite that, I have a lot of things on my agenda. Did my recovery work this morning, need to finish up my bathroom caulking project. It's the first time I've done something like that (proud of myself even if it isn't perfect!), so it's taken me a bit longer to complete. I do actually have some work-related stuff today, mostly just coming up with questions for a meeting. My intention for that meeting is transparency and vulnerability because those things build connection and the person I'm meeting with is someone whose input I value and therefore I want that relationship to get off to a good start. Next I have my first in-person group therapy session. I do have some anxiety about going in-person, but I believe the extra connection (better understanding of people through non-verbal cues) will be worth it. My intentions there are courage in sharing my own story/emotions/motivators as well as connection through empathizing with others. I know I need a lot more work on empathy and this is a great chance to practice with people who have been through what I've been through. Unfortunately I'm going to miss my daughter's swim class this evening to attend group, but I can help my wife out with that by making some easy/portable dinners for her and the kids. I should be home in time to put them to bed.

    I went for a walk this morning to clear my head. It actually helped a lot that it was cold as the chilly air helps shock me awake. I've come to appreciate what a precious resource mental clarity is and how fleeting it can be. I wish I could keep a journal on me at all times to help capture the thoughts that happen during those moments. I suppose I could also record that info on my phone. Solutions abound I'm sure.

    If you've made it this far, I hope you're doing well today and are making progress in your recovery. I'm grateful to have taken some steps toward living authentically, however small.
     
  16. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    I've had 2 sessions with the CSAT so far as well as one group session. With the CSAT, I'm still working through my relationship history, sexual history, childhood, and the like. I have a workbook to begin completing exercises in, some reading and video assignments, and lots of reflection. I enjoyed the first in-person group session - I feel like we have a small group of committed, articulate people. I was understandably nervous going in - accountability to others online is one thing, but doing it in person feels like it has more gravity to it (no disrespect to you all). What I found was that they were a whole bunch of people who looked like me, were married like me, and had struggled with this for long time just like me. It was similar to the feeling of finding all the recovery/sobriety resources online for the first time and not feeling so alone anymore: Pathformen, Bloomforwomen, Yourbrainonporn, NoFap, Porn Reboot podcast, Betrayed/Addicted/Expert podcast, Brene Brown's work, Dr. Skinner, Dr. Carnes and so on.

    My current challenge is that my kids were exposed to COVID again this week so we've got to keep them home for several days. Having just cared for them 24/7 on vacation, I was really looking forward to them going back to childcare so I could focus on my job and also on my recovery. Juggling caring for them, working reduced hours, committing to the process of changing myself, self-care, making room for appointments, and trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with my wife has not been and will not be easy. We're going to start each day with intention and end each day with gratitude. Today my intention is to care for my family because we had some shocks yesterday that we need to move past.

    Best of luck to you all in your recovery.
     
  17. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    This morning I was walking and thinking about the recovery process and the analogy of rafting came to me. Through my life, I've convinced my wife to get into this raft with me, all the while neglecting to tell her that I don't know how to raft and in fact can't even swim. But I insisted and manipulated and controlled the narrative and here we find ourselves approaching Class 5 rapids (expert). And all of sudden, reality comes crashing in because we can both see the danger ahead. My wife's a strong person - I have confidence that she could bail out and probably make it to shore. I don't have that option, so I'm tightening my life vest, organizing the supplies, looking on my phone for advice, and working to believe in myself. Because one way or another, it is my destiny to confront the torrent.

    When you're rafting with other people, it's common to cross paddles. As you approach or leave a difficult section, everyone raises their paddle into the air and touches them together. This symbolizes camaraderie, both committing to experiences to come and celebrating accomplishments. Symbols like this always make me emotional. Here's another example: the James Webb Space Telescope launched on Christmas Day, 2021. Even though I was with my family that day, I was really sick and had trouble engaging with them. The telescope launch was maybe the most meaningful thing that happened that day from my perspective. Watching a recording of the launch made me cry. Seeing the culmination of the passion and commitment and teamwork of countless people makes me think about how I've seldom committed to anything. I've rarely put my best foot forward in any facet of my life. I've chosen to live in emotional isolation and feel the chill of being on the outside. And in the past I would have hidden those tears too. Not only was feeling shame and embarrassed of my vulnerability and conditioned to "be a man", but I believed that a clever person could have seen a breadcrumb to my addiction. "Wow, this dude's crying over a telescope." If anyone ever asked (and honestly, why would they given my lack of emotional connection in the past?), I'd probably lie again and say "I just like space" rather than "I feel lonely".

    I don't know where I was going with that in the end, just wanted to share. Hope you are progressing in your recovery, 1% better every day.
     
    Robindale likes this.
  18. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    Dear Pornography,

    You came into my life when I was feeling vulnerable and alone. I felt responsible for my parents hating one another, responsible for the yelling, angry at my mother for her perceived lack of control, resentful of my father for running away from her, embarrassed that other kids would make fun of me for my home life, and isolated from my extended family, often too nervous to even talk to them at family gatherings. At the same time, I felt deeply sexual and brimming with vitality as though my capacity for pleasure and excitement and entertainment was limitless. You arrived quietly, almost unnoticed, and became my favorite safety blanket.

    You gave me control when fear of my parents' divorce left me powerless. You accepted me when I hurt others and didn't live up to expectations. You educated me about sex when I felt immature or emasculated. You gave me the confidence to seek sexual contact, even if that wasn't what I really needed. You comforted me when friends moved away and abandoned our friendship. You loved me when I could not feel love.

    You protected me on countless occasions, a formidable shield deflecting the withering blows of emotion. For this, I thank you Pornography.

    Now, here at the end of all things, our relationship must also end. For you are full of secrets and lies, you are never satisfied, you tread on my self-esteem, you despise those who care for me, and after all that you persuade me that you are my savior. These things are incompatible with my values and the life I want; therefore, I say goodbye.
     
  19. kingpin2511

    kingpin2511 Fapstronaut

    9
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    Keep up your good work.
     
  20. Leftwhirled

    Leftwhirled Fapstronaut

    Well I sort of fell off the 5 AM bandwagon due to low motivation to do so and poor sleep with my son being sick, but I did get up at 5 today! I'm supposed to have in-person group therapy today but I may try to change that to remote because the driving conditions suck and I've got a sore throat.

    From the first group session, I had the sense that the level of commitment among the other attendees was very high which was awesome to see. I hope to solidify that feeling today, even if I have to attend remotely. Thus far I have appreciated the readings and exercises that I have completed. Similar to earlier in the process, I find that purposefully recalling the past causes a whole bunch of other semi- or unrelated memories to come up as well. Some are non-specific like a general impression of a friendship and some are hyper-specific, almost strangely so.

    My friend called me yesterday to discuss a disagreement that he and his wife had about his alcohol consumption. I really appreciated hearing from him. After attending the wedding a couple weeks back and seeing him with his brothers and other friends and such, my insecurity says "What if there's not a place in his life for you anymore?" which makes me feel fear. I was able to let this go at least partially by being vulnerable and receiving compassion in return, but it was really good to hear from him even if it was just to get some feedback about a problem that he was having. It makes me feel valued, and I was happy to share some of the things that I've learned in my journey.

    This week will be challenging as last week was. One of my favorite parts of meditation is deciding how I want to feel when the day is done, then letting this intention settle into my subconscious throughout the practice. It's like someone giving you a compass before you embark on a long and uncertain journey - the compass does not tell you what obstacles await or even whether you will reach your destination, but it does give you some confidence that you're heading in the right direction.

    Thank you all for being here and supporting others on their journey to healing and self-improvement. Have a wonderful day!
     
    again, AndreC and Tannhauser like this.

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