Girlfriend attacks with porn

It’s not ok for her to do that. Nonetheless I don’t blame her for it either. Just as your problem is with addiction hers is with betrayal trauma. It is much like PTSD. The bottom line? This was of your own doing. So I would say to you the things she says to you are a natural consequence of your own actions. So you’re just going to have to suck it up and take it. If you do this right they will subside naturally but it will be on her timeline. Not yours. If you do it out of spite? You may as well just throw in the towel on your relationship. She is very hurt and you hurt her.

 

Yea they tend to throw everything against you when they are upset. The only advice I can give is to not assume youre the reason for all the anger, you just might be the most convenient outlet to vent to.

 

Lol, except he absolutely is the reason for her anger. He lied and cheated. Yes, porn use is considered cheating by many women

 

not denying that at all, but it just sounds like there are deeper issues than just this guy

 

She might just be very insecure. I don't know any girls who would feel 'betrayed' if their partner watched porn. However, if you're rejecting her sexual advances and jerking off to porn instead, then that's a different story and she has every right to be pissed. Like honestly, would you feel cheated on if you found out your girlfriend watches porn? If you aren't rejecting her sexual advances for porn, then I don't see how you're in the wrong at all.

 

It sounds bad all round tbh. You're away from her whacking it all the time, she's casting it up to you to make you stop. It's a bit messy.

All I'd say is, you've got to quit for you. You're in an LDR, here's too much opportunity for you to keep going and hide it if you don't really want to quit. Ask anyone here, even cutting down substantially you'll notice a massive difference in your own happiness, motivation, energy, etc. Set yourself a realistic goal and see how you feel doing it.

 

@Solitary Crayfish I'm curious was there any discussion about porn use in your relationship prior to your girlfriend finding out you view porn? Do you lie about not using porn?

She seems most hurt by irrational beliefs she has (below) that most likely existed prior to your relationship. It would be helpful if she worked through these thoughts but that is unlikely to happen as she sounds very angry. You're in a tough place! Perhaps attempting to "wait it out" is the best you can do.

 

You understand nothing about betrayal trauma. Most, almost 90% of women, feel this way when they discover their partners porn use, ie: secret sex life. Those beliefs most likely never even occurred to her before discovery.

 

Almost 90% of woman feel cheated on when they discover their partners porn use. Dr Skinner talks about this a lot! He runs Bloom for women suffering betrayal trauma from their partners. Seriously, just go to the partner section and read the woman’s journals. Every single one feels this way.

 

Set healthy boundries.
She set a healthy boundry telling you that she was not ok that you watched at porn, because that was making she feel not good enough. You should set a healthy boundry on this attacks she is giving you with porn, you are working to get it fixed and you don't like been attacked by it, so next time she bring up porn, be firm and tell her that you are working to get over it and her attacking you like that is not helpfull at all and is making you hurt and even angry enough to do it just to get back to her. Tell her that is the last time you want her to say something like that to you ever again, if she can't respect that boundry then you should stop seen each other until you are porn free and she is ready to respect your boundries (this and every healthy boundry). Remember, people are only going to treat you poorly if you let them, ask her politely to stop doing it, if she can't respect that then is time to move on, never let a person disrespect you or your boundries, that´s the only way a person is going to respect you. Woman only love man they respect, if she is yelling and attacking you and braking your boundries and you do nothing, she is not going to respect you, so she is never going to love you.

 

Do you boys actually believe the shit you’re recommended to this man? That is part of the problem.

 

If they use porn and reject their sexual advances (and attention), or just if they use porn?

 

Both, not all porn addicts reject their partners.

 

When I read the catchy title of this thread I thought your gf would send you porn or something like this lol
That would be crazy, but what you report here is just a healthy reaction. Yes it's emotional and it's rather problem-oriented than solution-orientated. But what do you expect?

Look at those statements. What I see here is the reaction of a human being who cares about you and the relationship. Would porn ever talk to you that way?
Take those statements with love. Don't focus on your damaged ego!

It was brave of you to admit your issue and talk with her about it. Naturally you made yourself vulnerable and now you're getting hurt. But that's unavoidable. Let her handle it her way! She may overstate certain things, she may be judgy, jealous, selfish. She has her own perspective of it but at least she's not escaping and numbing herself by using porn. Right?
You are in the wrong and now she's hurt and angry. I believe as addicts we must understand what we precisely did wrong and how to fix it. I've read posts of SO's here who seem to believe that an addict is automatically a social failure and is always the one to blame in a relationship. Of course that's over the top. In a relationship two parties has to work together and so on. But when one party messes up, he or she shouldn't avoid responsibility. We watch one porn video - ok we might just have been bored, curious or so, but we use porn day in day out while (usually) lying to our SO THAT'S MESSING UP. If she's pointing out that, we can't put ourselves in

You would if it was your spouse / girlfriend!

But that's a very childish reaction. You see that, don't you? But it's normal for and addict: you have come to accept that your lust and porn dictates your life but when she commands something you immediately feel like being pushed around.

Is addiction an excuse? Partly yes, because the addiction is a fact, the loss of control and all. But do we have the right to use this excuse against others that we hurt through our actions? What have we done so far to be responsible and reponsive again, to stay clean and recover properly?

In a nutshell, My advice:
- hear her out and feel her love for you and the negative feelings behind her words
- get her in your boat. Make her understand better. You recover and she supports you (but you can't decide for her in what way)
- clean up your mess
- further work on your relationship, where both parties have to give

 

Give it some time.
Recovery needs time anyway but I wonder what if someone just continues to relapse, that's rather my own experience. But I don't think everything is black and white. A good relationship isn't that without problems. Thus I believe it's possible to grow personally and let a relationship grow and get healthy even with such a problem as a porn addiction. But what doesn't work out in the long run is lying or pretending.

I hope she goes along with you the way you need to walk.
Good luck!

 

Thank you for sharing. As you can see from responses in your thread people on this site tend to jump to conclusions before having nearly enough relevant information.